Forgiveness

Today at lunch I was listening to Christian radio and they were talking about forgiveness. I didn't really think I had too much of an issue with that, but I decided to see what God had for me to hear. By the end of the broadcast I was sitting in my car in tears. I guess I had not realized that there were a couple of people in my life that I have yet to forgive. As the 3 speakers bantered back and forth about the topic, they brought up issues that immediately brought certain people to mind. I quickly realized I still had forgiveness issues with them.

I figured I had the forgiveness thing licked because I have managed (with God's grace and help) to truly forgive the person who hurt me most in my life. That was such a huge deal with such a long healing and forgiveness process that it made all the other "little" hurts in life seem rather pale. But today I realized that there were several "little" hurts that had been swept under the rug and allowed to fester. My weepy response to God's message tells me that these hurts are no longer "little" as far as my heart is concerned.

My mind began racing with defensive thoughts like, "What if they don't even realize they hurt me? Shouldn't they somehow be made to feel like a skank before I forgive them? If I forgive them without any consequences on their part, what if they think they have license to hurt me again? Shouldn't I at least set some sort of defined boundaries before I forgive in order to prevent this from happening again? If I keep forgiving over and over with no consequences to offender, won't I just become a doormat?" The excuses went on and on. And each one was raised by the speakers on this show. Each was raised, and each was shot down.

Basically, they reminded me that forgiveness reveals brokenness. Brokenness does two things. One, it points others to the cross. Christ was broken for us. God sacrificed His Son for us - and hey, we aren't so swell either. Two, it reminds us of our brokenness. As we become broken by forgiving others, we are pointed to the cross, reminded of our sinful condition and the price that was paid for us.

"But what about repeat offenders?" I protest. Well, aren't we repeat offenders? I don't know how many times I have had to go to God asking for forgiveness, strength and help with the same thing over and over. As for those repeat offenders oblivious to our plight at their hands? Again, how selfish am I that should have to go to God over and over with the same sin. And let's not forget our brother David who asked God in Psalms 139 to examine his heart and reveal his offensive ways. Human selfishness and repeat offending has been a part of mankind since the beginning of time.

And my never-ending struggle between boundaries and forgiveness? That protest was met with one response. Did Christ set boundaries after forgiving us? Does He love us less or treat us differently? Does He only answer a percentage of prayers in direct correlation to how many times we've put ourselves in a pinch? Does He hold a grudge and hold us hostage to our sin to make sure we feel adequately punished before hearing or answering our prayers? Does He walk around Heaven with a snarled, snide attitude telling God and the angels all about what we did? Is His love conditional on our performance?

Bottom line: Forgiveness is an act of faith and obedience. We are commanded to do it. We never feel equipped to do it, hence the faith. Forgiveness is often a journey, something we have to do over and over. The speaker today talked about how often the "offender's" name will keep coming up for you over and over, at random times, they will just pop into your mind. When that happens, and you have that gnawing feeling in your gut - something is still wrong, and you need to stop right then and re-declare your forgiveness, praying for strength. It may take a while, but it will eventually be healed. Yet so often, this process is something that must be acted out long before our emotions rise to match our decision to forgive.

V-Day

Here we are, the day were the world is robotically forced to celebrate love. Please don't misunderstand. I'm not anti-Valentine's day. I've just been thinking outside my skin lately, trying to resurrect my old bohemian-beatnik carcass of an artist. The one that sees everything with a slant and no one understands. While being understood has its merits, being real is much more important.

A few years ago I decided to boycott the commercial gift-giving side of Christmas. I don't want a pile of future yard sale junk given to me by people who only bought it out of guilt or obligation. And I don't particularly enjoy going into debt and getting elbowed in the forehead at the mall trying to do the same for them. I guess that mentality has spilled over into Valentine's Day. I don't want someone to declare their love for me because Hallmark told them to. I'd rather get a card on June 17th for no reason at all other than "just because I was thinking of you." Despite my protestitory attitude, the holidays keep on coming - which is fine. I just hope no one is offended when they don't receive a Stepford valentine from me.

Again, please don't misunderstand. I'm not opposed to V-Day at all. In fact, as a connoisseur of chocolate, I am quite fond of any holiday that would prompt Publix to build a 8-foot shrine to my favorite food right inside their front door. I can even lose myself in the rushing waters of society sometimes. I didn't want to be the only one not getting any action on Valentine's Day, so I made an appointment with my gynecologist. Hey, it's better than some alternatives, right? At least he's clean, rich and wears gloves.

Anyway - as the smell of roses wafted through the office today and a wave of giggles, ooh's, and aah's washed over the department when someone was called to the receptionist's desk for a "delivery," I got to thinking about all this love and roses and chocolate. I am amused at people who were fighting or complaining yesterday, yet are as sweet as syrup today. Men who paid little attention to their wives 361 days a year, but suddenly their competitive man juices get to flowing when they hear Bob in the next cube ordering roses for his sweetie. And so begins the flow of shiny, red, heart-shaped boxes of candy and flowers of all sorts. I am amazed that for one day a year our society softens and it's deemed acceptable to be mushy gushy and googly eyed. When God commanded us to love each other, why does it take collaboration from Hallmark for us to live that out?

I amaze myself with how selfish I can be. I like to think of myself as compassionate and giving, always looking for ways I can help people. But mostly I think I want to help myself. I guess we all do. And when society gives us permission to be giving, we are. We are because everyone else is, and we don't want to stand out or be labeled a weirdo or scrooge. I am bothered by this because these holidays, the one's I have decided to "boycott" are the only times I bring this mentality to the forefront of my thinking. On June 17th, will it occur to me to send some a card "just because"? Probably not. Am I as eager to show others how important they are to me at random times when no one is looking? Often I am too busy stewing in my own life soup to notice anyone who isn't in my kettle. And let's face it, we all have a kettle. We are each issued one when we are born. The older we get, the bigger, heavier and fuller it gets. Stirring my own soup often takes precedence over anything else. It's not that I intend to ignore people, I just get so caught up in my own stuff that I forget to pull my head out of the sand.

So, I say...Thank you Hallmark and Russell Stover for reminding me that God commanded me to love others. And Lord, please help me to get over myself enough to remember to love others after all the candy hearts are gone.

An empty hand

What is this thing you love?
This blessed curse that hangs so ornately around your neck
Your own personal albatross
This hollowness that penetrates and absorbs your entire atmosphere

"Love," you say?
Surely this blistering thing is nothing of the sort
A cold and bitter empty hand
This is my lot - to live out my days...unfulfilled
I have been robbed even before I have received

Your emptiness has left you filled to the brim
What was once a thing of beauty, hope and wonder has since become an all-consuming darkness that you feed and nurture like a starving baby bird
Blindness has befriended your rage leaving only a hollow shell of ingratitude

I am crippled by my Creator
Left here alone with only this hole
If only ingratitude were the leader of my emotions
I am plagued by silence and engulfed in the flames of this - my unanswered prayer

In all your days, have you uttered but one prayer?
Have not others been answered?
Has this present silence become so deafening that you can no longer hear the echoes of answers from prayers past?

Do prayers and good deeds expire?
Is what was once heard still heard today?
How long must one go without a single drop of water before one withers?
Is it not God who speaks of keeping his children from exasperation?
Shall I make God out to be a liar?

Oh, how my heart shatters into one thousand pieces!
I cannot bear to see what you cannot see
Selfishness has stolen your ability to witness blessings surrounding you each day
I fear you have the curse of Pharaoh
I pray it does not take many plagues to turn stone to sand

I am not a robber and a thief
I did not wipe out a man's life with no reason at all
I am not silent, but I am met with it day after agonizing day
Yet I am on trial for my current condition?

One cannot be both defendant and judge
You cry persecution, yet wear a black robe and carry a gavel
Be reminded of your position
One of lowly, wretched, detestable sinfulness
Remember the rescue you received despite unworthiness
Consider the bounty that lies at your feet in addition to the priceless gift already afforded you
Yet this outstretched hand has become your axis - the center of your world?

Oh, shame my woeful spirit!
My soul lies in ashes
Smoldering with the sting of conviction
Dare I ask for one thing more?
Forgive and cleanse these claws of greed that scratch upon the throne room door
A blind man I have been
To be seated in the treasure chest, yet live as one without even a crust of bread
How humiliated is my asking breath
So deceived by this veil of desire
Will my eyes ever look heavenward again?
Is forgiveness within my grasp?

Pardon was granted long before it was requested
Freedom lies just beyond the fingertips of your empty palm
Embrace your dreams and be not afraid to envision them boldly
Balance is serving beyond the silence
The unanswered prayer may be intended to keep you asking