A four letter word called Pride

The past few days God has been revealing to me the tremendous amount of pride I have living in me. For years, even since childhood, I have always been somewhat of a leader. My mind spins in a million directions at once. I am constantly churning out one idea after another. Speeches and phrases constantly float around inside my head and often roll off my tongue. From my youth, I have been one to throw out ideas, get the gang fired up, and get the ball rolling. Either my ideas are so stellar, my delivery is so inspiring or my personality is so charismatic that people are immediately entranced or they are all scared to death to offer any opposing ideas. Either way, I get my way - so who cares, right?

On the surface, all of this creativity and leadership business may seem like a gifting of some sort. These talents may reside within, but it is the condition of the heart - the home of the almighty motive - that is the problem. Recently, I ran into this brick wall at work. I was working on a project that was rather illogical, ridiculous and archaic - in my opinion. I threw in my two cents to no avail. I could hold my breath until my face turned blue, but it won't matter. This time I don't get my way. I was amazed at how much that bothered me.

This incident launched an indepth examination of the heart for me. While that exam is still in progress, I have already learned some very valuable things about myself. One is my difficulty with pride and submission. I like to be in control and I want to come out shiny and smellin' good on the other side. And if people want to admire me and rave about how wonderful I am, so be it. The problem is I am supposed to be living my life for God's glory - not mine. Oh yeah, that.

The deeper I delve into this subject, the more God reveals to me. He has shown me how rebellious, self-centered, and stubborn I am. Delayed gratification is a four letter word to me (my checkbook and weight are only a few of the physical manifestations of that one). I admit it. I like to be admired. I love complements. I want my very own pedestal. Man, is that hard to swallow. I look at my dreams and desires for the future, and I question every single one. Do I hope to someday become a writer or have a speaking ministry for God's glory or for mine? How do I expect to be submissive to my husband when I cannot submit to God? What makes me think I can be faithful to a husband when I cannot be faithful to God with my thoughts? The questions go on and on.

As I read Proverbs 31 and sit in awe of this woman, I am intrigued by the end of the chapter. After 17 verses describing what a Superwoman this chick is, verse 28 says her children and husband bless her and praise her. Verse 31 says, "Let her deeds publicly declare her praise." And I wonder how she reconciles her abilities and accomplishments with her heart - is pride not an issue for her? Then I read the end of verse 30, "...a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." Ahh.

I wonder what I have feared more - God or the opinions and acceptance of others? I so long to use the talents and gifts God has given me to enrich the lives of others and to do it all for God's glory. Yet I so often find my own glory getting in the way. I pray that God will give me a spirit of humility and a holy reverent fear of Him. I have been afraid to pray for God to break my pride because I don't particularly relish the idea of what that may involve, but I know it is absolutely necessary. So I ask you to join me in that prayer. Pray it for me. If you struggle with this as well, speak up and we'll pray for you too!

BTW if you see me standing naked on the interstate or witness me somehow being called out in the middle of Sunday morning worship or something worse, please bear with me as you will know God is performing an embalming of sorts on my prideful spirit!