Write it down

My dad is a counselor. He is always telling his clients to journal. He says you need to write it down to get it out. I've never really taken his advice before (no surprise, huh Diddy?). I am one that needs to discover it for myself for some reason. Recently a friend gave me a life-changing book that encourages journaling. So I finally decided to give it a try.

Blogging and journaling are two different things. Journaling involves ripping junk right out of your heart and slapping it down on paper. If you need to cuss, cuss. If you need to change topics at random in the middle of a paragraph - do it. Put pen to paper and write it out long hand. Do whatever it takes - just get the thoughts onto paper.

I have committed to journal 3 pages every morning before getting out of bed. Start the day off fresh - get the junk out and don't carry it into your day with you. Funnily enough, once I started journaling - I can't seem to stop. In the past 7 days, I have written 33 pages. I can't tell you how much better I feel - how much I have learned about myself. It's unreal.

Another thing I have committed to do is NOT going back and re-reading my journal any time soon. The point is to get it out, not go back and mull it over, analyzing the whole mess. At first I was a little inhibited. I thought, "What if someone finds this. Maybe I should put some things in code." I am starting to come out of that. It's a little weird, but the more freely I allow myself to write, the easier it comes.

The best thing about it all is not just learning more about myself. It is receiving clarity on some of the lies I have believed. Seeing new things about God. Understanding who I am in relation to Him. Realizing that I am important and worth something and that's it's OK to take care of me.

If you don't journal - you should start today. I promise it will change your life...

Things to think about...

I haven't posted in while. Quite frankly, I haven't had much to say. I've been in a reflective mood lately. I promised someone I would start journaling, so I guess I've been expressing myself there. I'm on a path to unearth the real me. I haven't posted lately because I don't want to post something just to fill cyberspace with empty words, but I can offer you this:

"Integrity is a bigger thing than telling the truth. It is about being a certain kind of person. It is about being people who know who we are and what we are, and it is about being true to what we are even when it could cost us more than we should like to pay." -Lewis Smedes

"Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation, because your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are." -John Wooden

"Authenticity is a powerful witness to the presence of God in our lives. It doesn't mean that we're perfect. It means that we're real. It means that we're honest about our imperfections and our struggles. We don't gloss over them and put on a happy Christian face to cover up our pain." -Rory Noland

Whatever you do, forsake all else and follow Him.

Tomorrow is the big day...

Say a prayer for my Cooper. Tomorrow is his big surgery. Prayerfully they won't find anything wrong.

Photo of the Week

Sometimes we feel like we somehow got off the path, fell by the wayside, or simply got left behind. We look around and see others who seem to have it all figured out (which, BTW, no one ever does). A temporary or perceived derailment can make you feel lonely or afraid. Take heart - God is right there with you. He knows exactly where you are even if no one else does.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

-Ps 139:7-10

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

-Jer 29:11-13

Eternal Investments

Well, I did it. Like driving a stake through the heart of a vampire, I did it. I dropped my cable TV. Actually, I kept the basic K-Mart stuff. I guess I'll get the first 11 channels or so. Mainly the networks, which I never watch anyway. But hey - at least if there's a storm within 200 miles of the coast, Rich Thomas will let me know so I can run to Publix and buy all the bread and water with the rest of the irrational population of MGM.

I am somewhat saddened by the "break up" with the cable company. I feel as though I have said good-bye to a dear friend. In fact, as I sit here and type, I am dressed in all black, veil included. Okay, not really - but I am sad nonetheless.

I felt like God has been "suggesting" to me that I lose the cable for some time now. I've been hearing Him without hearing Him, if you know what I mean. I am certain He has some amazing things planned for us to do together now that He has more of my attention, but I sure will miss those BravoTV marathons!

I read an article today written by Jill Carattini (a senior associate writer at Ravi Zacharias International Ministries). The article was about integrity and choices, but the last line really jumped out at me and could apply to almost any situation in life. It read:

What if you were to determine that what you are fostering here on earth, you will discover more of in heaven? Would it change the way you make decisions today?

I invest a lot of time in wasteful things like TV. Please don't misunderstand - there is nothing wrong with watching some TV. But I seem to have an art for taking things to the extreme. I think of TV and other things that I sometimes pour myself into and when run through the filter of Jill's question - there are many things that I wouldn't want MORE of in heaven! I have to wonder how much time I have spent fostering my career or watching TV or developing the fine art of shopping (poor money management). Then I stop to consider...how much time have I spent fostering my relationships, both with God and with others. How much time have I spent developing my character and gifts/talents God has blessed me with?

Again, please know that I think it is perfectly okay to spend a lazy Saturday watching movies every once in a while. I think it's wonderful to have a "pointless" hobby. Shopping, reading books and eating chocolate are all fabulous! But making these things an art form or using them as a replacement for God - that is where they cross the line.

Life is about balance. More importantly - it is about seeing things from an eternal perspective. Making investments in things personally, spiritually, relationally that really matter. The rest is just flash anyway.

Rick Burgess - A Father's Heart part 1

I assume you've heard about the tragic death of Rick Burgess' (of Rick and Bubba) toddler son. These videos are of Rick speaking at the memorial service. They are powerful and are making a HUGE impact around the country. Please listen and be changed.

Rick Burgess - A Father's Heart part 2

Rick Burgess - A Father's Heart part 3

Reactions

I've been thinking a lot about the way I react to things. You know the old saying "Actions speak louder than words." I think reactions speak even louder than that. Reactions usually come from the heart, from the core of who you are. Do my reactions bring glory to Christ? Unfortunately, not always.

Work is one of the most 'reactive' places in my life. I don't know what it is about that place. Maybe we just have more than our fair share of irritating people?? :) Doubt it. I think I am more aware of and convicted about my reactions to life at work than other places. At work, I am surrounded by people that do not know God. Every day I am given the chance to present God to my co-workers through my reactions. I know I fall short too often.

Several things have come together lately to bring this issue to the forefront for me. I was reading the Bible a few days ago and realized I was reacting to a particular scripture like I had many times before. It was several stories about Abraham and Jacob where they lied for various reasons. They seemed to suffer no immediate consequences and, in fact, reaped material gain. My reaction to that has always been to wonder why they were able to lie and not only get away with it, but even seem to get a blessing out of it.

While the reaction was not a new one, the Spirit convicted me this time. I realized that I read the Bible as if I expected God to be more like me. I expected punishment or at least rebuke for their failure to be perfect. I was not reading the stories and seeing a God of mercy and grace who loved and used people despite their imperfections. I became sad to realize that I projected my own imperfections onto God and others, thus expecting God's reaction to more human than Divine.

A week or so later, the sermon at church was on the condition of our hearts. Buddy said that a good indicator of the condition of our hearts was our speech. He put up 2 lists. One had things on it like doubt, gossip, anger, critical, irritable, judging, arrogant, etc. The second had things like love, praise, encouragement, gracious, joyful, testimonies, etc. Unfortunately I found that more of my speech was reflected in the first list. If the mouth is the overflow of the heart, obviously mine needs some work.

I think my attitude at work, my skewed perspective on the Bible and my overall speaking life reflect a heart that has become selfish and worldly. I've been focused too much on things of this world - things that are temporary rather than on things eternal. I am so grateful that God is the loving, patient, merciful, gracious, forgiving God of the Bible rather than the twisted human God I thought He should be (I wouldn't survive serving a God like that)! I'm glad that God cares enough about me to reach right out of the pages of my Bible, tap me on the shoulder and say, "Uh, excuse me. You'll need to read that one again."

Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me.
Ps 51:10

OK, so I spent a couple of hours organizing and updating my photo gallery online today. Since I've spent all that time, shouldn't someone at least go look at it?

The gift of individuality

I was listening to Ravi Zacharias today at lunch, and he made a statement that really stood out to me. He said that our most unique gift from God is our individuality. He's given it to no one else. We should embrace who we are, own it - and then give it back to God.

Many times I find myself looking at the lives, ministries and talents of others wishing I were in their shoes. I realized long ago that no one's shoes fit them as well as they seem to. Life is always rubbing blisters and causing aches and pains that others may not notice. We've all heard, "Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes." I think that applies not only to judging someone, but also to envying them.

God has blessed each of us so richly - and so uniquely. I love to see someone in their "element" doing something that truly enables their gifts and passions. It's almost magic to watch. Often times, those magical people are the rare, the few who go against the grain and pursue life with a different purpose and passion than the majority.

Too often we spend all of our energy trying to fit in or become someone else, that we completely miss the individual God gifted us to be. Standing out is scary and sometimes ridiculed. Rather it should be celebrated and embraced. If everyone stood out, no one would.

Christ stood out from the crowd, that's for sure. Yet He never withdrew from who He was (or Whose He was). His life had a purpose and He was confident in that. I think maybe we fight our gift of individuality because we don't understand it. We aren't sure what we are supposed to do with it, so we latch on to someone else who seems to have a cool thing going.

For me, I have to take a step back and rediscover who I am. Spend lots of time with God. The more time I spend with God and with me - the more clearly I can see who I was designed to be and what I was designed to do.

Spiritual Marinade

I love a good juicy steak or chicken breast that has been marinated well. Man, how that enhances the flavor! I've also eaten my share of unmarinated meat. It'll do, but it's certainly no substitution for the full deal.

While marinating is a virtual miracle in the kitchen, I don't much care for it when I am the "meat." Since I feel like I spend a lot of time marinating spiritually, I decided to look up the term online just to see what I found. I was amused. (Check it out here.)

Of course, we all know that marinating is the process of soaking food in some form of liquid in order to juicy it up. It also helps soften tough meat and vegetables. The marinade is often acidic because that helps break down the tissue and allow it to absorb moisture (thus, the juicy). Here's one thing I didn't know...There is a reaction that occurs within meat when it is char-broiled that is said to produce cancer causing agents. However, if the meat is marinated first, the production of those agents is reduced 92-99%.

When God is trying to soften me up or break me down so I am better able to absorb His Spirit, I am often trying to climb out of the marinade. I'm ready to hop on the grill. If allowed to marinate properly, I'd be "juicy" and when squeezed by life, His Spirit would flow from me more abundantly. But when I try to fore go the marinade and jump right into the flames, I am at greater risk for developing cancer causing agents, thus becoming infected and possibly infecting others.

So I am trying very hard to work on patiently waiting in the marinade. Soaking up all I can. Because, truthfully - when I am finally released to jump into the flames, then I'll be blogging about how hot it is and wishing I was back in the marinade! Oh, that I could simply be open and content where ever I am!

Have a nice day

Today after work I had to stop by the store (isn't it funny how we use these huge generalities in life? 'The store' as if there's only one store. Anyway - moving on.). As I was leaving, I met a girl at the door. She was about my age, maybe a few years younger. She was coming in as I was leaving. As we both approached the door, she reached it first so she held the door open to allow me to exit. I said, "Thank you" and stepped over the threshold. Then the most amazing thing happened...

She said, "You're welcome. Have a good afternoon."

I was a bit startled at first. Don't get me wrong. I've shared many, "excuse me's" , "thank you's" , and "you're welcome's" over the thresholds of many a doorway. But I don't think I've ever received a follow-up "Have a good afternoon." Wow!

It instantly perked me up and lifted my spirit. I wasn't in a bad mood or anything, just my usual self-absorbed shell where I exist in my head somewhat oblivious to the world around me. Don't worry. I didn't leave her hanging. I did respond with a hearty, "Thanks! You too!"

This girl's simple act and statement of kindness and outreach really impacted my day. So wherever you are, Girl From Hobby Lobby, thank you for bringing a smile to my day!! I hope I can be more like you. The world would certainly be a better place if we all treated each other that way. What is it the new Allstate commercial says? Drive like there are real people on the road with you rather than just something that's in your way (or something like that).

God in the Flesh

For the past few weeks I have been listening to a couple of speakers on Christian radio at lunch. The Bible studies and lessons are always timely. For the past couple of days I've been listening to a guy named Stuart McAlister. Today he cited this quote:

"The incarnation should be the model for missions."

The Word became flesh and dwelt among us. (John 1:14)

Are we living as God in the flesh to the world around us? Jesus' whole being was to bring others into a relationship with God. Is mine? Whether we are at home, at work, overseas, at the grocery store. Does my life cause the word to become flesh to those around me? Does my life really revolve around bringing Christ to the world?

Another thing that hit me there is "dwelt among us." I have been blessed to have had many non-believing friends throughout my life. I know this is something a lot of Christians struggle with - only having friends at church. Sometimes my non-Christian friends teach me more about God and Christianity than church does. My non-believing friends keep me grounded in a different way than my Christian friends do. They help me see beyond the starch, fake, church act we sometimes play with each other. Often times they are more quick to call me out when I step out of line. They keep me real.

On the flip side, while the lost of the world may not have a relationship with God - who do they often turn to when they have a crisis or a question? One of His children. When their lives fall apart or they need support, they may come seeking advice or even prayer. It is in these times that I hope I am able to help them see it is God they really seek.

This lesson today had so much good information (way too much to share in one post) but that one statement really reminded me that I need to remember that my life should cause the word to become flesh, a walking sermon if you will, to the lost around me. At the same time, I need to actually dwell among some unbelievers if I ever intend to minister to any!

Time in the ark

I was reading about Noah the other day, and something struck a chord with me. First, I've never really paid attention to the fact that they were in the ark for almost one year. I'm sure I've heard this before, but that point never really settled into the wrinkles in my brain. I mention it because I am a person that wants instant answers and instant fixes. The idea of being trapped in a big smelly boat full of animals and no lido deck makes me want to gnaw my foot off - let alone being stuck there for a YEAR!

Then I realized that sometimes God needs to put us in a place of confinement for our protection, healing and growth. He may surround us only with what we need. Food, shelter and family. We may experience this as a result of some cleansing He is doing in our world around us - but often times it is because He needs to do some cleansing within us.

I recently decided that I will need to move back home for a couple of years. I love my family dearly and have no problems living with them. But I dread the thought of temporarily giving up my independence and reducing my living quarters to one small bedroom. Then I read the story of Noah. It made me realize that this is my ark time. Some changes need to be made. Cleansing needs to take place. Rebuilding needs to be done.

So I welcome this upcoming period of "confinement." I look forward to the day God opens the door and I step out into a whole new refreshing beginning.

With each breath I take, I realize how gracious God is. I stand amazed and completely awed by the extent of His compassion and mercy. His patience is so far-reaching that I cannot comprehend it. He has the gentle touch of a feather, yet rules with the power of a thousand mighty warriors. He seems to be such an all encompassing contradiction in terms. Better yet, He wants ME to know Him with an intimacy like nothing I've ever known.

Each morning as we walk through the dusty sands of Bible times, He gently takes my hand and I feel His breath fall over me like a cool breeze. He enlightens my soul, heals my wounds and calms my fears. He delights in playful waiting - never with intentions to harm, rather to teach and to test. I see that glimmer in His eye when I succumb to His plan and yield my own. I also feel the reassuring touch of His hand when I am likened to an untamed horse - bucking and screeching under the reins. And that patience remains - firm and steady, ushering me into a place of peace.

I hear the quick drawing of His breath as He looks on my timid steps. I see the slight smile that edges across His face as I gain my footing. Faith and strength slowly building like the new legs of a fresh-birthed fawn.

Oh, to please only Him.

No room at the Inn

I read an article the other day that talked about Jesus' birth. How sad it was that no one would make room for Him. Didn't they realize who He was, etc. Then it asked this question, "Do we have room in our Inn for Jesus this Christmas season?"

I have been thinking a lot about that question. Not only during Christmas, but all year long. It seems to be something I wrestle with a lot. I am so easily side-tracked and distracted. If I lived in Bible times, would I have turned Jesus away too? Too busy with daily life to notice Him? How often do I turn Him away in my daily life now? How often do I plow through a day without stopping to include Him? How often do I make plans without asking what His plan is for me? How many times do I take Him for granted, living without gratitude for grace?

I have noticed lately that TV seems to be a huge time vacuum for me. I've always known that I watched too much TV, but not until recently have I realized just how much. A few weeks ago I fasted from TV for a week. I was seeking God in prayer over an issue, so I decided to remove that distraction. I am still amazed by the amount of prayer time and other things I was able to accomplish that week.

Now that TV is back in my life, the laundry is piling up. The house is a mess. I have fallen behind in my reading list. So many loose ends are dangling around. And I feel more stressed and unsettled. All that "resting" I do in front of the TV sure is exhausting!

I've heard of people who radically put their TVs on the curb and decided to brave life without one. I haven't been able to muster up the courage to do that just yet - but I really feel convicted that my New Year needs to involve only a fraction of the TV time I currently "enjoy."

There is such a huge difference between resting and wasting time. I think I have made an art form out of wasting time all in the name of rest. Ultimately, that has only increased my stress level, thus creating a greater need for rest. Somehow I always seem to get stuck in these "vicious cycles" (aka bad habits), and find it's like fighting with the tar baby to get out. I think the key is - JUST DO IT. Each day it's gets easier and eventually new habits form.

There is a commercial on TV right now for Jenny Craig and Valerie Bertinelli is talking about how this is the first New Year's in 20 years that losing weight isn't on her resolution list. What resolution is on your list that was there last year and maybe the year before that?

I don't want to get to the end of another year and realize that I spent more time with Tim Gunn and Tyra Banks than I did with Jesus! So - when you see me this next year, ask me what's getting more face time - my Bible or my TV!!

Back on the playground

Something happened at work today that made me feel like I was back in elementary school. It's a long story, just suffice it to say that a memo went out for all to see that on the surface appeared to single me out and give me special treatment. No one in the office knows the whole story, and several people jumped to conclusions - and that's when the gossip and backbiting started. This mentality has been going on for several years, so it's nothing new.

It hurts and angers me when people treat others badly because they step out and do something above and beyond the call of duty. There IS a difference between taking initiative/bettering yourself and brown-nosing. But most people don't see it that way. Unless you are content to sit back with the majority and coast through life with no extra effort, you will be the object of gossip, rumors and slander. And it hurts.

There will be people who come to you one day with their problems or want your help in some way, then verbally stab you in the back the next day. There will be times when you genuinely try to help people, treat them with kindness and even take on extra work that will ultimately benefit them - only to have them turn on you behind your back.

I guess this is all part of living in a fallen world. I was talking to my mom about this tonight, and after a few minutes of my whining, she simply said, "Look at what Jesus had to go through." Well. There really aren't many other statements that will stop you dead in your tracks like that one. My "crappy" day at work is nothing compared to the betrayal Jesus had to endure. No one is chasing me through the streets trying to crucify me. In comparison, my day was a walk in the park.

In a few weeks, I will no longer be working with many of these people. Chances are I will never see most of them again. My flesh so desperately wants to lash out and make sarcastic remarks or simply to snub them. Then my spirit reminds me that I do not want my last impression on these people to be one of mean-spirited pettiness. I know I need to extend grace to them and glorify God in my actions, especially now.

I keep hearing a voice inside that says, "I'm just so tired of getting my feelings hurt." And I am. But no matter where we go in life, there will always be people that will hurt our feelings. People will sometimes react poorly if we attempt to try something new. So as I navigate life, I am trying to remember that hurt people sometimes hurt others. And nothing I encounter this side of heaven will compare to the sacrifice Jesus made for me.

Report cards

I am getting prepared to go back to school and finish my degree. In my preparation, I ordered a copy of my transcripts from my first attempt at college. As I was looking them over, I saw something that I had forgotten. Something that embarrasses me terribly. My very first semester in college, I made a D in a Bible class.


If the class had been Greek or Hebrew or something exotic and difficult, I might not be quite so ashamed. But this class was on the life of Christ. I went to class thinking I knew enough about Jesus that I didn't really need to study. I didn't care for the professor at all. Basically, I didn't take the class seriously. When test day rolls around and you have 85 multiple choice questions in front of you with answers that all sound the same, coasting isn't as easy as you think.


Now, all these years later, I have that one black mark on my college transcripts. And of all things, there it is - like a neon sign: "D in the life of Christ." A friend from work was looking at the transcript and he commented on how shocked he was that I made a D in that class given my "spirituality." How humiliating.


I've been so bothered by that one letter all week. In the grand scheme of things, I guess it's not really that big of a deal, but it's a big deal to me. I'm a little amazed that my apathy and cockiness from all those years ago have come back to haunt me. I could blame it on the teacher or the "tricky" questions or whatever. The fact is, I failed to prepare.

That theme has been coming up a lot for me lately. Being unprepared. I keep going back to the bridesmaids in Matthew 25 who were caught with no oil for their lamps. I so desperately don't want to be in their shoes in any regard. I also wonder how many things I do flippantly or things I don't do everyday that reflect poorly on Jesus. Things I might not think much of now, but things that could come up later - or things I don't give a second thought to, yet cause others to raise an eyebrow. Do I really witness from the inside out, from the top of my head to the tip of my toes?

I know we can't be perfect, but as I examine my mid-term spiritual progress report, I have to wonder what grades would be there. Luckily, the grades section of my report card is covered in Jesus' blood, so we can't see the grades I really deserve. Grace really is amazing.

Now that I'm old...

...Let me impart some of my wisdom. As I reluctantly cross the threshold into my mid-thirties (ahhh, shivers run up and down my spine), I feel it bears upon me to bestow knowledge onto the youngsters of the world. So here's what being 35, unemployed, fat and single have taught me...

1. Don't waste a day of your life. If you hate your job - go home TODAY and start preparing for a new one. I don't care if you update your resume, surf the net, register for school, type up a resignation letter, sell your house and move to Guam. Just do SOMETHING. Don't wait until corporate America takes a dump in your mashed potatoes before you get off your rump and take action. Life is too short to make someone else rich doing something you hate.

2. Be real with people. They need you and you need them. Be kind and considerate, but don't fiddle fart around with people either. If you have something to say, say it. If there's a burr in your saddle - spit it out. If you want to break up, man up and do it. Life's to short to lead people on. There's too much living to be done. But remember - be kind. Living with no regret means just that - in every way.

3. Take no one for granted. That means everyone from the lady at the cash register in Target to your deaf old Aunt Myrtle that drives you crazy. When people call, answer the phone. When they leave a message - call them back. Heck - call someone out of the blue for no reason other than to tell them you are glad they are alive. Return your emails. Call people by name once in while. Smile. Life's too short to be so self-absorbed that we don't take time to recognize and acknowledge the importance of others.

4. Spend time with God EVERYDAY. There is nothing more important than this. It's hard to tap into His peace and hear His voice when you barely know what He sounds like. Fill yourself so much with Him that you begin to become one with His creation. Let His Spirit pour into you so you can truly connect with other people, with nature, with HIM. Life's too short to even attempt to navigate one minute on your own.

5. Be prepared. Think ahead. Plan. Budget. Be responsible. Don't go into debt. Waiting on God and walking in faith are not excuses for failure to plan. God gave us brains, talents and self-control. Remember the bridesmaids in Matthew 25 who were caught with no oil for their lamps. And the parable of the talents also in Matthew 25. Life's too short to be caught with your pants down.

6. Overhaul your temple. Eat right. Exercise. Friggin' get over it and lose weight if you need to. Being unhealthy can be a tremendous hindrance in so many areas of life. Unfortunately studies prove it does influence the way others react to you. It can lower self-esteem, thus reducing your ability to influence others. And it just flat out slows you down. Not to mention that it IS possible to drop dead of a heart attack at a young age. Life's too short to waste time catching your breath.

7. Figure out who YOU are. Explore. Don't be afraid to ask questions. It's okay to look silly in front of others. Figure out what you believe, what you stand for and why. Be different from other people. Never settle for someone else's beliefs, opinions, hobbies or ideas. Think for yourself. Be strong in YOUR identity. Life's too short to live in someone else's shoes.

8. For Heaven's sake, ladies - please DO NOT put your life on hold waiting for a husband. Buy a house. Take a class. Learn to dance. Dress to impress yourself. Go out and have fun. Drink deeply of life. Don't compromise who you are to "land a man." Don't sacrifice your morals in the hopes you will win his heart. And don't sit on the sidelines waiting for a man to complete you. Guys are great, and I love them - but we need to embrace who we are and where we are today (refer to #7 if you need a refresher). Life is too short to waste one single day!!