I didn't make my bed today. Well, let's be honest - there are a lot of days that I don't make my bed. Frankly, I'm lucky to get out of the house with all my clothes on, much less make the bed. I can't imagine how in the world I am going to manage getting kids ready some day - but that's another blog for another day.

As I said, I didn't make my bed today. When I got home from work, much to my dismay, I discovered my bed to be covered in leaves. I have a dog that uses a doggie door. Right now my back yard is covered in leaves. Therefore, when Cooper comes in, so do the leaves. My initial reaction to the leaves was one of frustration. But my frustration quickly turned to warm fuzzies as I began to think about little Cooper all snuggled up in my bed today while I was at work.

When I am at home, he likes to be in the same room as me. It doesn't matter what I am doing, or if he's sleeping or not - he just wants to be close. I guess being in my bed makes him feel close to me when I am away. It kind of reminds me of being a child - the one place kids always seem to feel the safest is in their parents' bed. I don't know why. I'm sure there is some psychological explanation for it, but it's beyond me. What I do know is that I feel the same way with God.

While I often wrestle with God in prayer over many things, I still find so much comfort in Him. Even though I don't always understand Him, I am humbled that He would allow someone as human as me to enter into His Presence. There is such peace there. Even in the midst of storms, there's just something about being in His Presence that lets you know it will all work out somehow.

I'll never forget my first plane ride. I was beyond mortified. With each tremor of turbulence, I was praying as hard as I could. The words were flowing through my mind faster than I could think them. And each new tremor would bring a new wave of beseeching. That was the only thing that kept me sane. I'm a LITTLE calmer in the air now, but not much. Each time I fly, I experience a whole new level of spirituality!

I am trying to make time every day to sit in God's presence, to experience that feeling of peace, comfort, joy and love. If you can relish it in the good times, it makes it easier to cherish in the bad times. Building a relationship and getting comfortable on His lap now will make that safe haven feel more like home when the storms come.

The name of the Lord is a strong fortress; the godly run to Him and are safe.
-Proverbs 18:10

I've been having this weird feeling in my chest lately. I'm not going around doing the Fred Sanford or anything, but it does feel odd nonetheless. I just wanted to let someone know - if I don't show up at work tomorrow, can someone come check on me before the decomp smell embeds itself in the sheetrock and my family has difficulty re-selling the house? Thanks.

Now, on to bigger and better things. God led me to start reading the book of James this week. I am taking a different approach to reading than ever before. This time I am only reading a few verses a day, reading them multiple times, sometimes pulling out a couple of different commentaries, letting the verses sink in, and praying about them. I have been amazed at how each day the verses seem to coincide with something going on in my life.

Yesterday God convicted me about some things in my life that weren't honoring Him. I hadn't really given much thought to it before, but I knew I needed to confront them. Then I got to the verses about being tempted by your desires and that leading to death. THEN I got an email devotional from a guy who simply shares whatever God speaks to him each morning. Yesterday he said that God spoke to him about repentance and requiring pinpoint obedience. And that if people refused to repent they were going to enter into a long season of drought.

I was burdened all day until I dealt with it. After I did, I began to feel better. Then I came home tonight and lo and behold, "If you keep looking steadily into God's perfect law - the law that sets you free - and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it." (James 1:25)

I am amazed when God speaks to me. I am amazed that He would even want to. That amazement also fosters doubt that what I "hear" is even God. Knowing how human I am and how much I mess up every day, I think I sometimes have a hard time believing that even I could be privileged enough to have Him direct anything toward me. But looking back over the past 2 days - there is not doubt in my mind that He clearly communicates with us, puts things on our hearts, speaks to us through avenues other than the Bible, and uses everything in our spirits and in the world around us to lead us closer to Him.

I still have some other thorn bushes in my spirit that need dealing with, but I am confident that one victorious step toward obedience will lead to another and another and another. And I am reminded that He really does speak to me, and many of those times I have wondered about the "voice" really were Him. I don't know why we get so hung up in doubt sometimes. I guess Satan takes our feelings of unworthiness and uses them to make us believe we really are unworthy. But because of Jesus, I am worthy! Praise Him!

Rich and poor alike, we are all the same to God. He expects us to serve and honor Him, no matter what position we find ourselves in life.

Let the believer who is lowly boast in being raised up, and the rich in being brought low, because the rich will disappear like a flower in the field. For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the field; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes. It is the same way with the rich; in the midst of a busy life, they will wither away.
James 1:9-11 NRSV

At the time this was written, wealthy landowners in Palestine, as well as much of the Roman Empire, exploited the poor. Economic and social tensions raged even to the point of war and bloodshed. James was trying to teach Christians that their worth came not in the form of money, but rather from God's grace. The poor were to rejoice because God's grace exalted them. The rich were to rejoice because God's grace humbled them and brought them to a place beyond their wealth. God's grace levels the playing field.

In the United States, most of us would not consider ourselves rich. However, compared to the rest of the world, we are extremely wealthy. Whatever position you find yourself in today, approach it behind the veil of grace. If you are burdened with debt, barely able to make ends meet, remember that God's grace is above all that. If you are doing fairly well by the world's standards, remember that money is temporary and has no eternal value. Don't fall into the trap of elevating riches above grace. And if you find yourself somewhere in the middle, remember that life will fade and wither like a flower. Don't get lulled into such a sense of busyness that you wake up one day to see that life has passed you by. Make the most of wherever you are, always rejoicing that God's grace brings us all to the same place.

Well, my euphoric day of rest came to a screeching halt today. You guessed it. I returned to work. The only way I can adequately describe my job to someone who doesn't do it is this. Picture the Wall St trading floor just after the market has opened. That's pretty much the level of activity that goes on inside my office all day everyday. Were you to walk through, you might not see it displayed as prominently as Wall St, but it's there. Ours takes place in the form of emails, phone calls and the fabulous paperless environment in which we work. But, all in all, I gamble all day - just like the stock brokers. I make decisions that could cost us millions of dollars. I haggle over price, and even have to play the roles of teacher, defendant, collection agent, bully and investigator. It's a mad house, but it's like that every day, so I've gotten pretty used to it. And secretly, I even enjoy it sometimes.

But today, one of my agents called me and told me that he was disappointed in our company, which was a kind way of saying he was disappointed in me. To his credit, I had dropped the ball because I am so overloaded right now. I missed a chance to book two good accounts and lost a good chunk of money. That I can live with, but having one of my best agents tell me I had disappointed him just killed me. He could have ripped my heart out with a dull knife and it wouldn't have hurt any less.

I've been thinking about this whole situation a lot today. As I mentioned in my last post, our sermon from Sunday was about slowing down, not biting off more than we can chew, and getting over our need to be perfect. Col 3:23 was discussed, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men..." Some people are burdened by this verse, citing it as the source for their drive to perfectionism.

On the other hand, read further into verse 24, "since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." This is what holds the key for me. My perfectionism is driven by a need to please others and be rewarded by others. Of course I want to please God too, but so often my humanity takes over, my pride and competitive spirit rage forth and I find myself caught up in the rat race. I believe that striving for excellence is something we should do as a means to honor and glorify God. But when that push to excel becomes about us rather than Him, we've missed the mark. When the reward we are striving for is no longer an inheritance from Him, it's time we take a step back and refocus.

So today, I will take a deep breath and slow down. A little mental yoga never hurts. Yes, I dropped the ball. No, I'm not perfect. But is my focus going to be on doing the very best, honest job I can do for God while being a good example to my co-workers, or will I focus on this flickering light in my bright shining star of pride?

Deep breath. Awmmm. Awmmm. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Awmmm. Awmmm.

Well, I've been a little scattered to the wind lately. We left last Wednesday to spend Thanksgiving holidays with the family in Florence. When we go to Florence, we always stay with my grandparents. Somehow I always end up sleeping in the strangest of places. With all of the beds occupied, I either find myself on the couch (which is too short), in a recliner or on the floor. My grandfather is the Gadget King of the Southeast, and he has an inflatable mattress that I have also tried. Only problem is, the mattress has a slow leak, so by morning the mattress has deflated itself.

This year I went to Linens -N- Things and bought my own blow-up mattress, twin size, with a little pump and everything. It was interesting. This one had no leak, so it stayed inflated all night. I think I may have inflated it a little too much. It was so tight that you could bounce a quarter across the room on that thing. It was a little like sleeping on a beach ball. If I moved my feet, my head would bounce. By the third night, I had started to adjust, but alas, it was time to come home.

The Friday after Thanksgiving I took my dad shopping. This was his first time to experience Black Friday. I tried to tell him that we needed to be out and about by 5am, but he was foursquare against it. So we arrived at Kohl's at 7:15. It took each of us approximately 15 minutes to find what we came for, and we got in line to check out. At 9:00 we finally reached the cashier. He was appalled. I tried to tell him. People go crazy on Black Friday. It's like a full moon or something. You risk life and limb to save a dime. Actually, we calculated that we saved $1 per minute that we waited in line. Either way, it's a mad, mad world.

Yesterday my parents came over and helped me drag the Christmas decorations down out of the attic. We put up trees and strung lights. We even put some lights in the bushes out front. It was a good time. In the process, I also got to meet my new neighbors for the first time. I am ashamed to say that they have lived next door to me for a few months now, and this is the first time we have met. They seem sweet. A newlywed couple. It's sad to me that we have become so seclusive as a society. Even among families, gatherings seem to be smaller and less often.

I watched a few minutes of Diary of Mad Black Woman yesterday, and was touched by the scene where Madea is on house arrest and the family is having a BBQ in her front yard. Kids running everywhere, people dancing. I long for a community spirit like that, whether it's in the form of a biological family or simply a gathering of close friends and neighbors. I can remember growing up, we spent so much time with family. We were always at each other's houses. Every Mother's Day, we all descended on my great-grandmother's house. There would probably be 40 people spilling out into the yard. Kids everywhere. It was great. We've moved so far from that place in our society.

Speaking of seclusion, today I had what I call a "me" day. I spent the entire day hanging out with myself, celebrating me and relaxing. Today is my birthday. I slept late, got a facial, pedicure and mini massage. I blasted praise music in the car, browsed at the camera shop, bought myself a present, and took a nap. All in all, it was a fantastic birthday. I feel refreshed and renewed.

Yesterday's sermon at church was about taking a Sabbath for ourselves, slowing down, saying no, etc. I have been so frazzled lately, going to Atlanta and back several times this month, being backlogged at work, eating unhealthy crap, letting the housework slide. Today has been so nice. No fast pace, no one asking me a million questions, no demands. I have even decided that I am going to attempt to fast from TV from now until Christmas. I believe TV only adds to my stress because it allows me to waste so much time. I want today to be like my own personal "new year's day." I guess for me is, it truly is! This year I am going to try to take better care of myself. I'll make no grand proclamations, because I always seem to fall short of those. But I discovered today that I actually enjoy me. I enjoy hanging out with me. I'm fun to be around! I deserve to be taken care of and treated well. And I owe it to others to give more of myself.

Maybe this year will be about the quest for balance. Seclusion does have its place, but service does as well. This year I hope to learn new ways of focusing on myself, while fine-tuning my ability to focus on others in a healthy, unselfish way.

Well, here we are. The night our country celebrates Satan by dressing their children like demon-possessed cartoon characters. The one night of the year society deems it acceptable to allow our children to roam the streets going from house to house begging for food. The night where those that choose not to participate must stow away in their homes, sitting in the dark watching TV with the subtitles turned on so as not to tip off the children that they're actually in there - eating all the good candy themselves.

Speaking of death, destruction and all things dark - I saw the movie Saw 3 the other day. Despite the fact that the very first thing you hear is the "F" word repeated 3 or 4 times, I actually walked away from this movie with a spiritual object lesson. The movie is an elaborate lesson in forgiveness. I won't ruin it for you - but I was amazed at what this movie made me stop and ponder regarding forgiveness, grudges, vengeance and anger. While they say holding a grudge/refusing to forgive hurts you more than the other person - I still think that is true, but this movie is almost like a jagged sermon on forgiveness. And if you've seen any of the Saw movies, you know that they always make you stop and consider whether or not you are living life to the full. I would recommend you check them out - but do so with caution. They aren't exactly Focus on the Family films...

I know that cavemen still roamed the earth the last time I posted (sorry, Geico). To be perfectly blunt, I've been too self-absorbed and had too much tunnel vision to write much of anything lately. Life seems to go in cycles for me. It's like one tornadic whirlwind after another with periods of calmness in between. Lately it's been more like a consistently irritating strong breeze rather than a tornado - but enough activity to blow papers onto the floor. I feel like my mantra is "if I can just make it to (insert day, week or month of choice here)." I guess that's the whole of life. We run in circles all frantic over stuff that won't even matter a year from now. We put off dinner with friends or family. We skip church or prayer/Bible study time. We eat sludge in styrofoam containers because we are too tired to eat healthy. I guess I get a little contemplative when the end of each year rolls around and wonder what purpose I have served. Have I merely been yet another drain on the planet's oxygen supply or has someone benefited from my existence?

My friend Benny used to call me and ask, "What have you done for the planet lately? How has the earth and your world benefited by your existence?" I can't count how many of our conversations began that way. Sometimes he would just be messing with me, and sometimes he would make me answer. Even though he was (and still is) crazy, and was kidding around most of the time, that has always stuck with me. I often find myself asking people at work if they've done anything productive today, etc. I love having people in my life who stretch my thinking and challenge me - no matter how silly they may be. I haven't seen ol' Benny in a while. He's off being a youth minister these days, probably warping the minds of many a teenager. I can say with certainty, they will never be the same, and they will be better off for having known him. He certainly pushed the artist in me. I sure do miss that.

I guess the question is, will I consider the past year and make a hollow vow to live more vibrantly in the next or will I put my money where my daydreams and reflections are and actually get my metaphorical paint brushes wet?

Blessings

Today was so full of blessings that I just had to share...

1. I woke up this morning - alive, able to walk/see/hear, in a cozy bed under a non-leaking roof
2. I had hot water in the shower
3. I had electricity to iron the clothes I was lucky enough to have
4. I passed a big insurance test this morning
5. I had a job to go to today
6. When I got to work, I had 106 emails waiting for me and tons of work backed up from me being on vacation last week - job security
7. I was able to eat lunch with 2 friends
8. I got to talk to a friend from Florida that I rarely get to see
9. I laughed more than once today
10. I was able to drive home from work with my windows down because it was cool enough outside
11. I cranked up the radio and blasted some good hip hop and heavy metal tunes on the way home, with my windows down and hair flying all over the place
12. I saw sunbeams in the sky, which is a special thing between me and God that means He was just thinking of me and wanted to send me a little love note
13. I had a home to come home to at the end of the day
14. My dog was excited to see me when I got here
15. I enjoyed a nice little chat with my neighbor. We both pondered why my grass is dying. I have grass to die
16. My house is nice and cool because I have air conditioning
17. I am going to have chocolate cake for dinner
18. I just got to talk to my ex-roomie on the phone
19. My dog is standing with his 2 front paws on the arm of my chair, wagging his tail and wanting me to play with him
20. I am going to get to spend some awesome time with God tonight - just me & Him
21. You are reading this and will stop to think about all the things that blessed you today

The end and the beginning

Well, several of you have asked me for updates on the big move... We survived with minimal bloodshed. Okay, so there was no bloodshed. Things actually went pretty well - except for the U-Haul truck rental. I almost made the news at that place. We got there promptly at 8:00 AM (the time they were supposed to open). By the time 8:30 rolls around I was beyond livid. The yahoo that runs the place comes strolling up 30 minutes late as if he's living in a Disney movie with animated blue birds dancing and singing around his head. Little did he know he was stepping into more of a Friday the 13th kind of environment.

By the time he shows, there are 3 angry women waiting for him. Yet he remains "clueless," which is an entirely different debatable topic all together (I've discovered that men take classes when they are 14 to fine tune the art of the passive fight. They are somehow able to look you right in the face at the most heated climax of an argument, shrug, and act completely unaffected and disinterested. Aaaahhhhhh.) Anyway, this guy was valedictorian of that class. He bops around like the Easter bunny, turning on his computer, getting settled. Then came the pinnacle. In the middle of the rental process, he turns on the TV.

In completely American Psycho style, I morph into fantasy mode and imagine myself leaping across the desk, taking Yahoo by the throat and banging his head into the putrid paneled wall behind him. Alas, I was not able to remain in fantasyland for long. I decided it would be better for me not to speak. I was so angry that I feared turning into Julia Sugarbaker if I allowed even one word to escape. BTW, did I mention that he reserved the wrong truck for us? Yes, we reserved a 14 footer, but got a 10' instead. Don't get me started.

Whew. Sorry for the rant.

So the move went well. I have been busy re-arranging, painting, cleaning and throwing stuff away. Now I can run and leap through the house like a true Broadway star - singing at the top of my lungs if I like. What fun! And the room, my goodness the room! Ahhh. I am in the process of setting up my studio. I am hoping to get backdrops and lights this week. YEAAAH!

I am on vacation this week and am having a blast, but I know I must crack down and inject some discipline very soon. I do believe that this new leg of my journey is a specific time of preparation that God intends to use to teach me some new things I will need for my future. While I am enjoying the new freedom, I must be careful not to waste it - which would be so easy to do with no one to hold me accountable. Unfortunately discipline has never been my strong suit - so I am going to have to make it a daily focus. I know that a lot of spiritual hard work lies ahead, but the growth and benefits of it will be astronomical. I can't wait to see what this new chapter brings!

How to use the left lane...

OK people, obviously we need a refresher course. For all the fruit loops out there who find it necessary to jump into the left lane on the freeway (or ANY 4+ lane road for that matter) and kick on the cruise control doing 20 mph less than the speed limit, this is for you (I have hi-lited the sections that may have some of you confused)...


(Click on the text to enlarge)












If you need further assistance, this was taken directly from the Alabama Driver Manual. PLEASE click on the link and print a copy. While you are whippin' down the interstate at a whopping 38 mph, maybe you can squeeze in a read...






















For manuals from states other than Alabama, go here.

The Office

In case you haven't heard, the Office won a well deserved Emmy last night for Outstanding Comedy Series. And in case you didn't know, the guy standing next to Steve Carell is B.J. Novak (who plays Ryan the intern) and he is one of the writers for the show...

















Unfortunately Steve Carell lost the award for best actor in a comedy series, but he is still hilarious!! We still love you, Steve!







My all time fave episode is where he steps on the George Foreman grill and burns his foot. Too funny!!





















And the sweetest love story EVER continues on September 21st! Click here to watch the preview. Oh, it melts my heart!! When Jim & Pam kissed last season, I jumped off the couch like a football fan watching a touchdown in the last 5 seconds of the game!! (Okay, so I need to get out more.)

The Big Move

Approximately 2 1/2 years ago, my dear friend Stacye (aka 'the Sister') moved in with me and my other roommate. Stacye and I can both be very obstinate (I'm sure my parents will offer a hearty 'Amen' to that one...). In the course of the last move, there were a few moments when the Sister and I wondered if either of us would make it out alive.

If you've ever moved, you know it is a stressful, emotional and potentially volatile time. At one point during the last move, there was a moment when all the stress and tension came boiling to the surface and the Sister and I stood inches apart like referee and coach, engaged in a heated discussion about what to place on the truck next. My mother had to step in and break us apart. We stomped off to the U-Haul, got in together, huffed and screeched off for our destination.

While unloading boxes at the second destination, I accidentally hit the Sister in the butt with a box while she was bent over doing who knows what. That force propelled her head first into the room of boxes. She came up fighting like a wildcat. By this time, I was so tired that everything was hilarious...so I started laughing. That only made matters worse.

We did have to go through an adjustment phase, but it all worked out. We've lived together for about 2 1/2 years, and now she is moving out. The big move is Saturday, and we can already feel the tension beginning to mount. We were laughing about it tonight as we sat amongst the tornado that is our home. Boxes and 'stuff' is piled everywhere. I think the anticipation of the mountain that lies ahead has us on edge. Who knows, there could be a body bag in someone's future.

Please pray for us this weekend. More importantly - pray for the poor unsuspecting souls that are coming to help us move. Then again, maybe a live WWF match right on the front lawn will provide high entertainment for everyone.

Photos

As most of you know, I am playing around with photography. Mostly just for fun. But I recently entered some photos in a little contest at the local photography club here in town, and one of them actually won "Honorable Mention." I feel pretty puffed up for this to be my first contest and all! I am getting ready to set up a studio at home in a couple of weeks, so if you're ever at the house, maybe you can see my little ribbon!

I just joined the photography club a couple of weeks ago, and I just set up my gallery on-line under the club's web-site. Most of the pictures are also on my other blog, but there are a few new ones here. Feel free to check it out if you like. I'm pretty excited about my new club and my new gallery! And I would LOVE your feedback, even if you think my work sucks! Practice makes perfect, and some good critiques can help push me in the right direction - so I welcome your comments.

My latest X File

Alas, I am home from yet another trip to the big city. I went to Atlanta last week for a class (total snorzville). I did, however, get to stay in the Westin. My yes, I felt quite hoity toity to be able to slumber under the watchful eye of the King and Queen... actually, it was more like "hillbilly circus come to town". Or maybe that movie Big Business with Lily Tomlin and Bette Midler. Yeah, that was us.

We pulled into the hotel in our sweet ride (Olds 88 with cracked windshield and paint chipped off the bumper - no offense, Jamie! My windshield is cracked too...). Being the high falutin' kind, we barreled right up to the front door. We jumped out in total Beverly Hillbilly style and started unloadin' our lives right onto the curb. The valet and bellmen stood aghast as we laid out pillows, bags of crackers and hair curlers - lookin' like we were prepared to withstand any sort of nuclear, seismic or weather-related disaster. The bellman brought over a luggage cart, and I started to load that thing like a girl straight off the farm. When we were done, Jamie went to "self-park" the car. No valet for us. We're from Alabama. We don't trust no big city slickers with our goods, no sir. Plus they wanted $12 a night to valet. I mean, were they planning to sleep in the car - give me a break.

As Jamie is off parking the car somewhere, I proceed into the hotel. As I turn to go, I grab the luggage cart and start heaving and huffing trying to get the thing rollin'. With a look of total astonishment and disbelief, James (the bellman), tells me that he will bring it up to the room for us. I stand there a moment, somewhat startled. Again, you want me to leave a box full of my panties and haircurlers out here on the curb and trust that you will bring them to me? Reluctantly, I turned and went inside. It's only then that I realize there are other people gathered outside the hotel.

While we were performing our hillbilly circus act, there were several people draped in black, wearing pointy-toed Prada's, and holding their Paris Hilton knock-off dogs under one arm. I'm sure they all stormed the desk immediately after our departure to demand a refund, not having been told there was a hick convention in town. Dahling.

As for the class, it was a total bore. I sat each day in a sea of golf shirts and sleepy eyes. We listened as hard as we could to the speaker lecture about various insurance topics. What can I say - unless you actually demonstrate a loss by setting something on fire, there ain't a whole lot you can do to make insurance interesting for eight hours a day. Luckily, I only did the sleepy head jerk thing a couple of times. And this year, no one fell out of their chair - so I'd call it a success!

Each night after class, we went out on the town. One night we met a friend of mine and went to some Fish Bowl or Goldfish restaurant. Here we are in this nice, upscale restaurant, complete with white linen napkins and they have some guy singing "Baby Got Back" lounge lizard style accompanied by the house piano. It seemed fitting that this should be the evening I try sushi for the first time. They tried to get me to use the chopsticks, but I told them that unless they expected me to spear the sushi, I had to go with the old stand-by fork. Anyway, I dipped it in the soy sauce and shoved the whole thing in as instructed. Something about the chemical make-up of the sushi mixed with my saliva caused the fish to grow and grow. The more I chewed, the more it grew. The more it grew, the more sensitive my gag reflex became. Not to worry - my Momma taught me well. If I can politely choke down tapioca at a church member's house, I can get down some sushi in a public place if I have to. But man, was it hard. Mind over matter, I was finally able to swallow it. No thanks, Fear Factor - been there, done that.

We also found a chocolate factory while we were there. Hallelujah! The minute you opened the door, it smelled like heaven. They made all kinds of things there, chocolate in almost any shape you can imagine. They even made champagne glasses, high-heeled shoes and baby carriages, not to mention little boxes with lids and chocolate dipped oreos. Can I get an Amen? I am contacting them to see about having a chocolate casket made for me when I pass.

All in all, it was a fairly uneventful trip. Truth be told, it was probably much more colorful in my own mind than in reality. Then again, life typically seems to follow that pattern for me.

A four letter word called Pride

The past few days God has been revealing to me the tremendous amount of pride I have living in me. For years, even since childhood, I have always been somewhat of a leader. My mind spins in a million directions at once. I am constantly churning out one idea after another. Speeches and phrases constantly float around inside my head and often roll off my tongue. From my youth, I have been one to throw out ideas, get the gang fired up, and get the ball rolling. Either my ideas are so stellar, my delivery is so inspiring or my personality is so charismatic that people are immediately entranced or they are all scared to death to offer any opposing ideas. Either way, I get my way - so who cares, right?

On the surface, all of this creativity and leadership business may seem like a gifting of some sort. These talents may reside within, but it is the condition of the heart - the home of the almighty motive - that is the problem. Recently, I ran into this brick wall at work. I was working on a project that was rather illogical, ridiculous and archaic - in my opinion. I threw in my two cents to no avail. I could hold my breath until my face turned blue, but it won't matter. This time I don't get my way. I was amazed at how much that bothered me.

This incident launched an indepth examination of the heart for me. While that exam is still in progress, I have already learned some very valuable things about myself. One is my difficulty with pride and submission. I like to be in control and I want to come out shiny and smellin' good on the other side. And if people want to admire me and rave about how wonderful I am, so be it. The problem is I am supposed to be living my life for God's glory - not mine. Oh yeah, that.

The deeper I delve into this subject, the more God reveals to me. He has shown me how rebellious, self-centered, and stubborn I am. Delayed gratification is a four letter word to me (my checkbook and weight are only a few of the physical manifestations of that one). I admit it. I like to be admired. I love complements. I want my very own pedestal. Man, is that hard to swallow. I look at my dreams and desires for the future, and I question every single one. Do I hope to someday become a writer or have a speaking ministry for God's glory or for mine? How do I expect to be submissive to my husband when I cannot submit to God? What makes me think I can be faithful to a husband when I cannot be faithful to God with my thoughts? The questions go on and on.

As I read Proverbs 31 and sit in awe of this woman, I am intrigued by the end of the chapter. After 17 verses describing what a Superwoman this chick is, verse 28 says her children and husband bless her and praise her. Verse 31 says, "Let her deeds publicly declare her praise." And I wonder how she reconciles her abilities and accomplishments with her heart - is pride not an issue for her? Then I read the end of verse 30, "...a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." Ahh.

I wonder what I have feared more - God or the opinions and acceptance of others? I so long to use the talents and gifts God has given me to enrich the lives of others and to do it all for God's glory. Yet I so often find my own glory getting in the way. I pray that God will give me a spirit of humility and a holy reverent fear of Him. I have been afraid to pray for God to break my pride because I don't particularly relish the idea of what that may involve, but I know it is absolutely necessary. So I ask you to join me in that prayer. Pray it for me. If you struggle with this as well, speak up and we'll pray for you too!

BTW if you see me standing naked on the interstate or witness me somehow being called out in the middle of Sunday morning worship or something worse, please bear with me as you will know God is performing an embalming of sorts on my prideful spirit!

Buck Naked Faith

OK. I have to tell you about a new book I am reading. The name of it is "Buck Naked Faith." (Sorry for all you pervs who happened upon this post as a result of a misguided word search...) I am only 17 pages in, and already I'm hooked. The book opens with this statement, "Sex with a stranger wasn't supposed to end this way." You think that's intriguing? The story that follows is AMAZING. I was breathless after I read it. Won't tell you why - read it yourself.

Yes, this is a Christian book that takes a deep look into all the crap that stunts our spiritual growth. The first chapter that I mentioned previously is so thought provoking - it alone is worth the price of the book.

Here are some tiny nibbles from another passage:

"One of my deepest temptations is to practice a lifestyle that appears to be a faithful friendship with Christ but really isn't. To be a Cheese Puff Christian - lots of volume but little substance. Cheese Puffs take up space in the bowl, but crush them and you're lucky to get a tablespoon of substance out of them..."

"Have I measured the genuineness of my faith by how well I'm performing, or by how well Jesus and I are doing? Am I willing to admit that in a world of marshmallow spirituality my faith and relationship with Jesus the Master may be lacking? Something in my spirit keeps crying out, 'There must be more!'"

"Sometimes moments of tension are actually God's grace leading us to a crisis of decision."

The book starts off talking about walking the walk. Are we really who we say we are? I won't ruin the book for you, but so far I'm sold!! He is hitting my target square on. I so desperately want something more, something deeper. To be the real thing. Umm Umm Good Stuff!!

I am also reading Blue Like Jazz. I'm only about 19 pages into this one, but it rocks! I'll give you more details on that one next time. I suddenly have a stack of books to read. I admit, I have a problem. I am a book junkie. If you recommend a good book to me, in my quest to purchase it - I will probably also buy 4 others. That's what happened to me a week or so ago. But, hey. It's like Christmas in July for me. I order my books from Amazon.com and then get little packages in the mail. What fun!!

Happy Birthday Momma!!

Today is my mom's birthday. I hate to have to tell you this, but I have the best mom in the world. I know most people grow up thinking their's is the best, but sorry - I actually got the true blue, genuine, A-1, first-rate best mom on the planet. None can top her.







This is mom in 1970 in Japan. What a hottie!

Happy birthday Momma!!!! I love you (even though you gave me your middle name!).

Boys and their toys

I have to say, men crack me up. I love how silly they can be. It always brings a smile to my face to see how grown men act just like little kids when they have something electronic, shiny, loud or fast in their possession. And if you can add fire or an explosion - all the better. I love the look that creeps across their face as their eyes widen and the grin slowly begins to form, right before they start nodding their heads and say, "Cool!" I love how crude they can be (truthfully, they are only saying what all the girls are really thinking but are too 'ladylike' to say). I love their sense of adventure, and the fact that they don't care (or even notice) if someone else is dressed like them. Most of all, I love the fact that their adventurous spirit knows nothing of age. I have seen a grandpa's eyes sparkle with fascination when presented with a new "toy."

Recently a good friend of mine emailed me to make sure I knew the new XBox SEC College Football game had come out. I don't even have an XBox. He was so excited that he left work at lunch to go pick his copy up from the store (a copy that he pre-ordered months ago, I'm sure). He then told me about how his best friend (grown man, married with 3 kids) had come to town one weekend and they spent half the weekend playing with his new "toys." He just purchased some ginormous TV. He also has a killer surround sound system that makes the walls shake. I can just picture these 2 grown men sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of this huge TV like 2 little boys. And it brings a smile to my face.

Ladies, I know we may not get as excited about fast cars, 60 inch TVs, massive stereo systems or explosives like the guys do - but we could stand to learn a thing or two from them. Sometimes, we just need to throw our hair in ponytails, forget the make-up and perfume and just go sniff out some adventure (all too often, our adventure consists of plotting to find the perfect man...). Throw caution to the wind every once in a while. Run through your neighbors sprinklers. Play a video game. Blow something up (in a completely controlled environment, of course). Sometimes we just need to let go and surrender to our inner child.

If you are sitting at home wondering why your man hasn't called, it's probably because he's out lighting something on fire with his buddies and time has escaped him. Oh, one more thing...I would also suggest you learn a thing or two about a small brown spherical object that is slightly pointed on each end and flies through the air. For some reason, this mystical creature emerges in the Fall and is worshipped by millions. Small charismatic house churches are formed all over the country in celebration of its existence. There are dance moves, chants, sometimes even spiritual bursts of exuberance, and a whole new language that must be learned in order to join this sect - but there must be something to it. It can evoke more emotion from a man than 20 Lifetime movies put together.

Ah, yes. Men. They are a magical lot. Simple observance of them is adventure in and of itself. Thank you, guys, for making us laugh and keeping life interesting. We love you just the way you are (and remember, we are always here if you ever want to talk about your feelings...)!

(This is me and my friend Ronnie. We were making mud-pies. I don't know if I was trying to domesticate him or if he was trying to ungirlify me...)

Where was I?

I had no idea how easily distracted I am until a few minutes ago when I had to leave the computer to go look for a serial killer.

Let me explain. I am sitting at my computer, and I hear the "beep beep beep" sound that my alarm system makes when an exterior door in my house is opened. My roommate is out shopping, so no one should be coming in. Mildly concerned, I get up from my desk, assume the "let's go check for serial killers" stance, and proceed to walk through the house.

Luckily, I found no serial killers - however, here's what I did find. A pile of videos in the middle of the hallway. 5 or 6 shopping bags in the middle of the living room floor. My DVD player sitting there with the tray open, no DVD.

Backtrack with me a moment. I went shopping this morning with a friend. I came home from shopping, and dropped a bunch of bags on the living room floor. My plan was to sit down and wrap some gifts. I decided to pop in a movie to watch while wrapping. I got up, ejected a movie from the DVD player and went into the hallway looking for a new selection. As I looked, somehow I decided I needed to weed out my movie collection and toss some in the yard sale pile. After doing this, my DVD shelf had more room and some of the shelves needed to be re-arranged. I got up to come into my office to look for the extra little brackety things you use to adjust the height level of the shelves. I didn't find them, so I decided to sit down and check my email. Somehow I ended up blog surfing and here I am. The trail of unfinished projects I left behind is still winding through the house (and I still haven't found the little brackety things).

I'm always joking with my friends who have children and telling them that I probably shouldn't be allowed to have kids. I can barely get myself out the door with all my clothes on (and on time, no less) - much less with someone else to worry about. I hate to think what today's scene might look like if I did have kids. I can just see one of them all soaped up in the tub - turning all wrinkly because I left to get a towel and ended up re-arranging the living room furniture.

So Melannie, when was it that you needed me to watch Emily for you?

True Worship

I have to tell you about a worship experience I had the other night. I went to a contemporary praise & worship service at a local church with a few friends. They had a band, big screens with the words to songs on them, smoke machines, the works. While it was all good, it faded into the background when I noticed the most beautiful angels sitting on the row in front of us.

We sat maybe four rows from the front. The row in front of us was inhabited by one family - what appeared to be a single dad and three daughters, all spread out. The lights were dim, music was loud, everyone was singing, a few were even dancing. Several shouted "Hallelujahs" from the rows in the back. As we stood to sing, I looked down and the youngest child had fallen asleep with her head in her father's lap. She had the most beautiful, sweet expression of complete peace on her face. How she could sleep in the midst of all the noise is beyond me. But there she was, completely out of place with the environment around her. Her father gently stroked her hair as he sang. And I worshipped in that moment. Pure love exhibited so clearly right before my eyes.

As the evening rolled on, the music never got quieter - only slower. Before long, I noticed another of the daughters. She was sitting close to the end of the row, a little separated from her older sister. She couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 years old. A white bow in her hair that could have been angels wings. One of her hands was malformed, it looked as if it had not developed properly. At one point during some song that I can't recall, she clasped her tiny little hands together - one healthy and normal, the other withered and misshapen. She clasped those perfect little hands together and bowed her head. No one had prompted her to do this. Everyone else was still singing. And there she was. And I worshipped in that moment. Pure unadulterated worship displayed right before my very eyes.

Oh, God definitely showed up that night. But it wasn't in the worship leader or the praise team. Not in the smoke machines or the fancy screens. I couldn't even tell you what the pastor spoke about. But those 2 little angels right there in our midst - that's where I saw Him. It was so vivid, so alive. His presence was so powerful, that the guitars, drums and keyboards all faded into the background. And all I could hear was the brush of angels wings mingled with the sounds of children's laughter. You know - the sound smiles make that can only be heard by the heart.

Salad Shooter days

Sometimes life is a Salad Shooter and you are the veggie. My recent grand proclamation of rest was followed by one of the worst weeks I've had in a while. All hell broke loose at work. I almost lost $2.4 million. We had a Home Office audit (aka a week long root canal and/or rectal exam). My dog had a barfing spell. And the brakes on my car went on the fritz.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That week just made me tired. Luckily I had a 4 day weekend over the 4th. The rest I had planned for the week prior did finally come. Funnily enough, now I am so well rested that I can't sleep at night.

Taking a step back and looking at life on this earth from a broad brush perspective, we all have Salad Shooter days, weeks, months or even years. I know that one won't be my last. But it's all part of life. And somewhere along the way, God uses it all to make a tasty salad or slaw that will bring glory to Him.

When Joseph's brothers threw him in the pit in Genesis 37, I'm sure he wasn't thinking, "Oh boy! I am about to be sold into slavery. Woo Hoo!" And so he was pressed through the blades of life. While he did come out on the other side a kaleidoscopic version of his former self, he was the better for it in the end. He recognizes this in Genesis 50:20 when he tells his brothers, " You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done..."

Rather than working through difficult times, seeking to learn what we can or looking with hope to see how God might use our trials, so often we get stuck between the blades focusing on our plight - never going anywhere. Maybe the sounds of our groanings echoing off the walls of the blender become some twisted form of comfort like the wooshy wub wub sounds of the womb. Who knows. But if we set up housekeeping in the blades of the Salad Shooter, wallowing in our troubles, never learning or growing from them - we will begin to stank like rotten cabbage.

Maybe we will continue to go through the grinder until we are ground as fine as sand. If that is the consistency we need to be in order to fit God's recipe for us, then probably so. Avoiding the process altogether won't do us any good either. An uncut head of lettuce sitting in the middle of the salad bowl doesn't do anyone any good (and it makes the host look a little crazy). Truthfully, I'm not sure we could avoid those blender times even if we wanted to. Much of what makes those times so cutting is the lack of control we feel, or the injustice we suffered that placed us there in the first place.

Whether you're dodging the blades at the bottom of the blender, being slung out of the Shooter and into the bowl, or getting a little slimy from hiding under a blade, it doesn't always feel like these circumstances will be used for God's glory. But I would like to leave you with these verses from the Message Bible:
"Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner." -1 Peter 4:12-13

Have hope. Be of good cheer. God has a plan, and He is not asleep!