Forgive Jesus?

Yesterday I sat spellbound as I listened to someone share an encounter they'd had with God. First, I am always intrigued anytime someone is willing to reveal details of an exchange with Him. Hearing from God is often such a misunderstood and mystical event that it continues to challenge and stretch me. But this particular encounter with the Most High stopped me in my tracks and puts things in slow motion when I stop to think about it.

My friend had been hurt by something, and as a result had become angry with God. In the course of her struggle with Him, Jesus asked her if she could forgive Him. Errrrrrrrk....beep...beep...beep - back it up. What? Jesus asked you what? She went on to explain that He wasn't asking for forgiveness - He had done nothing wrong. He was asking if she could forgive Him - could she get passed it and let go of her anger.

That painted such a beautiful picture of Jesus to me. A picture of a Savior that truly approaches us with compassion. What a picture of gentle strength and quiet power. He seeks us where we are and reaches into our hearts to massage away the pain, the hurt, the guilt and the sin. He is the friend who holds our hair as we puke in the toilet of life (bet you never heard that in a study on the names of God...but honestly - is there a truer friend than that?).

Sometimes I hold back with Jesus. I even avoid Him from time to time. I do this because I believe the lies Satan tells me about my need to be perfect. And since I am never perfect, I often find myself running from God in some futile and irrational effort to hide my imperfection. I am baffled as to why I will allow my earthly friends to see my flaws, yet try to hide them from the One who sees everything. Maybe I feel some small amount of control over how well others know me, yet with God there is no control. The thought that Someone could know me so deeply and intimately is scary to me. Therefore, I strap on my fig leaves and run and hide.

We had Friend Day at church yesterday, and Buddy preached about Jesus being our friend. His lesson was my all time favorite "Best of Buddy Bell" sermon on Peter and Jesus. In the past 10 - 15 years or so, I have heard variations of this lesson from Buddy 3 times in various settings. And I sit on the edge of my seat every time. I would have to say it is my all time favorite sermon. He spoke about Peter and Jesus. When Peter walked on water and began to sink, Jesus immediately reached down and grabbed him. Even after Peter denied Jesus, He pursued Peter. He met Peter where he was mentally, emotionally and spiritually. He knew Peter wasn't perfect, and He loved Him anyway.

The more I learn about Jesus, the more I see that my drive for perfection is not of Him. He meets me where I am and works with what's on my heart that day. He doesn't overwhelm me with a laundry list of growth steps and future spiritual "achievements" He expects of me. He takes what's on my plate today, and we go from there.

Can I Get a Witness?

Approximately nine years ago, I applied for a different job with my company. The job would have been a slight promotion with a little higher salary. At the time, all I saw were dollar signs. I completed the application process and interviewed for the job. Much to my dismay, they hired someone else. How dare! I was hurt. Well, mostly my pride was hurt. I couldn't understand why I didn't get this job. God simply said "no" with no further explanation.

Now nine years later, that entire department has been dissolved. The girl who was hired instead of me lost her job. As far as I know, she still has not found another job. Insurance jobs are pretty hard to come by in Montgomery. Looking back, I see now that God was looking out for me. At the time, I couldn't understand why. More money seemed like a good thing. The manager of that department actually became a good friend of mine. I would have done a good job for him. And yet God said "no."

Over the years I worked my way up in my department. I actually now have a job that is a higher pay grade than that one would have ever been. And I still have a job. I am reminded that sometimes God says 'no' even when it hurts our feelings in the moment. But we do not serve a random or petty God. Our God is purposeful. He is training us like ivy. Ivy must be tied to a pole and trained to grow a certain way. Over time, after enough growth has occurred, you can untie the ivy and it will continue to grow in the right direction. His "no's" always have a purpose. We may not see it for years to come, if ever. But rest assured, His restraint is for our benefit.

On being refined

I am getting ready to paint my hallway. At some point in the past the prior owners of my lovely home did a real wiggyjack job on patching a place in the sheet rock. So I've gone in and applied sheet rock mud in an attempt to smooth it out. After the sheet rock mud dries, it has to be sanded. The sanding process creates a lot of fine white dust.

Tonight as I sanded, I started thinking about the process. As the refiner, I am having to do a lot of work to get this stuff smooth. I put a spotlight in the hallway to make sure I could see really well. I am covered in dust and have probably breathed in who knows how much of it. The wall just sat there.

When God is refining me, I often think He is just sitting there doing nothing. I accuse Him of leaving me out in the cold or ignoring me. In fact, the opposite is true. God is the one working on me. He is putting in the elbow grease to smooth out the edges. He is covered with the dust of my refinement (often in the form of my complaints).

I can only imagine how difficult and frustrating it would have been for me if that wall was squirming around, complaining and trying to run away as I sanded. The process would have taken so much longer. Hmmm. Something to think about...

Instruction Manual

Lately I have been working on building my photography web-site, which is laughable. I don't have a clue about html, java or any of that. I am doing the trial and error, hit or miss method. I seem to navigate much of life this way. From childhood, I have always hated to read the instructions. I want to jump right in and get started. In school, I never studied. Most tests were passed simply using what I had heard in class. I realized last night that I allow this impatience to spill over into my spiritual life.

I don't want to spend time studying, and often don't want to wait for direction from God. I want to jump in with both feet and start getting my hands dirty right away. While I am able to satisfy my craving for instant gratification, often I walk away with only half of the experience.

In building this web-site, I am consistently dissatisfied with it. There are 2 photographers, one here in Montgomery and one in Knoxville that I am super crazy about. Their work is amazing, and their web-sites ROCK. So I keep looking at their stuff, wanting to emulate them. Longing to be as good as they are.

Often in our spiritual walk, we will see people in the church that we think live these "mountaintop" lives (I can think of a few right off hand). We long to be like them. Yet so often, I fail to consider the time, effort, trials and experiences that have lead them to where they are. I just want to be there now. I want to skip all the work. Same with photography. How many under/overexposed pictures have these 2 photographers I admire had to trash over the years. How many books have they read? How many hours have they spent developing their craft? And my spiritual mentors...how many valleys have they been in? How many hours have they spent on their faces crying out to God? How deeply have they invested themselves in Bible study and time with God? Yet, I lust for the finished product.

I believe it is good to have mentors and people to look up to. We can learn from their experiences and mistakes. I discovered last night that I can save some web-sites into Front Page, then dissect them to see how they were built. So I can learn from those who have gone before me. I can continually look at other artists' work in order to improve my own. But ultimately, I must spend my time in the trenches. I must go through my "grasshopper" time painting fences and waxing cars. Otherwise, I will only have an imitation shell of a product (or spiritual life) that is nowhere close to it's potential.