Who do I trust?

My heart is extremely heavy tonight. Through a series of events that have unfolded today, I have come to realize that I have not trusted God with my life.

Have you ever had a feeling way deep down inside, a feeling that something was meant to be or supposed to happen? A feeling that whatever this "thing" is for you was just right. A feeling that won't go away, no matter how much you try to rationalize or deny it. No matter what you try to stuff in its place. It's just there, lying somewhere below your heart - right in the core of your body. If you've ever had the feeling I'm talking about, you'll know exactly what I mean.

Maybe this is the place where your "calling" resides. I don't know. I can't help but wonder if this is like a portal in my soul, the place from which God whispers to me the great mysteries of a life with Him. But sometimes He doesn't give many details (or any details), and I find it difficult to acknowledge that I hear anything because what I do hear scares me.

The thing is, I think that "feeling" can sometimes bring great joy and peace, but other times it can scare you to death. When God calls us to do something, often it will seem so foreign to us. He doesn't let us in on the details. He doesn't always reveal the ending. I didn't realize until today how much I rely on the ending.

So today I've been met with this harsh reality. I think God wants my life to take one direction. But that direction is full of uncertainty, uncharted waters-so to speak. So I came up with my own version of my life and have been pursuing it in vain for many years. Out of fear, I've squelched that little voice inside me. I have decided that my life should go this way or that way. These are the things I know and am comfortable with. I can have my little life and still serve God, right? Wrong. But see, I can do this and this and this for Him. I'm good at this and this, and I can use that to work for Him, right? Maybe-but that's NOT the point. I have been rationalizing my attempt to manipulate God into giving me what I want. I have been trying to hide behind the familiar and chase after something that feels comfortable to me. God hasn't called me to be comfortable.

So I am sad tonight. I am faced with the knowledge that I have to truly let go of the things I have chased over the years. Things that are familiar and comfortable. I love those things. The thought of letting go of them makes me sad (and scares me). If I let them go, I have no control. I have no pre-packaged answers in case God doesn't come through like I think He should. At least these "things" I am clinging to have a face, something tangible I can see and grab on to.

But God wants me to cling only to Him. I do love Him, and I thought I trusted Him. Obviously I have trusted more in myself. I need to make the plunge, let go and jump blindly into the "darkness" where only God is in control. I feel like I am standing in that doorway. I know I need to let go and trust Him, but my hands are clamped onto the door frame. I am sitting in the belly of the whale and have been for years. I think it's time I was vomited up onto the beach.