Balance

Life, in general, is such a balancing act. Finding that perfect place between giving and selfishness can be difficult. I've begun to notice things that bother me about others are often things I find myself doing. When someone hurts my feelings or ticks me off, all I can see is this glaring wrong that was committed against me. Much to my embarassment, I often find myself perpetrating the same act on some other undeserving soul. So I try to work at digging this huge log out of my own eye rather than trying to excavate the splinter from another's.

As I work on trying to repair my own flaws, I become consumed with my own "walk" and often forget those walking with me. I can't tell you how many times I have walked away from a conversation with a friend and realized I had gone on and on about my own issues or opinions without stopping to really savor their presence or invest in what was going on with them. I shudder when I think, "Not once did I ask how their week was going or even if they had plans for the weekend." And so I find myself in an uncomfortable place of self-absorption.

In order to "get outside of myself" I begin to search for ways to serve others. I try to remain conscious all day of my facial expressions, tone of voice and reaction to others. I want others to know that I am investing in them, that I care. Before long, all this caring leaves me tired. I find that this is the time I will pour all of my energy into caring for co-workers or strangers or other people that only know me superficially and then have nothing left for my family and friends, the people who really love and support me.

Recently I heard someone say that Jesus ministered to the crowds, then he had the 12, but even beyond that he had the 3 that he poured his life into. That statement really struck me because all I could think was, "how did he have the energy left to pour anything into these 3?" After dealing with demanding crowds all day, and then having to explain everything to the disciples, I don't know how he had anything left to give. But I think I have been looking at things upside down. I think he spent time with God first and was energized by that. Then he had special intimacy with the 3, and we all know how energizing it is to be with people that "get" you, believe in you and support you. Then he had the 12. Again, it is reviving to be a part of a group. A place where you belong and share common experiences. All of this energized him to minister on a larger scale. For me, I think I have been starting in the ocean first, trying to paint the big picture all on my own. Instead, I should start at home with a cool, refreshing drink from God and my "inner circle." Then I'll have the energy to tackle the world.

Some friends and I recently joined a discipleship group thing at our church. The very first night we were talking and I told them that my job just takes everything I have. By the end of the day I am so tired that I have to force myself to do things in the evening. I have been leading a Bible study on Thursday nights, and I know there have been times when I completely slacked in preparing for it. I have not been the leader I should be. There have been nights when I have met with my accountability group and have just gone through the motions, not really there mentally. I often allow eternally insignificant things to drain all of my energy, and I have nothing left for the people God has placed in my inner circle. A place that is supposed to be mutually nurturing, supportive and challenging. Girls, I apologize that I have been living upside down with slanted priorities that has often left me emotionally, mentally and physically bankrupt for you. I love you all dearly, and I could not make it without you. I never want to look back on any encounter with you and realize that I slighted you simply because we are frump-wear, back door kind of friends. I never want you to leave my presence and wonder if you are special to me.

You know the verse....As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17) My girls definitely sharpen me, and oh how I love them for it!!

Lord, please help me to cherish and nourish the relationships you have given me as a source of strength. Help me to remember that these are tools You use to equip me to do the work of Your Kingdom. Help me to keep my tools sharp and never let them get dull or rusty. Help me to see them for the jewels they are and not toss them in the shed knowing they will be there when I need them. Help me to be a nourishing light to them in return. Most of all, Lord, help me to live in that place of balance where I am able to bestow compassion on the flaws of others while recognizing my own faults, live in submission to You while helping others in their journey of faith, and invest more in my sisters than I expect in return.