Can I Get a Witness?

Approximately nine years ago, I applied for a different job with my company. The job would have been a slight promotion with a little higher salary. At the time, all I saw were dollar signs. I completed the application process and interviewed for the job. Much to my dismay, they hired someone else. How dare! I was hurt. Well, mostly my pride was hurt. I couldn't understand why I didn't get this job. God simply said "no" with no further explanation.

Now nine years later, that entire department has been dissolved. The girl who was hired instead of me lost her job. As far as I know, she still has not found another job. Insurance jobs are pretty hard to come by in Montgomery. Looking back, I see now that God was looking out for me. At the time, I couldn't understand why. More money seemed like a good thing. The manager of that department actually became a good friend of mine. I would have done a good job for him. And yet God said "no."

Over the years I worked my way up in my department. I actually now have a job that is a higher pay grade than that one would have ever been. And I still have a job. I am reminded that sometimes God says 'no' even when it hurts our feelings in the moment. But we do not serve a random or petty God. Our God is purposeful. He is training us like ivy. Ivy must be tied to a pole and trained to grow a certain way. Over time, after enough growth has occurred, you can untie the ivy and it will continue to grow in the right direction. His "no's" always have a purpose. We may not see it for years to come, if ever. But rest assured, His restraint is for our benefit.

On being refined

I am getting ready to paint my hallway. At some point in the past the prior owners of my lovely home did a real wiggyjack job on patching a place in the sheet rock. So I've gone in and applied sheet rock mud in an attempt to smooth it out. After the sheet rock mud dries, it has to be sanded. The sanding process creates a lot of fine white dust.

Tonight as I sanded, I started thinking about the process. As the refiner, I am having to do a lot of work to get this stuff smooth. I put a spotlight in the hallway to make sure I could see really well. I am covered in dust and have probably breathed in who knows how much of it. The wall just sat there.

When God is refining me, I often think He is just sitting there doing nothing. I accuse Him of leaving me out in the cold or ignoring me. In fact, the opposite is true. God is the one working on me. He is putting in the elbow grease to smooth out the edges. He is covered with the dust of my refinement (often in the form of my complaints).

I can only imagine how difficult and frustrating it would have been for me if that wall was squirming around, complaining and trying to run away as I sanded. The process would have taken so much longer. Hmmm. Something to think about...

Hangin' with Jesus at the well

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have been studying the book of John lately. The weird thing about this study is that it seems as if I am meeting Jesus for the first time. It's like being back in school where you see this guy in the hallway every day, know where his locker is, know the crowd he runs with - but you only know of that world rather than living in that world. Or maybe it's a movie star, you know the Tiger Beat mini posters you hang all over your room.....and Kirk's favorite color is blue, he likes to swim and his favorite movie is Teen Wolf. Oh my gosh! Mine too. Then one day this intimate stranger steps in your path and asks to carry your books.

It's not that I've never read the book of John before. It's not that I'm not a Christian. It's not that I don't pray or don't have a relationship with God. It's just that lately, for whatever reason, Jesus has come alive in some Princess Bride kind of way. It's gone beyond my Grandpa reading the story to me, and I have stepped into the story as Princess Buttercup.

In studying the book of John, my friends and I have been seeking a lot of information on Biblical culture and traditions of the times. It really will change the entire Biblical experience for you. Words have new meaning. The scriptures dance on the page. I can hear the laughter and dancing, and even smell the grapes as Jesus turned water into wine in Cana. I can hear the flutter of doves wings and coins clinking on the ground as Jesus turns over the tables in temple. But what really gets me is the Samaritan woman at the well.

This woman is me; she is all of us. No, we may not be living in the shadow of 5 ex-husbands and shacking up with a new man. Her sin is irrelevant - her sin symbolizes all of our sin. If we look past the sin, as Jesus did, we see this incredible interaction between her and Jesus. Imagine how hot it must have been, noon and the sun is beating down. You've just hauled this mammoth water jar down to the well. Suddenly, going against all things proper and decent - this man strikes up a convo with you. Can't you just see the compassion in his eyes? I see him walking slowly around the well as we talk. He sips water from a ladle and pours some onto the dusty ground. His friends show up, yet he does not break eye contact with me. He sacrifices all cultural norms along with his very reputation to make a point. Not only that, he camps out there for two days - defiling himself by Jewish standards so that many Samaritans will come to know him.

I am so moved by this story. Again, I am this woman. I am unworthy to be acknowledged by Jesus, yet he throws justice and tradition aside to make me feel loved. He gently teaches me and guides me toward the path of life. Jesus is all about us. The very One that gives us life puts himself on the back burner and focuses on us. His yoke is easy and his burden is light (know what that statement really means?). Loving Jesus and being loved by Him is such a breath of fresh air. Is it really possible that we serve a God who puts us first? Pinch me. This feels like a dream.

My first date with Jesus

This week I have been listening to a lesson series on relationships. The speaker is fantastic, and he fills his lessons with stories and analogies (which are life to me when listening to a sermon). He flips back and forth between discussion of a woman's responsibility vs a man's responsibility. At one point, he spoke of a woman who wasn't under authority. Growing up, she wasn't under her father's authority. She disrespected her husband because she wasn't under his authority. Ultimately, she wasn't under God's authority.

I've never been married, so I can't presume to say what it is like. However, for years I have heard a multitude of Christian women complain about having to be submissive. I've never really known what to think about that. Listening to these ladies, it sounds a little scary to me. But as this pastor explained what it was to live under authority, some of the clouds began to dissipate. Living under authority was directly tied to her husband's treatment of her. As he expounded on the Song of Solomon, this picture of a beautiful man began to emerge - a man who was gentle, loving, complimentary, protecting, sensitive, adoring, and strong (I think I am getting a little bit of a crush on ol' Solomon). I still don't know about this submission debate, but I think I'd like to give it a try if it were with a man like this.

The more I listen to these lessons, the more I begin to realize how I want to be treated and what kind of marriage and husband I want. Then the more I listen, the more hesitant of marriage I become - I've never dated a man like this. I've never been loved this way before. Is it really possible? Do husbands and marriages like this really exist? While I desire to be a wife someday, dare I think that I could have this? It seems so unreal that I am almost afraid to dream of it.

It's funny that I am listening to this lesson series this week. I am also doing a study on the book of John right now. I feel like I am getting to know Jesus in a new way. He is becoming real to me. John lends several insights into the humanity of Jesus. He paints a picture of a real, tangible man with skin on that gets tired and needs to stop for lunch. He is filled with passion and fire. He's strong and athletic, yet compassionate and soft spoken. He values family and friendship. He cares for strangers and speaks his mind. He puts the needs of others ahead of his own needs and reputation. He is nurturing and patient. He's kind and loving. His character, his nature - that IS the husband described in these lessons. That is the man in Song of Solomon. He is the kind of man I would feel safe being in submission to.

I think I have spent a lot of time living on the fence. Calling myself a follower of Jesus, but watching Him out of the corner of my eye. Taking His words under advisement, yet seeking my own map. This picture that has been painted of this dreamy, Biblical husband has helped me understand Jesus. It has helped me see the love He has for me. I don't know if I will ever find this "Song of Solomon love" here on earth, but realizing that I already have it in Jesus completely changes the way I feel about myself as a woman and as a single person. To know that He loves me this way melts away rigidity, fear and apprehension and makes me feel loved, cherished and protected. It gives me the freedom to open myself to Him and what He truly offers as my Savior.

I think I have been living as if Jesus has been my boss. The view I have had of our relationship has been more about what I am doing wrong, how I am falling short - almost as if He is in heaven with one eyebrow raised, arms folded, looking down on me and shaking His head. As I learn more about "Jesus the person" - the human side of Jesus, I realize I have only been seeing the God side of Jesus (which can be quite intimidating). But the human side of Jesus is helping me better understand the God side of Jesus. And looking at Him in light of a healthy relationship - one that is about love, selflessness, sacrifice, nurturing, kindness, authenticity, protection and friendship - it makes me feel like I just got home from my first date...

Breaker 1-9. Anyone out there got your ears on?

I am writing this blog because I told someone I would (I am actually a week late...sorry, dude). I really do hope to once again become a regular blogger again some day. It seems I've been a little irregular as of late, and we all know how that can back up on you.

My life has been somewhat of a whirlwind lately. Some days I feel as if I am standing in the eye of a tornado watching everything swirl and spin around me. Oddly enough, I don't really feel overwhelmed anymore. I truly feel the calmness of the eye of the storm. I'd like to pen some flowery blog about how that's the peace of God, but honestly I think it is either shock or numbness.

I have this weird way of reacting to extreme stress. I become eerily calm and quiet. It's as if I slip into a trance. I don't know if that's good or bad. But ask those who know me well, it is kind of creepy. That's how others can tell I have exceeded my limit and must be experiencing sensory overload. Personally, I kind of enjoy it. The swirling, screaming, craziness seems to drift off into the background somewhere and I feel a little like, "Ooh, look at the pretty colors."

I actually perform fairly well under a certain amount of stress. I kind of thrive on a little chaos. But every psychotic has their limit, right? Anyway - lately I have been teetering between working chaos and that euphoric state of oblivion (no - I'm not on drugs). Last night I crawled into bed and slept amidst a pile of laundry that needed folding. So again, I guess my state of catatonia can be good and bad.

I suppose this is the part where I am supposed to lay down some profound insight I have received from all of this, but honestly, I am having trouble connecting the dots lately. And random things will pop into my mind at the strangest of times. I have a friend at work that specializes in making me laugh. I don't know why he strikes me as so hilarious - but right now, talking to him is one of the very few things at work that keeps me sane. Unfortunately, I find him popping into my head the most inopportune times. The other day I was in the middle of traffic and just burst out laughing hysterically. The more I laughed, the more looks I got, which in turn sparked more laughter. I'm sure people wondered what hospital I escaped from.

I am "leading" a Bible study on the book of John right now. Our study is a format unlike any other I've ever done before. We are simply digging in the Word, no workbooks or outside studies to guide us. Everyone brings their dictionaries, commentaries, various Bible translations, handbooks, Greek, anything we can find. So far I've learned that I know nothing about the Bible and that John's gospel is all out of order when compared to the other 3. One theme I have been able to pick up on, however, it that it all points to Jesus. No credit for self - Jesus must become more, I must become less. He came before me and will come after me. He is higher than me. He is greater than me. Everything I do should point to Him.

So, I guess in the midst of my craziness, the question I need to be asking myself is - does all my busyness, my "to do" list, my stress, my reactions, my priorities, even the amount of sleep I get - does it show Jesus to those around me? Is it about me or about Him? Because in reality - even Jesus existed to point others to God. Even He wasn't all about himself.