Monday, December 17, 2007

No room at the Inn

I read an article the other day that talked about Jesus' birth. How sad it was that no one would make room for Him. Didn't they realize who He was, etc. Then it asked this question, "Do we have room in our Inn for Jesus this Christmas season?"

I have been thinking a lot about that question. Not only during Christmas, but all year long. It seems to be something I wrestle with a lot. I am so easily side-tracked and distracted. If I lived in Bible times, would I have turned Jesus away too? Too busy with daily life to notice Him? How often do I turn Him away in my daily life now? How often do I plow through a day without stopping to include Him? How often do I make plans without asking what His plan is for me? How many times do I take Him for granted, living without gratitude for grace?

I have noticed lately that TV seems to be a huge time vacuum for me. I've always known that I watched too much TV, but not until recently have I realized just how much. A few weeks ago I fasted from TV for a week. I was seeking God in prayer over an issue, so I decided to remove that distraction. I am still amazed by the amount of prayer time and other things I was able to accomplish that week.

Now that TV is back in my life, the laundry is piling up. The house is a mess. I have fallen behind in my reading list. So many loose ends are dangling around. And I feel more stressed and unsettled. All that "resting" I do in front of the TV sure is exhausting!

I've heard of people who radically put their TVs on the curb and decided to brave life without one. I haven't been able to muster up the courage to do that just yet - but I really feel convicted that my New Year needs to involve only a fraction of the TV time I currently "enjoy."

There is such a huge difference between resting and wasting time. I think I have made an art form out of wasting time all in the name of rest. Ultimately, that has only increased my stress level, thus creating a greater need for rest. Somehow I always seem to get stuck in these "vicious cycles" (aka bad habits), and find it's like fighting with the tar baby to get out. I think the key is - JUST DO IT. Each day it's gets easier and eventually new habits form.

There is a commercial on TV right now for Jenny Craig and Valerie Bertinelli is talking about how this is the first New Year's in 20 years that losing weight isn't on her resolution list. What resolution is on your list that was there last year and maybe the year before that?

I don't want to get to the end of another year and realize that I spent more time with Tim Gunn and Tyra Banks than I did with Jesus! So - when you see me this next year, ask me what's getting more face time - my Bible or my TV!!

Friday, December 07, 2007

Back on the playground

Something happened at work today that made me feel like I was back in elementary school. It's a long story, just suffice it to say that a memo went out for all to see that on the surface appeared to single me out and give me special treatment. No one in the office knows the whole story, and several people jumped to conclusions - and that's when the gossip and backbiting started. This mentality has been going on for several years, so it's nothing new.

It hurts and angers me when people treat others badly because they step out and do something above and beyond the call of duty. There IS a difference between taking initiative/bettering yourself and brown-nosing. But most people don't see it that way. Unless you are content to sit back with the majority and coast through life with no extra effort, you will be the object of gossip, rumors and slander. And it hurts.

There will be people who come to you one day with their problems or want your help in some way, then verbally stab you in the back the next day. There will be times when you genuinely try to help people, treat them with kindness and even take on extra work that will ultimately benefit them - only to have them turn on you behind your back.

I guess this is all part of living in a fallen world. I was talking to my mom about this tonight, and after a few minutes of my whining, she simply said, "Look at what Jesus had to go through." Well. There really aren't many other statements that will stop you dead in your tracks like that one. My "crappy" day at work is nothing compared to the betrayal Jesus had to endure. No one is chasing me through the streets trying to crucify me. In comparison, my day was a walk in the park.

In a few weeks, I will no longer be working with many of these people. Chances are I will never see most of them again. My flesh so desperately wants to lash out and make sarcastic remarks or simply to snub them. Then my spirit reminds me that I do not want my last impression on these people to be one of mean-spirited pettiness. I know I need to extend grace to them and glorify God in my actions, especially now.

I keep hearing a voice inside that says, "I'm just so tired of getting my feelings hurt." And I am. But no matter where we go in life, there will always be people that will hurt our feelings. People will sometimes react poorly if we attempt to try something new. So as I navigate life, I am trying to remember that hurt people sometimes hurt others. And nothing I encounter this side of heaven will compare to the sacrifice Jesus made for me.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Report cards

I am getting prepared to go back to school and finish my degree. In my preparation, I ordered a copy of my transcripts from my first attempt at college. As I was looking them over, I saw something that I had forgotten. Something that embarrasses me terribly. My very first semester in college, I made a D in a Bible class.


If the class had been Greek or Hebrew or something exotic and difficult, I might not be quite so ashamed. But this class was on the life of Christ. I went to class thinking I knew enough about Jesus that I didn't really need to study. I didn't care for the professor at all. Basically, I didn't take the class seriously. When test day rolls around and you have 85 multiple choice questions in front of you with answers that all sound the same, coasting isn't as easy as you think.


Now, all these years later, I have that one black mark on my college transcripts. And of all things, there it is - like a neon sign: "D in the life of Christ." A friend from work was looking at the transcript and he commented on how shocked he was that I made a D in that class given my "spirituality." How humiliating.


I've been so bothered by that one letter all week. In the grand scheme of things, I guess it's not really that big of a deal, but it's a big deal to me. I'm a little amazed that my apathy and cockiness from all those years ago have come back to haunt me. I could blame it on the teacher or the "tricky" questions or whatever. The fact is, I failed to prepare.

That theme has been coming up a lot for me lately. Being unprepared. I keep going back to the bridesmaids in Matthew 25 who were caught with no oil for their lamps. I so desperately don't want to be in their shoes in any regard. I also wonder how many things I do flippantly or things I don't do everyday that reflect poorly on Jesus. Things I might not think much of now, but things that could come up later - or things I don't give a second thought to, yet cause others to raise an eyebrow. Do I really witness from the inside out, from the top of my head to the tip of my toes?

I know we can't be perfect, but as I examine my mid-term spiritual progress report, I have to wonder what grades would be there. Luckily, the grades section of my report card is covered in Jesus' blood, so we can't see the grades I really deserve. Grace really is amazing.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Now that I'm old...

...Let me impart some of my wisdom. As I reluctantly cross the threshold into my mid-thirties (ahhh, shivers run up and down my spine), I feel it bears upon me to bestow knowledge onto the youngsters of the world. So here's what being 35, unemployed, fat and single have taught me...

1. Don't waste a day of your life. If you hate your job - go home TODAY and start preparing for a new one. I don't care if you update your resume, surf the net, register for school, type up a resignation letter, sell your house and move to Guam. Just do SOMETHING. Don't wait until corporate America takes a dump in your mashed potatoes before you get off your rump and take action. Life is too short to make someone else rich doing something you hate.

2. Be real with people. They need you and you need them. Be kind and considerate, but don't fiddle fart around with people either. If you have something to say, say it. If there's a burr in your saddle - spit it out. If you want to break up, man up and do it. Life's to short to lead people on. There's too much living to be done. But remember - be kind. Living with no regret means just that - in every way.

3. Take no one for granted. That means everyone from the lady at the cash register in Target to your deaf old Aunt Myrtle that drives you crazy. When people call, answer the phone. When they leave a message - call them back. Heck - call someone out of the blue for no reason other than to tell them you are glad they are alive. Return your emails. Call people by name once in while. Smile. Life's too short to be so self-absorbed that we don't take time to recognize and acknowledge the importance of others.

4. Spend time with God EVERYDAY. There is nothing more important than this. It's hard to tap into His peace and hear His voice when you barely know what He sounds like. Fill yourself so much with Him that you begin to become one with His creation. Let His Spirit pour into you so you can truly connect with other people, with nature, with HIM. Life's too short to even attempt to navigate one minute on your own.

5. Be prepared. Think ahead. Plan. Budget. Be responsible. Don't go into debt. Waiting on God and walking in faith are not excuses for failure to plan. God gave us brains, talents and self-control. Remember the bridesmaids in Matthew 25 who were caught with no oil for their lamps. And the parable of the talents also in Matthew 25. Life's too short to be caught with your pants down.

6. Overhaul your temple. Eat right. Exercise. Friggin' get over it and lose weight if you need to. Being unhealthy can be a tremendous hindrance in so many areas of life. Unfortunately studies prove it does influence the way others react to you. It can lower self-esteem, thus reducing your ability to influence others. And it just flat out slows you down. Not to mention that it IS possible to drop dead of a heart attack at a young age. Life's too short to waste time catching your breath.

7. Figure out who YOU are. Explore. Don't be afraid to ask questions. It's okay to look silly in front of others. Figure out what you believe, what you stand for and why. Be different from other people. Never settle for someone else's beliefs, opinions, hobbies or ideas. Think for yourself. Be strong in YOUR identity. Life's too short to live in someone else's shoes.

8. For Heaven's sake, ladies - please DO NOT put your life on hold waiting for a husband. Buy a house. Take a class. Learn to dance. Dress to impress yourself. Go out and have fun. Drink deeply of life. Don't compromise who you are to "land a man." Don't sacrifice your morals in the hopes you will win his heart. And don't sit on the sidelines waiting for a man to complete you. Guys are great, and I love them - but we need to embrace who we are and where we are today (refer to #7 if you need a refresher). Life is too short to waste one single day!!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Be of good cheer!

My favorite Psalm: Psalm 86

A verse that changed my life: Jeremiah 40:4

Verses God showed me today: Psalm 27:11,13-14

As most of you know, I recently lost my job. God is doing some AMAZING things within this whole process. I can't wait until He releases me to share the whole story with you. He is creating such a testimony within me right now. I still don't know where He will ultimately take me or how He will work out the details, but He is so alive and present in my everyday. It is almost as if He peeled back the sky and allowed me to inhale a deep, fresh breath of Heaven. I stand amazed in His presence and power.

I am 100% convinced that God allows us to walk through various fires because He can use them to weave such intricate and beautiful patterns into the fabric of our lives. We, in turn, can use that fabric to wrap around the hurting, hopeless, and lost around us.

We are not a people without hope. We are not a people of weakness. We are not a people ruled by fear. We serve the Most High God. He directs our steps. He knows the plans He has for us - plans to prosper us, not to harm us. God is good - and He longs for the chance to prove that to us in any and every situation.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

17 New Revelations

1. I'm more disposable that I thought I was.
2. Getting laid off feels like breaking up.
3. What you feel is what you feel. Just because others don't understand it doesn't mean it isn't valid.
4. No one cares as much about your well-being as you do (okay, except for God and maybe mom & dad...)
5. You don't have to make decisions based on anyone else's time table.
6. Being upset and not eating doesn't always mean you lose weight.
7. Even when others get frustrated and give up on you, God never will.
8. Just because my faith doesn't look like yours doesn't mean I don't have any.
9. Sometimes having friends hurts a lot.
10. I am a pack rat with WAY too much stuff.
11. It's okay to do the unexpected.
12. I have a closet full of clothes yet have nothing to wear.
13. When you're scared, there's no place like home.
14. Encouragement has a short shelf-life.
15. God gives us the freedom of choice more often than we think.
16. When something bad happens, well-meaning people will hurt your feelings with unintended flippancy.
17. Being pro-active is part of waiting on God.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

God is Good - Regardless

So much has happened since my last post. So many things have happened to so many people I love, and so much has happened to me. Some days I feel like I am surrounded by tragedy, but I am too weak to help anyone. And I am so tired. I know God hears our cries, but for whatever reason He hasn't taken us out of the fire yet.

Within the past 2 months or so, one of my best friend's suffered a life-altering ordeal. Another good friend passed away. Another best friend's mom had to have life-saving brain surgery. Several people from church died. I lost my job (and so did several of my close friends that work with me). Another good friend is moving away. One of my parents' close friends is in ICU and was in a drug-induced coma until a couple of days ago. A friend at work had to put her dog to sleep. I could go on, but I won't. I can't remember the last time such suffering has lingered so long on our doorstep.

Some days I get so overwhelmed that I feel like I simply can't go on. I keep trying to shut down and slip into a state of denial and inactivity. My dad, being a counselor, has been staying on my case helping me to realize that what I am truly facing is depression. I don't think I've ever felt this level of depression before - the kind that almost immobilizes you. I can't imagine what it must be like for people that suffer from this on an ongoing basis. My heart hurts for them.

Each time I slow down, there my dad is - like a cattle prod - telling me to do something. I cry a lot these days. Tonight was a really tough night for some reason. I came home from a friend's house and just sat down and cried for a long time. As soon as the tears stopped, I forced myself to immediately get up and do something positive. What I really wanted to do is go to bed. But I got up, made a phone call that needed to be made and immediately felt a little better. That, in turn, inspired me to do one more thing. So here I am - a few accomplishments later, and I feel a little better. My situation hasn't changed, but my total sense of helplessness and despair is better.

My thoughts and outlook seem to change hourly these days. I know I will bounce back, but it's taking longer than I expected. Honestly, I haven't suffered too many life-altering blows in my life, so I've been lucky. I guess these down times hit me really hard because I am usually a pretty upbeat person. So this is tough. But God has been teaching me some amazing things lately. He has been surrounding me with so many wise and spiritually rich people. Oh, what a blessing they have been. Someone told me a week ago that several of them were going to believe for me until I could believe. They would be excited about what God was doing in my situation until I could be excited. They were standing for me when I could not stand. Wow. Isn't God good?

I will share my experiences with God in the next few days. He is the One true God - our Provider, Comforter, Teacher, Healer, Father, King and Friend. Oh - how He loves us. How perfect and wonderful and praiseworthy He is. I hope things are going well in your life today. If not, be encouraged. I have seen the Lord - and HE IS GOOD.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

The Smiles of God

There's been a lot of talk about the names of God. But what about the smiles of God? People say "God smiled on me today." What does that look like? We all have a million and one different smiles that dance across our faces at some point. There's the "I'm up to something," the "Hey, watch this," the "sheepish," the "smiling through tears," the "isn't he so sweet," the "inside joke," the "courtesy smile," the "unspoken conversation across a crowded room smile," the "silent victory," the "self-satisfaction," the "proud momma," the "I'm about to plant one on you," and endless others.

I think God has a million and one smiles too. When He smiles, sometimes I think His teeth must be like a jack'o-lantern and that's where the sunbeams come from. When the sun shines during a rain, is that His smiling through tears? I know He smiles when we do something funny or good or when we trip over our own feet while trying to take baby steps of faith. Sometimes I think He smiles at us through little babies or puppy dogs (y'all know they grin...). God's smiles are all around us and in us and on us. I can't NOT smile when someone smiles at me. Stands to reason if I recognized more of His smiles, mine would multiply in return.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Family portraits are so much fun!


Well, they say the nut doesn't fall far from the tree..... Here's my family tree. Explains a lot, huh?


Sunday, October 21, 2007

Dad at Comedy Barn

I laughed until I cried...this is GREAT!!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Realizations

I attended the funeral of a very dear friend yesterday. I can honestly say that it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I don't remember most of the drive home, and I cried so much last night that I made myself sick. Not only am I sad that my friend is gone, I am filled with regret that I let so much time lapse without seeing him.

Wayne lived in another city, a city I used to live in. I went through some painful times in that city, so it was just easier to leave and never look back. The only problem is that I left the good with the bad. I don't deal well with good-bye's, so when I left that city, I left everything including all the people I love. I treat separation like ripping off a band-aid. Move on, get it over with quick so it won't hurt so much. But the hurt has a way of catching up with you one way or the other.

As I drove back to Phenix City, I was filled with anxiety. So many people I had not seen in years. Some doors I needed to close. Friendships that had fallen by the wayside. The reunion was so bittersweet. People embraced me like I was the long lost missing link. With some we just hugged and cried and spoke very little. Words weren't needed. These people are a part of me. We share a past and memories that will never be forgotten. The times I spent with them are emblazoned on my soul and helped mold me into who I am. Everyone looked older. Some were now divorced, some widowed. Some had kids. But each and every one of them had the same spirit, you could see it in their eyes. We are all so different, yet we are all the same. I guess it's like that when you become a part of someone.

The service was very sweet. We laughed and cried. We sang. Wayne's brother, Benny, told stories that we all related to. In that moment, we sat there as one, both grief-stricken yet joyful. Being a Christian is really weird sometimes. You develop these instant bonds with people you don't even know. They grow into your life and their spirit takes root and becomes part of your foundation. They die and we are both happy and sad. Sad for us to be without them, happy that they are with Jesus (saving us a seat on the front row).

As I said, I am burdened by a tremendous sense of regret that I let so many years pass between visits. Wayne knew that I love him. I have no doubt about that. While I regret that I won't get to tell him just one last time how much I love him this side of heaven, I am grateful that I will have that chance some day. As I mingled among so many old friends yesterday, I was filled with such a longing for them. I genuinely miss them. I've been thinking a lot about regret today. I don't want to reach another significant event in my life and have it overshadowed by regret. I don't want to reach the end of another ordinary day and look back on it with regret.

Wayne taught me so many things in my life. He changed the way I think about things. He helped me learn to laugh at myself (he certainly laughed at me enough!). He always told me to "be sweet." He even influenced my love for music (I am crazy about 70's music thanks to him). I learned some new things about him yesterday that I didn't know. And yet again, he touched my life. Even now, I am still learning from him....live without regret.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Sad Goodbye

I got a call today that a friend of mine passed away this morning. He unexpectedly died of a heart attack. He wasn't overweight or terribly unhealthy. He just died suddenly. He was one of the sweetest and most fun people I ever knew. He had a tremendous impact on my life - even down to influencing the kind of music I like. I am shocked and saddened tonight that he is gone.

I had not talked to Wayne in a while. Circumstances of life sort of took us in different directions, but every time I saw him it was as if no time had passed and no words need be spoken. There are so few people on earth that you connect with in that manner. You know the ones you can look at across a room and have a full conversation without ever uttering a sound. I wish I could see him just one more time to make sure I told him how much he means to me, but with Wayne, I think he knew. At least I hope he did.

I will, at some point, post a blog about him. For now, I just can't put it into words.

If there is someone in your life that you haven't seen in a while or, heck, someone you had lunch with today that you haven't expressed your gratitude, love or appreciation for - please don't wait another day.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Sacrificing Self

For the past couple of weeks, I have been doing some examining of my life - who I am, what I am about, my passions, the things that drive me, and the things that always seem to trip me up. I have begun to realize with more clarity than ever how remarkably selfish I am. Like looking at one of those 3-D prints, I can finally see the picture. So many of the things that cause me to feel defeated in life are a direct result of selfishness. Of all these realizations, here's the one that hit me hardest: I am astounded to realize how rarely I tell myself "no." Selfishness has mushroomed into self-indulgent gluttony in many areas of my life.

As a society, we live in a world of instant gratification. We are under tremendous amounts of debt. We are overweight and suffering the physical health problems that follow. We are immune to the numerous four letter words that are littered throughout our television lives. Relationships are not sacred and have almost become disposable. All as a result of feeding our greedy flesh whatever it desires. No restraints.

As I read about Jesus in the book of John, His primary goal in life was to serve, honor and obey God. He was homeless. He ran with a pack of misfits and hung out with the seedy, undesirables from town. He hardly ever had an uninterrupted moment to Himself. Isn't it funny that even Jesus' life wasn't all about Him?! He was JESUS. The Son of God and Savior of the world - and even He was not focused on Himself. He lived to serve God. His one desire was that people came to know the Father.

Everyone I know has a hang-up of some sort. That is part of being human. While I truly believe that God uses these hang-up's as a tool to draw us closer to Him, I don't believe He intends for us to stay married to these problems and hang on to them like life support. There are so many other ways He can reveal Himself to us and teach us things. And if we weren't playing merri-go-round with our sins, we might have more time to focus on leading others to Him. It seems to come full circle back to selfishness. I wonder how many of our hang-up's, fears, sins and various other problems could be resolved with genuine sacrificial living and the crucifixion of selfishness.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Hot Pockets

Well, it finally happened... Today at work one of my co-workers told me she was going to the breakroom to heat up her Hot Pocket for lunch. Much to her surprise, I burst out laughing and was unable to adequately explain why. So for all of you that choose to eat Hot Pockets in my presence, here's why I'm laughing... (thanks, Jon)

Monday, September 17, 2007

Forgive Jesus?

Yesterday I sat spellbound as I listened to someone share an encounter they'd had with God. First, I am always intrigued anytime someone is willing to reveal details of an exchange with Him. Hearing from God is often such a misunderstood and mystical event that it continues to challenge and stretch me. But this particular encounter with the Most High stopped me in my tracks and puts things in slow motion when I stop to think about it.

My friend had been hurt by something, and as a result had become angry with God. In the course of her struggle with Him, Jesus asked her if she could forgive Him. Errrrrrrrk....beep...beep...beep - back it up. What? Jesus asked you what? She went on to explain that He wasn't asking for forgiveness - He had done nothing wrong. He was asking if she could forgive Him - could she get passed it and let go of her anger.

That painted such a beautiful picture of Jesus to me. A picture of a Savior that truly approaches us with compassion. What a picture of gentle strength and quiet power. He seeks us where we are and reaches into our hearts to massage away the pain, the hurt, the guilt and the sin. He is the friend who holds our hair as we puke in the toilet of life (bet you never heard that in a study on the names of God...but honestly - is there a truer friend than that?).

Sometimes I hold back with Jesus. I even avoid Him from time to time. I do this because I believe the lies Satan tells me about my need to be perfect. And since I am never perfect, I often find myself running from God in some futile and irrational effort to hide my imperfection. I am baffled as to why I will allow my earthly friends to see my flaws, yet try to hide them from the One who sees everything. Maybe I feel some small amount of control over how well others know me, yet with God there is no control. The thought that Someone could know me so deeply and intimately is scary to me. Therefore, I strap on my fig leaves and run and hide.

We had Friend Day at church yesterday, and Buddy preached about Jesus being our friend. His lesson was my all time favorite "Best of Buddy Bell" sermon on Peter and Jesus. In the past 10 - 15 years or so, I have heard variations of this lesson from Buddy 3 times in various settings. And I sit on the edge of my seat every time. I would have to say it is my all time favorite sermon. He spoke about Peter and Jesus. When Peter walked on water and began to sink, Jesus immediately reached down and grabbed him. Even after Peter denied Jesus, He pursued Peter. He met Peter where he was mentally, emotionally and spiritually. He knew Peter wasn't perfect, and He loved Him anyway.

The more I learn about Jesus, the more I see that my drive for perfection is not of Him. He meets me where I am and works with what's on my heart that day. He doesn't overwhelm me with a laundry list of growth steps and future spiritual "achievements" He expects of me. He takes what's on my plate today, and we go from there.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Rain Dancer

Twice this week I have driven home from work in the rain. I don't mean a drizzle kind of rain, I mean a real meat and potatoes, fat man kind of rain. I joined my fellow Americans in fleeing like cockroaches from sunlight, just trying to get home and get out of the wet.

As I drove through my neighborhood on one of those days, I saw a young girl standing out on the sidewalk in front of her house. She stood there watching traffic go by with a look of complete amusement and mischief. I'm sure she relished all the strange looks she got by grumpy adults that sped by. I too was taken aback when I noticed her, and I'm sure my surprise registered on my face.

When I passed her house, I watched her in my rear view mirror. She raised her arms toward heaven and began to twirl and dance. The rain washing over her and splashing on her face. I was transported back to my own childhood when I used to play in the rain. What a time of carefree joy.

I think we all need to spend more time out in the rain twirling and dancing. We take life way to seriously some times.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Blood Suckers

I just killed a mosquito. There he sat, loosening the little buckle on his tiny little pants, getting ready to kick back and take a nap after filling his belly. Just picture his little feet crossed and his eyelids getting heavy as he lets out a little sigh of satisfaction.

**SQUISH!!**

Don't feel sorry for him. That little leech just invaded my privacy. He violated me and stole my very life force without even so much as a warning. At least the Red Cross has the decency to call you every 3 minutes to beg and plead before they drain your veins.

To make matters worse, when I squished him - he had the audacity to squirt my own blood all over my desk. That little glutton took advantage of me, then left a mess for me to clean up. Not to mention that I will be scratching my elbow all night where he dug his little fangs in for a nice big gulp.

People can be sort of like mosquitoes sometimes. I think everyone I know has had a "mosquito" in their life at some point or another. Well - for all of you mosquito victims out there, I will plant a tiny flag of victory tonight (metaphorically speaking, of course).

Call me Franky

Well, a lot has transpired since my last post. Let's see...I put my house on the market on July 11. It sold on July 12, and I have to be out by August 3rd. I put my house hunting into high gear and also found a house that I love. So I will sell my house at 9:30 and buy one at 10:30 this Friday.

Last week I was leaving my parents house and just as I got to the car, I stepped off the curb wrong and sprained my ankle. As I lay in the street on my back like a dead bug, my mom was running back and forth from the car to the house. I asked her to gather all of my belongings (that also when scattering into the street the same time I did) and take them back inside. I had already loaded the pup in the car, so she had to get him back in the house. By then I was able to stop writhing in pain long enough to hop back inside.

I went to the doctor yesterday since my foot still looks like an inflated latex glove. He mashed and poked on it as all good doctors do (I wonder if they have Mashing 101 and Poking & Prodding 201 in med school). I was fine with the mashing until he took to twisting. Twice I almost stood on my eyelashes when he janked it too far to one side. Ultimately that landed me three weeks in physical therapy - oh, and I am now wearing a gigantic frankenstein boot. The boot is actually pretty awesome. It's super comfy and the sole of it is curved like a rocking chair. So it's pretty cool to walk and stand in. If only I had a matching pair...

I start PT tomorrow. I'm sure they will want me to scratch the back of my neck with my third toe or try to lift a boulder with one foot. If luck holds true to form, my therapist will be a close relative of Agatha Trunchbull (the principal from Matilda).

One of the girls at work has started calling me Criptonite. I can't imagine why. Well, at least I haven't set myself on fire lately...

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Procrastination

I'm not sure why I am writing this post. I should be either sleeping or cleaning or painting or packing or something. Why is it that some of us completely shut down when faced with a gargantuan task? I've noticed other people around me that rise to the challenge of a huge task. They work hard, pace themselves, and seem to exist on a never ending stream of enthusiasm. Then there's me. I stand back, look at the task at hand, analyze it from all sides, measure it up good, plan various ways to approach it, then go off and watch TV, write, draw, read, surf the net, paint my toenails or play with my dog. When the task at hand isn't something that particularly excites me, it feels as though cement is coursing through my veins. It's all I can do to step beyond procrastination and actually get to work.

I am getting ready to sell my house. My parents and one of my best friends have been helping me paint and do various other fix-up's around my place. I knew that I would never get the thing listed if I didn't put myself on a deadline. So I set a time goal and made an appointment with my realtor. That motivated my mom - she works like the Energizer Bunny. All I can think is, "Geez, mom. We've been doing this for 30 minutes now. Can't we stop and take a break. Let's chew our food really slow at lunch so we can sit here longer." Yet she keeps right on working. Since I can't have my own mother working like a dog in my own house, I feel compelled to get in there right beside her.

I think that's why God put us together. "Us" as Christians, I mean. I guess He knew the scattered and lazy lot of us would be laying in a ditch somewhere were it not for the consistently motivated among us. So, my energetic brethren (and sistren), I raise my glass to you. Thank you for inspiring the ADD, frantic, tardy and often unorganized. I know it may seem that we are oblivious to your dedication, yet I assure you - we are not. While we may be flying in on a dime everywhere we go, we secretly long for that peaceful pace at which you seem to live. That ever illusive "togetherness" that is always just beyond our grasp. Thank you for your patience as we blow in like a tornado with 10 teacups spinning in sticks. God knew we needed you.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Can I Get a Witness?

Approximately nine years ago, I applied for a different job with my company. The job would have been a slight promotion with a little higher salary. At the time, all I saw were dollar signs. I completed the application process and interviewed for the job. Much to my dismay, they hired someone else. How dare! I was hurt. Well, mostly my pride was hurt. I couldn't understand why I didn't get this job. God simply said "no" with no further explanation.

Now nine years later, that entire department has been dissolved. The girl who was hired instead of me lost her job. As far as I know, she still has not found another job. Insurance jobs are pretty hard to come by in Montgomery. Looking back, I see now that God was looking out for me. At the time, I couldn't understand why. More money seemed like a good thing. The manager of that department actually became a good friend of mine. I would have done a good job for him. And yet God said "no."

Over the years I worked my way up in my department. I actually now have a job that is a higher pay grade than that one would have ever been. And I still have a job. I am reminded that sometimes God says 'no' even when it hurts our feelings in the moment. But we do not serve a random or petty God. Our God is purposeful. He is training us like ivy. Ivy must be tied to a pole and trained to grow a certain way. Over time, after enough growth has occurred, you can untie the ivy and it will continue to grow in the right direction. His "no's" always have a purpose. We may not see it for years to come, if ever. But rest assured, His restraint is for our benefit.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

On being refined

I am getting ready to paint my hallway. At some point in the past the prior owners of my lovely home did a real wiggyjack job on patching a place in the sheet rock. So I've gone in and applied sheet rock mud in an attempt to smooth it out. After the sheet rock mud dries, it has to be sanded. The sanding process creates a lot of fine white dust.

Tonight as I sanded, I started thinking about the process. As the refiner, I am having to do a lot of work to get this stuff smooth. I put a spotlight in the hallway to make sure I could see really well. I am covered in dust and have probably breathed in who knows how much of it. The wall just sat there.

When God is refining me, I often think He is just sitting there doing nothing. I accuse Him of leaving me out in the cold or ignoring me. In fact, the opposite is true. God is the one working on me. He is putting in the elbow grease to smooth out the edges. He is covered with the dust of my refinement (often in the form of my complaints).

I can only imagine how difficult and frustrating it would have been for me if that wall was squirming around, complaining and trying to run away as I sanded. The process would have taken so much longer. Hmmm. Something to think about...

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Hangin' with Jesus at the well

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have been studying the book of John lately. The weird thing about this study is that it seems as if I am meeting Jesus for the first time. It's like being back in school where you see this guy in the hallway every day, know where his locker is, know the crowd he runs with - but you only know of that world rather than living in that world. Or maybe it's a movie star, you know the Tiger Beat mini posters you hang all over your room.....and Kirk's favorite color is blue, he likes to swim and his favorite movie is Teen Wolf. Oh my gosh! Mine too. Then one day this intimate stranger steps in your path and asks to carry your books.

It's not that I've never read the book of John before. It's not that I'm not a Christian. It's not that I don't pray or don't have a relationship with God. It's just that lately, for whatever reason, Jesus has come alive in some Princess Bride kind of way. It's gone beyond my Grandpa reading the story to me, and I have stepped into the story as Princess Buttercup.

In studying the book of John, my friends and I have been seeking a lot of information on Biblical culture and traditions of the times. It really will change the entire Biblical experience for you. Words have new meaning. The scriptures dance on the page. I can hear the laughter and dancing, and even smell the grapes as Jesus turned water into wine in Cana. I can hear the flutter of doves wings and coins clinking on the ground as Jesus turns over the tables in temple. But what really gets me is the Samaritan woman at the well.

This woman is me; she is all of us. No, we may not be living in the shadow of 5 ex-husbands and shacking up with a new man. Her sin is irrelevant - her sin symbolizes all of our sin. If we look past the sin, as Jesus did, we see this incredible interaction between her and Jesus. Imagine how hot it must have been, noon and the sun is beating down. You've just hauled this mammoth water jar down to the well. Suddenly, going against all things proper and decent - this man strikes up a convo with you. Can't you just see the compassion in his eyes? I see him walking slowly around the well as we talk. He sips water from a ladle and pours some onto the dusty ground. His friends show up, yet he does not break eye contact with me. He sacrifices all cultural norms along with his very reputation to make a point. Not only that, he camps out there for two days - defiling himself by Jewish standards so that many Samaritans will come to know him.

I am so moved by this story. Again, I am this woman. I am unworthy to be acknowledged by Jesus, yet he throws justice and tradition aside to make me feel loved. He gently teaches me and guides me toward the path of life. Jesus is all about us. The very One that gives us life puts himself on the back burner and focuses on us. His yoke is easy and his burden is light (know what that statement really means?). Loving Jesus and being loved by Him is such a breath of fresh air. Is it really possible that we serve a God who puts us first? Pinch me. This feels like a dream.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

My first date with Jesus

This week I have been listening to a lesson series on relationships. The speaker is fantastic, and he fills his lessons with stories and analogies (which are life to me when listening to a sermon). He flips back and forth between discussion of a woman's responsibility vs a man's responsibility. At one point, he spoke of a woman who wasn't under authority. Growing up, she wasn't under her father's authority. She disrespected her husband because she wasn't under his authority. Ultimately, she wasn't under God's authority.

I've never been married, so I can't presume to say what it is like. However, for years I have heard a multitude of Christian women complain about having to be submissive. I've never really known what to think about that. Listening to these ladies, it sounds a little scary to me. But as this pastor explained what it was to live under authority, some of the clouds began to dissipate. Living under authority was directly tied to her husband's treatment of her. As he expounded on the Song of Solomon, this picture of a beautiful man began to emerge - a man who was gentle, loving, complimentary, protecting, sensitive, adoring, and strong (I think I am getting a little bit of a crush on ol' Solomon). I still don't know about this submission debate, but I think I'd like to give it a try if it were with a man like this.

The more I listen to these lessons, the more I begin to realize how I want to be treated and what kind of marriage and husband I want. Then the more I listen, the more hesitant of marriage I become - I've never dated a man like this. I've never been loved this way before. Is it really possible? Do husbands and marriages like this really exist? While I desire to be a wife someday, dare I think that I could have this? It seems so unreal that I am almost afraid to dream of it.

It's funny that I am listening to this lesson series this week. I am also doing a study on the book of John right now. I feel like I am getting to know Jesus in a new way. He is becoming real to me. John lends several insights into the humanity of Jesus. He paints a picture of a real, tangible man with skin on that gets tired and needs to stop for lunch. He is filled with passion and fire. He's strong and athletic, yet compassionate and soft spoken. He values family and friendship. He cares for strangers and speaks his mind. He puts the needs of others ahead of his own needs and reputation. He is nurturing and patient. He's kind and loving. His character, his nature - that IS the husband described in these lessons. That is the man in Song of Solomon. He is the kind of man I would feel safe being in submission to.

I think I have spent a lot of time living on the fence. Calling myself a follower of Jesus, but watching Him out of the corner of my eye. Taking His words under advisement, yet seeking my own map. This picture that has been painted of this dreamy, Biblical husband has helped me understand Jesus. It has helped me see the love He has for me. I don't know if I will ever find this "Song of Solomon love" here on earth, but realizing that I already have it in Jesus completely changes the way I feel about myself as a woman and as a single person. To know that He loves me this way melts away rigidity, fear and apprehension and makes me feel loved, cherished and protected. It gives me the freedom to open myself to Him and what He truly offers as my Savior.

I think I have been living as if Jesus has been my boss. The view I have had of our relationship has been more about what I am doing wrong, how I am falling short - almost as if He is in heaven with one eyebrow raised, arms folded, looking down on me and shaking His head. As I learn more about "Jesus the person" - the human side of Jesus, I realize I have only been seeing the God side of Jesus (which can be quite intimidating). But the human side of Jesus is helping me better understand the God side of Jesus. And looking at Him in light of a healthy relationship - one that is about love, selflessness, sacrifice, nurturing, kindness, authenticity, protection and friendship - it makes me feel like I just got home from my first date...

Monday, June 04, 2007

Breaker 1-9. Anyone out there got your ears on?

I am writing this blog because I told someone I would (I am actually a week late...sorry, dude). I really do hope to once again become a regular blogger again some day. It seems I've been a little irregular as of late, and we all know how that can back up on you.

My life has been somewhat of a whirlwind lately. Some days I feel as if I am standing in the eye of a tornado watching everything swirl and spin around me. Oddly enough, I don't really feel overwhelmed anymore. I truly feel the calmness of the eye of the storm. I'd like to pen some flowery blog about how that's the peace of God, but honestly I think it is either shock or numbness.

I have this weird way of reacting to extreme stress. I become eerily calm and quiet. It's as if I slip into a trance. I don't know if that's good or bad. But ask those who know me well, it is kind of creepy. That's how others can tell I have exceeded my limit and must be experiencing sensory overload. Personally, I kind of enjoy it. The swirling, screaming, craziness seems to drift off into the background somewhere and I feel a little like, "Ooh, look at the pretty colors."

I actually perform fairly well under a certain amount of stress. I kind of thrive on a little chaos. But every psychotic has their limit, right? Anyway - lately I have been teetering between working chaos and that euphoric state of oblivion (no - I'm not on drugs). Last night I crawled into bed and slept amidst a pile of laundry that needed folding. So again, I guess my state of catatonia can be good and bad.

I suppose this is the part where I am supposed to lay down some profound insight I have received from all of this, but honestly, I am having trouble connecting the dots lately. And random things will pop into my mind at the strangest of times. I have a friend at work that specializes in making me laugh. I don't know why he strikes me as so hilarious - but right now, talking to him is one of the very few things at work that keeps me sane. Unfortunately, I find him popping into my head the most inopportune times. The other day I was in the middle of traffic and just burst out laughing hysterically. The more I laughed, the more looks I got, which in turn sparked more laughter. I'm sure people wondered what hospital I escaped from.

I am "leading" a Bible study on the book of John right now. Our study is a format unlike any other I've ever done before. We are simply digging in the Word, no workbooks or outside studies to guide us. Everyone brings their dictionaries, commentaries, various Bible translations, handbooks, Greek, anything we can find. So far I've learned that I know nothing about the Bible and that John's gospel is all out of order when compared to the other 3. One theme I have been able to pick up on, however, it that it all points to Jesus. No credit for self - Jesus must become more, I must become less. He came before me and will come after me. He is higher than me. He is greater than me. Everything I do should point to Him.

So, I guess in the midst of my craziness, the question I need to be asking myself is - does all my busyness, my "to do" list, my stress, my reactions, my priorities, even the amount of sleep I get - does it show Jesus to those around me? Is it about me or about Him? Because in reality - even Jesus existed to point others to God. Even He wasn't all about himself.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Return from the coast

Yes, I'm still alive. I just returned from a 7 day adventure of my own making. I took a road trip with my cousin, Daniel. We went on a photography excursion. Part of our trip landed us on 6 different beaches along the Gulf. We also visited some of Forest Gump's old stomping grounds in Bayou La Batre. We wandered around the ship yards taking pictures of shrimp boats and other things.

In case you are wondering, there is only one hotel on Dauphin Island, and they have no ice, soap or shampoo. There is, however, one place on the entire island that stays open past 8pm, and that is the Circle K c-store. Drop by and give Mary a visit. She will hook you up with whatever you need. Everyone else will be down at the pier doing some night fishing.

I met a guy on the ferry between Dauphin Island and Gulf Shores. No thanks to him, I now have camera envy and the itch to expand my photog equipment collection... When he handed me his camera to take a few shots, the thought did cross my mind to jump overboard and try to swim ashore without getting it wet. But alas, I had to give it back. You can check out his work at www.pbase.com/smms. He is a great photographer.

OK, Atchison - this one is for you. Here is the pinnacle highlight of my trip. Those of you who've never heard of my "stories" please turn away. I don't want you to see me like this. Here goes. We were driving along some nice little highway, right along the coast. I decided we needed to head over to Perdido Beach and proceeded to give directions to Daniel. I was using a real bonafide map... After several long moments had passed and we had seen our 27th pale pink high-rise condo, Daniel began to protest that we were not going to Perdido, but instead had entered Florida. I confidently objected that the road we were on would be turning soon and we would indeed find ourselves in Perdido. After all, my map showed the road as plain as day snaking its way around, right into Perdido. After several intense moments of bantering about our location, I finally had to concede that we were, in fact, in Florida. I was baffled. How could we have so clearly missed this major road that was so prominently displayed on my map? Uhh - I am amazed that I am about to admit this...my "road" was actually the state line dividing Alabama and Florida. Yes, sad but true. I am officially retarded. Thanks to my wiggyjack map reading skills, I am no longer allowed to be in charge of trip navigation.

To make matters worse, I enjoyed the sun so much that I refused to ride with my window rolled up. Therefore, I spent the entire trip with half of my body hanging out the window - soaking up the sun and breeze. Consequently, I am now two-toned and striped. Call me the anti-redneck. Due to the camera being hung around my neck, I also have a white stripe back there. One arm is bright red. Oh, who cares. I enjoyed every minute of it and can't wait to go back.

I actually have some more serious posts coming, but need more time to gather my thoughts. I'll update in a few days. Meanwhile, aloha. Gee, I wish I were on "island time" again...

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

God and the opossum

The other night my dog got into a fight with something under the deck in my backyard. I think it was a opossum, but I'm not totally sure. The whole event was a huge dramatic fiasco. I was frantic, trying to hold back tears and hysteria. I couldn't get Cooper (my dog) to come out from under the deck. I was worried that the evil beast that lurked below would actually kill him. I called my dad and my friend, Lisa. They both, of course, came to my aid. All in all, we had a happy ending. After spraying the hose on the battling duo, we finally managed to coax Cooper back from the jaws of death. He was covered in mud. I was covered in mud. Everything was covered in mud. My tub was covered in mud. It was a groady, nasty mess, but we are all alive and well.

As I replay those moments in my mind, I recall that sick feeling I had in my gut. That frantic state of panic mingled with helplessness that overwhelmed my senses. It reminded me of the very same sick feeling I've had when I have witnessed friends make a choice to live in sin. On a couple of occasions I have had people very close to me make decisions to purposefully engage in ravenous sinful behavior. The exhausting conversations pleading with them to reconsider will be burned onto my heart forever.

It is so painful to sit back and watch someone you love walk into the darkness of sin. Knowing there is nothing you can do, yet dying inside to stop them. And I remember that sick feeling I always get when those situations arise. I wonder how many times God feels that way about His children. How many times have we danced around the flames of sin, squealing with glee as the fire tickles our ankles.

Sometimes it's hard for me to imagine God having real emotion toward me. Despite the numerous examples in scripture that so vividly display the emotions of God spilling out over the earth like a flooded coffee mug, I sometimes fail to make that connection personally. Yet I look at the cross and know that His gut wrenches and His heart aches for each of us. He sees me and you, and He smiles on us and agonizes over us. His heart beats for us like ours do when our loved ones make us proud and when they break our hearts.

One thing I love about God is the way He speaks. I am amazed and often amused when I see His face peeking into my day and using some of the most off the wall stuff to teach me. This time He used a opossum to remind me how connected He is to each of us - how real, involved, attentive and emotional He is in each of our lives. What an awesome, amazing, fun, adventurous, patient, creative, passionate, generous, powerful and loving God we serve!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Instruction Manual

Lately I have been working on building my photography web-site, which is laughable. I don't have a clue about html, java or any of that. I am doing the trial and error, hit or miss method. I seem to navigate much of life this way. From childhood, I have always hated to read the instructions. I want to jump right in and get started. In school, I never studied. Most tests were passed simply using what I had heard in class. I realized last night that I allow this impatience to spill over into my spiritual life.

I don't want to spend time studying, and often don't want to wait for direction from God. I want to jump in with both feet and start getting my hands dirty right away. While I am able to satisfy my craving for instant gratification, often I walk away with only half of the experience.

In building this web-site, I am consistently dissatisfied with it. There are 2 photographers, one here in Montgomery and one in Knoxville that I am super crazy about. Their work is amazing, and their web-sites ROCK. So I keep looking at their stuff, wanting to emulate them. Longing to be as good as they are.

Often in our spiritual walk, we will see people in the church that we think live these "mountaintop" lives (I can think of a few right off hand). We long to be like them. Yet so often, I fail to consider the time, effort, trials and experiences that have lead them to where they are. I just want to be there now. I want to skip all the work. Same with photography. How many under/overexposed pictures have these 2 photographers I admire had to trash over the years. How many books have they read? How many hours have they spent developing their craft? And my spiritual mentors...how many valleys have they been in? How many hours have they spent on their faces crying out to God? How deeply have they invested themselves in Bible study and time with God? Yet, I lust for the finished product.

I believe it is good to have mentors and people to look up to. We can learn from their experiences and mistakes. I discovered last night that I can save some web-sites into Front Page, then dissect them to see how they were built. So I can learn from those who have gone before me. I can continually look at other artists' work in order to improve my own. But ultimately, I must spend my time in the trenches. I must go through my "grasshopper" time painting fences and waxing cars. Otherwise, I will only have an imitation shell of a product (or spiritual life) that is nowhere close to it's potential.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Chocolate shortage

Today my world almost teetered off its axis, spinning out of control into a state of oblivion unparallelled in the life of anyone this side of the moon to date. I heard rumors of a potential chocolate shortage!! Egad! I think the national threat level should be raised to level Brown immediately! Take my water. Take my oxygen. But please, for the love of all things decent and holy....don't take my chocolate.

Apparently a drought in Africa and unrest in the region has caused a slow down in the production of cocoa. Prices could sky rocket. Surely we are on the brink of an economic depression. I am picturing Charlie Bucket from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory taking his one birthday dollar and buying a block of the prized delicacy. How he cherished it. My brother, he must be.

Can I bear the thought of my specially crafted, ornately designed, gold embossed, velvet lined chocolate box sitting empty? Oh, the horror! We must all ban together and be brave in the face of this impending disaster. Please consider that you may need to begin a stockpile. Support groups may become necessary.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Dead Battery

This morning started like any other morning. I got ready for work as usual. As I got into my car to leave, however, the battery was dead. My car groaned (as I often do first thing in the morning) and refused to crank. I called my super hero friend Lisa to beg a boost. As usual she was more than willing to accommodate me. We hooked up the jumper cables, you know, black to red, red to black. Sparks were flying, but we assumed it was supposed to do that. When Lisa started her car there was a flash of light and a loud bang followed by a plume of smoke. Just kidding. We jumped the car off with no problem...

Lisa coming to my rescue has really made me think a lot about relationships. God uses my friends and family to pick me up quite often. I get a "charge" by being around them. Sometimes my batteries are low because I have been running too long without any rest and I just need a boost. Sometimes I am feeling spiritually dead and need the full shock treatment. I am so thankful that God designed us to need other people. It is so neat to me that He knits us together in such a perfect way. Despite different interests, talents, goals, fears, and experineces, He uses all of that to shape us. And best of all, He gives us those extra shoulders to help carry our burdens! Isn't God the best?

Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? Eccl 4:9-11 (Cool, God likes to snuggle!)

You are my friends, if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. John 15:15 (Jesus, the best friend of all!)

Monday, March 19, 2007

I was a murder suspect...

This weekend I attended a murder mystery dinner party. Several of us were "actors" and the evening was all about revealing clues and solving the crime. I arrived as a recently widowed Italian woman whose husband had been murdered 4 days earlier. As the evening progressed, I discovered that I had conceived a child out of wedlock, left my man at the alter, married his brother, and was secretly saving money to move back to Italy and leave my husband. Oh my! The party was a BLAST!! Everyone tried to speak with Italian accents, which was hilarious. By the end of the night, somehow our Italian had morphed into a Russian-English-Southern twang kind of thing. Lisa was my daughter, who turned out to be the leader of some sort of crime ring (fitting, don't you think?). Jeni was a maid turned gold digger turned tramp. But who am I to talk (did you read my story line?). Don't we all look completely grief-striken? Turns out I wasn't the murderer. Bummer. Oh well, there's always next time... Want to come over for dinner?

Friday, March 09, 2007

Balance

Life, in general, is such a balancing act. Finding that perfect place between giving and selfishness can be difficult. I've begun to notice things that bother me about others are often things I find myself doing. When someone hurts my feelings or ticks me off, all I can see is this glaring wrong that was committed against me. Much to my embarassment, I often find myself perpetrating the same act on some other undeserving soul. So I try to work at digging this huge log out of my own eye rather than trying to excavate the splinter from another's.

As I work on trying to repair my own flaws, I become consumed with my own "walk" and often forget those walking with me. I can't tell you how many times I have walked away from a conversation with a friend and realized I had gone on and on about my own issues or opinions without stopping to really savor their presence or invest in what was going on with them. I shudder when I think, "Not once did I ask how their week was going or even if they had plans for the weekend." And so I find myself in an uncomfortable place of self-absorption.

In order to "get outside of myself" I begin to search for ways to serve others. I try to remain conscious all day of my facial expressions, tone of voice and reaction to others. I want others to know that I am investing in them, that I care. Before long, all this caring leaves me tired. I find that this is the time I will pour all of my energy into caring for co-workers or strangers or other people that only know me superficially and then have nothing left for my family and friends, the people who really love and support me.

Recently I heard someone say that Jesus ministered to the crowds, then he had the 12, but even beyond that he had the 3 that he poured his life into. That statement really struck me because all I could think was, "how did he have the energy left to pour anything into these 3?" After dealing with demanding crowds all day, and then having to explain everything to the disciples, I don't know how he had anything left to give. But I think I have been looking at things upside down. I think he spent time with God first and was energized by that. Then he had special intimacy with the 3, and we all know how energizing it is to be with people that "get" you, believe in you and support you. Then he had the 12. Again, it is reviving to be a part of a group. A place where you belong and share common experiences. All of this energized him to minister on a larger scale. For me, I think I have been starting in the ocean first, trying to paint the big picture all on my own. Instead, I should start at home with a cool, refreshing drink from God and my "inner circle." Then I'll have the energy to tackle the world.

Some friends and I recently joined a discipleship group thing at our church. The very first night we were talking and I told them that my job just takes everything I have. By the end of the day I am so tired that I have to force myself to do things in the evening. I have been leading a Bible study on Thursday nights, and I know there have been times when I completely slacked in preparing for it. I have not been the leader I should be. There have been nights when I have met with my accountability group and have just gone through the motions, not really there mentally. I often allow eternally insignificant things to drain all of my energy, and I have nothing left for the people God has placed in my inner circle. A place that is supposed to be mutually nurturing, supportive and challenging. Girls, I apologize that I have been living upside down with slanted priorities that has often left me emotionally, mentally and physically bankrupt for you. I love you all dearly, and I could not make it without you. I never want to look back on any encounter with you and realize that I slighted you simply because we are frump-wear, back door kind of friends. I never want you to leave my presence and wonder if you are special to me.

You know the verse....As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17) My girls definitely sharpen me, and oh how I love them for it!!

Lord, please help me to cherish and nourish the relationships you have given me as a source of strength. Help me to remember that these are tools You use to equip me to do the work of Your Kingdom. Help me to keep my tools sharp and never let them get dull or rusty. Help me to see them for the jewels they are and not toss them in the shed knowing they will be there when I need them. Help me to be a nourishing light to them in return. Most of all, Lord, help me to live in that place of balance where I am able to bestow compassion on the flaws of others while recognizing my own faults, live in submission to You while helping others in their journey of faith, and invest more in my sisters than I expect in return.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Shameless Plug

For those of you that don't know, I have started a little photography work. I hope to do this on a more professional level some day, but for now I am enjoying the learning and practice! If you haven't visited my web-site yet, I invite you to do so. In fact, here is a link to pictures from my latest client session. He is the cutest little thing!

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Forgiveness

Today at lunch I was listening to Christian radio and they were talking about forgiveness. I didn't really think I had too much of an issue with that, but I decided to see what God had for me to hear. By the end of the broadcast I was sitting in my car in tears. I guess I had not realized that there were a couple of people in my life that I have yet to forgive. As the 3 speakers bantered back and forth about the topic, they brought up issues that immediately brought certain people to mind. I quickly realized I still had forgiveness issues with them.

I figured I had the forgiveness thing licked because I have managed (with God's grace and help) to truly forgive the person who hurt me most in my life. That was such a huge deal with such a long healing and forgiveness process that it made all the other "little" hurts in life seem rather pale. But today I realized that there were several "little" hurts that had been swept under the rug and allowed to fester. My weepy response to God's message tells me that these hurts are no longer "little" as far as my heart is concerned.

My mind began racing with defensive thoughts like, "What if they don't even realize they hurt me? Shouldn't they somehow be made to feel like a skank before I forgive them? If I forgive them without any consequences on their part, what if they think they have license to hurt me again? Shouldn't I at least set some sort of defined boundaries before I forgive in order to prevent this from happening again? If I keep forgiving over and over with no consequences to offender, won't I just become a doormat?" The excuses went on and on. And each one was raised by the speakers on this show. Each was raised, and each was shot down.

Basically, they reminded me that forgiveness reveals brokenness. Brokenness does two things. One, it points others to the cross. Christ was broken for us. God sacrificed His Son for us - and hey, we aren't so swell either. Two, it reminds us of our brokenness. As we become broken by forgiving others, we are pointed to the cross, reminded of our sinful condition and the price that was paid for us.

"But what about repeat offenders?" I protest. Well, aren't we repeat offenders? I don't know how many times I have had to go to God asking for forgiveness, strength and help with the same thing over and over. As for those repeat offenders oblivious to our plight at their hands? Again, how selfish am I that should have to go to God over and over with the same sin. And let's not forget our brother David who asked God in Psalms 139 to examine his heart and reveal his offensive ways. Human selfishness and repeat offending has been a part of mankind since the beginning of time.

And my never-ending struggle between boundaries and forgiveness? That protest was met with one response. Did Christ set boundaries after forgiving us? Does He love us less or treat us differently? Does He only answer a percentage of prayers in direct correlation to how many times we've put ourselves in a pinch? Does He hold a grudge and hold us hostage to our sin to make sure we feel adequately punished before hearing or answering our prayers? Does He walk around Heaven with a snarled, snide attitude telling God and the angels all about what we did? Is His love conditional on our performance?

Bottom line: Forgiveness is an act of faith and obedience. We are commanded to do it. We never feel equipped to do it, hence the faith. Forgiveness is often a journey, something we have to do over and over. The speaker today talked about how often the "offender's" name will keep coming up for you over and over, at random times, they will just pop into your mind. When that happens, and you have that gnawing feeling in your gut - something is still wrong, and you need to stop right then and re-declare your forgiveness, praying for strength. It may take a while, but it will eventually be healed. Yet so often, this process is something that must be acted out long before our emotions rise to match our decision to forgive.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

V-Day

Here we are, the day were the world is robotically forced to celebrate love. Please don't misunderstand. I'm not anti-Valentine's day. I've just been thinking outside my skin lately, trying to resurrect my old bohemian-beatnik carcass of an artist. The one that sees everything with a slant and no one understands. While being understood has its merits, being real is much more important.

A few years ago I decided to boycott the commercial gift-giving side of Christmas. I don't want a pile of future yard sale junk given to me by people who only bought it out of guilt or obligation. And I don't particularly enjoy going into debt and getting elbowed in the forehead at the mall trying to do the same for them. I guess that mentality has spilled over into Valentine's Day. I don't want someone to declare their love for me because Hallmark told them to. I'd rather get a card on June 17th for no reason at all other than "just because I was thinking of you." Despite my protestitory attitude, the holidays keep on coming - which is fine. I just hope no one is offended when they don't receive a Stepford valentine from me.

Again, please don't misunderstand. I'm not opposed to V-Day at all. In fact, as a connoisseur of chocolate, I am quite fond of any holiday that would prompt Publix to build a 8-foot shrine to my favorite food right inside their front door. I can even lose myself in the rushing waters of society sometimes. I didn't want to be the only one not getting any action on Valentine's Day, so I made an appointment with my gynecologist. Hey, it's better than some alternatives, right? At least he's clean, rich and wears gloves.

Anyway - as the smell of roses wafted through the office today and a wave of giggles, ooh's, and aah's washed over the department when someone was called to the receptionist's desk for a "delivery," I got to thinking about all this love and roses and chocolate. I am amused at people who were fighting or complaining yesterday, yet are as sweet as syrup today. Men who paid little attention to their wives 361 days a year, but suddenly their competitive man juices get to flowing when they hear Bob in the next cube ordering roses for his sweetie. And so begins the flow of shiny, red, heart-shaped boxes of candy and flowers of all sorts. I am amazed that for one day a year our society softens and it's deemed acceptable to be mushy gushy and googly eyed. When God commanded us to love each other, why does it take collaboration from Hallmark for us to live that out?

I amaze myself with how selfish I can be. I like to think of myself as compassionate and giving, always looking for ways I can help people. But mostly I think I want to help myself. I guess we all do. And when society gives us permission to be giving, we are. We are because everyone else is, and we don't want to stand out or be labeled a weirdo or scrooge. I am bothered by this because these holidays, the one's I have decided to "boycott" are the only times I bring this mentality to the forefront of my thinking. On June 17th, will it occur to me to send some a card "just because"? Probably not. Am I as eager to show others how important they are to me at random times when no one is looking? Often I am too busy stewing in my own life soup to notice anyone who isn't in my kettle. And let's face it, we all have a kettle. We are each issued one when we are born. The older we get, the bigger, heavier and fuller it gets. Stirring my own soup often takes precedence over anything else. It's not that I intend to ignore people, I just get so caught up in my own stuff that I forget to pull my head out of the sand.

So, I say...Thank you Hallmark and Russell Stover for reminding me that God commanded me to love others. And Lord, please help me to get over myself enough to remember to love others after all the candy hearts are gone.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

An empty hand

What is this thing you love?
This blessed curse that hangs so ornately around your neck
Your own personal albatross
This hollowness that penetrates and absorbs your entire atmosphere

"Love," you say?
Surely this blistering thing is nothing of the sort
A cold and bitter empty hand
This is my lot - to live out my days...unfulfilled
I have been robbed even before I have received

Your emptiness has left you filled to the brim
What was once a thing of beauty, hope and wonder has since become an all-consuming darkness that you feed and nurture like a starving baby bird
Blindness has befriended your rage leaving only a hollow shell of ingratitude

I am crippled by my Creator
Left here alone with only this hole
If only ingratitude were the leader of my emotions
I am plagued by silence and engulfed in the flames of this - my unanswered prayer

In all your days, have you uttered but one prayer?
Have not others been answered?
Has this present silence become so deafening that you can no longer hear the echoes of answers from prayers past?

Do prayers and good deeds expire?
Is what was once heard still heard today?
How long must one go without a single drop of water before one withers?
Is it not God who speaks of keeping his children from exasperation?
Shall I make God out to be a liar?

Oh, how my heart shatters into one thousand pieces!
I cannot bear to see what you cannot see
Selfishness has stolen your ability to witness blessings surrounding you each day
I fear you have the curse of Pharaoh
I pray it does not take many plagues to turn stone to sand

I am not a robber and a thief
I did not wipe out a man's life with no reason at all
I am not silent, but I am met with it day after agonizing day
Yet I am on trial for my current condition?

One cannot be both defendant and judge
You cry persecution, yet wear a black robe and carry a gavel
Be reminded of your position
One of lowly, wretched, detestable sinfulness
Remember the rescue you received despite unworthiness
Consider the bounty that lies at your feet in addition to the priceless gift already afforded you
Yet this outstretched hand has become your axis - the center of your world?

Oh, shame my woeful spirit!
My soul lies in ashes
Smoldering with the sting of conviction
Dare I ask for one thing more?
Forgive and cleanse these claws of greed that scratch upon the throne room door
A blind man I have been
To be seated in the treasure chest, yet live as one without even a crust of bread
How humiliated is my asking breath
So deceived by this veil of desire
Will my eyes ever look heavenward again?
Is forgiveness within my grasp?

Pardon was granted long before it was requested
Freedom lies just beyond the fingertips of your empty palm
Embrace your dreams and be not afraid to envision them boldly
Balance is serving beyond the silence
The unanswered prayer may be intended to keep you asking

Monday, January 08, 2007

God's Shutter Speed

Tonight I went to my photography club meeting and we talked about nighttime photography. Cameras have a shutter that opens every time you take a picture. When the shutter opens, light is allowed in and that is what puts the image on the film. The more light, the brighter (or lighter) the image. That's why some pictures turn out too dark - not enough light on the film. There are several ways to adjust camera settings to allow more light to hit the film. One way is with your shutter speed. The longer you leave the shutter open, the more light that comes in, thus lightening your image.

In nighttime photography, you have to leave the shutter open for a long time to allow a ton of light to come in. When you do this, the camera can see things you cannot see with the naked eye. Sometimes you may be standing in the dark and have to do a test shot just to see what's out there.

The whole concept made me think of God. The more we let His light into our lives, the more bright we will be, the more exposed we will be. Sometimes we need to sit and marinate in His light a long time. Other times, we make a connection with Him in a snap. But the thing that interested me the most is the concept of seeing in the dark. Even when we feel completely in the dark, maybe lonely or disconnected from God or when we are living in darkness by choice - God has a special way of seeing beyond the darkness. He sees things we cannot see with the human eye. There is light in all of us. Even when we feel almost burned out, His light and His vision have a way of seeking out even the faintest light and making it shine with brilliance. And in the right Artist's hands, a masterpiece can be created out of what the human eye often overlooks.

...my God turns darkness into light. Psalm 18:28b

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

It's not about me

Ah, New Year. It's kind of like Spring for the soul. Everyone's eating carrots and breaking a sweat in their new gym clothes. I wonder how much drain there is on the nation's water supply with everyone's resolution to get in their eight glasses a day. While some new beginnings are scary, some are refreshing. A chance to lay down the junk from the past year and look ahead with bright hope. An entire untainted year stretches out before you gleaming with endless possibilities.

As this year blooms with promise, I feel like God is calling His people to take it slow and shift our focus. Just today, I have encountered God four times, each reminding me that the theme of 2007 needs to be "IT'S NOT ABOUT ME; IT'S ALL ABOUT GOD." This morning, I read the story of Lot in Genesis 13. Lot and Abraham decide the land cannot support both of their households, so they will part company. Abraham allows Lot have his pick of the land. In verse 10 Lot chooses what he deems to be the most lush, well-watered plain in the region. After moving there, Lot and his family are kidnapped, and eventually his city is completely destroyed by burning sulfur raining down from heaven. His wife dies. And his daughters basically molest him.

Sometimes what looks like the green grass on the other side of the fence isn't always so. Despite Lot's surroundings in Sodom, it seems he retained some qualities of righteousness and decency as evidenced by his attempt to rescue the two angels from the men of the city in Genesis 19. Lot had even risen to a place of prominence as a judge in the city. I wonder, however, what the ending of Lot's story would have looked like if he had not chosen that area to settle. Genesis 13:11 says Lot "chose that land for himself." Many a righteous man in scripture have been lead astray by their flesh. Did Lot pray for direction when making this decision? We don't know. Did he view it as a "mission opportunity?" We don't know. Did God specifically call him to go to Sodom? Scripture doesn't seem to indicate that. Him moving to Sodom is not really the point. We all know God can work anywhere, with anyone, to do anything if willing hearts exist. The key is to remember, it's not about me. It's about God. What appears to be lush and green from a distance could, in reality, be the gateway to destruction for us. So we need to slow down and seek God's counsel, remembering that salvation entered the world in a stable - not a palace. Sparkly, shiny perfection is not necessarily God's calling card.

Pondering Lot's choices this morning, I opened an email devotional that I get everyday, and whadaya know, the topic revolved around choices. The article centered on Proverbs 21:2 which says, "All a man's ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart." The author stressed the importance of seeking God's guidance and direction, especially when committing to new tasks. Her spin was from another angle, discussing our tendency to get overextended and involved in too many "good" things. While certain projects and ministries at church might be good, it doesn't mean we are necessarily the people God intends to use. So often we jump in with both feet without consulting God to see if this is where He wants us to spend our energy. Before long we find ourselves burned out, ill-equipped and too tired to serve effectively. Again, it's not about us. It's all about Him. Maybe this task was designed for someone else. Maybe we are called to be still for a season. Maybe our gifts are needed elsewhere. How will we know until we ask?

I have a cherished co-worker that I often talk to about God, scripture and how God is working. This afternoon she and I entered into a discussion about letting go of dreams and selfish desires. We both feel lead to spend more time this year focusing on others. Over the holidays, she and I both had experiences that set us up to change our perspectives and motivate us to reach out to people. We each had decided on some ways we could serve others, and were able to share those with each other. I can feel God moving in His people creating this outward and upward focus, and my encounter with Sonya today was confirmation that our spirits are in harmony on this issue.

When I got home from work, I sat down to read the Bible and came upon Genesis 22 where God called Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac. Our devotion to God and our faith in Him is more important than any dream we hold dear. Are we willing to sacrifice our dreams in faith? God may call us to the brink of sacrifice to test our willingness, but we must be ready to make the sacrifice with our whole hearts. I'm not saying it's wrong to dream, quite the contrary. However, elevating our dreams to a place of importance that surpasses God is where we often meet our downfall. I've come to realize that I have been holding too tightly to some of my dreams - focusing more on them rather than on God. Unanswered prayers or unfulfilled dreams have almost become like an eclipse, blocking my full view of His light. So in this year, I want to lay my dreams at His feet. If He has a purpose for them, He will give them back.

Decisions and dreams should live under the umbrella of prayer. We need to slow down and take time to listen. And sometimes God may call us to sacrifice things with no explanation at all. Most importantly, we need to remember... It's all about Him. It's not about me.