Creation

I don't know about you, but I am a creation junky. When I get into the creative zone, I lose all track of time and find it hard to stop. I love that feeling of being awake at 2:00 A.M., eyes all red, body tired - yet so exhilarated by the project at hand you can't figure how it got to be so late. I've been there many times, often covered in paint or knee deep in something.

My former roommate used to make fun of me because I say everything takes 20 minutes. Maybe I think that because it only feels like 20 minutes when I am in that zone. In the same way a thousand years is as a day and a day a thousand years to God, so it is with me and creative time. I have been known to go to my bedroom with the intention of going to bed only to end up re-arranging furniture for several hours. When I get that itch, I can't sit still (or sleep) until I've done something about it. And with me, there typically are no simple projects. I seem to have a flair for the elaborate (what can I say, one idea sparks another and another and another...).

As I was on my way home from photography class tonight, I passed a small store with the windows mostly covered in paper. The lights were on inside, and through one uncovered window I could see a couple of people inside unpacking, organizing, etc. I wondered if they were simply moving an existing business or if they were starting something new. It was late, and I wondered if they had that tired feeling in their bones. I twinge of envy passed through my body. There is nothing quite like the sense of accomplishment you experience after you've poured your heart and soul into creating something. And, oh the sweet sleep that follows when you fall into bed almost to the point of sheer exhaustion.

While I know God does not grow tired, I can only imagine Him during the Creation. Forming, shaping, painting things with brilliant colors, then standing back to take a look. Adding a little more, make a change here, tweek there. Ah, now - that's it! Then at the end of the process, He kicks back to chill and enjoy that feeling of completion. That "it is finished" feeling.

I can't help but think of another "it is finished" moment. You know the one. The moment that suspended Creation between Heaven and Earth. The moment that made it possible for us to anticipate the final "it is finished" moment with joy. Can you imagine the collective sigh of completion we will all experience when we are all in Heaven? For God, He can kick back now that His kids are home. For us, we can finally relax and kick off our shoes. Kind of like that feeling you get when returning home from a long trip. We'll all be there together, with that fullness in our bones, that sense of completion and wholeness. It is finished. Woohoo! I can't wait! But I do wonder how long it will take before I start wanting to re-arrange the furniture in my mansion! ;)

Not Alone

Eureka!! I have finally met someone with as many crazy stories as me! We have a new girl at work who seems to be trapped in a comic strip life like me. Now the pressure's off! Finally, I'm not alone. She was telling me stories today about setting her hair on fire. At least when I set myself on fire, it was only my pajamas. She also told me about a time when she drove a lawn mower up to the gas station so she could buy a coke. I never did that. My driving stories only involve stealing a car at age 14, getting pulled over by the military police, peeling my tires through an intersection in front of a cop, getting "lost" on the army base and ending up behind the targets on the firing range, 3 accidents, 1 ticket that involved court, blowing the engine out of a car, driving a car with a poltergeist, drag racing in a minivan, and a couple of others I won't mention.

Okay, so it appears I might be a little out ahead in the wild stories department. But hey, she is a few years younger than me, so she has plenty of time to catch up. Maybe I can be her mentor.

A Rose is a Rose

I heard this song years ago, but had almost forgotten about it until God brought it before me today. I really needed this word from Him, and I sense there are others who need it to. These are the words to a song entitled "A Rose is a Rose" written by Wayne Kirkpatrick and recorded by Susan Ashton:

You're at a stand still
You're at an impass
Your mountain of dreams
Seems harder to climb

By those who have made you
Feel like an outcast
Cause you dare to be different
So they're drawing a line

They say you're a fool
They feed you resistance
They tell you you'll never go very far
But they'll be the same ones
That stand in the distance
Alone in the shadow
Of your shining star

Chorus:
Just keep on the same road
And keep on your toes
And just keep your heart steady as she goes
And let them call you what they will
It don't matter
A rose by any name is still a rose

The kindness of strangers
It seems like a fable
But they've yet to see
What I see in you

But you can make it
If you are able
To believe in yourself
The way I do

(chorus)

Cause a deal is a deal
In the heart of a dream
And a spade is a spade
If you know what I mean
And a rose is a rose is a rose

To deal with the scoffers
Well, it's part of the bargain
They heckle from back rows
And they bark at the moon

Their flowers are fading
In time's bitter garden
But yours is only
Beginning to bloom

So keep on the same road
And keep on your toes
And just keep your heart steady as she goes
And let them call you what they will
Just remember
A rose by any name is still a rose

Being in the corporate world is so hard. Some days I feel so out of place that I want to come home and crawl under the covers. Some days I just don't think I can go back. My job, in and of itself, is great. I enjoy it. Even my co-workers are nice, and we all get along. But we are not of the same ilk. We do not value and pursue the same things. Since there are more of them than there are of me, I often feel like a kid on the playground who's not invited to play with the others. Funny how I never really experienced that as a child, but as an adult that feeling is more real that I'd like to admit. While I do not want to be a part of their world, it is still tiring to feel so out of place all the time. And sometimes it can wear pretty thin.

Many times I have wished I could quit my job and move to a monastery type place and just sit in the presence of God for a good long while. No more phone calls. No more business deals. No more malls or shoe shopping. Just me and God. Then slowly a few family/friends at a time could come in. We'd pray and just bask in the glory of God. Reflect on His word and share what He has spoken to us.

Last night He told me to read Luke 12. I wasn't sure what Luke 12 was about specifically, so I turned there. Here are a few things He wanted me to realize from that chapter:
1. Jesus also experienced a sense of overwhelming by the crowds (v 1)
2. Be more concerned with what effect God will have on you than what effect man will have on you (v 4-5)
3. Don't be afraid or discouraged. God is right there. He sees you, and you are not alone or out of His reach. (v 6-7)
4. Although it may be scary and may make you feel like an outcast, God expects us to acknowledge Him in our lives, no matter what (v 8-9)
5. Do not waste time focusing on money, power or anything else of this world - it is worthless (v 21)
6. Don't worry about anything, big or small. Again, anything and everything of this world is temporary. Make God your priority! (v 22-31)
7. Not only should you not worry about things of this world, take what you do have and give it away or use it to help someone else (v 33-34)
8. Live every minute as if Jesus is in the clouds, on His way back for the 2nd coming. (v 35-47)
9. Be careful what you wish/ask for. The more you have, the more expected of you (v48)
10. Don't expect to "fit in" with the world. Jesus came not to bring peace, but to bring division. If you are living for Him, expect to suffer from severed and strained relationships with those who do not believe (v 49-53)

Life is hard. It's not fair. And a lot of times it flat out sucks. Satan uses our alienation from the world to amplify feelings of loneliness or insecurity. He takes what may be a crack in the sidewalk and makes it appear to be an impassable chasm. We live in a realm of distortion. Life here on earth is not comfortable. It's not supposed to be. Remember, people of the world are living it up now because this is as close as they will ever get to heaven. On the flip side, it is as close to hell as we'll ever get. We live with discomfort now because it points us to our Eternal Relief. Our partying days have not yet begun.

Hang in there. God is but a whisper away. He sees all, knows all and loves all. We are not alone, and this life is not for naught. We are here for a reason. So while we might want to quit our jobs and sit in a monastery somewhere, God has a different purpose for us. Times will come when we become weary, and that's okay. Even Jesus needed to step away, revive and regroup before facing the crowds again.

Crawl into your Father's lap and get a good night's sleep. It'll make all the difference in the world.

Delayed Promises

I have been going to a Bible study on Thursday nights that is based on Beth Moore's study on the Patriarchs. This week, God spoke so many things to my impatient heart. I am so glad we serve a God that looks on us lovingly as we dance around with ants in our pants waiting for prayers to be answered. My heart is warmed when I realize that He has reached into my heart to calm me and gently remind me that waiting on Him will always bring rewards.

In Genesis 12, God promises Abram blessings, fame, and land. Abram goes to the land and shortly thereafter, famine comes. Gee, thanks - right? Abram books it down to Egypt to wait out the famine. We don't know if God told him to go there, or if he went of his own volition. I speculate as to whether he went there under God's direction because he was so afraid that he lied about Sarai being his wife.

Let's assume he did go of his own accord. Is running ahead of God or stepping outside His plan what caused Abram to lose trust in God to protect him? A shifting focus from God to self-preservation can cause one to lose perspective and fall prey to temptation. Was it a mere lack of trust that caused Abram to lie? Could selfishness have been a factor? Could one breathe life into the other? In the end, Abram's lie is exposed and he is sent packing. This part of the story has always baffled me a little. It appears that Abram is basically rewarded for lying. He amassed great wealth while in Egypt, many gifts from the pharaoh. Then with a stern word, he is given his wife, all his belongings and sent on his way. That's it? No lightning bolt or anything? Hmmm.

Remember the famine? I am operating under the assumption Abram high-tailed it to Egypt under no direction from God, got himself into a mess, and now in chapter 13 is heading back toward Bethel where they had camped before. Verse 4 says, "This was the place where Abram had built the altar, and there he again worshiped the Lord." He seems to be getting back on track. Now he is so wealthy that the land cannot support both him and Lot and all their possessions. So he graciously offers Lot first choice of the land. Lot looks around and picks the best, most fertile land for himself. Yet again, this wonderful blessing Abram is supposed to receive seems to be like the short end of the wishbone. But look at what follows in verse 14 of chapter 13.

"After Lot was gone, the Lord said to Abram, 'Look as far as you can see in every direction. I am going to give all this land to you and your offspring as a permanent possession."

He finally takes a step back, puts someone else first and it seems he is getting the shaft again - then God steps in and gives him everything. Abraham seems to be the man of the delayed promise. It appears that he is always going to end up with the bootleg version of a blessing or that somehow his blessing will be temporary or taken away completely. Later he is promised a son, then met with another delay. Again, he takes matters into his own hands and tries to create the blessing for himself. Finally, after the promised son is given, God tells Abraham to sacrifice him.

God used this cycle of promise-delay-sacrifice in Abraham's life to strengthen his faith. If Abraham was tempted to take matters into his own hands and "help God along" maybe that's why he had to endure the same lesson more than once. Maybe he tended to take "ownership" of things more than he should. Maybe God had to train him to a point where he truly viewed everything as belonging to God.

I frequently find myself caught up in this same cycle. I will receive a promise, then comes the delay. Sometimes it appears that someone else is getting to cash in on the promise instead of me. And sometimes God calls me to sacrifice it altogether. I am so stubborn, greedy and hard-headed. If only I would learn from Abraham's progress and return to the altar of the Lord. Lay my "possessions" at his feet and be truly willing to sacrifice it all to Him.

I know I go through times of famine and delay because I have tried to pack my own tent so full of junk that it is bulging at the seams. I cling to that tent with all my might. But how can I embrace God when my hands are holding so tightly onto other things?

I must make my way back toward Bethel where I once worshipped the Lord. And I must again worship him. I need to allow others in my life the freedom to grow, and I need to put them first and let them go. I need to stand empty-handed before my Lord and let Him fill me up in His own time. Only then will I be ready to receive and humble enough to be used.

Internet Predators

In case you haven't heard, Dateline NBC has a new program out called "To Catch a Predator" which is about catching adults who attempt to solicit underage children on-line for sex. I don't know why I watch it because it makes me so upset, but if I happen to turn on the TV and it's on, I always end up watching it. Their latest episode was on one night this week, and I was appalled at the new twist that seemed to arise. Every episode usually has at least one incident that will cause your jaw to drop, but this one caused my heart to break.

Each episode they broadcast from a different city. They've been in New York, California, Florida, and this week they were in Ohio. They wanted to see if men who lived in rural areas, quiet towns, miles from any big cities would be as predatory as in the larger cities of previous episodes. Unfortunately, perversion and hormones run just as strong whether you are in the city or out in the sticks. Some of these guys would drive hours to get to the undercover house. But the new twist that was introduced here was religion. Over and over again, these men would come in and talk about God, church, religion. Some wore crosses around their necks. One was from a Christian school. Keep in mind these men were there with the notion they would be having sex with a 14 year old girl. They had copies of their on-line chats that were so graphic they couldn't read them on TV. But when they were busted, they tried playing the "religion" card.

At first I was speechless. I still can't decide what to think. I know that Christian men struggle with lust and all the things of the flesh. I know they are human. That doesn't make it right for them to seek out sex with children, but I am saying that I know they aren't immune to temptation. What breaks my heart is the damage these men did to the Kingdom of God by going on national TV and trying to use God as a 'get out of jail free' card. For a moment, I thought, "Well - maybe it will help the world to see that Christians aren't perfect and they also struggle." But that feeling was soon overridden by dismay.

These days it is often difficult, if not impossible to see the difference between Christians and non-Christians. Yes, Christians struggle. But many times it seems we aren't even fighting temptation any more. We find ourselves in the pig slop, wallowing around right along side the world. No wonder so many people are turned off to Christianity. Why would they want to dedicate themselves to a life that so often is fraught with hypocrisy? We are supposed to look different from everyone else. We are supposed to live differently than the world. Yet so often, we show up one after the other - seeking the very things that eat our souls alive, the things God hates.

I guess this is such a pet peeve for me because I see it so much in my own life. Don't worry, I don't surf the net looking for children to have sex with - but I often see myself blending in with my co-workers. Is my speech different from theirs? Do I laugh at the same jokes they do? When they get in my car to go to lunch, what will they hear playing in my CD player? Does my life look like one that belongs to God? Do they see me serving them and others as I should? Do I join in on the gossip circuit? Does my anger boil over into tyrannical ranting? Do I seek to get ahead regardless of who I may be stepping on? Are all my business deals above board and fair? Do I play by the rules? Can they trust me? Do I think more highly of myself than I ought? The list could go on and on.

I don't want to have to get busted on national TV or in the boardroom before I decide to play the "God" card. I want everyone to look at me like I am crazy and make fun of me at cocktail parties because I am the only one not drinking and cussing. I want them to excuse themselves when they tell off color jokes or use filthy language around me. I want them to know they can come to me with the darkest secret of their lives, and KNOW it will be safe with me. I want them to feel appreciated, loved, encouraged, protected and respected by me. I want them to look at my business portfolio and know that every account in it is one that was developed with honesty and integrity. I want them to see me treat my most vile clients with the utmost respect. I want them to see that I am joyfully different and filled with inexplicable peace no matter the circumstance. God has called us to live this life.

We all struggle. I know I sure do. While my sin may not be quite as public as Dateline NBC, I am reminded by that show that my actions do speak volumes to those around me. What kind of influence am I having for the Kingdom? Are my struggles overwhelming me to the point I look no different than the world? If so, I say we must take radical steps to move back toward God. We are SUPPOSED to look different than the world.

"Loving God means keeping his commandments, and really, that isn't difficult. For every child of God defeats this evil world by trusting Christ to give the victory. And the ones who win this battle against the world are the ones who believe that Jesus is the Son of God.

We know that those who have become part of God's family do not make a practice of sinning, for God's Son holds them securely, and the evil one cannot get his hands on them. We know that we are children of God and that the world around us is under the power and control of the evil one. And we know that the Son of God has come, and he has given us understanding so that we can know the true God. And now we are in God because we are in his Son, Jesus Christ. He is the only true God, and he is eternal life. Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God's place in your hearts."

I John 5:3-5;18-21

Sometimes I look at myself and the world around me and wonder if I will ever live up. Will I ever be the dynamic person God has called me to be? Will the desire in my heart ever become stronger than the fear in my mind? Funny how I often long for perfection, yet God always works so powerfully through weakness. Oh, that my weaknesses would be perfection in His hands.

Home again, at last!

Well, I am back from another jaunt to Atlanta. Only one more this month and I will be done with Atlanta for June. I feel like I have been living out of a suitcase lately! Sadly enough, in a couple of weeks I'll go back to Atl, come home for a day or two, then I'm off to Memphis. Not that I'm complaining! I feel very fortunate to be able to travel the way I do. In fact, I'm afraid it has begun to spoil me a little...nice hotels, great food (all on someone else's dime!).

Anyway, I must relay to you my latest from the ATL. I only boast of my progress because I was so timid about Atlanta merely months ago. I used to enter the fair city with white knuckles and trembling knees. While I am still cautious, I am falling into step slowly but surely. This week, I was able to navigate my way around to several places without directions, maps or anything. And I'm a-learnin' the lingo. I took my boss with me this time, and when I started telling him we needed to find the "king and queen" and that this particular place was ITP, he looked at me like I had two heads. I had to laugh.

Anyway, while I am slowly being wooed by the city of Atlanta, I did have a couple of hilarious near-death experiences this week. They are hilarious to me because I have such a warped sense of humor. I can see humor in almost anything if I look hard enough. And, like my mother, when I see something off the wall that makes me laugh - well, the more I laugh, the funnier it becomes. Then the mere fact that I am the only one laughing makes me laugh even harder. Sorry, getting side-tracked.

Back to the brushes with death. I was almost bitten on the head by a gigantic Rottweiller in the parking lot of a Home Depot. Luckily, the car window he tried to jump through wasn't open another inch or so. He could only get his head and upper torso out the window. As I was wedged between our cars, he lunged for me with his lips curled revealing razor-sharp teeth that glistened in the sun. Each rabid snarling bark produced foamy saliva that dripped from his chin. I, of course, was unaware of his presence until I heard this deafening bark and felt the hot breath on my neck.

Second, the hotel I normally stay at was completely booked. So I had no option but to seek shelter elsewhere. I found a nice little hotel on-line, a brand I was familiar with. The room was even $40 cheaper per night. That should have been my first clue (never again will I book a room that rents for less than $100 a night). As we pulled into the parking lot, I began to laugh hysterically. What the internet portrayed as a modern, updated, nice hotel was in reality owned and operated by the Bates family. My boss' groans from the driver's seat only made the moment that much funnier. I told him it couldn't be all bad. After all, there was a Farrari in the parking lot. Turns out that belonged to a "mobile pharmacist" if you catch my meaning. When we got up to our rooms, my boss had to use his shoulder to force his door open. The sheets were pepto pink. And there was a lovely blend of sirens in the background.

Best of all was the traffic. We were almost squished by an 18-wheeler that changed lanes on top of us. And we janked up the transmission somehow, and ended up driving all the way home with the engine light on. I, of course, was laughing so hard that I had tears streaming down my face. I think exhaustion had begun to set in.

So all in all, it was an interesting trip to say the least. I loved every minute of it. And best of all, I got to have lunch at the Rexall Drug Store in Duluth. That place is almost worth the drive just by itself! If you've never been, you've got to put it on your list of things to do. Let me know, and I'll take you if you want. It is like stepping into Mayberry. It's the weirdest thing. Everyone in there knows each other. And they must have a fleet of granny's back there in the kitchen because that food is slap yo' mama good! It's something everyone must experience for himself.

Enough of my travels for now. Must get sleep...

Photos

The photo shoot of the 3 year old twins went well on Saturday - right up until the end. Luckily we were almost done when Alex decided to dive head first into the fountain in front of Shakespeare. It was priceless. And, yes I got a picture of it! (Go to my other blog to check it out)

I just love kids. They have such a wonderful spirit of adventure. The twins I took pictures of on Saturday are 3 years old as I said. One is a boy and one is a girl. It's so funny to watch the differences in siblings. When Alyssa was told to stand and pose, she would remain as still as her 3 year old little body could stand. Eventually she would begin to dance in place and twirl her dress around. But Alex, on the other hand... We would try to get him to pose for a shot, and we'd look up and he would be off in a flower bed or behind some bushes or running up a hill or diving into the fountain. It was a blast! Not only are siblings different, but boys and girls are so different as well.

I think the parents get more uptight on these photo shoots than I do. I guess they think I am secretly fuming and thinking their kids are the worst on the planet. Actually it's quite the opposite. Kids are kids. They run, play and explore. If they didn't my pictures would be boring! So I love every minute of it. Besides I have a super long zoom lens, so let 'em run - I can still photograph them from a long ways off!

Anyway - today was my first day back at work after being in Atlanta last week. Things were CRAZY as usual. I was reminded of those sweet little twins. I know I need to get some work done eventually, but I also need to take time to dance in place, twirl my dress, hide behind a cubicle and jump in the proverbial fountain from time to time. We adults are far too serious most of the time!!

Falling for ATL

Well, I successfully made it back from Atlanta this week. Had to go there on business. After several trips now, I feel like I am starting to get used to the traffic. I must be getting comfy because I actually started to dose off on I-285. And I engaged an 18-wheeler in lane wars at one point. Hey, I can't help it he couldn't read the signs that excluded him from entering the 2 left lanes. But I made sure he knew about it! (And, yes, I made it out alive).

I have to say, I love a city where driving 25 miles over the speed limit is the norm. Only problem is when I get back to MGM, I have to "detox" and slow it down a bit. I have gotten very proficient in bobbing and weaving in and out of traffic though. In fact, some of my co-workers are a little afraid to ride with me now! Just wait until I take them to the ATL! I can change lanes with only inches to spare. I'm so proud.

I found out this week that I will now be going to ATL at least once a month, possibly twice. What's more - a friend of mine just told me I could use his condo when I am in town. Well- he's moving to MGM and it is for sale - so I can use it until it sells. Even so, it's ITP and only a mile from the mall. What more could a girl ask for!!

I gotta tell ya - ATL used to wig me out because it's so big. But it is growing on me. I mean, hey - if I can sleep in 8 lane traffic doing 80 mph - I must be morphing into a native! All I need now is a Bluetooth, a Blackberry, a laptop, and some Prada and I should be set!

In other news tonight, I was in downtown MGM earlier this evening at Jubilee City Fest. I was commissioned to take some nighttime photos for a magazine cover. Anyway - I have to say that our fair city is not the most attractive of places when littered with road blocks, orange traffic cones, and drunks. Needless to say, I only got 1 or 2 decent shots. I guess I am going to have to go back down there some time this weekend and try again. I have a photo shoot with 3 year old twins tomorrow afternoon. Maybe I can venture out again after that.

By the way, for those of you who know about my sod-laying incident - it seems to be doing alright. However - my dad informed me today that I needed to move some of it. I am in complete and total despair! Luckily I still don't have my voice completely back yet, so I couldn't scream when he told me.

Oh well, sorry for the randomness of this one. I've been out of pocket for a week or so. And it is 1:03 AM after all. I really can't be held responsible for my actions...

Adullam House

Yesterday I went with a group of people to help out at a children's home named the Adullam House. The children there all have mothers in prison. Their fathers are MIA as well. The entire experience was fraught with mixed emotion for me. As we drove up, there were children running and playing on the front lawn. At first glance, it seemed like any other normal home.

We went there to play with the children or do whatever else was needed in order to give the staff a short break for a few hours. Upon our arrival, we learned that there are many volunteers. Some groups come from other cities and may stay for a couple of weeks at a time. They also help with the children as well as doing construction work around the property. They are in the process of building additional housing and a chapel.

The day we went, the place was a flurry of activity. Children and adults were everywhere. Inside. Outside. Cooking, cleaning, playing, working. It was almost too much for me. I am still trying to take it all in. They have children ranging in age from 4 weeks to 15 years. In speaking with the director, I learned that she had just received a phone call from the prison telling her that another mother had gone into labor. So they were expecting another new born.

The scene we saw when first arriving, one of children running and laughing soon became one of sadness for me. I took up with a 3 month old little boy named Jacoby. In fact, I carried him around almost the entire time I was there. I got to rock him, feed him, be thrown up on by him, change him and put him down for a nap. As I sat gazing at this beautiful baby, I couldn't help but think of his mother. I wondered what she was doing at that moment as I rocked her little boy. Was she sitting in her cell thinking of him? I wondered if he looked like her. I wondered if she wanted him. How long would it be before they could be reunited? I wondered what it must feel like to be a mother and know that someone else was holding your child. I think it must be one of the most torturous things to endure.

At one point I took Jacoby onto the front porch. As I sat there in a rocking chair, we watched the older children run and play. Another little boy came and crawled into my lap. Another volunteer sat opposite me in another rocking chair with another small baby. I began to watch the children and the volunteers. As I watched, one thing I noticed were the grandfathers. We had 4 that went with us that day. My heart melted as I observed these men serving these children. Bud and Melvin manned the grill, cooking lunch for all these people. Mark ran around tossing the football with several of the boys. Dick sat under a tree talking to a teenager. Another guy that went with us was sitting in the grass with probably 10 children around him as he talked to and played with them. Others were blowing bubbles and throwing frisbees.

There is something about seeing a man play with a child that really gets me. I guess I'm not that moved when I see women interact with children because it is in our nature. I see women caring for children all the time. But to see these men, especially these grandfathers taking time to come and help these children - for some reason, there just are no words. There is something different, something special about a man's influence over children. Look at all the statistics regarding a father's presence in the home. I am so grateful for the example of those grandfathers. I hope to someday marry a man that has that kind of servant's heart. I hope God will continue to supply men such as these to those young children. I know their lives will be forever changed by it.

As we drove home that day, barely two words were spoken in the van. I don't know if everyone was tired or what. As for me, my mind was simply overwhelmed. I had many emotions swirling around inside. Partially I felt extremely guilty because I was relieved to be free of the madness of activity. I LOVE to be around people, but I can only take chaos in small doses. I can't imagine living in that environment full time. I am so glad that God has gifted people to be able to do that. While we were able to leave, those children weren't. I felt very torn in that moment, and still do to a degree. Part of me doesn't want to go back. I don't want to face that again. It hurt me too much. On the other hand, I feel like I could never do enough. I know we are each gifted and called to minister in different ways. While I know that living in a children's home may not be my gift or calling - my heart breaks for those children. Knowing there is so much to be done, so much love needed - I feel guilty that I am unable to do more. Letting go and perfectionism are some of the things I need to work on (but that's another blog altogether!). It ripped me up inside to experience this, but it also helped me to get outside of my own world and expanded by boundaries a little.

I saw God working in so many ways today. It's so true that we are all parts of the body of Christ - each serving in his own way. Whether it was serving quietly behind the scenes, running like mad in the middle of a pack of kids, being barfed on, blowing bubbles or speaking a kind word, each hand was a blessing. I know this work will be life-changing for these children, but it will be life-changing for us as well.

Please keep these children, the full-time workers, the volunteers and the finances in your prayers. This place is run entirely on donations and faith. Many times building projects have to be held up until enough money comes in to start work again. I am amazed and humbled by this ministry. I praise God for the Adullam House, and that these children are safe, fed, dry, warm and loved tonight.

"So David left Gath and escaped to the cave of Adullam. Soon his brothers and other relatives joined him there. Then others began coming - men who were in trouble or in debt or who were just discontented..."
-I Sam 22:1-2a

Time, Time, there is no Time...

It is with blurred vision and with exhausted fingers I type this blog. I am so tired that I almost have no energy left to breathe. Why do we allow ourselves to get to this point? Often when Satan can't distract us with the things of the world, he will distract us with the things of the church. Lately I have become so overextended in my "spiritual" commitments that none of them seem spiritual any more.

I sat down the other night and ran through the weekly list of things I do. Then I added in the other ministries I am involved with that don't necessarily require a weekly commitment. Then I stopped to think about time at work and time needed to spend running my household. I'd love to have a few hours of relaxation every week (I mean, God did it - why can't I?). All in all, by the end of the day I am exhausted. While I pray to God throughout the day, there seems to be little time left to just sit at His feet.

I feel a very specific call on my life developing. In that, I am convicted that I need to make time to be home alone - on my knees, in the Word - seeking God's face. I just long to be with Him. I long to know Him more deeply. Serving Him is good. But I also need communion with Him. Therefore, I have decided to weed out some of the commitments I have made. I am scaling down, cutting back, stepping away - so to speak. It's odd how church folks associate your visible activity with the state of your relationship with God. If they don't see you doing a million things, you must be "falling away." Right now I am finding myself fighting the guilt brought on by that mentality.

I, myself, have felt that activity was a "spiritual" indicator. So cutting back feels weird to me. While I believe our actions and ministries are an overflow of our relationship with God, I also believe we can become so caught up in activity that we miss how empty our relationship may really be. Sitting quietly before God can be scary sometimes. If we are quiet long enough, He might actually speak to us. What if He tells us to so something we don't want to? Or what if He convicts us of some sin we love? Heaven forbid.

Sometimes we enter into "Esther" times in our lives where preparation is crucial to the next phase of life (Esther 2:12-14). If we don't slow down to be molded, cleansed and transformed - we could miss out on a tremendous blessing. And our failure to accept preparation could prevent us from being in the right place at the right time in order to help someone else down the road.

So - all of you who are weary, I hereby grant you permission to say "No" and to sit down, take a deep breath, and NOT FEEL GUILTY!!

"Hear God"

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

-Psalm 139:23-24

David's prayer in Psalm 139 has always marveled me just a little. I feel like I have so many faults and flaws to work on that I don't want to know about any more. I am also admittedly afraid to ask God to test me. Asking to be tested or praying for patience only invites trials and tribulations in my opinion. Even so, I find myself praying this prayer from time to time. Each time I do, God is faithful to answer. Each time He answers, I grow a little more.

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Recently I prayed this prayer. Lo and behold, a few days later, here it came. One morning I was talking to God as I got ready for work. The more we talked, the more He began to reveal. He showed me a couple of things, then came the subject of control. Apparently I like it too much (I specifically avoid praying for patience because I do not want to suffer the uncontrollable lessons that will follow...). As we explored this subject of control, a few examples flashed through my mind. Apparently those weren't vivid enough, so God decided to act in "real time."

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That morning, God broke the subject of control down to even the most basic of things. I dropped almost everything I picked up. I had one of the worst hair days ever. I was late leaving for work. I got behind every slow person on the road (don't get me started). It seemed endless. All the while I'm thinking, "I did NOT pray for patience. Why is this happening?" So I am in my car, mad as a hornet, looking like Yahoo Serious, and then it happened.

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I pulled up behind a car with the license plate that read, "HEARGOD." I had to laugh. God was trying to get through to me. I was so distracted by the "lesson," I couldn't hear the message.

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While I make it a practice NOT to pray for patience, patience and control go hand in hand. I like for things to be neat and orderly - according to my definition of order. That leaves very little room for mistakes by others or myself. It also squelches everyone's opportunity to hear God's voice and grow. Most importantly, it limits God in my mind, heart and life.

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The Bible tells us to be patient with everyone, and to bear with each other (1 Th 5:14, Eph 4:2, I Cor 13:4, Rom 12:12). Beyond that, the Bible is filled with examples of people waiting on God - sometimes refusing to act until they received word from Him. I believe God keeps us in a holding pattern sometimes because He is trying to refine our skill of patient waiting. He cannot use us effectively if we are constantly trying to strain ahead of Him.

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God gave me a valuable lesson that fateful morning. Rather than avoiding patience, I should pursue it. At first glance, we often think of patience as a horizontal virtue, one we need to develop in order to more effectively deal with people and situations we encounter everyday. But horizontal patience is just the beginning. Developing our horizontal patience will only serve to reinforce our vertical patience - when waiting on God may seem like an impossible task.

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Don't be impatient for the Lord to act! Travel steadily along his path. He will honor you, giving you the land. You will see the wicked destroyed.

Psalm 37:34

Patience ?!#@

Many of us think of patience as a four letter word. Just the other night, I was meeting with my prayer/accountability group and telling them about a frustrating situation at work. In the midst of my venting, I specifically told them NOT to pray for me to have patience because I didn't want things to get any worse. I can't tell you how many times I have heard other Christians make similar remarks.

Patience is a characteristic we are commanded to embody as Christians. Paul tells us in Colossians 3:12 (NLT), "You MUST clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Many times Christians "clothe" themselves in a t-shirt of patience that is about 5 sizes to small. So it cuts off our circulation and causes us to squirm about in sheer discomfort.

Admittedly, I am one of the last people you will hear praying for patience. But I believe that binding t-shirt we now wear will become larger and more comfortable the more we experience and grow our patience. Each encounter we have only adds stitches to that t-shirt, thus enabling us to breathe a little deeper and move about with a little more freedom. Before long, patience will fit us. We will no longer feel bound and suffocated by it.

Paul goes on to say in verse 13 that we must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. He also reminds us that God forgave us, so we must forgive others. Other people are so often the root of my impatience, although not always. Whether I am in traffic, in the grocery store or even trying to get down the aisle at church - people always seem to be in my way. Sometimes I feel like that guy on the heartburn commercial that talks about how he likes everything so fast. I watch that commercial with a scoffing huff and think, "Humph, that is so ridiculous." How many people have I seen right through in my efforts to simply get around them? How many times have I switched lines at the grocery store, then kept watch on my previous spot in an adjacent line to make sure I made the right move? How ridiculous!!

Tonight as I was logging on to my computer, I even noticed how impatient I am. I was typing in user names, passwords and links before the screens were fully loaded. Of course, by the time the page loaded, only half of what I had typed was retained. So I had to go back and start over. How many times have I gotten ahead of God, tried to rush things only to look back and see that only half of my efforts stuck and had to go back and start over anyway?

How many opportunities to learn, grow and serve do we miss each day because we are consumed with the speed of life. Impatience shouts in our ears so loudly that we cannot hear the important things. If you read Colossians 3 starting in verse 12 through the end of the chapter, it almost sounds like a Stepford existence. Like everyone skips everywhere they go, wears daisies in their hair and speaks in a trance-like voice. We all know that's not true. It's not the idea or point of the passage. But we have moved so far from a peaceful, calm, encouraging, servanthood society that it almost seems fictitious to us, hard to imagine.

Slowing down is certainly something I need to work on. It is something as equally hard for me to do. I am convicted that I cannot live a life of gentleness, peace, love, kindness, mercy and harmony until I first slow down, embrace the clothing of patience, and take the time to actually see the people around me as spiritual beings created by God to be loved, accepted and served.

Mercy Me

I love music. There is something about it that reaches inside and touches my soul. Many times I get lost in the sounds, and often the words as well. I've told my friends that should I ever land in the hospital in a coma, I want them to drag a CD player into my room and play music for me. I am convinced that if anything could pull me back into consciousness, music could.

I love to experience music in just about any format. Almost any genre. In the car. Shaking the pictures off the walls at home. Headphones. In concert. Symphonies. Bands. Solo. A single instrument. A cappella. Slow. Fast. Doesn't matter to me. I love it all. Granted there are some kinds I like more than others, but music is magical to me.

While I love it in any format, there is something special about experiencing it live - in concert. I have been known to cry at the symphony. The beauty of the music is so powerful that it literally moves me to tears. When listening to a singer in concert, I often get lost in the power of their voice. One note will come along and sweep me away. I become mesmerized, it's as if there is no one in the room but me. I'm sure that I appear to be bored to death on the outside - but I am so caught up in the sounds that everything seems to slow down, and I slip into a trance.

That happened to me last night. I went to a Mercy Me concert with a friend. Phil Wickham also performed. They have such powerful voices and sing such powerful messages that I became lost in the evening. Entranced by it all. God also has a way of showing up at those things and speaking directly to me.

A couple of days ago, I wrote a post called Surrender. In it, I talked about being ready to accept whatever pain God needed to allow into my life in order to bring me to a place of complete submission. Last night, Mercy Me gave testimonies about being in that same place, and even shared some ongoing struggles they had with letting things go and understanding why bad things happened to them. They sang a song that ministered to me and confirmed that I am on the right track with where I need to be in my brokenness with God. Their words will explain it much better than mine:

Bring the Rain by Mercy Me (from their new album Coming Up To Breathe)
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray..

(chorus)
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings you glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise you
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray...

(repeat chorus)

God never ceases to amaze me in the many ways He speaks to us. Last night, He just happened to use this band at this concert to let me know that I am not alone, He is in control, and I am right where I need to be. Praise Him!!

Fear Factor

Okay - this is completely gross and probably totally inappropriate to share - BUT I HAVE TO!!

Have you ever seen the Stephen King movie Dreamcatcher? Remember the scene in the bathroom? Well, I felt I lived through a replay the other day...

I did the deed, stood, turned to flush and what did I see? Much to my dismay, a big, nasty, totally ALIVE roach. He was crawling around inside the toilet bowl. There is no humanly way I can even begin to express to you via this blog the INTENSE phobia I have of bugs. I have literally turned over a sofa in search of a bug before. Once I see one, I cannot rest until it's dead. I could never, never, never go on Fear Factor and put my head in a box full of bugs. NO WAY. I'd almost pay them $1,000,000 to get them off of me.

So the mere thought of little Charlie the cockroach being that close to my exposed booty sends chills through my body. I feel that I now have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) as I am no longer able to make unfettered use of the facilities. Yikes, it freaks me out just thinking about it.

Anyway- there is no relevance to anything in that story. It just wigged me out so bad that I had to share!! For those of you that know me and only think I am animated when telling a story - I might turn right into a bona fide cartoon character with this one...

My Space

I just had a friend invite me to join myspace.com. I have to admit, I am a little 'on the fence' about it. While I think it would be a neat way to meet people, I am shocked and horrified by the amount of information people reveal about themselves. I realize that anyone determined enough could probably dig up all that stuff anyway, but why make it any easier? I guess I don't want to end up as the lead character in a Lifetime movie.

I am paranoid because I had a mild experience with identity theft a couple of years ago. Although I say it was a mild experience, it was a NIGHTMARE. I am still afraid to try to write a check in Bruno's because I am terrified that their computer will reject it (even though I have NEVER bounced a check there - someone did in my name...). I think that is the only place left that I am still afraid to write checks. Even though I presented them with a copy of police reports and signed affidavits from the bank - I was still humiliated the last time I tried to write a check and the manager came out and told me I couldn't. I can't remember how long I carried copies of the police report and the letter from the bank around with me - fearful that I might need proof in case they tried to arrest me for something someone else did.

Another thing about myspace is all the distractions. My blog is all about writing. I feel called by God to write. I've been doing the "Jonah" for quite a while now - and I am finally trying to get myself in line with God's call. I am a creative junky. When I get on the computer, I lose all sense of time - especially when I am doing something creative. I'm afraid that I will become so distracted by all the links, pictures, questions, backgrounds, songs, etc that I will lose focus on the whole reason I am on-line anyway. I stay so busy with other things that even finding time to blog is difficult.

I'm not saying that I will never create a myspace page - but for now I must graciously decline.

Photography

Hey! If you are interested - check out my link to Lee Lee's Photography. I added a different blog to display some of the photos I have taken. I hope to add more later. I've put the camera down for a while, and I am hoping that having this photo blog will inspire me to get going again!

Surrender

Today was a wonderful day. I went to Birmingham with my mom. We had a girls' day out. Massive shopping spree. A little cheesecake. Some really great talks along the way. All in all, it was ideal. However, there was one moment injected right in the middle of the day that brought a temporary dark cloud over our bliss.

I got a phone call from my roommate, and she told me that my dog had been very sick all morning. As she described his symptoms, the blood drained from my face. You see, I had another dog to die about three years ago - and today's events were sounding all too familiar. My doggies are like my children. When Kirby died in 2003, I was a WRECK. I don't remember the last time I was that upset. So when the call came today, I simply wasn't prepared to go through that again.

After talking to my roommate and my mom, we decided not to cut our trip short. My roommate had been watching Cooper closely, and felt he was going to be okay. So we decided to stay. Honestly though, for the rest of the day, all I could do was wonder if I was going to come home to find him dead. Then God and I had a moment in the dressing room that changed it all.

As I stood there, contemplating the loss of another pet, I was flooded with a sense of surrender. I didn't want my little doggie to die, but if God needed to strip me of another love in order to bring me under His leading - then I was willing to accept that. I realized that God will continue to take things out of my life until He is my only choice. For the first time, today I was truly ready to yield to Him. This is huge! Compared to where I was a year ago, this reaction couldn't be more different. I felt my selfishness and pride cave in. I gave up.

For the past year or so, I have been at odds with God. Last year, I became almost irate with Him and basically decided to give Him the cold shoulder. Long story short, He has been very silent in my life regarding some issues that are very important to me. It had gotten to the point where it felt like He wasn't even there. The more I longed for fullness in my life, the more He took away. I have lost several relationships over the past couple of years, and it has been very hard for me. Last year, I had finally had enough. I felt like God wasn't doing anything for me, and on top of that He was taking away people that I cared about. I guess I have been feeling a little like Job, wondering who will show up next to report yet another loss in my life.

Somewhere in the midst of all this, God has managed to find His way back into my heart. Recently, I made peace with Him, and we are on the road to restoration. He still has me in limbo regarding relationships, forcing me to spend more time alone that I would like. But He is also making clear to me the reason I need solitude right now.

Psalm 139:23-24 says "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Whatever God has to take to make me truly dependent on Him, I am at peace with that. I know I am stubborn, strong-willed and defiant. I know I need to be broken. I don't enjoy it, but I know I need it. Honestly, I hope I am finally to that point of realization that God can now do something with me - and He won't need to bring any more loss into my life. But if I need to be broken even more to be pliable for Him, then bring it on.

Incidentally, I got home tonight and Cooper was fine. He was kicking up his heels like a little donkey. I am still keeping watch over him tonight, and the groomer will keep a close eye tomorrow - but he seems to be back to his old self. Thank God!

Halloween

Click here before reading any further (you need the sound effects to go with this post!)

Today was a day like any other day. I was sitting at my desk at work, eyes glued to a computer screen. Things were relatively quiet around the office. Not much chatter going on. Then, out of no where, the theme song to the movie "Halloween" starts to play. The music was fairly loud. Almost as if we were really in the movie. Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to look at each other. Of course, I yell out, "Michael, is that you? Are we about to be murdered?"

It was the new guy's cell phone. That theme song was his ring tone and he had the volume turned all the way up. Just so happens that he was standing right on the other side of everyone's cubicle walls - just out of sight - when his phone rang. We all thought it was hilarious. He, of course, was embarrassed. I loved it. People always joke about their jobs being Hell, etc. At least they don't work with a serial killer who brings his own theme music. I think I'll call the new guy Michael from now on...

Hungry For Righteousness?

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."

Matt 5:6

Recently I attended an interdenominational Bible study, and the topic at hand was the Sermon on the Mount, more specifically - the beatitudes. We only covered the first four, but one stood out to me. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness...

A common theme runs throughout the beatitudes, and that is humility. I began to ponder the spirit of humility in conjunction with this verse. Physically speaking, how many starving homeless people do you see puffed up with pride? They will do whatever it takes to get food: steal, dig through garbage, beg. I'd say you have to be pretty humble to eat food from the trash. When you have such a basic need going unfulfilled - that need consumes you. Left unfed for too long, it becomes the only thing you live for.

We are all hungry and thirsty for something. Those that don't know Christ are like the homeless (in fact, they are homeless, eternally speaking). They will go almost anywhere looking for the "food" their soul needs. Money. Career. Sex. Material wealth. Drugs. Food. Relationships. In essence, they are digging through the trash heaps of this world looking for nourishment.

Have I ever found myself in the alley, digging through a dumpster right along side the homeless? Of course. I'm sure we all have from time to time. Yet we have a feast waiting for us. I'm awe-struck that we would ever leave a banquet table full of piping hot, delicious food and either go on a hunger strike or dig through garbage thinking we will find something better.

We are all born with a hunger for God. It's natural. Some don't recognize the hunger as a hunger for God. They just know they're hungry, so they seek to feed themselves. Some realize what they hunger for, yet allow themselves to sit and starve. But there are some who have tasted the juices of God's goodness and have bellied up to the table, napkin tucked firmly in their collars. There may be times when we wander back and forth between the alley and the dinner table. I hope when we are enjoying those times of feasting, we don't become so engrossed in stuffing our faces that we forget about those still digging through the trash.

We all hunger. It's a matter of what we hunger for - and what we chose to fill ourselves with.

Blessed are those that hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

The Sign That Never Came

Many times we feel led by God in a certain direction. Rarely does God lead us right into the heart of our comfort zone to do something comfortable and familiar. More often, He leads us into uncharted waters to do something scary and uncomfortable, or at the very least something inconvenient. How many times do we hide behind a sign?

Asking God for direction is perfectly okay and understandable. I don't think God wants a bunch of renegade Christians out there jumping the gun day after day, all in the name of feeling "led." Conversely, I don't think He wants us sitting Buddha-style in our living rooms waiting for a lightning bolt. There are plenty of examples in Scripture where God provided signs to the people (Gen 9:13; Ex 4:5-8; Ex 8:23; Jdg 6:11-24; 1Ki 13:3; Is 38:7 just to name a few). There are also examples of Jesus' not indulging requests for a sign (Mt16:4; Mk 8:12).

How many times have our conversations with God gone something like this:
"What does God want us to do?"
Jesus told them, "This is what God wants you to do: Believe in the one he has sent."
They replied, "You must show us a miraculous sign if you want us to believe in you. What will you do for us?" John 6:28-30

We all want direction, guidance and purpose in our lives. I'm sure most of us have prayed for that at one time or another. Then we receive a prompting or word from God. Many times that isn't enough. We want a sign. A map, a diagram, a playbook. Sometimes God doesn't want to give us a sign. Sometimes He just wants us to believe and step out in faith.

We like to snatch Romans 12:2b right off the page and wear it around on our foreheads: "Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will." Many times we aren't willing to march one step without that good ol' lightning bolt of "confirmation." But I say, rather than us testing God, maybe He is testing our faith (1Pet 1:7).

There is no pattern or play book. If you feel led by God in a certain direction, of course you should pray about it and seek counsel when appropriate (but do not become bogged down in counsel-seeking either; that can become another crutch we use to hold us back from getting on with the task at hand. And sometimes our brothers can serve to unknowingly tear us down and squelch a dream rather than point us in the right direction - just look at Job). If God continues to remain silent on the confirmation/sign front, yet you cannot shake the tug of the Spirit - I say you've got to step out in faith and begin what you believe God calls you to do.

Many times God won't offer confirmation until after we take the first step. Sometimes not until several steps down the road. Most importantly, continue to listen to His voice above all else. Look for road blocks. Make note of other Believers and scriptures that are in agreement with your path. Don't let fear and doubt wash away your spark. Follow Him blindly, and eventually things will become clear.

I think most of us have that little nagging "thing" in our minds that scares us to death. We wonder if it is from God or if "it's something we cooked up in our minds." We ask for confirmation or a specific sign, like seeing a clown riding a unicycle down the freeway. The "sign" never comes (probably because the clown is smushed to the grill of an 18-wheeler - poor clown), yet we cannot shake the feeling. So we pray for signs, talk to anyone who will listen, and never take one step. At some point, we have to exercise our faith and go for it.

Isn't it time you took that first step? You know the one I mean...

Five People We Meet In Heaven

I am continually amazed at the many ways God communicates with us. No matter what circumstance, good or bad, God finds endless ways to reach into my life and touch me. I am brought to tears when the reality of His love overwhelms my heart. To think that the Creator of all mankind would know me personally and care for me enough to minister to me one on one...

The issue of Heaven has been on my mind and heart lately. A book, a class at church, a teacher with a beautiful heart and hunger for God, and an outspoken student with an opposing opinion - all have been instrumental in bringing me to this place.

The mystery of Heaven still swirls about, dancing in the wind like billowing smoke from a freshly extinguished candle. But the mystery is now sweet, no longer thorns on a rose. I know that I am incapable of full understanding, and I am at peace with that. I trust God enough to believe that whatever He has in store will leave me speechless.

Life holds much fullness. Richness in spirit beyond compare. The future is brighter than the past. Hope is the eternal spring that waters all living things and helps them bloom with vibrant colors, sweeter than any perfume. Can't you hear the melodious call of adventures not yet taken? Laughter not yet spun? Lives not yet woven?

I must share with you a movie called "Five People We Meet In Heaven" starring Jon Voight. The movie is based on the book by Mitch Albom. I implore you, get up from your computer right now, find this movie and watch it today. It is a beautiful picture of the mixture of lives that are woven together like lace. In the end, we all effect one another. In the end, we all have the same story.

No matter how ineffective you may feel, your influence reaches beyond your comprehension. No matter how wasteful, unfulfilling and purposeless you think your life might be, you will be amazed to see whose lives have been changed because of you.

I bought this movie weeks ago. I kept seeing it at the store. It kept drawing my attention every time I entered the movie section. I would pick it up, look at it, and always put it back down. One day I decided to buy it. I brought it home and stuck in on my DVD shelf, where it sat for weeks. Tonight, in the quiet of the evening with no one home but me, it was time for me to watch it (this is the goosebumpy part of how God works). I know now why God prompted me to buy it, then waited until now to move me to watch it.

In my struggle to understand eternity, judgment, Heaven, etc, I had become so bogged down with differing opinions and ideas that Heaven had begun to lose its appeal. Sure, it was definitely a better alternative than Hell. But beyond that, I wasn't all too excited about it. I didn't want to slip back into the mode of just ignoring the idea of death and eternity because I didn't understand it. And God knew I needed a break. It is just like God to lay all this groundwork, till the soil of your heart, get every detail primed and ready before delivering a message. Then He drops a lightning bolt from Heaven right into your heart, in that exact spot He has soften and prepared to be able to hear and understand.

I've always said "God is a gentleman. He will never force Himself on anyone." I love how He loves on us in ways we are able to accept at the moment. Be it a direct word, sunbeams, a "random" email, a song, an act of love from a friend, a butterfly, the laughter of a child, a movie, your dog or a spider on the sidewalk - He always finds just the right way into your heart! To think that the Creator of the universe loves us so much that He would go to all that trouble. Then again, when you are crazy in love with someone, I guess it's really no trouble at all...

This movie really spoke to me, and I do beg you to watch it. I won't give you many details because you need to experience it for yourself. This movie may not be the vehicle God uses to speak to you. Your message may be coming in a different form. But it is coming. God longs to romance us. To find those sweet ways to remind us of His love. To reassure us that we are forgiven and safe under the umbrella of His grace.

I don't always walk on a cloud. I don't walk around under a giant beam of light. But sometimes, often when I least expect it - God will smile on me in such a way that causes my heart to burst. Makes me feel like I live in a musical. I want to dance in the streets, swing around a lamp post - all while singing at the top of my lungs. This movie just happened to do that for me, and I thought you should know!

Thank God for Toilet Paper!

If you ever pray with me, you may hear me thank God for light bulbs, carpet, air conditioning, socks or any number of seemingly random things. He is the Creator of man, who in turn created modern conveniences such as the paper clip, bookmark, pillow and shoelace. Therefore, I thank the Creator for small, often overlooked blessings such as highliters, windshield wipers, shampoo, and dental floss. Moreover, I try to see God in everything. I have been known to look for the spiritual analogy in a stop sign, a school bus or even a soda can floating in the rain gutter. And sometimes there is no analogy to be found. Sometimes I am just plain ol' grateful to God for giving me something as "trivial" as toilet paper.

Did you know that people in the pre-toilet paper era used things like coconut shells and corn cobs to wipe their tushies? COCONUT SHELLS!! Have you ever seen a coconut shell? More importantly, have you ever FELT a coconut shell? Ouch! Boy, the Charmin quilters would have a field day with that one. Anyway. In case you are looking for something you've been taking for granted - something that seems trivial, but has actually become a necessity in your life - to be thankful for....I'd say toilet paper is your winner, hands down.

Check out this article on the origin of our friend, T.P. It's a quick and interesting read. Then get off the pot and start looking for other mundane and ordinary things that make your life one of ease and luxury. Thank God for the billions of blessings that surround you every day. Maybe He will even help you see Him in something as simple as a toothpick.

Heaven Revisited

I was talking to my mom today about a book she is reading by John Ortberg. The book is entitled "God Is Closer Than You Think." I haven't read the book yet, but I am intrigued. Apparently he explores the idea that in the same way people have different personalities, people also have different means of connecting with God. Some connect with Him by experiencing nature, some in worship, some in meditation and some in relationships. I definitely connect to God through my relationships with others. Talking, sharing, praying, exploring - all done with other Christians, excites and energizes me.

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

-Proverbs 27:17

My friend, Lisa, definitely sharpens me. A comment she posted on my blog a few days ago helped redirect my thought process and attitude toward this whole eternity issue. While I don't fully comprehend what judgment and eternity will be like, I can still rejoice in the fact that it will happen. I can also share that joy with those that do not know Christ. I don't have to have a perfect and complete understanding of every aspect of eternity in order to "sell" someone else on it.

I have never been married. My married friends can tell me all day long what marriage is like, but until I experience it for myself, I cannot fully understand where they are coming from. I still hope to marry some day.

I've never given birth to a child. I can watch the Discovery Health Channel all day long, even go to lamaze classes - but until I experience it firsthand, I will never comprehend the physical pain and emotional elation of that process. I still hope to become a mother some day.

I've never been to Italy. I can read stories, look at pictures, learn to speak Italian and eat Chicken Scaloppine at every meal - but I can only imagine what sunset in Tuscany will really look like in person. I still plan to experience it some day.

I am guilty of being impatient, trying to skip ahead to the end. I have always been one to catch on to things fairly quickly. I didn't study much in school, but made good grades - honor roll and Beta Club even. I can't tell you how many people have rolled their eyes at me and told me how lucky I was to be one of those people that can just sit in class and pick up everything without having to study. I couldn't disagree more. Because I didn't have to study, I developed a sense of learned laziness. So when I run into something like eternity that I cannot comprehend and cannot figure out, I am consumed with frustration - which often results in me giving up. I never developed the discipline of persistence because I didn't have to.

So I am thankful for friends like Lisa who help bring me down off the ceiling when I am having a "why can't I conquer the world" moment. Sometimes I just need a reality check. Logically I know that I will not fully understand Heaven until I get there. Meanwhile I can continue to study God's word, embrace what I do understand and learn to love the mystery of the rest.

After all, if God wants to throw us a surprise party - who are we to steal His joy! He's given us everything we need to know to successfully navigate life's journey toward eternity. If He has purposefully left out a few party details, we can't get stuck obsessing over those missing pieces and neglect the treasure chest He has given us.

Track 9

This may seem strange, but I recently noticed that track 9 on nearly every CD I own is a song that I really like. When I buy a new CD, often it will be because I like the artist or a certain song. While I might like the artist, rarely do I find a CD where I immediately love every song. Generally, a well-known and popular song will be first, followed by some slower, meaningful ballads expressed in a style that may not jive with the "beat" that motivated me to buy the CD in the first place. Then there's track 9. It might be slow. It might be fast. It might be familiar or brand new. Either way, 95% of the time it will be something I thoroughly enjoy. When I buy a new CD these days, I sometimes skip ahead to track 9 just to see. One thing I have discovered, however, is if I will listen to the CD in its entirety, every song will eventually win me over. There are exceptions, of course. But generally, this holds true.

I find myself so often trying to skip ahead to "track 9" in my life. I want to get to the good stuff, the "prize". I don't want to take the time to really listen to what's in the middle. But the middle is often where the best stuff hides. At the end of the movie "Hope Floats," Sandra Bullock makes this statement, "Beginnings are usually scary. Endings are usually sad. It's the middle that counts the most." How true that is!

How many relationships have I missed out on? How many opportunities to serve? How many blessings have I forfeited? All because I am seeking the illusive "track 9." Rather than letting the music of life minister to me, mold me, move me, motivate me and change me, do I simply tolerate it waiting for something better? If only I would absorb the richness of the "words in the middle" and appreciate who I am and what I have now. If only I would let God play out my life's music in the time He composed rather than obsessing over the fast forward button.

There is nothing wrong with "track 9." Nothing wrong with anticipating it, looking forward to it. "Track 9" is a good thing. But tracks 1 through 8 can also be such a rich blessing (often full of meaningful lessons and opportunities for growth). I pray that I will learn to hear and appreciate the blessings in today. Track 9 will get here soon enough, but I don't want to miss one note of blessing to be found in tracks 1 through 8!

Why Heaven?

I am still going to my Heaven class. I think I have moved from a sense of awe and excitement to a sense of confusion and frustration. The more I hear, read and discuss - the more confused I feel. What will Heaven be like? Ask 100 people, get 100 answers. I know we can't ever truly get our brains around the concept of Heaven and eternity. We are too finite. That much I do understand. But if Heaven is supposed to be the point, shouldn't we be able to understand it? Have some general idea of what it will entail? Be able to "sell" others on going there? Be genuinely excited about going there ourselves? I'm sorry, but I have a hard time getting excited about something I find difficult to comprehend. I have that old feeling I used to get sitting at the kitchen table with my dad trying to work through algebra problems.

I don't want my desire for Heaven to simply be an "it beats the alternative" mentality. I'm a Christian, so I'm supposed to have a bubbly exuberance and eager anticipation for eternity, right? The thought of "standing before the throne of God singing" FFFFFOOOOORRRRREEEEEVVVVVEEEEERRRR sounds boring to me. Don't get me wrong. I love to sing. I definitely want to hang out with God. But just standing there in a big crowd doing that forever isn't all that appealing to me. Now enters the debate. What will we do in Heaven? Is the Bible's voice regarding Heaven literal or figurative? Mansions - literal or figurative? If they're literal, will I ever get to see mine if I am participating in a never ending church service? Treasures in Heaven, crowns, streets of gold, etc, etc, etc. Literal or figurative?

And our bodies. What kind will they be? A transformed version of what we have now. But what does that really mean? Honestly, that part doesn't really matter to me. As long as whatever body I have goes there, who cares. But it has been another topic of debate. And where is Heaven? Up there? Coming down here? Some other coexisting dimension we cannot yet see? Again, no matter to me as long as I'm there.

There have been so many issues raised in this class. Issues about death, judgment (when is it and what will we do in between death and judgment if it isn't immediate...), levels of Heaven, Hell - what they'll know/what we'll know, rewards, crowns, and again - what will we do, think, feel. What's literal, what's not. I've heard it all from one end to the other - with scripture to back all sides.

I guess my ultimate frustration lies in the mystery of it all. I wish things were more clear. More cut and dried. I admit, I get frustrated with God sometimes and how He seems to leave us in a fog. I know we need faith and all, but sometimes I feel like saying, "God, I'm willing to do whatever, if you would just tell me." Instead I feel like I am playing guessing games. I don't know. Things just seems complicated sometimes. Hard to comprehend.

I have a hard time just accepting something because someone says so (ask my parents!). I need to know why and how. And I don't feel like I have fully grasped something until I can explain it back to you. So when I run into something that I can't get my brain around, I become frustrated. I know I have much studying to do. Like I said before, I haven't spent a lot of time really contemplating Heaven. I find it odd that we as Christians often breeze past that topic or overlook/avoid it all together when Heaven is supposed to be our goal. When I set other goals, I know why I've set them, what I plan to do when I reach them, what benefits I will receive, and I try to plan how I will get there. Yet here is this ultimate and outstandingly important goal, and I have spent so little time focusing on it specifically. I've looked all around it as if it were a solar eclipse or something.

Anyway, enough of my ramblings. I just had to vent. On to more studying. I do believe that God wants us to have an understanding of Him and His will for us. To me, that includes eternity. So I am confident that He will be faithful to guide me. I just want the shortcut sometimes!

Heaven

I went to a class tonight on Heaven. The teacher has based the class on Randy Alcorn's book "Heaven." I am still in awe. My soul has been starved all my life from really considering Heaven, I mean really considering Heaven. Sure, I've thought about it. In all honesty, it scares me a little. Fear of the unknown, I guess. I've wondered if I would get bored - after all, won't we be standing around singing all the time - forever. So many misconceptions. One thing that Randy explores very early in the book is this: How are we supposed to convince others of the importance of Heaven when it is something we don't even understand and may not be too excited about ourselves. That really hit me. After all, isn't Heaven our ultimate goal? Do we even know what we are living for, striving for, destined for? I am still very early in the class and in the book. I am anxious to learn more, and will share more as I do.

Meanwhile, another issue that was laid on my heart tonight.

Recently at work, things had gotten pretty stressful around the office. Tensions were high, fuses were short. Everyone needed a boost. I get an email devotional every day called "What the Lord is Saying Today." Many days it seems as if the Lord himself is emailing me directly. This particular day, the email really fit our office situation, so I forwarded it to several co-workers. One person in particular came to mind right before I hit the "send" button. Should I send this to her? Will she care? Will she be offended? I honestly didn't know what her reaction might be. Sadly enough, we had worked together for years, and I had no idea where she stood with God. I came close to removing her name from the list, but decided against it.

Moments after I sent the email, she appeared at my desk with tears in her eyes. She thanked me for sending it to her, and proceeded to tell me that she knew she needed God in her life. She felt as if she was at the end of her rope many days, and someone in her life had recently told her that she needed to go to church. She explained to me that she had never gone to church much in her life, and knew nothing about the Bible. In fact, she didn't own a Bible. We talked a few minutes and I invited her to come to church with me. But I knew it wouldn't end there.

A few days later, I bought her a Bible and took it to work. I kept it in my desk drawer for several hours. (Isn't it odd that we are often so afraid of rejection or ridicule that we will hesitate to share Christ with someone that we know is hungry for it...) Finally, the right moment presented itself, and I gave her the Bible. Again, she teared up and thanked me profusely. She marveled over the built-in book mark, and as she stood there flipping through it, she stopped and asked my why some of the words were in red. I was blown away. I guess I didn't take her seriously when she told me earlier that she knew nothing about the Bible. I figured, in America - surely everyone has at least SEEN a Bible. Yet here she was, middle class, late 20's, good job, married - and had never opened a Bible in her life.

I am still shaken by the new sense of urgency I felt in that moment. I've heard preachers say all my life that we live in a mission field, but it never hit home until that day. We are surrounded by lost people who are crying out to us for help. Their cries may not come in the form of a question. Instead they may manifest themselves in stories about drinking, sex or any other multitude of things people use to try and find fulfillment.

I have offered to study with this girl, and plan to extend another invitation to church. I am praying that God will continue to work on her heart. And I pray that He will use her to open my eyes to the needs of those around me. I am guilty of thinking I have to be a great evangelist in order to lead others to Christ. Many times, people are just looking for a friend who will love them, accept them, and listen to them. Why do we try to make things so complicated? Who knows, maybe a simple email will end up saving a soul!

Autobahn Christian

How many times have I left God in the dust? Too many. Sometimes I feel like an Autobahn Christian, wanting to take life at warp speed. Yet God often operates like a 95 year old man out for a Sunday afternoon drive (or so it seems). At the outset of the journey, I can get behind God. Trolling along, enjoying the scenery. Then we take a turn down a dirt road. I'm still behind God, but now He's kicking up a bunch of dust, and I can't see where we are going. Frustration sets in.

As frustration builds and mingles with a little fear, impatience begins to grow. Before long I am back there bobbing and weaving, wondering why we are still moving so slow. Anxiety and frustration increase. I begin to tailgate, often having to slam on brakes. Pretty soon, tempers flare. Road rage. Why are we still moving so slow? Will we ever get there? Does He even know where we are going? As tension builds, the urge to speed ahead overwhelms me, and I dart into the other lane and floor the accelerator.

Inevitably, my joy ride does not last. I skid into a little 360 action and am thrown from the vehicle, which lands in a ditch. I lay there dazed and confused at first. When I finally get my bearings, I stand looking at the junk heap that once was a fine ride. It's crumpled, steam billowing out from under the hood, doors hanging open. What am I going to do now?

About that time He comes rolling up, leans across the seat and opens the passenger door.
"Need a lift?" He says, with a toothpick in His mouth and a look of calm contemplation in His eyes.
I walk over, all covered in scrapes, cuts, bruises and dirt.
"I'm a little messy. I'd hate to get your car all dirty."
"No worries. Looks like you could use a helping hand there. Why don't you let me drive for a while?"
I get in.
"Better buckle up," He says with a grin, toothpick still in place.

Just as the buckle snaps into place, I am pressed into the seat by the shear force of our speed. We are flying down the road so fast that things seem to blur in and out of focus. I nervously glance at the speedometer. It's only registering 20 mph!!
"That's obviously busted," I say, thinking aloud.
"Things aren't always as they seem, my child. Look behind us."

I turn, only to see countless cars behind us. All tailgating, bobbing and weaving. Slamming on brakes. Occasionally, they will even bump into each other. Sometimes the drivers are shouting in frustration. Finally, one breaks loose and rockets ahead of us. Meanwhile, we are still moving at warp speed. How in the world can anyone pass us while we are moving this fast?

"We'll stop and pick him up in a bit." He says, one bent arm resting in the open window. Toothpick perched in one corner of His mouth.
"Lord, I don't understand. Out there, it feels like you are moving at a snail's pace. But in here, things are happening so fast, I can barely see."
"Yes, child. I told you, things aren't always as they seem. All I ask is that you trust me. Some things aren't for you to understand just yet. But I have your very best interest at heart. I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. All in due time. All in due time."

Just over the horizon, I see the steaming, crumpled wreck that had passed us only moments ago. The forelorn driver stands, staring at the mess. We slow to a stop and offer him a ride. As he climbs in, I am startled to realize he looks just like me.

Bible Advice

Things at work have been pretty crazy lately. I found a short devotional that really fit our situation, so I emailed it to a few co-workers. One of them came to me in tears after reading it. Basically, she knows she needs God in her life, but has never gone to church, never read the Bible. We talked for a little while, and I am hoping to study the Bible with her.

My plan is to buy her a Bible. She doesn't own one right now. The problem is that I am a Bible junky. I have over 20 Bibles in as many translations. Study Bibles. Story Bibles. Plain text Bibles. Old Bibles. New Bibles. Daily Bibles. etc, etc, etc. Any opinions as to what would be the best Bible to buy someone with ZERO Bible knowledge?

I am leaning toward a Bible in the New Living translation. Would a study Bible be overwhelming? Not to me, but I am trying to think like someone who has never picked up a Bible.

Any thoughts? Words of wisdom?

Save the Children

Have you ever loved a child? I mean really loved a child? I don't have kids, so I can't begin to imagine what a parent's love must feel like. I know what it feels like to receive that love, but I don't know what it is to feel that love. Emily is the closet I've gotten to really loving a child with a fierce kind of love. A love that makes you want to protect them from harm, save them from mistakes, remove all their pain. When she smiles and giggles, it is as if all is right with the world. In that moment, thoughts of work or troubles all seem to float away. I find myself getting caught up in her childlike charm. My inner child connects with her, and if only for a moment, I am a child again myself. Her sweetness and joy seem to fill the room like a magical fairy dust that puts me in a trance.

When I look at her precious face, I see her wide-eyed innocence. Oh, how I long for that to be preserved. I want her inner child to remain alive and strong. I pray that she will always honor and protect that part of herself, not taking life too seriously and getting wrapped up in the dictations of this world. I look at how perverse the world has become, and think that it will only take a second to taint that purity. Sometimes I wonder when it is that we transition from innocent childhood into the world of hungry lust, greed and selfishness. If only we could pinpoint that moment, capture it somehow, and go back in time and re-direct ourselves. Kind of like George Bailey or Marty McFly, going back to the past in order to review, correct and re-direct the future.

I remember growing up, my parents would always say stuff like, "I am only trying to save you from making a big mistake" or "I want you to learn from my mistakes." Oh, but no. I wanted a full set of mistakes to call my own. And inevitably, as is most often the case - we grow up only to discover that our parents were right. Now we find ourselves trying to save others from themselves. Thank God that He came to do that very thing!

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God!"
1 Jn 3:1
God calls us to have a childlike faith. This passage from 1 Thessalonians is kind of like the "Everything I needed to know I learned in kindergarten" guide to living with the faith of a child:
"Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
Do not put out the Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil.
May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it."
1 Thess 5:12-24

I thank God that He uses everything from the cradle to the grave, looking ahead and behind, and everything in between to teach us, reach us, mold us, shape us, and ultimately save us.

Here, there and everywhere...

So, we're going on about 6 months now since my last post, huh? Interesting how so much can happen in such a short time. My last post? My friend lost her battle with Satan. I couldn't save her. But I sat by the edge of the muddy pig pin and waited for her to tire of it. Eventually that did happen. She, with God's help, is in the process of digging all of that mud out of every little nook and cranny. And God is smiling on her every day.

God continues to amaze me. He is always waiting, just outside of the muck. Ready with a towel of glistening white, arms open wide. Surely He must spend a lot of time waiting beside that pig pin for us to come crawling out. Time and time again. There's something about that muddy gunk we just love. Like a drug addict, we sell ourselves to get one more hit. Before we know it, there we are again. Slipping and wallowing in the think black muck, unable to get any of it off. I thank God that He is so willing to rescue us over and over.

I had an encounter with God last week that brought me to my knees. Face down on the floor, crying like a baby. Faced with the reality of how much I have been looking to the world to find fulfillment. Oh, how dry and starved I had allowed my soul to become. How was I to witness to the world when I was turning to the very things they turn to? How was I any different from them? How selfish and warped my thinking had become that I would point an angry finger at God and blame Him for all that my life was lacking. Yet again, He ministered to me through weeks and weeks of sermons, friends, songs, emails, scripture, and even a license plate!

Again, I am amazed that God would even want anything to do with me, let alone pursue me. But pursue me, He does. I can look back over the years, and see how many things come together to reveal His love for me. How many different ways He was speaking to me, trying to get my attention. Sometimes having to love me from afar because I wouldn't let Him get any closer.

No doubt. We serve a God who loves us with a fierce, unrelenting love. He will not let us go without a fight. He will not give up on us. And He is only a whisper away.

It's me again

Many thanks to all of you that have posted comments, sent me emails and spoken words of encouragement to me since my last post. I am definitely on the upward swing. I still do not feel that I am back to my full spiritual charge yet, but I am getting there. I tend to be a very animated person, and being in the valley is torture for me. I want my life to be vibrant and full of life and laughter all the time. Realistically I know that cannot be, but I seem to take the valley pretty hard sometimes. Anyway--not to worry. I think we all go through crusty, rank times in our lives where we just want to sit in a mud puddle and cry about what's not right our lives.

I am both blessed and cursed with creativity. Blessed because my life generally stays pretty flavorful. Cursed because my creativity is coupled with a short attention span. Blessed because I am able to come up with new and different ways to minister to others. Cursed because my desire for freshness and exploration sometimes gets me sidetracked with my spiritual walk. Let's face it, sometimes our walks are boring. I don't do boring. So after a mile or two with no angelic chorus overhead, I tend to wander off down some side road looking for adventure. Inevitably, my side roads lead me to the valley. You would think I would have figured this out by now....

This particular trip has lead me to some interesting places. And Satan was the tour guide. Actually he knew what he was doing all along. It just took me a while to catch on. Little did I know that while I was wandering off down my little side road, Satan was cooking up a big ole' casserole of trouble in the life of a close friend. When the whole thing came to a head and casserole exploded all over the kitchen, I was just beginning to peak my head out of the valley. I wasn't as prepared as I could have been to help my friend.

I quickly decided that I had to do something. My friend was about to be eaten alive by sin. So the fight began. Not a fight between my friend and I, but between us and Satan. I refuse to hand any of my friends over to Satan without a fight. Tooth and nail. Somebody, somewhere is going down.

I came to realize that I need to be more careful about my wanderings. My walk with God is not just about me. I need to be in constant communion with God so I will be better prepared to fight for myself or anyone else when the time comes. Thankfully God knows we are weak, and He pairs us with people that can stand up for us when we can't stand for ourselves.

My friend and I are still in the heat of battle. I have thrown down some pretty fierce fighting words to her Tempter. Right now she is still recovering from the initial blast. It's like a scene from a war movie. She's thrown over my shoulder and I am standing here yelling at her attacker to 'bring it on.' I probably need to calm down. Again, I'm animated. At any rate, I've had to return from the valley rather quickly, patch up my own wounds and prepare to throw down.

Please keep us in your prayers. I know God is faithful. While we aren't out of the woods yet, I believe God will deliver us. In the meantime, a lot of people stand to get hurt if Satan doesn't release his grip. I guess that's usually the case when Satan uses people as pawns in his little games.

Blah Blah Blue

It's been forever since my last post. Here's why. I've run out of words. Life has sort of lost it's flavor lately. All the colors in my mind have dried up. My spiritual life is dusty and stale. My relationships are running on auto-pilot. And I seem to be hovering somewhere in outer space, looking around and wondering how I got here.

PLEASE pray for me. I need serious revival in my life right now.