Surrender

Today was a wonderful day. I went to Birmingham with my mom. We had a girls' day out. Massive shopping spree. A little cheesecake. Some really great talks along the way. All in all, it was ideal. However, there was one moment injected right in the middle of the day that brought a temporary dark cloud over our bliss.

I got a phone call from my roommate, and she told me that my dog had been very sick all morning. As she described his symptoms, the blood drained from my face. You see, I had another dog to die about three years ago - and today's events were sounding all too familiar. My doggies are like my children. When Kirby died in 2003, I was a WRECK. I don't remember the last time I was that upset. So when the call came today, I simply wasn't prepared to go through that again.

After talking to my roommate and my mom, we decided not to cut our trip short. My roommate had been watching Cooper closely, and felt he was going to be okay. So we decided to stay. Honestly though, for the rest of the day, all I could do was wonder if I was going to come home to find him dead. Then God and I had a moment in the dressing room that changed it all.

As I stood there, contemplating the loss of another pet, I was flooded with a sense of surrender. I didn't want my little doggie to die, but if God needed to strip me of another love in order to bring me under His leading - then I was willing to accept that. I realized that God will continue to take things out of my life until He is my only choice. For the first time, today I was truly ready to yield to Him. This is huge! Compared to where I was a year ago, this reaction couldn't be more different. I felt my selfishness and pride cave in. I gave up.

For the past year or so, I have been at odds with God. Last year, I became almost irate with Him and basically decided to give Him the cold shoulder. Long story short, He has been very silent in my life regarding some issues that are very important to me. It had gotten to the point where it felt like He wasn't even there. The more I longed for fullness in my life, the more He took away. I have lost several relationships over the past couple of years, and it has been very hard for me. Last year, I had finally had enough. I felt like God wasn't doing anything for me, and on top of that He was taking away people that I cared about. I guess I have been feeling a little like Job, wondering who will show up next to report yet another loss in my life.

Somewhere in the midst of all this, God has managed to find His way back into my heart. Recently, I made peace with Him, and we are on the road to restoration. He still has me in limbo regarding relationships, forcing me to spend more time alone that I would like. But He is also making clear to me the reason I need solitude right now.

Psalm 139:23-24 says "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Whatever God has to take to make me truly dependent on Him, I am at peace with that. I know I am stubborn, strong-willed and defiant. I know I need to be broken. I don't enjoy it, but I know I need it. Honestly, I hope I am finally to that point of realization that God can now do something with me - and He won't need to bring any more loss into my life. But if I need to be broken even more to be pliable for Him, then bring it on.

Incidentally, I got home tonight and Cooper was fine. He was kicking up his heels like a little donkey. I am still keeping watch over him tonight, and the groomer will keep a close eye tomorrow - but he seems to be back to his old self. Thank God!