Mercy Me

I love music. There is something about it that reaches inside and touches my soul. Many times I get lost in the sounds, and often the words as well. I've told my friends that should I ever land in the hospital in a coma, I want them to drag a CD player into my room and play music for me. I am convinced that if anything could pull me back into consciousness, music could.

I love to experience music in just about any format. Almost any genre. In the car. Shaking the pictures off the walls at home. Headphones. In concert. Symphonies. Bands. Solo. A single instrument. A cappella. Slow. Fast. Doesn't matter to me. I love it all. Granted there are some kinds I like more than others, but music is magical to me.

While I love it in any format, there is something special about experiencing it live - in concert. I have been known to cry at the symphony. The beauty of the music is so powerful that it literally moves me to tears. When listening to a singer in concert, I often get lost in the power of their voice. One note will come along and sweep me away. I become mesmerized, it's as if there is no one in the room but me. I'm sure that I appear to be bored to death on the outside - but I am so caught up in the sounds that everything seems to slow down, and I slip into a trance.

That happened to me last night. I went to a Mercy Me concert with a friend. Phil Wickham also performed. They have such powerful voices and sing such powerful messages that I became lost in the evening. Entranced by it all. God also has a way of showing up at those things and speaking directly to me.

A couple of days ago, I wrote a post called Surrender. In it, I talked about being ready to accept whatever pain God needed to allow into my life in order to bring me to a place of complete submission. Last night, Mercy Me gave testimonies about being in that same place, and even shared some ongoing struggles they had with letting things go and understanding why bad things happened to them. They sang a song that ministered to me and confirmed that I am on the right track with where I need to be in my brokenness with God. Their words will explain it much better than mine:

Bring the Rain by Mercy Me (from their new album Coming Up To Breathe)
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray..

(chorus)
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings you glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise you
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray...

(repeat chorus)

God never ceases to amaze me in the many ways He speaks to us. Last night, He just happened to use this band at this concert to let me know that I am not alone, He is in control, and I am right where I need to be. Praise Him!!

Fear Factor

Okay - this is completely gross and probably totally inappropriate to share - BUT I HAVE TO!!

Have you ever seen the Stephen King movie Dreamcatcher? Remember the scene in the bathroom? Well, I felt I lived through a replay the other day...

I did the deed, stood, turned to flush and what did I see? Much to my dismay, a big, nasty, totally ALIVE roach. He was crawling around inside the toilet bowl. There is no humanly way I can even begin to express to you via this blog the INTENSE phobia I have of bugs. I have literally turned over a sofa in search of a bug before. Once I see one, I cannot rest until it's dead. I could never, never, never go on Fear Factor and put my head in a box full of bugs. NO WAY. I'd almost pay them $1,000,000 to get them off of me.

So the mere thought of little Charlie the cockroach being that close to my exposed booty sends chills through my body. I feel that I now have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) as I am no longer able to make unfettered use of the facilities. Yikes, it freaks me out just thinking about it.

Anyway- there is no relevance to anything in that story. It just wigged me out so bad that I had to share!! For those of you that know me and only think I am animated when telling a story - I might turn right into a bona fide cartoon character with this one...

My Space

I just had a friend invite me to join myspace.com. I have to admit, I am a little 'on the fence' about it. While I think it would be a neat way to meet people, I am shocked and horrified by the amount of information people reveal about themselves. I realize that anyone determined enough could probably dig up all that stuff anyway, but why make it any easier? I guess I don't want to end up as the lead character in a Lifetime movie.

I am paranoid because I had a mild experience with identity theft a couple of years ago. Although I say it was a mild experience, it was a NIGHTMARE. I am still afraid to try to write a check in Bruno's because I am terrified that their computer will reject it (even though I have NEVER bounced a check there - someone did in my name...). I think that is the only place left that I am still afraid to write checks. Even though I presented them with a copy of police reports and signed affidavits from the bank - I was still humiliated the last time I tried to write a check and the manager came out and told me I couldn't. I can't remember how long I carried copies of the police report and the letter from the bank around with me - fearful that I might need proof in case they tried to arrest me for something someone else did.

Another thing about myspace is all the distractions. My blog is all about writing. I feel called by God to write. I've been doing the "Jonah" for quite a while now - and I am finally trying to get myself in line with God's call. I am a creative junky. When I get on the computer, I lose all sense of time - especially when I am doing something creative. I'm afraid that I will become so distracted by all the links, pictures, questions, backgrounds, songs, etc that I will lose focus on the whole reason I am on-line anyway. I stay so busy with other things that even finding time to blog is difficult.

I'm not saying that I will never create a myspace page - but for now I must graciously decline.

Photography

Hey! If you are interested - check out my link to Lee Lee's Photography. I added a different blog to display some of the photos I have taken. I hope to add more later. I've put the camera down for a while, and I am hoping that having this photo blog will inspire me to get going again!

Surrender

Today was a wonderful day. I went to Birmingham with my mom. We had a girls' day out. Massive shopping spree. A little cheesecake. Some really great talks along the way. All in all, it was ideal. However, there was one moment injected right in the middle of the day that brought a temporary dark cloud over our bliss.

I got a phone call from my roommate, and she told me that my dog had been very sick all morning. As she described his symptoms, the blood drained from my face. You see, I had another dog to die about three years ago - and today's events were sounding all too familiar. My doggies are like my children. When Kirby died in 2003, I was a WRECK. I don't remember the last time I was that upset. So when the call came today, I simply wasn't prepared to go through that again.

After talking to my roommate and my mom, we decided not to cut our trip short. My roommate had been watching Cooper closely, and felt he was going to be okay. So we decided to stay. Honestly though, for the rest of the day, all I could do was wonder if I was going to come home to find him dead. Then God and I had a moment in the dressing room that changed it all.

As I stood there, contemplating the loss of another pet, I was flooded with a sense of surrender. I didn't want my little doggie to die, but if God needed to strip me of another love in order to bring me under His leading - then I was willing to accept that. I realized that God will continue to take things out of my life until He is my only choice. For the first time, today I was truly ready to yield to Him. This is huge! Compared to where I was a year ago, this reaction couldn't be more different. I felt my selfishness and pride cave in. I gave up.

For the past year or so, I have been at odds with God. Last year, I became almost irate with Him and basically decided to give Him the cold shoulder. Long story short, He has been very silent in my life regarding some issues that are very important to me. It had gotten to the point where it felt like He wasn't even there. The more I longed for fullness in my life, the more He took away. I have lost several relationships over the past couple of years, and it has been very hard for me. Last year, I had finally had enough. I felt like God wasn't doing anything for me, and on top of that He was taking away people that I cared about. I guess I have been feeling a little like Job, wondering who will show up next to report yet another loss in my life.

Somewhere in the midst of all this, God has managed to find His way back into my heart. Recently, I made peace with Him, and we are on the road to restoration. He still has me in limbo regarding relationships, forcing me to spend more time alone that I would like. But He is also making clear to me the reason I need solitude right now.

Psalm 139:23-24 says "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Whatever God has to take to make me truly dependent on Him, I am at peace with that. I know I am stubborn, strong-willed and defiant. I know I need to be broken. I don't enjoy it, but I know I need it. Honestly, I hope I am finally to that point of realization that God can now do something with me - and He won't need to bring any more loss into my life. But if I need to be broken even more to be pliable for Him, then bring it on.

Incidentally, I got home tonight and Cooper was fine. He was kicking up his heels like a little donkey. I am still keeping watch over him tonight, and the groomer will keep a close eye tomorrow - but he seems to be back to his old self. Thank God!

Halloween

Click here before reading any further (you need the sound effects to go with this post!)

Today was a day like any other day. I was sitting at my desk at work, eyes glued to a computer screen. Things were relatively quiet around the office. Not much chatter going on. Then, out of no where, the theme song to the movie "Halloween" starts to play. The music was fairly loud. Almost as if we were really in the movie. Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to look at each other. Of course, I yell out, "Michael, is that you? Are we about to be murdered?"

It was the new guy's cell phone. That theme song was his ring tone and he had the volume turned all the way up. Just so happens that he was standing right on the other side of everyone's cubicle walls - just out of sight - when his phone rang. We all thought it was hilarious. He, of course, was embarrassed. I loved it. People always joke about their jobs being Hell, etc. At least they don't work with a serial killer who brings his own theme music. I think I'll call the new guy Michael from now on...

Hungry For Righteousness?

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."

Matt 5:6

Recently I attended an interdenominational Bible study, and the topic at hand was the Sermon on the Mount, more specifically - the beatitudes. We only covered the first four, but one stood out to me. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness...

A common theme runs throughout the beatitudes, and that is humility. I began to ponder the spirit of humility in conjunction with this verse. Physically speaking, how many starving homeless people do you see puffed up with pride? They will do whatever it takes to get food: steal, dig through garbage, beg. I'd say you have to be pretty humble to eat food from the trash. When you have such a basic need going unfulfilled - that need consumes you. Left unfed for too long, it becomes the only thing you live for.

We are all hungry and thirsty for something. Those that don't know Christ are like the homeless (in fact, they are homeless, eternally speaking). They will go almost anywhere looking for the "food" their soul needs. Money. Career. Sex. Material wealth. Drugs. Food. Relationships. In essence, they are digging through the trash heaps of this world looking for nourishment.

Have I ever found myself in the alley, digging through a dumpster right along side the homeless? Of course. I'm sure we all have from time to time. Yet we have a feast waiting for us. I'm awe-struck that we would ever leave a banquet table full of piping hot, delicious food and either go on a hunger strike or dig through garbage thinking we will find something better.

We are all born with a hunger for God. It's natural. Some don't recognize the hunger as a hunger for God. They just know they're hungry, so they seek to feed themselves. Some realize what they hunger for, yet allow themselves to sit and starve. But there are some who have tasted the juices of God's goodness and have bellied up to the table, napkin tucked firmly in their collars. There may be times when we wander back and forth between the alley and the dinner table. I hope when we are enjoying those times of feasting, we don't become so engrossed in stuffing our faces that we forget about those still digging through the trash.

We all hunger. It's a matter of what we hunger for - and what we chose to fill ourselves with.

Blessed are those that hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

The Sign That Never Came

Many times we feel led by God in a certain direction. Rarely does God lead us right into the heart of our comfort zone to do something comfortable and familiar. More often, He leads us into uncharted waters to do something scary and uncomfortable, or at the very least something inconvenient. How many times do we hide behind a sign?

Asking God for direction is perfectly okay and understandable. I don't think God wants a bunch of renegade Christians out there jumping the gun day after day, all in the name of feeling "led." Conversely, I don't think He wants us sitting Buddha-style in our living rooms waiting for a lightning bolt. There are plenty of examples in Scripture where God provided signs to the people (Gen 9:13; Ex 4:5-8; Ex 8:23; Jdg 6:11-24; 1Ki 13:3; Is 38:7 just to name a few). There are also examples of Jesus' not indulging requests for a sign (Mt16:4; Mk 8:12).

How many times have our conversations with God gone something like this:
"What does God want us to do?"
Jesus told them, "This is what God wants you to do: Believe in the one he has sent."
They replied, "You must show us a miraculous sign if you want us to believe in you. What will you do for us?" John 6:28-30

We all want direction, guidance and purpose in our lives. I'm sure most of us have prayed for that at one time or another. Then we receive a prompting or word from God. Many times that isn't enough. We want a sign. A map, a diagram, a playbook. Sometimes God doesn't want to give us a sign. Sometimes He just wants us to believe and step out in faith.

We like to snatch Romans 12:2b right off the page and wear it around on our foreheads: "Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will." Many times we aren't willing to march one step without that good ol' lightning bolt of "confirmation." But I say, rather than us testing God, maybe He is testing our faith (1Pet 1:7).

There is no pattern or play book. If you feel led by God in a certain direction, of course you should pray about it and seek counsel when appropriate (but do not become bogged down in counsel-seeking either; that can become another crutch we use to hold us back from getting on with the task at hand. And sometimes our brothers can serve to unknowingly tear us down and squelch a dream rather than point us in the right direction - just look at Job). If God continues to remain silent on the confirmation/sign front, yet you cannot shake the tug of the Spirit - I say you've got to step out in faith and begin what you believe God calls you to do.

Many times God won't offer confirmation until after we take the first step. Sometimes not until several steps down the road. Most importantly, continue to listen to His voice above all else. Look for road blocks. Make note of other Believers and scriptures that are in agreement with your path. Don't let fear and doubt wash away your spark. Follow Him blindly, and eventually things will become clear.

I think most of us have that little nagging "thing" in our minds that scares us to death. We wonder if it is from God or if "it's something we cooked up in our minds." We ask for confirmation or a specific sign, like seeing a clown riding a unicycle down the freeway. The "sign" never comes (probably because the clown is smushed to the grill of an 18-wheeler - poor clown), yet we cannot shake the feeling. So we pray for signs, talk to anyone who will listen, and never take one step. At some point, we have to exercise our faith and go for it.

Isn't it time you took that first step? You know the one I mean...

Five People We Meet In Heaven

I am continually amazed at the many ways God communicates with us. No matter what circumstance, good or bad, God finds endless ways to reach into my life and touch me. I am brought to tears when the reality of His love overwhelms my heart. To think that the Creator of all mankind would know me personally and care for me enough to minister to me one on one...

The issue of Heaven has been on my mind and heart lately. A book, a class at church, a teacher with a beautiful heart and hunger for God, and an outspoken student with an opposing opinion - all have been instrumental in bringing me to this place.

The mystery of Heaven still swirls about, dancing in the wind like billowing smoke from a freshly extinguished candle. But the mystery is now sweet, no longer thorns on a rose. I know that I am incapable of full understanding, and I am at peace with that. I trust God enough to believe that whatever He has in store will leave me speechless.

Life holds much fullness. Richness in spirit beyond compare. The future is brighter than the past. Hope is the eternal spring that waters all living things and helps them bloom with vibrant colors, sweeter than any perfume. Can't you hear the melodious call of adventures not yet taken? Laughter not yet spun? Lives not yet woven?

I must share with you a movie called "Five People We Meet In Heaven" starring Jon Voight. The movie is based on the book by Mitch Albom. I implore you, get up from your computer right now, find this movie and watch it today. It is a beautiful picture of the mixture of lives that are woven together like lace. In the end, we all effect one another. In the end, we all have the same story.

No matter how ineffective you may feel, your influence reaches beyond your comprehension. No matter how wasteful, unfulfilling and purposeless you think your life might be, you will be amazed to see whose lives have been changed because of you.

I bought this movie weeks ago. I kept seeing it at the store. It kept drawing my attention every time I entered the movie section. I would pick it up, look at it, and always put it back down. One day I decided to buy it. I brought it home and stuck in on my DVD shelf, where it sat for weeks. Tonight, in the quiet of the evening with no one home but me, it was time for me to watch it (this is the goosebumpy part of how God works). I know now why God prompted me to buy it, then waited until now to move me to watch it.

In my struggle to understand eternity, judgment, Heaven, etc, I had become so bogged down with differing opinions and ideas that Heaven had begun to lose its appeal. Sure, it was definitely a better alternative than Hell. But beyond that, I wasn't all too excited about it. I didn't want to slip back into the mode of just ignoring the idea of death and eternity because I didn't understand it. And God knew I needed a break. It is just like God to lay all this groundwork, till the soil of your heart, get every detail primed and ready before delivering a message. Then He drops a lightning bolt from Heaven right into your heart, in that exact spot He has soften and prepared to be able to hear and understand.

I've always said "God is a gentleman. He will never force Himself on anyone." I love how He loves on us in ways we are able to accept at the moment. Be it a direct word, sunbeams, a "random" email, a song, an act of love from a friend, a butterfly, the laughter of a child, a movie, your dog or a spider on the sidewalk - He always finds just the right way into your heart! To think that the Creator of the universe loves us so much that He would go to all that trouble. Then again, when you are crazy in love with someone, I guess it's really no trouble at all...

This movie really spoke to me, and I do beg you to watch it. I won't give you many details because you need to experience it for yourself. This movie may not be the vehicle God uses to speak to you. Your message may be coming in a different form. But it is coming. God longs to romance us. To find those sweet ways to remind us of His love. To reassure us that we are forgiven and safe under the umbrella of His grace.

I don't always walk on a cloud. I don't walk around under a giant beam of light. But sometimes, often when I least expect it - God will smile on me in such a way that causes my heart to burst. Makes me feel like I live in a musical. I want to dance in the streets, swing around a lamp post - all while singing at the top of my lungs. This movie just happened to do that for me, and I thought you should know!

Thank God for Toilet Paper!

If you ever pray with me, you may hear me thank God for light bulbs, carpet, air conditioning, socks or any number of seemingly random things. He is the Creator of man, who in turn created modern conveniences such as the paper clip, bookmark, pillow and shoelace. Therefore, I thank the Creator for small, often overlooked blessings such as highliters, windshield wipers, shampoo, and dental floss. Moreover, I try to see God in everything. I have been known to look for the spiritual analogy in a stop sign, a school bus or even a soda can floating in the rain gutter. And sometimes there is no analogy to be found. Sometimes I am just plain ol' grateful to God for giving me something as "trivial" as toilet paper.

Did you know that people in the pre-toilet paper era used things like coconut shells and corn cobs to wipe their tushies? COCONUT SHELLS!! Have you ever seen a coconut shell? More importantly, have you ever FELT a coconut shell? Ouch! Boy, the Charmin quilters would have a field day with that one. Anyway. In case you are looking for something you've been taking for granted - something that seems trivial, but has actually become a necessity in your life - to be thankful for....I'd say toilet paper is your winner, hands down.

Check out this article on the origin of our friend, T.P. It's a quick and interesting read. Then get off the pot and start looking for other mundane and ordinary things that make your life one of ease and luxury. Thank God for the billions of blessings that surround you every day. Maybe He will even help you see Him in something as simple as a toothpick.

Heaven Revisited

I was talking to my mom today about a book she is reading by John Ortberg. The book is entitled "God Is Closer Than You Think." I haven't read the book yet, but I am intrigued. Apparently he explores the idea that in the same way people have different personalities, people also have different means of connecting with God. Some connect with Him by experiencing nature, some in worship, some in meditation and some in relationships. I definitely connect to God through my relationships with others. Talking, sharing, praying, exploring - all done with other Christians, excites and energizes me.

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

-Proverbs 27:17

My friend, Lisa, definitely sharpens me. A comment she posted on my blog a few days ago helped redirect my thought process and attitude toward this whole eternity issue. While I don't fully comprehend what judgment and eternity will be like, I can still rejoice in the fact that it will happen. I can also share that joy with those that do not know Christ. I don't have to have a perfect and complete understanding of every aspect of eternity in order to "sell" someone else on it.

I have never been married. My married friends can tell me all day long what marriage is like, but until I experience it for myself, I cannot fully understand where they are coming from. I still hope to marry some day.

I've never given birth to a child. I can watch the Discovery Health Channel all day long, even go to lamaze classes - but until I experience it firsthand, I will never comprehend the physical pain and emotional elation of that process. I still hope to become a mother some day.

I've never been to Italy. I can read stories, look at pictures, learn to speak Italian and eat Chicken Scaloppine at every meal - but I can only imagine what sunset in Tuscany will really look like in person. I still plan to experience it some day.

I am guilty of being impatient, trying to skip ahead to the end. I have always been one to catch on to things fairly quickly. I didn't study much in school, but made good grades - honor roll and Beta Club even. I can't tell you how many people have rolled their eyes at me and told me how lucky I was to be one of those people that can just sit in class and pick up everything without having to study. I couldn't disagree more. Because I didn't have to study, I developed a sense of learned laziness. So when I run into something like eternity that I cannot comprehend and cannot figure out, I am consumed with frustration - which often results in me giving up. I never developed the discipline of persistence because I didn't have to.

So I am thankful for friends like Lisa who help bring me down off the ceiling when I am having a "why can't I conquer the world" moment. Sometimes I just need a reality check. Logically I know that I will not fully understand Heaven until I get there. Meanwhile I can continue to study God's word, embrace what I do understand and learn to love the mystery of the rest.

After all, if God wants to throw us a surprise party - who are we to steal His joy! He's given us everything we need to know to successfully navigate life's journey toward eternity. If He has purposefully left out a few party details, we can't get stuck obsessing over those missing pieces and neglect the treasure chest He has given us.

Track 9

This may seem strange, but I recently noticed that track 9 on nearly every CD I own is a song that I really like. When I buy a new CD, often it will be because I like the artist or a certain song. While I might like the artist, rarely do I find a CD where I immediately love every song. Generally, a well-known and popular song will be first, followed by some slower, meaningful ballads expressed in a style that may not jive with the "beat" that motivated me to buy the CD in the first place. Then there's track 9. It might be slow. It might be fast. It might be familiar or brand new. Either way, 95% of the time it will be something I thoroughly enjoy. When I buy a new CD these days, I sometimes skip ahead to track 9 just to see. One thing I have discovered, however, is if I will listen to the CD in its entirety, every song will eventually win me over. There are exceptions, of course. But generally, this holds true.

I find myself so often trying to skip ahead to "track 9" in my life. I want to get to the good stuff, the "prize". I don't want to take the time to really listen to what's in the middle. But the middle is often where the best stuff hides. At the end of the movie "Hope Floats," Sandra Bullock makes this statement, "Beginnings are usually scary. Endings are usually sad. It's the middle that counts the most." How true that is!

How many relationships have I missed out on? How many opportunities to serve? How many blessings have I forfeited? All because I am seeking the illusive "track 9." Rather than letting the music of life minister to me, mold me, move me, motivate me and change me, do I simply tolerate it waiting for something better? If only I would absorb the richness of the "words in the middle" and appreciate who I am and what I have now. If only I would let God play out my life's music in the time He composed rather than obsessing over the fast forward button.

There is nothing wrong with "track 9." Nothing wrong with anticipating it, looking forward to it. "Track 9" is a good thing. But tracks 1 through 8 can also be such a rich blessing (often full of meaningful lessons and opportunities for growth). I pray that I will learn to hear and appreciate the blessings in today. Track 9 will get here soon enough, but I don't want to miss one note of blessing to be found in tracks 1 through 8!

Why Heaven?

I am still going to my Heaven class. I think I have moved from a sense of awe and excitement to a sense of confusion and frustration. The more I hear, read and discuss - the more confused I feel. What will Heaven be like? Ask 100 people, get 100 answers. I know we can't ever truly get our brains around the concept of Heaven and eternity. We are too finite. That much I do understand. But if Heaven is supposed to be the point, shouldn't we be able to understand it? Have some general idea of what it will entail? Be able to "sell" others on going there? Be genuinely excited about going there ourselves? I'm sorry, but I have a hard time getting excited about something I find difficult to comprehend. I have that old feeling I used to get sitting at the kitchen table with my dad trying to work through algebra problems.

I don't want my desire for Heaven to simply be an "it beats the alternative" mentality. I'm a Christian, so I'm supposed to have a bubbly exuberance and eager anticipation for eternity, right? The thought of "standing before the throne of God singing" FFFFFOOOOORRRRREEEEEVVVVVEEEEERRRR sounds boring to me. Don't get me wrong. I love to sing. I definitely want to hang out with God. But just standing there in a big crowd doing that forever isn't all that appealing to me. Now enters the debate. What will we do in Heaven? Is the Bible's voice regarding Heaven literal or figurative? Mansions - literal or figurative? If they're literal, will I ever get to see mine if I am participating in a never ending church service? Treasures in Heaven, crowns, streets of gold, etc, etc, etc. Literal or figurative?

And our bodies. What kind will they be? A transformed version of what we have now. But what does that really mean? Honestly, that part doesn't really matter to me. As long as whatever body I have goes there, who cares. But it has been another topic of debate. And where is Heaven? Up there? Coming down here? Some other coexisting dimension we cannot yet see? Again, no matter to me as long as I'm there.

There have been so many issues raised in this class. Issues about death, judgment (when is it and what will we do in between death and judgment if it isn't immediate...), levels of Heaven, Hell - what they'll know/what we'll know, rewards, crowns, and again - what will we do, think, feel. What's literal, what's not. I've heard it all from one end to the other - with scripture to back all sides.

I guess my ultimate frustration lies in the mystery of it all. I wish things were more clear. More cut and dried. I admit, I get frustrated with God sometimes and how He seems to leave us in a fog. I know we need faith and all, but sometimes I feel like saying, "God, I'm willing to do whatever, if you would just tell me." Instead I feel like I am playing guessing games. I don't know. Things just seems complicated sometimes. Hard to comprehend.

I have a hard time just accepting something because someone says so (ask my parents!). I need to know why and how. And I don't feel like I have fully grasped something until I can explain it back to you. So when I run into something that I can't get my brain around, I become frustrated. I know I have much studying to do. Like I said before, I haven't spent a lot of time really contemplating Heaven. I find it odd that we as Christians often breeze past that topic or overlook/avoid it all together when Heaven is supposed to be our goal. When I set other goals, I know why I've set them, what I plan to do when I reach them, what benefits I will receive, and I try to plan how I will get there. Yet here is this ultimate and outstandingly important goal, and I have spent so little time focusing on it specifically. I've looked all around it as if it were a solar eclipse or something.

Anyway, enough of my ramblings. I just had to vent. On to more studying. I do believe that God wants us to have an understanding of Him and His will for us. To me, that includes eternity. So I am confident that He will be faithful to guide me. I just want the shortcut sometimes!