Realizations

I attended the funeral of a very dear friend yesterday. I can honestly say that it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I don't remember most of the drive home, and I cried so much last night that I made myself sick. Not only am I sad that my friend is gone, I am filled with regret that I let so much time lapse without seeing him.

Wayne lived in another city, a city I used to live in. I went through some painful times in that city, so it was just easier to leave and never look back. The only problem is that I left the good with the bad. I don't deal well with good-bye's, so when I left that city, I left everything including all the people I love. I treat separation like ripping off a band-aid. Move on, get it over with quick so it won't hurt so much. But the hurt has a way of catching up with you one way or the other.

As I drove back to Phenix City, I was filled with anxiety. So many people I had not seen in years. Some doors I needed to close. Friendships that had fallen by the wayside. The reunion was so bittersweet. People embraced me like I was the long lost missing link. With some we just hugged and cried and spoke very little. Words weren't needed. These people are a part of me. We share a past and memories that will never be forgotten. The times I spent with them are emblazoned on my soul and helped mold me into who I am. Everyone looked older. Some were now divorced, some widowed. Some had kids. But each and every one of them had the same spirit, you could see it in their eyes. We are all so different, yet we are all the same. I guess it's like that when you become a part of someone.

The service was very sweet. We laughed and cried. We sang. Wayne's brother, Benny, told stories that we all related to. In that moment, we sat there as one, both grief-stricken yet joyful. Being a Christian is really weird sometimes. You develop these instant bonds with people you don't even know. They grow into your life and their spirit takes root and becomes part of your foundation. They die and we are both happy and sad. Sad for us to be without them, happy that they are with Jesus (saving us a seat on the front row).

As I said, I am burdened by a tremendous sense of regret that I let so many years pass between visits. Wayne knew that I love him. I have no doubt about that. While I regret that I won't get to tell him just one last time how much I love him this side of heaven, I am grateful that I will have that chance some day. As I mingled among so many old friends yesterday, I was filled with such a longing for them. I genuinely miss them. I've been thinking a lot about regret today. I don't want to reach another significant event in my life and have it overshadowed by regret. I don't want to reach the end of another ordinary day and look back on it with regret.

Wayne taught me so many things in my life. He changed the way I think about things. He helped me learn to laugh at myself (he certainly laughed at me enough!). He always told me to "be sweet." He even influenced my love for music (I am crazy about 70's music thanks to him). I learned some new things about him yesterday that I didn't know. And yet again, he touched my life. Even now, I am still learning from him....live without regret.