Twice this week I have driven home from work in the rain. I don't mean a drizzle kind of rain, I mean a real meat and potatoes, fat man kind of rain. I joined my fellow Americans in fleeing like cockroaches from sunlight, just trying to get home and get out of the wet.
As I drove through my neighborhood on one of those days, I saw a young girl standing out on the sidewalk in front of her house. She stood there watching traffic go by with a look of complete amusement and mischief. I'm sure she relished all the strange looks she got by grumpy adults that sped by. I too was taken aback when I noticed her, and I'm sure my surprise registered on my face.
When I passed her house, I watched her in my rear view mirror. She raised her arms toward heaven and began to twirl and dance. The rain washing over her and splashing on her face. I was transported back to my own childhood when I used to play in the rain. What a time of carefree joy.
I think we all need to spend more time out in the rain twirling and dancing. We take life way to seriously some times.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Blood Suckers
I just killed a mosquito. There he sat, loosening the little buckle on his tiny little pants, getting ready to kick back and take a nap after filling his belly. Just picture his little feet crossed and his eyelids getting heavy as he lets out a little sigh of satisfaction.
**SQUISH!!**
Don't feel sorry for him. That little leech just invaded my privacy. He violated me and stole my very life force without even so much as a warning. At least the Red Cross has the decency to call you every 3 minutes to beg and plead before they drain your veins.
To make matters worse, when I squished him - he had the audacity to squirt my own blood all over my desk. That little glutton took advantage of me, then left a mess for me to clean up. Not to mention that I will be scratching my elbow all night where he dug his little fangs in for a nice big gulp.
People can be sort of like mosquitoes sometimes. I think everyone I know has had a "mosquito" in their life at some point or another. Well - for all of you mosquito victims out there, I will plant a tiny flag of victory tonight (metaphorically speaking, of course).
**SQUISH!!**
Don't feel sorry for him. That little leech just invaded my privacy. He violated me and stole my very life force without even so much as a warning. At least the Red Cross has the decency to call you every 3 minutes to beg and plead before they drain your veins.
To make matters worse, when I squished him - he had the audacity to squirt my own blood all over my desk. That little glutton took advantage of me, then left a mess for me to clean up. Not to mention that I will be scratching my elbow all night where he dug his little fangs in for a nice big gulp.
People can be sort of like mosquitoes sometimes. I think everyone I know has had a "mosquito" in their life at some point or another. Well - for all of you mosquito victims out there, I will plant a tiny flag of victory tonight (metaphorically speaking, of course).
Call me Franky
Well, a lot has transpired since my last post. Let's see...I put my house on the market on July 11. It sold on July 12, and I have to be out by August 3rd. I put my house hunting into high gear and also found a house that I love. So I will sell my house at 9:30 and buy one at 10:30 this Friday.
Last week I was leaving my parents house and just as I got to the car, I stepped off the curb wrong and sprained my ankle. As I lay in the street on my back like a dead bug, my mom was running back and forth from the car to the house. I asked her to gather all of my belongings (that also when scattering into the street the same time I did) and take them back inside. I had already loaded the pup in the car, so she had to get him back in the house. By then I was able to stop writhing in pain long enough to hop back inside.
I went to the doctor yesterday since my foot still looks like an inflated latex glove. He mashed and poked on it as all good doctors do (I wonder if they have Mashing 101 and Poking & Prodding 201 in med school). I was fine with the mashing until he took to twisting. Twice I almost stood on my eyelashes when he janked it too far to one side. Ultimately that landed me three weeks in physical therapy - oh, and I am now wearing a gigantic frankenstein boot. The boot is actually pretty awesome. It's super comfy and the sole of it is curved like a rocking chair. So it's pretty cool to walk and stand in. If only I had a matching pair...
I start PT tomorrow. I'm sure they will want me to scratch the back of my neck with my third toe or try to lift a boulder with one foot. If luck holds true to form, my therapist will be a close relative of Agatha Trunchbull (the principal from Matilda).
One of the girls at work has started calling me Criptonite. I can't imagine why. Well, at least I haven't set myself on fire lately...
Last week I was leaving my parents house and just as I got to the car, I stepped off the curb wrong and sprained my ankle. As I lay in the street on my back like a dead bug, my mom was running back and forth from the car to the house. I asked her to gather all of my belongings (that also when scattering into the street the same time I did) and take them back inside. I had already loaded the pup in the car, so she had to get him back in the house. By then I was able to stop writhing in pain long enough to hop back inside.
I went to the doctor yesterday since my foot still looks like an inflated latex glove. He mashed and poked on it as all good doctors do (I wonder if they have Mashing 101 and Poking & Prodding 201 in med school). I was fine with the mashing until he took to twisting. Twice I almost stood on my eyelashes when he janked it too far to one side. Ultimately that landed me three weeks in physical therapy - oh, and I am now wearing a gigantic frankenstein boot. The boot is actually pretty awesome. It's super comfy and the sole of it is curved like a rocking chair. So it's pretty cool to walk and stand in. If only I had a matching pair...
I start PT tomorrow. I'm sure they will want me to scratch the back of my neck with my third toe or try to lift a boulder with one foot. If luck holds true to form, my therapist will be a close relative of Agatha Trunchbull (the principal from Matilda).
One of the girls at work has started calling me Criptonite. I can't imagine why. Well, at least I haven't set myself on fire lately...
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Procrastination
I'm not sure why I am writing this post. I should be either sleeping or cleaning or painting or packing or something. Why is it that some of us completely shut down when faced with a gargantuan task? I've noticed other people around me that rise to the challenge of a huge task. They work hard, pace themselves, and seem to exist on a never ending stream of enthusiasm. Then there's me. I stand back, look at the task at hand, analyze it from all sides, measure it up good, plan various ways to approach it, then go off and watch TV, write, draw, read, surf the net, paint my toenails or play with my dog. When the task at hand isn't something that particularly excites me, it feels as though cement is coursing through my veins. It's all I can do to step beyond procrastination and actually get to work.
I am getting ready to sell my house. My parents and one of my best friends have been helping me paint and do various other fix-up's around my place. I knew that I would never get the thing listed if I didn't put myself on a deadline. So I set a time goal and made an appointment with my realtor. That motivated my mom - she works like the Energizer Bunny. All I can think is, "Geez, mom. We've been doing this for 30 minutes now. Can't we stop and take a break. Let's chew our food really slow at lunch so we can sit here longer." Yet she keeps right on working. Since I can't have my own mother working like a dog in my own house, I feel compelled to get in there right beside her.
I think that's why God put us together. "Us" as Christians, I mean. I guess He knew the scattered and lazy lot of us would be laying in a ditch somewhere were it not for the consistently motivated among us. So, my energetic brethren (and sistren), I raise my glass to you. Thank you for inspiring the ADD, frantic, tardy and often unorganized. I know it may seem that we are oblivious to your dedication, yet I assure you - we are not. While we may be flying in on a dime everywhere we go, we secretly long for that peaceful pace at which you seem to live. That ever illusive "togetherness" that is always just beyond our grasp. Thank you for your patience as we blow in like a tornado with 10 teacups spinning in sticks. God knew we needed you.
I am getting ready to sell my house. My parents and one of my best friends have been helping me paint and do various other fix-up's around my place. I knew that I would never get the thing listed if I didn't put myself on a deadline. So I set a time goal and made an appointment with my realtor. That motivated my mom - she works like the Energizer Bunny. All I can think is, "Geez, mom. We've been doing this for 30 minutes now. Can't we stop and take a break. Let's chew our food really slow at lunch so we can sit here longer." Yet she keeps right on working. Since I can't have my own mother working like a dog in my own house, I feel compelled to get in there right beside her.
I think that's why God put us together. "Us" as Christians, I mean. I guess He knew the scattered and lazy lot of us would be laying in a ditch somewhere were it not for the consistently motivated among us. So, my energetic brethren (and sistren), I raise my glass to you. Thank you for inspiring the ADD, frantic, tardy and often unorganized. I know it may seem that we are oblivious to your dedication, yet I assure you - we are not. While we may be flying in on a dime everywhere we go, we secretly long for that peaceful pace at which you seem to live. That ever illusive "togetherness" that is always just beyond our grasp. Thank you for your patience as we blow in like a tornado with 10 teacups spinning in sticks. God knew we needed you.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Can I Get a Witness?
Approximately nine years ago, I applied for a different job with my company. The job would have been a slight promotion with a little higher salary. At the time, all I saw were dollar signs. I completed the application process and interviewed for the job. Much to my dismay, they hired someone else. How dare! I was hurt. Well, mostly my pride was hurt. I couldn't understand why I didn't get this job. God simply said "no" with no further explanation.
Now nine years later, that entire department has been dissolved. The girl who was hired instead of me lost her job. As far as I know, she still has not found another job. Insurance jobs are pretty hard to come by in Montgomery. Looking back, I see now that God was looking out for me. At the time, I couldn't understand why. More money seemed like a good thing. The manager of that department actually became a good friend of mine. I would have done a good job for him. And yet God said "no."
Over the years I worked my way up in my department. I actually now have a job that is a higher pay grade than that one would have ever been. And I still have a job. I am reminded that sometimes God says 'no' even when it hurts our feelings in the moment. But we do not serve a random or petty God. Our God is purposeful. He is training us like ivy. Ivy must be tied to a pole and trained to grow a certain way. Over time, after enough growth has occurred, you can untie the ivy and it will continue to grow in the right direction. His "no's" always have a purpose. We may not see it for years to come, if ever. But rest assured, His restraint is for our benefit.
Now nine years later, that entire department has been dissolved. The girl who was hired instead of me lost her job. As far as I know, she still has not found another job. Insurance jobs are pretty hard to come by in Montgomery. Looking back, I see now that God was looking out for me. At the time, I couldn't understand why. More money seemed like a good thing. The manager of that department actually became a good friend of mine. I would have done a good job for him. And yet God said "no."
Over the years I worked my way up in my department. I actually now have a job that is a higher pay grade than that one would have ever been. And I still have a job. I am reminded that sometimes God says 'no' even when it hurts our feelings in the moment. But we do not serve a random or petty God. Our God is purposeful. He is training us like ivy. Ivy must be tied to a pole and trained to grow a certain way. Over time, after enough growth has occurred, you can untie the ivy and it will continue to grow in the right direction. His "no's" always have a purpose. We may not see it for years to come, if ever. But rest assured, His restraint is for our benefit.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
On being refined
I am getting ready to paint my hallway. At some point in the past the prior owners of my lovely home did a real wiggyjack job on patching a place in the sheet rock. So I've gone in and applied sheet rock mud in an attempt to smooth it out. After the sheet rock mud dries, it has to be sanded. The sanding process creates a lot of fine white dust.
Tonight as I sanded, I started thinking about the process. As the refiner, I am having to do a lot of work to get this stuff smooth. I put a spotlight in the hallway to make sure I could see really well. I am covered in dust and have probably breathed in who knows how much of it. The wall just sat there.
When God is refining me, I often think He is just sitting there doing nothing. I accuse Him of leaving me out in the cold or ignoring me. In fact, the opposite is true. God is the one working on me. He is putting in the elbow grease to smooth out the edges. He is covered with the dust of my refinement (often in the form of my complaints).
I can only imagine how difficult and frustrating it would have been for me if that wall was squirming around, complaining and trying to run away as I sanded. The process would have taken so much longer. Hmmm. Something to think about...
Tonight as I sanded, I started thinking about the process. As the refiner, I am having to do a lot of work to get this stuff smooth. I put a spotlight in the hallway to make sure I could see really well. I am covered in dust and have probably breathed in who knows how much of it. The wall just sat there.
When God is refining me, I often think He is just sitting there doing nothing. I accuse Him of leaving me out in the cold or ignoring me. In fact, the opposite is true. God is the one working on me. He is putting in the elbow grease to smooth out the edges. He is covered with the dust of my refinement (often in the form of my complaints).
I can only imagine how difficult and frustrating it would have been for me if that wall was squirming around, complaining and trying to run away as I sanded. The process would have taken so much longer. Hmmm. Something to think about...
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Hangin' with Jesus at the well
As I mentioned in my previous post, I have been studying the book of John lately. The weird thing about this study is that it seems as if I am meeting Jesus for the first time. It's like being back in school where you see this guy in the hallway every day, know where his locker is, know the crowd he runs with - but you only know of that world rather than living in that world. Or maybe it's a movie star, you know the Tiger Beat mini posters you hang all over your room.....and Kirk's favorite color is blue, he likes to swim and his favorite movie is Teen Wolf. Oh my gosh! Mine too. Then one day this intimate stranger steps in your path and asks to carry your books.
It's not that I've never read the book of John before. It's not that I'm not a Christian. It's not that I don't pray or don't have a relationship with God. It's just that lately, for whatever reason, Jesus has come alive in some Princess Bride kind of way. It's gone beyond my Grandpa reading the story to me, and I have stepped into the story as Princess Buttercup.
In studying the book of John, my friends and I have been seeking a lot of information on Biblical culture and traditions of the times. It really will change the entire Biblical experience for you. Words have new meaning. The scriptures dance on the page. I can hear the laughter and dancing, and even smell the grapes as Jesus turned water into wine in Cana. I can hear the flutter of doves wings and coins clinking on the ground as Jesus turns over the tables in temple. But what really gets me is the Samaritan woman at the well.
This woman is me; she is all of us. No, we may not be living in the shadow of 5 ex-husbands and shacking up with a new man. Her sin is irrelevant - her sin symbolizes all of our sin. If we look past the sin, as Jesus did, we see this incredible interaction between her and Jesus. Imagine how hot it must have been, noon and the sun is beating down. You've just hauled this mammoth water jar down to the well. Suddenly, going against all things proper and decent - this man strikes up a convo with you. Can't you just see the compassion in his eyes? I see him walking slowly around the well as we talk. He sips water from a ladle and pours some onto the dusty ground. His friends show up, yet he does not break eye contact with me. He sacrifices all cultural norms along with his very reputation to make a point. Not only that, he camps out there for two days - defiling himself by Jewish standards so that many Samaritans will come to know him.
I am so moved by this story. Again, I am this woman. I am unworthy to be acknowledged by Jesus, yet he throws justice and tradition aside to make me feel loved. He gently teaches me and guides me toward the path of life. Jesus is all about us. The very One that gives us life puts himself on the back burner and focuses on us. His yoke is easy and his burden is light (know what that statement really means?). Loving Jesus and being loved by Him is such a breath of fresh air. Is it really possible that we serve a God who puts us first? Pinch me. This feels like a dream.
It's not that I've never read the book of John before. It's not that I'm not a Christian. It's not that I don't pray or don't have a relationship with God. It's just that lately, for whatever reason, Jesus has come alive in some Princess Bride kind of way. It's gone beyond my Grandpa reading the story to me, and I have stepped into the story as Princess Buttercup.
In studying the book of John, my friends and I have been seeking a lot of information on Biblical culture and traditions of the times. It really will change the entire Biblical experience for you. Words have new meaning. The scriptures dance on the page. I can hear the laughter and dancing, and even smell the grapes as Jesus turned water into wine in Cana. I can hear the flutter of doves wings and coins clinking on the ground as Jesus turns over the tables in temple. But what really gets me is the Samaritan woman at the well.
This woman is me; she is all of us. No, we may not be living in the shadow of 5 ex-husbands and shacking up with a new man. Her sin is irrelevant - her sin symbolizes all of our sin. If we look past the sin, as Jesus did, we see this incredible interaction between her and Jesus. Imagine how hot it must have been, noon and the sun is beating down. You've just hauled this mammoth water jar down to the well. Suddenly, going against all things proper and decent - this man strikes up a convo with you. Can't you just see the compassion in his eyes? I see him walking slowly around the well as we talk. He sips water from a ladle and pours some onto the dusty ground. His friends show up, yet he does not break eye contact with me. He sacrifices all cultural norms along with his very reputation to make a point. Not only that, he camps out there for two days - defiling himself by Jewish standards so that many Samaritans will come to know him.
I am so moved by this story. Again, I am this woman. I am unworthy to be acknowledged by Jesus, yet he throws justice and tradition aside to make me feel loved. He gently teaches me and guides me toward the path of life. Jesus is all about us. The very One that gives us life puts himself on the back burner and focuses on us. His yoke is easy and his burden is light (know what that statement really means?). Loving Jesus and being loved by Him is such a breath of fresh air. Is it really possible that we serve a God who puts us first? Pinch me. This feels like a dream.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
My first date with Jesus
This week I have been listening to a lesson series on relationships. The speaker is fantastic, and he fills his lessons with stories and analogies (which are life to me when listening to a sermon). He flips back and forth between discussion of a woman's responsibility vs a man's responsibility. At one point, he spoke of a woman who wasn't under authority. Growing up, she wasn't under her father's authority. She disrespected her husband because she wasn't under his authority. Ultimately, she wasn't under God's authority.
I've never been married, so I can't presume to say what it is like. However, for years I have heard a multitude of Christian women complain about having to be submissive. I've never really known what to think about that. Listening to these ladies, it sounds a little scary to me. But as this pastor explained what it was to live under authority, some of the clouds began to dissipate. Living under authority was directly tied to her husband's treatment of her. As he expounded on the Song of Solomon, this picture of a beautiful man began to emerge - a man who was gentle, loving, complimentary, protecting, sensitive, adoring, and strong (I think I am getting a little bit of a crush on ol' Solomon). I still don't know about this submission debate, but I think I'd like to give it a try if it were with a man like this.
The more I listen to these lessons, the more I begin to realize how I want to be treated and what kind of marriage and husband I want. Then the more I listen, the more hesitant of marriage I become - I've never dated a man like this. I've never been loved this way before. Is it really possible? Do husbands and marriages like this really exist? While I desire to be a wife someday, dare I think that I could have this? It seems so unreal that I am almost afraid to dream of it.
It's funny that I am listening to this lesson series this week. I am also doing a study on the book of John right now. I feel like I am getting to know Jesus in a new way. He is becoming real to me. John lends several insights into the humanity of Jesus. He paints a picture of a real, tangible man with skin on that gets tired and needs to stop for lunch. He is filled with passion and fire. He's strong and athletic, yet compassionate and soft spoken. He values family and friendship. He cares for strangers and speaks his mind. He puts the needs of others ahead of his own needs and reputation. He is nurturing and patient. He's kind and loving. His character, his nature - that IS the husband described in these lessons. That is the man in Song of Solomon. He is the kind of man I would feel safe being in submission to.
I think I have spent a lot of time living on the fence. Calling myself a follower of Jesus, but watching Him out of the corner of my eye. Taking His words under advisement, yet seeking my own map. This picture that has been painted of this dreamy, Biblical husband has helped me understand Jesus. It has helped me see the love He has for me. I don't know if I will ever find this "Song of Solomon love" here on earth, but realizing that I already have it in Jesus completely changes the way I feel about myself as a woman and as a single person. To know that He loves me this way melts away rigidity, fear and apprehension and makes me feel loved, cherished and protected. It gives me the freedom to open myself to Him and what He truly offers as my Savior.
I think I have been living as if Jesus has been my boss. The view I have had of our relationship has been more about what I am doing wrong, how I am falling short - almost as if He is in heaven with one eyebrow raised, arms folded, looking down on me and shaking His head. As I learn more about "Jesus the person" - the human side of Jesus, I realize I have only been seeing the God side of Jesus (which can be quite intimidating). But the human side of Jesus is helping me better understand the God side of Jesus. And looking at Him in light of a healthy relationship - one that is about love, selflessness, sacrifice, nurturing, kindness, authenticity, protection and friendship - it makes me feel like I just got home from my first date...
I've never been married, so I can't presume to say what it is like. However, for years I have heard a multitude of Christian women complain about having to be submissive. I've never really known what to think about that. Listening to these ladies, it sounds a little scary to me. But as this pastor explained what it was to live under authority, some of the clouds began to dissipate. Living under authority was directly tied to her husband's treatment of her. As he expounded on the Song of Solomon, this picture of a beautiful man began to emerge - a man who was gentle, loving, complimentary, protecting, sensitive, adoring, and strong (I think I am getting a little bit of a crush on ol' Solomon). I still don't know about this submission debate, but I think I'd like to give it a try if it were with a man like this.
The more I listen to these lessons, the more I begin to realize how I want to be treated and what kind of marriage and husband I want. Then the more I listen, the more hesitant of marriage I become - I've never dated a man like this. I've never been loved this way before. Is it really possible? Do husbands and marriages like this really exist? While I desire to be a wife someday, dare I think that I could have this? It seems so unreal that I am almost afraid to dream of it.
It's funny that I am listening to this lesson series this week. I am also doing a study on the book of John right now. I feel like I am getting to know Jesus in a new way. He is becoming real to me. John lends several insights into the humanity of Jesus. He paints a picture of a real, tangible man with skin on that gets tired and needs to stop for lunch. He is filled with passion and fire. He's strong and athletic, yet compassionate and soft spoken. He values family and friendship. He cares for strangers and speaks his mind. He puts the needs of others ahead of his own needs and reputation. He is nurturing and patient. He's kind and loving. His character, his nature - that IS the husband described in these lessons. That is the man in Song of Solomon. He is the kind of man I would feel safe being in submission to.
I think I have spent a lot of time living on the fence. Calling myself a follower of Jesus, but watching Him out of the corner of my eye. Taking His words under advisement, yet seeking my own map. This picture that has been painted of this dreamy, Biblical husband has helped me understand Jesus. It has helped me see the love He has for me. I don't know if I will ever find this "Song of Solomon love" here on earth, but realizing that I already have it in Jesus completely changes the way I feel about myself as a woman and as a single person. To know that He loves me this way melts away rigidity, fear and apprehension and makes me feel loved, cherished and protected. It gives me the freedom to open myself to Him and what He truly offers as my Savior.
I think I have been living as if Jesus has been my boss. The view I have had of our relationship has been more about what I am doing wrong, how I am falling short - almost as if He is in heaven with one eyebrow raised, arms folded, looking down on me and shaking His head. As I learn more about "Jesus the person" - the human side of Jesus, I realize I have only been seeing the God side of Jesus (which can be quite intimidating). But the human side of Jesus is helping me better understand the God side of Jesus. And looking at Him in light of a healthy relationship - one that is about love, selflessness, sacrifice, nurturing, kindness, authenticity, protection and friendship - it makes me feel like I just got home from my first date...
Monday, June 04, 2007
Breaker 1-9. Anyone out there got your ears on?
I am writing this blog because I told someone I would (I am actually a week late...sorry, dude). I really do hope to once again become a regular blogger again some day. It seems I've been a little irregular as of late, and we all know how that can back up on you.
My life has been somewhat of a whirlwind lately. Some days I feel as if I am standing in the eye of a tornado watching everything swirl and spin around me. Oddly enough, I don't really feel overwhelmed anymore. I truly feel the calmness of the eye of the storm. I'd like to pen some flowery blog about how that's the peace of God, but honestly I think it is either shock or numbness.
I have this weird way of reacting to extreme stress. I become eerily calm and quiet. It's as if I slip into a trance. I don't know if that's good or bad. But ask those who know me well, it is kind of creepy. That's how others can tell I have exceeded my limit and must be experiencing sensory overload. Personally, I kind of enjoy it. The swirling, screaming, craziness seems to drift off into the background somewhere and I feel a little like, "Ooh, look at the pretty colors."
I actually perform fairly well under a certain amount of stress. I kind of thrive on a little chaos. But every psychotic has their limit, right? Anyway - lately I have been teetering between working chaos and that euphoric state of oblivion (no - I'm not on drugs). Last night I crawled into bed and slept amidst a pile of laundry that needed folding. So again, I guess my state of catatonia can be good and bad.
I suppose this is the part where I am supposed to lay down some profound insight I have received from all of this, but honestly, I am having trouble connecting the dots lately. And random things will pop into my mind at the strangest of times. I have a friend at work that specializes in making me laugh. I don't know why he strikes me as so hilarious - but right now, talking to him is one of the very few things at work that keeps me sane. Unfortunately, I find him popping into my head the most inopportune times. The other day I was in the middle of traffic and just burst out laughing hysterically. The more I laughed, the more looks I got, which in turn sparked more laughter. I'm sure people wondered what hospital I escaped from.
I am "leading" a Bible study on the book of John right now. Our study is a format unlike any other I've ever done before. We are simply digging in the Word, no workbooks or outside studies to guide us. Everyone brings their dictionaries, commentaries, various Bible translations, handbooks, Greek, anything we can find. So far I've learned that I know nothing about the Bible and that John's gospel is all out of order when compared to the other 3. One theme I have been able to pick up on, however, it that it all points to Jesus. No credit for self - Jesus must become more, I must become less. He came before me and will come after me. He is higher than me. He is greater than me. Everything I do should point to Him.
So, I guess in the midst of my craziness, the question I need to be asking myself is - does all my busyness, my "to do" list, my stress, my reactions, my priorities, even the amount of sleep I get - does it show Jesus to those around me? Is it about me or about Him? Because in reality - even Jesus existed to point others to God. Even He wasn't all about himself.
My life has been somewhat of a whirlwind lately. Some days I feel as if I am standing in the eye of a tornado watching everything swirl and spin around me. Oddly enough, I don't really feel overwhelmed anymore. I truly feel the calmness of the eye of the storm. I'd like to pen some flowery blog about how that's the peace of God, but honestly I think it is either shock or numbness.
I have this weird way of reacting to extreme stress. I become eerily calm and quiet. It's as if I slip into a trance. I don't know if that's good or bad. But ask those who know me well, it is kind of creepy. That's how others can tell I have exceeded my limit and must be experiencing sensory overload. Personally, I kind of enjoy it. The swirling, screaming, craziness seems to drift off into the background somewhere and I feel a little like, "Ooh, look at the pretty colors."
I actually perform fairly well under a certain amount of stress. I kind of thrive on a little chaos. But every psychotic has their limit, right? Anyway - lately I have been teetering between working chaos and that euphoric state of oblivion (no - I'm not on drugs). Last night I crawled into bed and slept amidst a pile of laundry that needed folding. So again, I guess my state of catatonia can be good and bad.
I suppose this is the part where I am supposed to lay down some profound insight I have received from all of this, but honestly, I am having trouble connecting the dots lately. And random things will pop into my mind at the strangest of times. I have a friend at work that specializes in making me laugh. I don't know why he strikes me as so hilarious - but right now, talking to him is one of the very few things at work that keeps me sane. Unfortunately, I find him popping into my head the most inopportune times. The other day I was in the middle of traffic and just burst out laughing hysterically. The more I laughed, the more looks I got, which in turn sparked more laughter. I'm sure people wondered what hospital I escaped from.
I am "leading" a Bible study on the book of John right now. Our study is a format unlike any other I've ever done before. We are simply digging in the Word, no workbooks or outside studies to guide us. Everyone brings their dictionaries, commentaries, various Bible translations, handbooks, Greek, anything we can find. So far I've learned that I know nothing about the Bible and that John's gospel is all out of order when compared to the other 3. One theme I have been able to pick up on, however, it that it all points to Jesus. No credit for self - Jesus must become more, I must become less. He came before me and will come after me. He is higher than me. He is greater than me. Everything I do should point to Him.
So, I guess in the midst of my craziness, the question I need to be asking myself is - does all my busyness, my "to do" list, my stress, my reactions, my priorities, even the amount of sleep I get - does it show Jesus to those around me? Is it about me or about Him? Because in reality - even Jesus existed to point others to God. Even He wasn't all about himself.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Return from the coast
Yes, I'm still alive. I just returned from a 7 day adventure of my own making. I took a road trip with my cousin, Daniel. We went on a photography excursion. Part of our trip landed us on 6 different beaches along the Gulf. We also visited some of Forest Gump's old stomping grounds in Bayou La Batre. We wandered around the ship yards taking pictures of shrimp boats and other things.
In case you are wondering, there is only one hotel on Dauphin Island, and they have no ice, soap or shampoo. There is, however, one place on the entire island that stays open past 8pm, and that is the Circle K c-store. Drop by and give Mary a visit. She will hook you up with whatever you need. Everyone else will be down at the pier doing some night fishing.
I met a guy on the ferry between Dauphin Island and Gulf Shores. No thanks to him, I now have camera envy and the itch to expand my photog equipment collection... When he handed me his camera to take a few shots, the thought did cross my mind to jump overboard and try to swim ashore without getting it wet. But alas, I had to give it back. You can check out his work at www.pbase.com/smms. He is a great photographer.
OK, Atchison - this one is for you. Here is the pinnacle highlight of my trip. Those of you who've never heard of my "stories" please turn away. I don't want you to see me like this. Here goes. We were driving along some nice little highway, right along the coast. I decided we needed to head over to Perdido Beach and proceeded to give directions to Daniel. I was using a real bonafide map... After several long moments had passed and we had seen our 27th pale pink high-rise condo, Daniel began to protest that we were not going to Perdido, but instead had entered Florida. I confidently objected that the road we were on would be turning soon and we would indeed find ourselves in Perdido. After all, my map showed the road as plain as day snaking its way around, right into Perdido. After several intense moments of bantering about our location, I finally had to concede that we were, in fact, in Florida. I was baffled. How could we have so clearly missed this major road that was so prominently displayed on my map? Uhh - I am amazed that I am about to admit this...my "road" was actually the state line dividing Alabama and Florida. Yes, sad but true. I am officially retarded. Thanks to my wiggyjack map reading skills, I am no longer allowed to be in charge of trip navigation.
To make matters worse, I enjoyed the sun so much that I refused to ride with my window rolled up. Therefore, I spent the entire trip with half of my body hanging out the window - soaking up the sun and breeze. Consequently, I am now two-toned and striped. Call me the anti-redneck. Due to the camera being hung around my neck, I also have a white stripe back there. One arm is bright red. Oh, who cares. I enjoyed every minute of it and can't wait to go back.
I actually have some more serious posts coming, but need more time to gather my thoughts. I'll update in a few days. Meanwhile, aloha. Gee, I wish I were on "island time" again...
In case you are wondering, there is only one hotel on Dauphin Island, and they have no ice, soap or shampoo. There is, however, one place on the entire island that stays open past 8pm, and that is the Circle K c-store. Drop by and give Mary a visit. She will hook you up with whatever you need. Everyone else will be down at the pier doing some night fishing.
I met a guy on the ferry between Dauphin Island and Gulf Shores. No thanks to him, I now have camera envy and the itch to expand my photog equipment collection... When he handed me his camera to take a few shots, the thought did cross my mind to jump overboard and try to swim ashore without getting it wet. But alas, I had to give it back. You can check out his work at www.pbase.com/smms. He is a great photographer.
OK, Atchison - this one is for you. Here is the pinnacle highlight of my trip. Those of you who've never heard of my "stories" please turn away. I don't want you to see me like this. Here goes. We were driving along some nice little highway, right along the coast. I decided we needed to head over to Perdido Beach and proceeded to give directions to Daniel. I was using a real bonafide map... After several long moments had passed and we had seen our 27th pale pink high-rise condo, Daniel began to protest that we were not going to Perdido, but instead had entered Florida. I confidently objected that the road we were on would be turning soon and we would indeed find ourselves in Perdido. After all, my map showed the road as plain as day snaking its way around, right into Perdido. After several intense moments of bantering about our location, I finally had to concede that we were, in fact, in Florida. I was baffled. How could we have so clearly missed this major road that was so prominently displayed on my map? Uhh - I am amazed that I am about to admit this...my "road" was actually the state line dividing Alabama and Florida. Yes, sad but true. I am officially retarded. Thanks to my wiggyjack map reading skills, I am no longer allowed to be in charge of trip navigation.
To make matters worse, I enjoyed the sun so much that I refused to ride with my window rolled up. Therefore, I spent the entire trip with half of my body hanging out the window - soaking up the sun and breeze. Consequently, I am now two-toned and striped. Call me the anti-redneck. Due to the camera being hung around my neck, I also have a white stripe back there. One arm is bright red. Oh, who cares. I enjoyed every minute of it and can't wait to go back.
I actually have some more serious posts coming, but need more time to gather my thoughts. I'll update in a few days. Meanwhile, aloha. Gee, I wish I were on "island time" again...
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
God and the opossum
The other night my dog got into a fight with something under the deck in my backyard. I think it was a opossum, but I'm not totally sure. The whole event was a huge dramatic fiasco. I was frantic, trying to hold back tears and hysteria. I couldn't get Cooper (my dog) to come out from under the deck. I was worried that the evil beast that lurked below would actually kill him. I called my dad and my friend, Lisa. They both, of course, came to my aid. All in all, we had a happy ending. After spraying the hose on the battling duo, we finally managed to coax Cooper back from the jaws of death. He was covered in mud. I was covered in mud. Everything was covered in mud. My tub was covered in mud. It was a groady, nasty mess, but we are all alive and well.
As I replay those moments in my mind, I recall that sick feeling I had in my gut. That frantic state of panic mingled with helplessness that overwhelmed my senses. It reminded me of the very same sick feeling I've had when I have witnessed friends make a choice to live in sin. On a couple of occasions I have had people very close to me make decisions to purposefully engage in ravenous sinful behavior. The exhausting conversations pleading with them to reconsider will be burned onto my heart forever.
It is so painful to sit back and watch someone you love walk into the darkness of sin. Knowing there is nothing you can do, yet dying inside to stop them. And I remember that sick feeling I always get when those situations arise. I wonder how many times God feels that way about His children. How many times have we danced around the flames of sin, squealing with glee as the fire tickles our ankles.
Sometimes it's hard for me to imagine God having real emotion toward me. Despite the numerous examples in scripture that so vividly display the emotions of God spilling out over the earth like a flooded coffee mug, I sometimes fail to make that connection personally. Yet I look at the cross and know that His gut wrenches and His heart aches for each of us. He sees me and you, and He smiles on us and agonizes over us. His heart beats for us like ours do when our loved ones make us proud and when they break our hearts.
One thing I love about God is the way He speaks. I am amazed and often amused when I see His face peeking into my day and using some of the most off the wall stuff to teach me. This time He used a opossum to remind me how connected He is to each of us - how real, involved, attentive and emotional He is in each of our lives. What an awesome, amazing, fun, adventurous, patient, creative, passionate, generous, powerful and loving God we serve!
As I replay those moments in my mind, I recall that sick feeling I had in my gut. That frantic state of panic mingled with helplessness that overwhelmed my senses. It reminded me of the very same sick feeling I've had when I have witnessed friends make a choice to live in sin. On a couple of occasions I have had people very close to me make decisions to purposefully engage in ravenous sinful behavior. The exhausting conversations pleading with them to reconsider will be burned onto my heart forever.
It is so painful to sit back and watch someone you love walk into the darkness of sin. Knowing there is nothing you can do, yet dying inside to stop them. And I remember that sick feeling I always get when those situations arise. I wonder how many times God feels that way about His children. How many times have we danced around the flames of sin, squealing with glee as the fire tickles our ankles.
Sometimes it's hard for me to imagine God having real emotion toward me. Despite the numerous examples in scripture that so vividly display the emotions of God spilling out over the earth like a flooded coffee mug, I sometimes fail to make that connection personally. Yet I look at the cross and know that His gut wrenches and His heart aches for each of us. He sees me and you, and He smiles on us and agonizes over us. His heart beats for us like ours do when our loved ones make us proud and when they break our hearts.
One thing I love about God is the way He speaks. I am amazed and often amused when I see His face peeking into my day and using some of the most off the wall stuff to teach me. This time He used a opossum to remind me how connected He is to each of us - how real, involved, attentive and emotional He is in each of our lives. What an awesome, amazing, fun, adventurous, patient, creative, passionate, generous, powerful and loving God we serve!
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Instruction Manual
Lately I have been working on building my photography web-site, which is laughable. I don't have a clue about html, java or any of that. I am doing the trial and error, hit or miss method. I seem to navigate much of life this way. From childhood, I have always hated to read the instructions. I want to jump right in and get started. In school, I never studied. Most tests were passed simply using what I had heard in class. I realized last night that I allow this impatience to spill over into my spiritual life.
I don't want to spend time studying, and often don't want to wait for direction from God. I want to jump in with both feet and start getting my hands dirty right away. While I am able to satisfy my craving for instant gratification, often I walk away with only half of the experience.
In building this web-site, I am consistently dissatisfied with it. There are 2 photographers, one here in Montgomery and one in Knoxville that I am super crazy about. Their work is amazing, and their web-sites ROCK. So I keep looking at their stuff, wanting to emulate them. Longing to be as good as they are.
Often in our spiritual walk, we will see people in the church that we think live these "mountaintop" lives (I can think of a few right off hand). We long to be like them. Yet so often, I fail to consider the time, effort, trials and experiences that have lead them to where they are. I just want to be there now. I want to skip all the work. Same with photography. How many under/overexposed pictures have these 2 photographers I admire had to trash over the years. How many books have they read? How many hours have they spent developing their craft? And my spiritual mentors...how many valleys have they been in? How many hours have they spent on their faces crying out to God? How deeply have they invested themselves in Bible study and time with God? Yet, I lust for the finished product.
I believe it is good to have mentors and people to look up to. We can learn from their experiences and mistakes. I discovered last night that I can save some web-sites into Front Page, then dissect them to see how they were built. So I can learn from those who have gone before me. I can continually look at other artists' work in order to improve my own. But ultimately, I must spend my time in the trenches. I must go through my "grasshopper" time painting fences and waxing cars. Otherwise, I will only have an imitation shell of a product (or spiritual life) that is nowhere close to it's potential.
I don't want to spend time studying, and often don't want to wait for direction from God. I want to jump in with both feet and start getting my hands dirty right away. While I am able to satisfy my craving for instant gratification, often I walk away with only half of the experience.
In building this web-site, I am consistently dissatisfied with it. There are 2 photographers, one here in Montgomery and one in Knoxville that I am super crazy about. Their work is amazing, and their web-sites ROCK. So I keep looking at their stuff, wanting to emulate them. Longing to be as good as they are.
Often in our spiritual walk, we will see people in the church that we think live these "mountaintop" lives (I can think of a few right off hand). We long to be like them. Yet so often, I fail to consider the time, effort, trials and experiences that have lead them to where they are. I just want to be there now. I want to skip all the work. Same with photography. How many under/overexposed pictures have these 2 photographers I admire had to trash over the years. How many books have they read? How many hours have they spent developing their craft? And my spiritual mentors...how many valleys have they been in? How many hours have they spent on their faces crying out to God? How deeply have they invested themselves in Bible study and time with God? Yet, I lust for the finished product.
I believe it is good to have mentors and people to look up to. We can learn from their experiences and mistakes. I discovered last night that I can save some web-sites into Front Page, then dissect them to see how they were built. So I can learn from those who have gone before me. I can continually look at other artists' work in order to improve my own. But ultimately, I must spend my time in the trenches. I must go through my "grasshopper" time painting fences and waxing cars. Otherwise, I will only have an imitation shell of a product (or spiritual life) that is nowhere close to it's potential.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Chocolate shortage
Today my world almost teetered off its axis, spinning out of control into a state of oblivion unparallelled in the life of anyone this side of the moon to date. I heard rumors of a potential chocolate shortage!! Egad! I think the national threat level should be raised to level Brown immediately! Take my water. Take my oxygen. But please, for the love of all things decent and holy....don't take my chocolate.
Apparently a drought in Africa and unrest in the region has caused a slow down in the production of cocoa. Prices could sky rocket. Surely we are on the brink of an economic depression. I am picturing Charlie Bucket from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory taking his one birthday dollar and buying a block of the prized delicacy. How he cherished it. My brother, he must be.
Can I bear the thought of my specially crafted, ornately designed, gold embossed, velvet lined chocolate box sitting empty? Oh, the horror! We must all ban together and be brave in the face of this impending disaster. Please consider that you may need to begin a stockpile. Support groups may become necessary.
Apparently a drought in Africa and unrest in the region has caused a slow down in the production of cocoa. Prices could sky rocket. Surely we are on the brink of an economic depression. I am picturing Charlie Bucket from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory taking his one birthday dollar and buying a block of the prized delicacy. How he cherished it. My brother, he must be.
Can I bear the thought of my specially crafted, ornately designed, gold embossed, velvet lined chocolate box sitting empty? Oh, the horror! We must all ban together and be brave in the face of this impending disaster. Please consider that you may need to begin a stockpile. Support groups may become necessary.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Dead Battery
This morning started like any other morning. I got ready for work as usual. As I got into my car to leave, however, the battery was dead. My car groaned (as I often do first thing in the morning) and refused to crank. I called my super hero friend Lisa to beg a boost. As usual she was more than willing to accommodate me. We hooked up the jumper cables, you know, black to red, red to black. Sparks were flying, but we assumed it was supposed to do that. When Lisa started her car there was a flash of light and a loud bang followed by a plume of smoke. Just kidding. We jumped the car off with no problem...
Lisa coming to my rescue has really made me think a lot about relationships. God uses my friends and family to pick me up quite often. I get a "charge" by being around them. Sometimes my batteries are low because I have been running too long without any rest and I just need a boost. Sometimes I am feeling spiritually dead and need the full shock treatment. I am so thankful that God designed us to need other people. It is so neat to me that He knits us together in such a perfect way. Despite different interests, talents, goals, fears, and experineces, He uses all of that to shape us. And best of all, He gives us those extra shoulders to help carry our burdens! Isn't God the best?
Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17
Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? Eccl 4:9-11 (Cool, God likes to snuggle!)
You are my friends, if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. John 15:15 (Jesus, the best friend of all!)
Lisa coming to my rescue has really made me think a lot about relationships. God uses my friends and family to pick me up quite often. I get a "charge" by being around them. Sometimes my batteries are low because I have been running too long without any rest and I just need a boost. Sometimes I am feeling spiritually dead and need the full shock treatment. I am so thankful that God designed us to need other people. It is so neat to me that He knits us together in such a perfect way. Despite different interests, talents, goals, fears, and experineces, He uses all of that to shape us. And best of all, He gives us those extra shoulders to help carry our burdens! Isn't God the best?
Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17
Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? Eccl 4:9-11 (Cool, God likes to snuggle!)
You are my friends, if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. John 15:15 (Jesus, the best friend of all!)
Monday, March 19, 2007
I was a murder suspect...
This weekend I attended a murder mystery dinner party. Several of us were "actors" and the evening was all about revealing clues and solving the crime. I arrived as a recently widowed Italian woman whose husband had been murdered 4 days earlier. As the evening progressed, I discovered that I had conceived a child out of wedlock, left my man at the alter, married his brother, and was secretly saving money to move back to Italy and leave my husband. Oh my! The party was a BLAST!! Everyone tried to speak with Italian accents, which was hilarious. By the end of the night, somehow our Italian had morphed into a Russian-English-Southern twang kind of thing. Lisa was my daughter, who turned out to be the leader of some sort of crime ring (fitting, don't you think?). Jeni was a maid turned gold digger turned tramp. But who am I to talk (did you read my story line?). Don't we all look completely grief-striken? Turns out I wasn't the murderer. Bummer. Oh well, there's always next time... Want to come over for dinner?
Friday, March 09, 2007
Balance
Life, in general, is such a balancing act. Finding that perfect place between giving and selfishness can be difficult. I've begun to notice things that bother me about others are often things I find myself doing. When someone hurts my feelings or ticks me off, all I can see is this glaring wrong that was committed against me. Much to my embarassment, I often find myself perpetrating the same act on some other undeserving soul. So I try to work at digging this huge log out of my own eye rather than trying to excavate the splinter from another's.
As I work on trying to repair my own flaws, I become consumed with my own "walk" and often forget those walking with me. I can't tell you how many times I have walked away from a conversation with a friend and realized I had gone on and on about my own issues or opinions without stopping to really savor their presence or invest in what was going on with them. I shudder when I think, "Not once did I ask how their week was going or even if they had plans for the weekend." And so I find myself in an uncomfortable place of self-absorption.
In order to "get outside of myself" I begin to search for ways to serve others. I try to remain conscious all day of my facial expressions, tone of voice and reaction to others. I want others to know that I am investing in them, that I care. Before long, all this caring leaves me tired. I find that this is the time I will pour all of my energy into caring for co-workers or strangers or other people that only know me superficially and then have nothing left for my family and friends, the people who really love and support me.
Recently I heard someone say that Jesus ministered to the crowds, then he had the 12, but even beyond that he had the 3 that he poured his life into. That statement really struck me because all I could think was, "how did he have the energy left to pour anything into these 3?" After dealing with demanding crowds all day, and then having to explain everything to the disciples, I don't know how he had anything left to give. But I think I have been looking at things upside down. I think he spent time with God first and was energized by that. Then he had special intimacy with the 3, and we all know how energizing it is to be with people that "get" you, believe in you and support you. Then he had the 12. Again, it is reviving to be a part of a group. A place where you belong and share common experiences. All of this energized him to minister on a larger scale. For me, I think I have been starting in the ocean first, trying to paint the big picture all on my own. Instead, I should start at home with a cool, refreshing drink from God and my "inner circle." Then I'll have the energy to tackle the world.
Some friends and I recently joined a discipleship group thing at our church. The very first night we were talking and I told them that my job just takes everything I have. By the end of the day I am so tired that I have to force myself to do things in the evening. I have been leading a Bible study on Thursday nights, and I know there have been times when I completely slacked in preparing for it. I have not been the leader I should be. There have been nights when I have met with my accountability group and have just gone through the motions, not really there mentally. I often allow eternally insignificant things to drain all of my energy, and I have nothing left for the people God has placed in my inner circle. A place that is supposed to be mutually nurturing, supportive and challenging. Girls, I apologize that I have been living upside down with slanted priorities that has often left me emotionally, mentally and physically bankrupt for you. I love you all dearly, and I could not make it without you. I never want to look back on any encounter with you and realize that I slighted you simply because we are frump-wear, back door kind of friends. I never want you to leave my presence and wonder if you are special to me.
You know the verse....As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17) My girls definitely sharpen me, and oh how I love them for it!!
Lord, please help me to cherish and nourish the relationships you have given me as a source of strength. Help me to remember that these are tools You use to equip me to do the work of Your Kingdom. Help me to keep my tools sharp and never let them get dull or rusty. Help me to see them for the jewels they are and not toss them in the shed knowing they will be there when I need them. Help me to be a nourishing light to them in return. Most of all, Lord, help me to live in that place of balance where I am able to bestow compassion on the flaws of others while recognizing my own faults, live in submission to You while helping others in their journey of faith, and invest more in my sisters than I expect in return.
As I work on trying to repair my own flaws, I become consumed with my own "walk" and often forget those walking with me. I can't tell you how many times I have walked away from a conversation with a friend and realized I had gone on and on about my own issues or opinions without stopping to really savor their presence or invest in what was going on with them. I shudder when I think, "Not once did I ask how their week was going or even if they had plans for the weekend." And so I find myself in an uncomfortable place of self-absorption.
In order to "get outside of myself" I begin to search for ways to serve others. I try to remain conscious all day of my facial expressions, tone of voice and reaction to others. I want others to know that I am investing in them, that I care. Before long, all this caring leaves me tired. I find that this is the time I will pour all of my energy into caring for co-workers or strangers or other people that only know me superficially and then have nothing left for my family and friends, the people who really love and support me.
Recently I heard someone say that Jesus ministered to the crowds, then he had the 12, but even beyond that he had the 3 that he poured his life into. That statement really struck me because all I could think was, "how did he have the energy left to pour anything into these 3?" After dealing with demanding crowds all day, and then having to explain everything to the disciples, I don't know how he had anything left to give. But I think I have been looking at things upside down. I think he spent time with God first and was energized by that. Then he had special intimacy with the 3, and we all know how energizing it is to be with people that "get" you, believe in you and support you. Then he had the 12. Again, it is reviving to be a part of a group. A place where you belong and share common experiences. All of this energized him to minister on a larger scale. For me, I think I have been starting in the ocean first, trying to paint the big picture all on my own. Instead, I should start at home with a cool, refreshing drink from God and my "inner circle." Then I'll have the energy to tackle the world.
Some friends and I recently joined a discipleship group thing at our church. The very first night we were talking and I told them that my job just takes everything I have. By the end of the day I am so tired that I have to force myself to do things in the evening. I have been leading a Bible study on Thursday nights, and I know there have been times when I completely slacked in preparing for it. I have not been the leader I should be. There have been nights when I have met with my accountability group and have just gone through the motions, not really there mentally. I often allow eternally insignificant things to drain all of my energy, and I have nothing left for the people God has placed in my inner circle. A place that is supposed to be mutually nurturing, supportive and challenging. Girls, I apologize that I have been living upside down with slanted priorities that has often left me emotionally, mentally and physically bankrupt for you. I love you all dearly, and I could not make it without you. I never want to look back on any encounter with you and realize that I slighted you simply because we are frump-wear, back door kind of friends. I never want you to leave my presence and wonder if you are special to me.
You know the verse....As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17) My girls definitely sharpen me, and oh how I love them for it!!
Lord, please help me to cherish and nourish the relationships you have given me as a source of strength. Help me to remember that these are tools You use to equip me to do the work of Your Kingdom. Help me to keep my tools sharp and never let them get dull or rusty. Help me to see them for the jewels they are and not toss them in the shed knowing they will be there when I need them. Help me to be a nourishing light to them in return. Most of all, Lord, help me to live in that place of balance where I am able to bestow compassion on the flaws of others while recognizing my own faults, live in submission to You while helping others in their journey of faith, and invest more in my sisters than I expect in return.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Shameless Plug
For those of you that don't know, I have started a little photography work. I hope to do this on a more professional level some day, but for now I am enjoying the learning and practice! If you haven't visited my web-site yet, I invite you to do so. In fact, here is a link to pictures from my latest client session. He is the cutest little thing!
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Forgiveness
Today at lunch I was listening to Christian radio and they were talking about forgiveness. I didn't really think I had too much of an issue with that, but I decided to see what God had for me to hear. By the end of the broadcast I was sitting in my car in tears. I guess I had not realized that there were a couple of people in my life that I have yet to forgive. As the 3 speakers bantered back and forth about the topic, they brought up issues that immediately brought certain people to mind. I quickly realized I still had forgiveness issues with them.
I figured I had the forgiveness thing licked because I have managed (with God's grace and help) to truly forgive the person who hurt me most in my life. That was such a huge deal with such a long healing and forgiveness process that it made all the other "little" hurts in life seem rather pale. But today I realized that there were several "little" hurts that had been swept under the rug and allowed to fester. My weepy response to God's message tells me that these hurts are no longer "little" as far as my heart is concerned.
My mind began racing with defensive thoughts like, "What if they don't even realize they hurt me? Shouldn't they somehow be made to feel like a skank before I forgive them? If I forgive them without any consequences on their part, what if they think they have license to hurt me again? Shouldn't I at least set some sort of defined boundaries before I forgive in order to prevent this from happening again? If I keep forgiving over and over with no consequences to offender, won't I just become a doormat?" The excuses went on and on. And each one was raised by the speakers on this show. Each was raised, and each was shot down.
Basically, they reminded me that forgiveness reveals brokenness. Brokenness does two things. One, it points others to the cross. Christ was broken for us. God sacrificed His Son for us - and hey, we aren't so swell either. Two, it reminds us of our brokenness. As we become broken by forgiving others, we are pointed to the cross, reminded of our sinful condition and the price that was paid for us.
"But what about repeat offenders?" I protest. Well, aren't we repeat offenders? I don't know how many times I have had to go to God asking for forgiveness, strength and help with the same thing over and over. As for those repeat offenders oblivious to our plight at their hands? Again, how selfish am I that should have to go to God over and over with the same sin. And let's not forget our brother David who asked God in Psalms 139 to examine his heart and reveal his offensive ways. Human selfishness and repeat offending has been a part of mankind since the beginning of time.
And my never-ending struggle between boundaries and forgiveness? That protest was met with one response. Did Christ set boundaries after forgiving us? Does He love us less or treat us differently? Does He only answer a percentage of prayers in direct correlation to how many times we've put ourselves in a pinch? Does He hold a grudge and hold us hostage to our sin to make sure we feel adequately punished before hearing or answering our prayers? Does He walk around Heaven with a snarled, snide attitude telling God and the angels all about what we did? Is His love conditional on our performance?
Bottom line: Forgiveness is an act of faith and obedience. We are commanded to do it. We never feel equipped to do it, hence the faith. Forgiveness is often a journey, something we have to do over and over. The speaker today talked about how often the "offender's" name will keep coming up for you over and over, at random times, they will just pop into your mind. When that happens, and you have that gnawing feeling in your gut - something is still wrong, and you need to stop right then and re-declare your forgiveness, praying for strength. It may take a while, but it will eventually be healed. Yet so often, this process is something that must be acted out long before our emotions rise to match our decision to forgive.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
V-Day
Here we are, the day were the world is robotically forced to celebrate love. Please don't misunderstand. I'm not anti-Valentine's day. I've just been thinking outside my skin lately, trying to resurrect my old bohemian-beatnik carcass of an artist. The one that sees everything with a slant and no one understands. While being understood has its merits, being real is much more important.
A few years ago I decided to boycott the commercial gift-giving side of Christmas. I don't want a pile of future yard sale junk given to me by people who only bought it out of guilt or obligation. And I don't particularly enjoy going into debt and getting elbowed in the forehead at the mall trying to do the same for them. I guess that mentality has spilled over into Valentine's Day. I don't want someone to declare their love for me because Hallmark told them to. I'd rather get a card on June 17th for no reason at all other than "just because I was thinking of you." Despite my protestitory attitude, the holidays keep on coming - which is fine. I just hope no one is offended when they don't receive a Stepford valentine from me.
Again, please don't misunderstand. I'm not opposed to V-Day at all. In fact, as a connoisseur of chocolate, I am quite fond of any holiday that would prompt Publix to build a 8-foot shrine to my favorite food right inside their front door. I can even lose myself in the rushing waters of society sometimes. I didn't want to be the only one not getting any action on Valentine's Day, so I made an appointment with my gynecologist. Hey, it's better than some alternatives, right? At least he's clean, rich and wears gloves.
Anyway - as the smell of roses wafted through the office today and a wave of giggles, ooh's, and aah's washed over the department when someone was called to the receptionist's desk for a "delivery," I got to thinking about all this love and roses and chocolate. I am amused at people who were fighting or complaining yesterday, yet are as sweet as syrup today. Men who paid little attention to their wives 361 days a year, but suddenly their competitive man juices get to flowing when they hear Bob in the next cube ordering roses for his sweetie. And so begins the flow of shiny, red, heart-shaped boxes of candy and flowers of all sorts. I am amazed that for one day a year our society softens and it's deemed acceptable to be mushy gushy and googly eyed. When God commanded us to love each other, why does it take collaboration from Hallmark for us to live that out?
I amaze myself with how selfish I can be. I like to think of myself as compassionate and giving, always looking for ways I can help people. But mostly I think I want to help myself. I guess we all do. And when society gives us permission to be giving, we are. We are because everyone else is, and we don't want to stand out or be labeled a weirdo or scrooge. I am bothered by this because these holidays, the one's I have decided to "boycott" are the only times I bring this mentality to the forefront of my thinking. On June 17th, will it occur to me to send some a card "just because"? Probably not. Am I as eager to show others how important they are to me at random times when no one is looking? Often I am too busy stewing in my own life soup to notice anyone who isn't in my kettle. And let's face it, we all have a kettle. We are each issued one when we are born. The older we get, the bigger, heavier and fuller it gets. Stirring my own soup often takes precedence over anything else. It's not that I intend to ignore people, I just get so caught up in my own stuff that I forget to pull my head out of the sand.
So, I say...Thank you Hallmark and Russell Stover for reminding me that God commanded me to love others. And Lord, please help me to get over myself enough to remember to love others after all the candy hearts are gone.
A few years ago I decided to boycott the commercial gift-giving side of Christmas. I don't want a pile of future yard sale junk given to me by people who only bought it out of guilt or obligation. And I don't particularly enjoy going into debt and getting elbowed in the forehead at the mall trying to do the same for them. I guess that mentality has spilled over into Valentine's Day. I don't want someone to declare their love for me because Hallmark told them to. I'd rather get a card on June 17th for no reason at all other than "just because I was thinking of you." Despite my protestitory attitude, the holidays keep on coming - which is fine. I just hope no one is offended when they don't receive a Stepford valentine from me.
Again, please don't misunderstand. I'm not opposed to V-Day at all. In fact, as a connoisseur of chocolate, I am quite fond of any holiday that would prompt Publix to build a 8-foot shrine to my favorite food right inside their front door. I can even lose myself in the rushing waters of society sometimes. I didn't want to be the only one not getting any action on Valentine's Day, so I made an appointment with my gynecologist. Hey, it's better than some alternatives, right? At least he's clean, rich and wears gloves.
Anyway - as the smell of roses wafted through the office today and a wave of giggles, ooh's, and aah's washed over the department when someone was called to the receptionist's desk for a "delivery," I got to thinking about all this love and roses and chocolate. I am amused at people who were fighting or complaining yesterday, yet are as sweet as syrup today. Men who paid little attention to their wives 361 days a year, but suddenly their competitive man juices get to flowing when they hear Bob in the next cube ordering roses for his sweetie. And so begins the flow of shiny, red, heart-shaped boxes of candy and flowers of all sorts. I am amazed that for one day a year our society softens and it's deemed acceptable to be mushy gushy and googly eyed. When God commanded us to love each other, why does it take collaboration from Hallmark for us to live that out?
I amaze myself with how selfish I can be. I like to think of myself as compassionate and giving, always looking for ways I can help people. But mostly I think I want to help myself. I guess we all do. And when society gives us permission to be giving, we are. We are because everyone else is, and we don't want to stand out or be labeled a weirdo or scrooge. I am bothered by this because these holidays, the one's I have decided to "boycott" are the only times I bring this mentality to the forefront of my thinking. On June 17th, will it occur to me to send some a card "just because"? Probably not. Am I as eager to show others how important they are to me at random times when no one is looking? Often I am too busy stewing in my own life soup to notice anyone who isn't in my kettle. And let's face it, we all have a kettle. We are each issued one when we are born. The older we get, the bigger, heavier and fuller it gets. Stirring my own soup often takes precedence over anything else. It's not that I intend to ignore people, I just get so caught up in my own stuff that I forget to pull my head out of the sand.
So, I say...Thank you Hallmark and Russell Stover for reminding me that God commanded me to love others. And Lord, please help me to get over myself enough to remember to love others after all the candy hearts are gone.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
An empty hand
What is this thing you love?
This blessed curse that hangs so ornately around your neck
Your own personal albatross
This hollowness that penetrates and absorbs your entire atmosphere
"Love," you say?
Surely this blistering thing is nothing of the sort
A cold and bitter empty hand
This is my lot - to live out my days...unfulfilled
I have been robbed even before I have received
Your emptiness has left you filled to the brim
What was once a thing of beauty, hope and wonder has since become an all-consuming darkness that you feed and nurture like a starving baby bird
Blindness has befriended your rage leaving only a hollow shell of ingratitude
I am crippled by my Creator
Left here alone with only this hole
If only ingratitude were the leader of my emotions
I am plagued by silence and engulfed in the flames of this - my unanswered prayer
In all your days, have you uttered but one prayer?
Have not others been answered?
Has this present silence become so deafening that you can no longer hear the echoes of answers from prayers past?
Do prayers and good deeds expire?
Is what was once heard still heard today?
How long must one go without a single drop of water before one withers?
Is it not God who speaks of keeping his children from exasperation?
Shall I make God out to be a liar?
Oh, how my heart shatters into one thousand pieces!
I cannot bear to see what you cannot see
Selfishness has stolen your ability to witness blessings surrounding you each day
I fear you have the curse of Pharaoh
I pray it does not take many plagues to turn stone to sand
I am not a robber and a thief
I did not wipe out a man's life with no reason at all
I am not silent, but I am met with it day after agonizing day
Yet I am on trial for my current condition?
One cannot be both defendant and judge
You cry persecution, yet wear a black robe and carry a gavel
Be reminded of your position
One of lowly, wretched, detestable sinfulness
Remember the rescue you received despite unworthiness
Consider the bounty that lies at your feet in addition to the priceless gift already afforded you
Yet this outstretched hand has become your axis - the center of your world?
Oh, shame my woeful spirit!
My soul lies in ashes
Smoldering with the sting of conviction
Dare I ask for one thing more?
Forgive and cleanse these claws of greed that scratch upon the throne room door
A blind man I have been
To be seated in the treasure chest, yet live as one without even a crust of bread
How humiliated is my asking breath
So deceived by this veil of desire
Will my eyes ever look heavenward again?
Is forgiveness within my grasp?
Pardon was granted long before it was requested
Freedom lies just beyond the fingertips of your empty palm
Embrace your dreams and be not afraid to envision them boldly
Balance is serving beyond the silence
The unanswered prayer may be intended to keep you asking
This blessed curse that hangs so ornately around your neck
Your own personal albatross
This hollowness that penetrates and absorbs your entire atmosphere
"Love," you say?
Surely this blistering thing is nothing of the sort
A cold and bitter empty hand
This is my lot - to live out my days...unfulfilled
I have been robbed even before I have received
Your emptiness has left you filled to the brim
What was once a thing of beauty, hope and wonder has since become an all-consuming darkness that you feed and nurture like a starving baby bird
Blindness has befriended your rage leaving only a hollow shell of ingratitude
I am crippled by my Creator
Left here alone with only this hole
If only ingratitude were the leader of my emotions
I am plagued by silence and engulfed in the flames of this - my unanswered prayer
In all your days, have you uttered but one prayer?
Have not others been answered?
Has this present silence become so deafening that you can no longer hear the echoes of answers from prayers past?
Do prayers and good deeds expire?
Is what was once heard still heard today?
How long must one go without a single drop of water before one withers?
Is it not God who speaks of keeping his children from exasperation?
Shall I make God out to be a liar?
Oh, how my heart shatters into one thousand pieces!
I cannot bear to see what you cannot see
Selfishness has stolen your ability to witness blessings surrounding you each day
I fear you have the curse of Pharaoh
I pray it does not take many plagues to turn stone to sand
I am not a robber and a thief
I did not wipe out a man's life with no reason at all
I am not silent, but I am met with it day after agonizing day
Yet I am on trial for my current condition?
One cannot be both defendant and judge
You cry persecution, yet wear a black robe and carry a gavel
Be reminded of your position
One of lowly, wretched, detestable sinfulness
Remember the rescue you received despite unworthiness
Consider the bounty that lies at your feet in addition to the priceless gift already afforded you
Yet this outstretched hand has become your axis - the center of your world?
Oh, shame my woeful spirit!
My soul lies in ashes
Smoldering with the sting of conviction
Dare I ask for one thing more?
Forgive and cleanse these claws of greed that scratch upon the throne room door
A blind man I have been
To be seated in the treasure chest, yet live as one without even a crust of bread
How humiliated is my asking breath
So deceived by this veil of desire
Will my eyes ever look heavenward again?
Is forgiveness within my grasp?
Pardon was granted long before it was requested
Freedom lies just beyond the fingertips of your empty palm
Embrace your dreams and be not afraid to envision them boldly
Balance is serving beyond the silence
The unanswered prayer may be intended to keep you asking
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