profundities

Write it down

2008-03-12T21:19:00.000-06:00

My dad is a counselor. He is always telling his clients to journal. He says you need to write it down to get it out. I've never really taken his advice before (no surprise, huh Diddy?). I am one that needs to discover it for myself for some reason. Recently a friend gave me a life-changing book that encourages journaling. So I finally decided to give it a try.

Blogging and journaling are two different things. Journaling involves ripping junk right out of your heart and slapping it down on paper. If you need to cuss, cuss. If you need to change topics at random in the middle of a paragraph - do it. Put pen to paper and write it out long hand. Do whatever it takes - just get the thoughts onto paper.

I have committed to journal 3 pages every morning before getting out of bed. Start the day off fresh - get the junk out and don't carry it into your day with you. Funnily enough, once I started journaling - I can't seem to stop. In the past 7 days, I have written 33 pages. I can't tell you how much better I feel - how much I have learned about myself. It's unreal.

Another thing I have committed to do is NOT going back and re-reading my journal any time soon. The point is to get it out, not go back and mull it over, analyzing the whole mess. At first I was a little inhibited. I thought, "What if someone finds this. Maybe I should put some things in code." I am starting to come out of that. It's a little weird, but the more freely I allow myself to write, the easier it comes.

The best thing about it all is not just learning more about myself. It is receiving clarity on some of the lies I have believed. Seeing new things about God. Understanding who I am in relation to Him. Realizing that I am important and worth something and that's it's OK to take care of me.

If you don't journal - you should start today. I promise it will change your life...

Things to think about...

2008-03-01T20:54:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted in while. Quite frankly, I haven't had much to say. I've been in a reflective mood lately. I promised someone I would start journaling, so I guess I've been expressing myself there. I'm on a path to unearth the real me. I haven't posted lately because I don't want to post something just to fill cyberspace with empty words, but I can offer you this:

"Integrity is a bigger thing than telling the truth. It is about being a certain kind of person. It is about being people who know who we are and what we are, and it is about being true to what we are even when it could cost us more than we should like to pay." -Lewis Smedes

"Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation, because your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are." -John Wooden

"Authenticity is a powerful witness to the presence of God in our lives. It doesn't mean that we're perfect. It means that we're real. It means that we're honest about our imperfections and our struggles. We don't gloss over them and put on a happy Christian face to cover up our pain." -Rory Noland

Whatever you do, forsake all else and follow Him.

Tomorrow is the big day...

2008-02-03T19:14:00.000-06:00

Say a prayer for my Cooper. Tomorrow is his big surgery. Prayerfully they won't find anything wrong.

Photo of the Week

2008-01-27T19:54:00.000-06:00

Sometimes we feel like we somehow got off the path, fell by the wayside, or simply got left behind. We look around and see others who seem to have it all figured out (which, BTW, no one ever does). A temporary or perceived derailment can make you feel lonely or afraid. Take heart - God is right there with you. He knows exactly where you are even if no one else does.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

-Ps 139:7-10

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

-Jer 29:11-13

Eternal Investments

2008-01-25T22:20:00.000-06:00

Well, I did it. Like driving a stake through the heart of a vampire, I did it. I dropped my cable TV. Actually, I kept the basic K-Mart stuff. I guess I'll get the first 11 channels or so. Mainly the networks, which I never watch anyway. But hey - at least if there's a storm within 200 miles of the coast, Rich Thomas will let me know so I can run to Publix and buy all the bread and water with the rest of the irrational population of MGM.

I am somewhat saddened by the "break up" with the cable company. I feel as though I have said good-bye to a dear friend. In fact, as I sit here and type, I am dressed in all black, veil included. Okay, not really - but I am sad nonetheless.

I felt like God has been "suggesting" to me that I lose the cable for some time now. I've been hearing Him without hearing Him, if you know what I mean. I am certain He has some amazing things planned for us to do together now that He has more of my attention, but I sure will miss those BravoTV marathons!

I read an article today written by Jill Carattini (a senior associate writer at Ravi Zacharias International Ministries). The article was about integrity and choices, but the last line really jumped out at me and could apply to almost any situation in life. It read:

What if you were to determine that what you are fostering here on earth, you will discover more of in heaven? Would it change the way you make decisions today?

I invest a lot of time in wasteful things like TV. Please don't misunderstand - there is nothing wrong with watching some TV. But I seem to have an art for taking things to the extreme. I think of TV and other things that I sometimes pour myself into and when run through the filter of Jill's question - there are many things that I wouldn't want MORE of in heaven! I have to wonder how much time I have spent fostering my career or watching TV or developing the fine art of shopping (poor money management). Then I stop to consider...how much time have I spent fostering my relationships, both with God and with others. How much time have I spent developing my character and gifts/talents God has blessed me with?

Again, please know that I think it is perfectly okay to spend a lazy Saturday watching movies every once in a while. I think it's wonderful to have a "pointless" hobby. Shopping, reading books and eating chocolate are all fabulous! But making these things an art form or using them as a replacement for God - that is where they cross the line.

Life is about balance. More importantly - it is about seeing things from an eternal perspective. Making investments in things personally, spiritually, relationally that really matter. The rest is just flash anyway.

Rick Burgess - A Father's Heart part 1

2008-01-24T21:33:00.001-06:00

I assume you've heard about the tragic death of Rick Burgess' (of Rick and Bubba) toddler son. These videos are of Rick speaking at the memorial service. They are powerful and are making a HUGE impact around the country. Please listen and be changed.

Rick Burgess - A Father's Heart part 2

2008-01-24T21:19:00.001-06:00

Rick Burgess - A Father's Heart part 3

2008-01-24T21:18:00.001-06:00

Reactions

2008-01-22T18:53:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about the way I react to things. You know the old saying "Actions speak louder than words." I think reactions speak even louder than that. Reactions usually come from the heart, from the core of who you are. Do my reactions bring glory to Christ? Unfortunately, not always.

Work is one of the most 'reactive' places in my life. I don't know what it is about that place. Maybe we just have more than our fair share of irritating people?? :) Doubt it. I think I am more aware of and convicted about my reactions to life at work than other places. At work, I am surrounded by people that do not know God. Every day I am given the chance to present God to my co-workers through my reactions. I know I fall short too often.

Several things have come together lately to bring this issue to the forefront for me. I was reading the Bible a few days ago and realized I was reacting to a particular scripture like I had many times before. It was several stories about Abraham and Jacob where they lied for various reasons. They seemed to suffer no immediate consequences and, in fact, reaped material gain. My reaction to that has always been to wonder why they were able to lie and not only get away with it, but even seem to get a blessing out of it.

While the reaction was not a new one, the Spirit convicted me this time. I realized that I read the Bible as if I expected God to be more like me. I expected punishment or at least rebuke for their failure to be perfect. I was not reading the stories and seeing a God of mercy and grace who loved and used people despite their imperfections. I became sad to realize that I projected my own imperfections onto God and others, thus expecting God's reaction to more human than Divine.

A week or so later, the sermon at church was on the condition of our hearts. Buddy said that a good indicator of the condition of our hearts was our speech. He put up 2 lists. One had things on it like doubt, gossip, anger, critical, irritable, judging, arrogant, etc. The second had things like love, praise, encouragement, gracious, joyful, testimonies, etc. Unfortunately I found that more of my speech was reflected in the first list. If the mouth is the overflow of the heart, obviously mine needs some work.

I think my attitude at work, my skewed perspective on the Bible and my overall speaking life reflect a heart that has become selfish and worldly. I've been focused too much on things of this world - things that are temporary rather than on things eternal. I am so grateful that God is the loving, patient, merciful, gracious, forgiving God of the Bible rather than the twisted human God I thought He should be (I wouldn't survive serving a God like that)! I'm glad that God cares enough about me to reach right out of the pages of my Bible, tap me on the shoulder and say, "Uh, excuse me. You'll need to read that one again."

Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me.
Ps 51:10

2008-01-19T19:14:00.000-06:00

OK, so I spent a couple of hours organizing and updating my photo gallery online today. Since I've spent all that time, shouldn't someone at least go look at it?

The gift of individuality

2008-01-17T17:40:00.000-06:00

I was listening to Ravi Zacharias today at lunch, and he made a statement that really stood out to me. He said that our most unique gift from God is our individuality. He's given it to no one else. We should embrace who we are, own it - and then give it back to God.

Many times I find myself looking at the lives, ministries and talents of others wishing I were in their shoes. I realized long ago that no one's shoes fit them as well as they seem to. Life is always rubbing blisters and causing aches and pains that others may not notice. We've all heard, "Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes." I think that applies not only to judging someone, but also to envying them.

God has blessed each of us so richly - and so uniquely. I love to see someone in their "element" doing something that truly enables their gifts and passions. It's almost magic to watch. Often times, those magical people are the rare, the few who go against the grain and pursue life with a different purpose and passion than the majority.

Too often we spend all of our energy trying to fit in or become someone else, that we completely miss the individual God gifted us to be. Standing out is scary and sometimes ridiculed. Rather it should be celebrated and embraced. If everyone stood out, no one would.

Christ stood out from the crowd, that's for sure. Yet He never withdrew from who He was (or Whose He was). His life had a purpose and He was confident in that. I think maybe we fight our gift of individuality because we don't understand it. We aren't sure what we are supposed to do with it, so we latch on to someone else who seems to have a cool thing going.

For me, I have to take a step back and rediscover who I am. Spend lots of time with God. The more time I spend with God and with me - the more clearly I can see who I was designed to be and what I was designed to do.

Spiritual Marinade

2008-01-16T20:49:00.000-06:00

I love a good juicy steak or chicken breast that has been marinated well. Man, how that enhances the flavor! I've also eaten my share of unmarinated meat. It'll do, but it's certainly no substitution for the full deal.

While marinating is a virtual miracle in the kitchen, I don't much care for it when I am the "meat." Since I feel like I spend a lot of time marinating spiritually, I decided to look up the term online just to see what I found. I was amused. (Check it out here.)

Of course, we all know that marinating is the process of soaking food in some form of liquid in order to juicy it up. It also helps soften tough meat and vegetables. The marinade is often acidic because that helps break down the tissue and allow it to absorb moisture (thus, the juicy). Here's one thing I didn't know...There is a reaction that occurs within meat when it is char-broiled that is said to produce cancer causing agents. However, if the meat is marinated first, the production of those agents is reduced 92-99%.

When God is trying to soften me up or break me down so I am better able to absorb His Spirit, I am often trying to climb out of the marinade. I'm ready to hop on the grill. If allowed to marinate properly, I'd be "juicy" and when squeezed by life, His Spirit would flow from me more abundantly. But when I try to fore go the marinade and jump right into the flames, I am at greater risk for developing cancer causing agents, thus becoming infected and possibly infecting others.

So I am trying very hard to work on patiently waiting in the marinade. Soaking up all I can. Because, truthfully - when I am finally released to jump into the flames, then I'll be blogging about how hot it is and wishing I was back in the marinade! Oh, that I could simply be open and content where ever I am!

Have a nice day

2008-01-11T16:42:00.000-06:00

Today after work I had to stop by the store (isn't it funny how we use these huge generalities in life? 'The store' as if there's only one store. Anyway - moving on.). As I was leaving, I met a girl at the door. She was about my age, maybe a few years younger. She was coming in as I was leaving. As we both approached the door, she reached it first so she held the door open to allow me to exit. I said, "Thank you" and stepped over the threshold. Then the most amazing thing happened...

She said, "You're welcome. Have a good afternoon."

I was a bit startled at first. Don't get me wrong. I've shared many, "excuse me's" , "thank you's" , and "you're welcome's" over the thresholds of many a doorway. But I don't think I've ever received a follow-up "Have a good afternoon." Wow!

It instantly perked me up and lifted my spirit. I wasn't in a bad mood or anything, just my usual self-absorbed shell where I exist in my head somewhat oblivious to the world around me. Don't worry. I didn't leave her hanging. I did respond with a hearty, "Thanks! You too!"

This girl's simple act and statement of kindness and outreach really impacted my day. So wherever you are, Girl From Hobby Lobby, thank you for bringing a smile to my day!! I hope I can be more like you. The world would certainly be a better place if we all treated each other that way. What is it the new Allstate commercial says? Drive like there are real people on the road with you rather than just something that's in your way (or something like that).

God in the Flesh

2008-01-10T18:25:00.000-06:00

For the past few weeks I have been listening to a couple of speakers on Christian radio at lunch. The Bible studies and lessons are always timely. For the past couple of days I've been listening to a guy named Stuart McAlister. Today he cited this quote:

"The incarnation should be the model for missions."

The Word became flesh and dwelt among us. (John 1:14)

Are we living as God in the flesh to the world around us? Jesus' whole being was to bring others into a relationship with God. Is mine? Whether we are at home, at work, overseas, at the grocery store. Does my life cause the word to become flesh to those around me? Does my life really revolve around bringing Christ to the world?

Another thing that hit me there is "dwelt among us." I have been blessed to have had many non-believing friends throughout my life. I know this is something a lot of Christians struggle with - only having friends at church. Sometimes my non-Christian friends teach me more about God and Christianity than church does. My non-believing friends keep me grounded in a different way than my Christian friends do. They help me see beyond the starch, fake, church act we sometimes play with each other. Often times they are more quick to call me out when I step out of line. They keep me real.

On the flip side, while the lost of the world may not have a relationship with God - who do they often turn to when they have a crisis or a question? One of His children. When their lives fall apart or they need support, they may come seeking advice or even prayer. It is in these times that I hope I am able to help them see it is God they really seek.

This lesson today had so much good information (way too much to share in one post) but that one statement really reminded me that I need to remember that my life should cause the word to become flesh, a walking sermon if you will, to the lost around me. At the same time, I need to actually dwell among some unbelievers if I ever intend to minister to any!

Time in the ark

2008-01-08T20:08:00.000-06:00

I was reading about Noah the other day, and something struck a chord with me. First, I've never really paid attention to the fact that they were in the ark for almost one year. I'm sure I've heard this before, but that point never really settled into the wrinkles in my brain. I mention it because I am a person that wants instant answers and instant fixes. The idea of being trapped in a big smelly boat full of animals and no lido deck makes me want to gnaw my foot off - let alone being stuck there for a YEAR!

Then I realized that sometimes God needs to put us in a place of confinement for our protection, healing and growth. He may surround us only with what we need. Food, shelter and family. We may experience this as a result of some cleansing He is doing in our world around us - but often times it is because He needs to do some cleansing within us.

I recently decided that I will need to move back home for a couple of years. I love my family dearly and have no problems living with them. But I dread the thought of temporarily giving up my independence and reducing my living quarters to one small bedroom. Then I read the story of Noah. It made me realize that this is my ark time. Some changes need to be made. Cleansing needs to take place. Rebuilding needs to be done.

So I welcome this upcoming period of "confinement." I look forward to the day God opens the door and I step out into a whole new refreshing beginning.

2008-01-03T21:03:00.000-06:00

With each breath I take, I realize how gracious God is. I stand amazed and completely awed by the extent of His compassion and mercy. His patience is so far-reaching that I cannot comprehend it. He has the gentle touch of a feather, yet rules with the power of a thousand mighty warriors. He seems to be such an all encompassing contradiction in terms. Better yet, He wants ME to know Him with an intimacy like nothing I've ever known.

Each morning as we walk through the dusty sands of Bible times, He gently takes my hand and I feel His breath fall over me like a cool breeze. He enlightens my soul, heals my wounds and calms my fears. He delights in playful waiting - never with intentions to harm, rather to teach and to test. I see that glimmer in His eye when I succumb to His plan and yield my own. I also feel the reassuring touch of His hand when I am likened to an untamed horse - bucking and screeching under the reins. And that patience remains - firm and steady, ushering me into a place of peace.

I hear the quick drawing of His breath as He looks on my timid steps. I see the slight smile that edges across His face as I gain my footing. Faith and strength slowly building like the new legs of a fresh-birthed fawn.

Oh, to please only Him.

No room at the Inn

2007-12-17T18:35:00.000-06:00

I read an article the other day that talked about Jesus' birth. How sad it was that no one would make room for Him. Didn't they realize who He was, etc. Then it asked this question, "Do we have room in our Inn for Jesus this Christmas season?"

I have been thinking a lot about that question. Not only during Christmas, but all year long. It seems to be something I wrestle with a lot. I am so easily side-tracked and distracted. If I lived in Bible times, would I have turned Jesus away too? Too busy with daily life to notice Him? How often do I turn Him away in my daily life now? How often do I plow through a day without stopping to include Him? How often do I make plans without asking what His plan is for me? How many times do I take Him for granted, living without gratitude for grace?

I have noticed lately that TV seems to be a huge time vacuum for me. I've always known that I watched too much TV, but not until recently have I realized just how much. A few weeks ago I fasted from TV for a week. I was seeking God in prayer over an issue, so I decided to remove that distraction. I am still amazed by the amount of prayer time and other things I was able to accomplish that week.

Now that TV is back in my life, the laundry is piling up. The house is a mess. I have fallen behind in my reading list. So many loose ends are dangling around. And I feel more stressed and unsettled. All that "resting" I do in front of the TV sure is exhausting!

I've heard of people who radically put their TVs on the curb and decided to brave life without one. I haven't been able to muster up the courage to do that just yet - but I really feel convicted that my New Year needs to involve only a fraction of the TV time I currently "enjoy."

There is such a huge difference between resting and wasting time. I think I have made an art form out of wasting time all in the name of rest. Ultimately, that has only increased my stress level, thus creating a greater need for rest. Somehow I always seem to get stuck in these "vicious cycles" (aka bad habits), and find it's like fighting with the tar baby to get out. I think the key is - JUST DO IT. Each day it's gets easier and eventually new habits form.

There is a commercial on TV right now for Jenny Craig and Valerie Bertinelli is talking about how this is the first New Year's in 20 years that losing weight isn't on her resolution list. What resolution is on your list that was there last year and maybe the year before that?

I don't want to get to the end of another year and realize that I spent more time with Tim Gunn and Tyra Banks than I did with Jesus! So - when you see me this next year, ask me what's getting more face time - my Bible or my TV!!

Back on the playground

2007-12-07T22:56:00.000-06:00

Something happened at work today that made me feel like I was back in elementary school. It's a long story, just suffice it to say that a memo went out for all to see that on the surface appeared to single me out and give me special treatment. No one in the office knows the whole story, and several people jumped to conclusions - and that's when the gossip and backbiting started. This mentality has been going on for several years, so it's nothing new.

It hurts and angers me when people treat others badly because they step out and do something above and beyond the call of duty. There IS a difference between taking initiative/bettering yourself and brown-nosing. But most people don't see it that way. Unless you are content to sit back with the majority and coast through life with no extra effort, you will be the object of gossip, rumors and slander. And it hurts.

There will be people who come to you one day with their problems or want your help in some way, then verbally stab you in the back the next day. There will be times when you genuinely try to help people, treat them with kindness and even take on extra work that will ultimately benefit them - only to have them turn on you behind your back.

I guess this is all part of living in a fallen world. I was talking to my mom about this tonight, and after a few minutes of my whining, she simply said, "Look at what Jesus had to go through." Well. There really aren't many other statements that will stop you dead in your tracks like that one. My "crappy" day at work is nothing compared to the betrayal Jesus had to endure. No one is chasing me through the streets trying to crucify me. In comparison, my day was a walk in the park.

In a few weeks, I will no longer be working with many of these people. Chances are I will never see most of them again. My flesh so desperately wants to lash out and make sarcastic remarks or simply to snub them. Then my spirit reminds me that I do not want my last impression on these people to be one of mean-spirited pettiness. I know I need to extend grace to them and glorify God in my actions, especially now.

I keep hearing a voice inside that says, "I'm just so tired of getting my feelings hurt." And I am. But no matter where we go in life, there will always be people that will hurt our feelings. People will sometimes react poorly if we attempt to try something new. So as I navigate life, I am trying to remember that hurt people sometimes hurt others. And nothing I encounter this side of heaven will compare to the sacrifice Jesus made for me.

Report cards

2007-12-06T22:59:00.000-06:00

I am getting prepared to go back to school and finish my degree. In my preparation, I ordered a copy of my transcripts from my first attempt at college. As I was looking them over, I saw something that I had forgotten. Something that embarrasses me terribly. My very first semester in college, I made a D in a Bible class.

If the class had been Greek or Hebrew or something exotic and difficult, I might not be quite so ashamed. But this class was on the life of Christ. I went to class thinking I knew enough about Jesus that I didn't really need to study. I didn't care for the professor at all. Basically, I didn't take the class seriously. When test day rolls around and you have 85 multiple choice questions in front of you with answers that all sound the same, coasting isn't as easy as you think.

Now, all these years later, I have that one black mark on my college transcripts. And of all things, there it is - like a neon sign: "D in the life of Christ." A friend from work was looking at the transcript and he commented on how shocked he was that I made a D in that class given my "spirituality." How humiliating.

I've been so bothered by that one letter all week. In the grand scheme of things, I guess it's not really that big of a deal, but it's a big deal to me. I'm a little amazed that my apathy and cockiness from all those years ago have come back to haunt me. I could blame it on the teacher or the "tricky" questions or whatever. The fact is, I failed to prepare.

That theme has been coming up a lot for me lately. Being unprepared. I keep going back to the bridesmaids in Matthew 25 who were caught with no oil for their lamps. I so desperately don't want to be in their shoes in any regard. I also wonder how many things I do flippantly or things I don't do everyday that reflect poorly on Jesus. Things I might not think much of now, but things that could come up later - or things I don't give a second thought to, yet cause others to raise an eyebrow. Do I really witness from the inside out, from the top of my head to the tip of my toes?

I know we can't be perfect, but as I examine my mid-term spiritual progress report, I have to wonder what grades would be there. Luckily, the grades section of my report card is covered in Jesus' blood, so we can't see the grades I really deserve. Grace really is amazing.

Now that I'm old...

2007-11-27T22:29:00.000-06:00

...Let me impart some of my wisdom. As I reluctantly cross the threshold into my mid-thirties (ahhh, shivers run up and down my spine), I feel it bears upon me to bestow knowledge onto the youngsters of the world. So here's what being 35, unemployed, fat and single have taught me...

1. Don't waste a day of your life. If you hate your job - go home TODAY and start preparing for a new one. I don't care if you update your resume, surf the net, register for school, type up a resignation letter, sell your house and move to Guam. Just do SOMETHING. Don't wait until corporate America takes a dump in your mashed potatoes before you get off your rump and take action. Life is too short to make someone else rich doing something you hate.

2. Be real with people. They need you and you need them. Be kind and considerate, but don't fiddle fart around with people either. If you have something to say, say it. If there's a burr in your saddle - spit it out. If you want to break up, man up and do it. Life's to short to lead people on. There's too much living to be done. But remember - be kind. Living with no regret means just that - in every way.

3. Take no one for granted. That means everyone from the lady at the cash register in Target to your deaf old Aunt Myrtle that drives you crazy. When people call, answer the phone. When they leave a message - call them back. Heck - call someone out of the blue for no reason other than to tell them you are glad they are alive. Return your emails. Call people by name once in while. Smile. Life's too short to be so self-absorbed that we don't take time to recognize and acknowledge the importance of others.

4. Spend time with God EVERYDAY. There is nothing more important than this. It's hard to tap into His peace and hear His voice when you barely know what He sounds like. Fill yourself so much with Him that you begin to become one with His creation. Let His Spirit pour into you so you can truly connect with other people, with nature, with HIM. Life's too short to even attempt to navigate one minute on your own.

5. Be prepared. Think ahead. Plan. Budget. Be responsible. Don't go into debt. Waiting on God and walking in faith are not excuses for failure to plan. God gave us brains, talents and self-control. Remember the bridesmaids in Matthew 25 who were caught with no oil for their lamps. And the parable of the talents also in Matthew 25. Life's too short to be caught with your pants down.

6. Overhaul your temple. Eat right. Exercise. Friggin' get over it and lose weight if you need to. Being unhealthy can be a tremendous hindrance in so many areas of life. Unfortunately studies prove it does influence the way others react to you. It can lower self-esteem, thus reducing your ability to influence others. And it just flat out slows you down. Not to mention that it IS possible to drop dead of a heart attack at a young age. Life's too short to waste time catching your breath.

7. Figure out who YOU are. Explore. Don't be afraid to ask questions. It's okay to look silly in front of others. Figure out what you believe, what you stand for and why. Be different from other people. Never settle for someone else's beliefs, opinions, hobbies or ideas. Think for yourself. Be strong in YOUR identity. Life's too short to live in someone else's shoes.

8. For Heaven's sake, ladies - please DO NOT put your life on hold waiting for a husband. Buy a house. Take a class. Learn to dance. Dress to impress yourself. Go out and have fun. Drink deeply of life. Don't compromise who you are to "land a man." Don't sacrifice your morals in the hopes you will win his heart. And don't sit on the sidelines waiting for a man to complete you. Guys are great, and I love them - but we need to embrace who we are and where we are today (refer to #7 if you need a refresher). Life is too short to waste one single day!!

Be of good cheer!

2007-11-21T00:04:00.000-06:00

My favorite Psalm: Psalm 86

A verse that changed my life: Jeremiah 40:4

Verses God showed me today: Psalm 27:11,13-14

As most of you know, I recently lost my job. God is doing some AMAZING things within this whole process. I can't wait until He releases me to share the whole story with you. He is creating such a testimony within me right now. I still don't know where He will ultimately take me or how He will work out the details, but He is so alive and present in my everyday. It is almost as if He peeled back the sky and allowed me to inhale a deep, fresh breath of Heaven. I stand amazed in His presence and power.

I am 100% convinced that God allows us to walk through various fires because He can use them to weave such intricate and beautiful patterns into the fabric of our lives. We, in turn, can use that fabric to wrap around the hurting, hopeless, and lost around us.

We are not a people without hope. We are not a people of weakness. We are not a people ruled by fear. We serve the Most High God. He directs our steps. He knows the plans He has for us - plans to prosper us, not to harm us. God is good - and He longs for the chance to prove that to us in any and every situation.

17 New Revelations

2007-11-15T22:07:00.000-06:00

1. I'm more disposable that I thought I was.
2. Getting laid off feels like breaking up.
3. What you feel is what you feel. Just because others don't understand it doesn't mean it isn't valid.
4. No one cares as much about your well-being as you do (okay, except for God and maybe mom & dad...)
5. You don't have to make decisions based on anyone else's time table.
6. Being upset and not eating doesn't always mean you lose weight.
7. Even when others get frustrated and give up on you, God never will.
8. Just because my faith doesn't look like yours doesn't mean I don't have any.
9. Sometimes having friends hurts a lot.
10. I am a pack rat with WAY too much stuff.
11. It's okay to do the unexpected.
12. I have a closet full of clothes yet have nothing to wear.
13. When you're scared, there's no place like home.
14. Encouragement has a short shelf-life.
15. God gives us the freedom of choice more often than we think.
16. When something bad happens, well-meaning people will hurt your feelings with unintended flippancy.
17. Being pro-active is part of waiting on God.

God is Good - Regardless

2007-11-13T22:10:00.000-06:00

So much has happened since my last post. So many things have happened to so many people I love, and so much has happened to me. Some days I feel like I am surrounded by tragedy, but I am too weak to help anyone. And I am so tired. I know God hears our cries, but for whatever reason He hasn't taken us out of the fire yet.

Within the past 2 months or so, one of my best friend's suffered a life-altering ordeal. Another good friend passed away. Another best friend's mom had to have life-saving brain surgery. Several people from church died. I lost my job (and so did several of my close friends that work with me). Another good friend is moving away. One of my parents' close friends is in ICU and was in a drug-induced coma until a couple of days ago. A friend at work had to put her dog to sleep. I could go on, but I won't. I can't remember the last time such suffering has lingered so long on our doorstep.

Some days I get so overwhelmed that I feel like I simply can't go on. I keep trying to shut down and slip into a state of denial and inactivity. My dad, being a counselor, has been staying on my case helping me to realize that what I am truly facing is depression. I don't think I've ever felt this level of depression before - the kind that almost immobilizes you. I can't imagine what it must be like for people that suffer from this on an ongoing basis. My heart hurts for them.

Each time I slow down, there my dad is - like a cattle prod - telling me to do something. I cry a lot these days. Tonight was a really tough night for some reason. I came home from a friend's house and just sat down and cried for a long time. As soon as the tears stopped, I forced myself to immediately get up and do something positive. What I really wanted to do is go to bed. But I got up, made a phone call that needed to be made and immediately felt a little better. That, in turn, inspired me to do one more thing. So here I am - a few accomplishments later, and I feel a little better. My situation hasn't changed, but my total sense of helplessness and despair is better.

My thoughts and outlook seem to change hourly these days. I know I will bounce back, but it's taking longer than I expected. Honestly, I haven't suffered too many life-altering blows in my life, so I've been lucky. I guess these down times hit me really hard because I am usually a pretty upbeat person. So this is tough. But God has been teaching me some amazing things lately. He has been surrounding me with so many wise and spiritually rich people. Oh, what a blessing they have been. Someone told me a week ago that several of them were going to believe for me until I could believe. They would be excited about what God was doing in my situation until I could be excited. They were standing for me when I could not stand. Wow. Isn't God good?

I will share my experiences with God in the next few days. He is the One true God - our Provider, Comforter, Teacher, Healer, Father, King and Friend. Oh - how He loves us. How perfect and wonderful and praiseworthy He is. I hope things are going well in your life today. If not, be encouraged. I have seen the Lord - and HE IS GOOD.

The Smiles of God

2007-10-25T21:22:00.000-06:00

There's been a lot of talk about the names of God. But what about the smiles of God? People say "God smiled on me today." What does that look like? We all have a million and one different smiles that dance across our faces at some point. There's the "I'm up to something," the "Hey, watch this," the "sheepish," the "smiling through tears," the "isn't he so sweet," the "inside joke," the "courtesy smile," the "unspoken conversation across a crowded room smile," the "silent victory," the "self-satisfaction," the "proud momma," the "I'm about to plant one on you," and endless others.

I think God has a million and one smiles too. When He smiles, sometimes I think His teeth must be like a jack'o-lantern and that's where the sunbeams come from. When the sun shines during a rain, is that His smiling through tears? I know He smiles when we do something funny or good or when we trip over our own feet while trying to take baby steps of faith. Sometimes I think He smiles at us through little babies or puppy dogs (y'all know they grin...). God's smiles are all around us and in us and on us. I can't NOT smile when someone smiles at me. Stands to reason if I recognized more of His smiles, mine would multiply in return.

Family portraits are so much fun!

2007-10-24T18:36:00.000-06:00

Well, they say the nut doesn't fall far from the tree..... Here's my family tree. Explains a lot, huh?

Dad at Comedy Barn

2007-10-21T09:57:00.001-06:00

I laughed until I cried...this is GREAT!!

Realizations

2007-10-17T22:52:00.000-06:00

I attended the funeral of a very dear friend yesterday. I can honestly say that it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I don't remember most of the drive home, and I cried so much last night that I made myself sick. Not only am I sad that my friend is gone, I am filled with regret that I let so much time lapse without seeing him.

Wayne lived in another city, a city I used to live in. I went through some painful times in that city, so it was just easier to leave and never look back. The only problem is that I left the good with the bad. I don't deal well with good-bye's, so when I left that city, I left everything including all the people I love. I treat separation like ripping off a band-aid. Move on, get it over with quick so it won't hurt so much. But the hurt has a way of catching up with you one way or the other.

As I drove back to Phenix City, I was filled with anxiety. So many people I had not seen in years. Some doors I needed to close. Friendships that had fallen by the wayside. The reunion was so bittersweet. People embraced me like I was the long lost missing link. With some we just hugged and cried and spoke very little. Words weren't needed. These people are a part of me. We share a past and memories that will never be forgotten. The times I spent with them are emblazoned on my soul and helped mold me into who I am. Everyone looked older. Some were now divorced, some widowed. Some had kids. But each and every one of them had the same spirit, you could see it in their eyes. We are all so different, yet we are all the same. I guess it's like that when you become a part of someone.

The service was very sweet. We laughed and cried. We sang. Wayne's brother, Benny, told stories that we all related to. In that moment, we sat there as one, both grief-stricken yet joyful. Being a Christian is really weird sometimes. You develop these instant bonds with people you don't even know. They grow into your life and their spirit takes root and becomes part of your foundation. They die and we are both happy and sad. Sad for us to be without them, happy that they are with Jesus (saving us a seat on the front row).

As I said, I am burdened by a tremendous sense of regret that I let so many years pass between visits. Wayne knew that I love him. I have no doubt about that. While I regret that I won't get to tell him just one last time how much I love him this side of heaven, I am grateful that I will have that chance some day. As I mingled among so many old friends yesterday, I was filled with such a longing for them. I genuinely miss them. I've been thinking a lot about regret today. I don't want to reach another significant event in my life and have it overshadowed by regret. I don't want to reach the end of another ordinary day and look back on it with regret.

Wayne taught me so many things in my life. He changed the way I think about things. He helped me learn to laugh at myself (he certainly laughed at me enough!). He always told me to "be sweet." He even influenced my love for music (I am crazy about 70's music thanks to him). I learned some new things about him yesterday that I didn't know. And yet again, he touched my life. Even now, I am still learning from him....live without regret.

Sad Goodbye

2007-10-13T22:47:00.000-06:00

I got a call today that a friend of mine passed away this morning. He unexpectedly died of a heart attack. He wasn't overweight or terribly unhealthy. He just died suddenly. He was one of the sweetest and most fun people I ever knew. He had a tremendous impact on my life - even down to influencing the kind of music I like. I am shocked and saddened tonight that he is gone.

I had not talked to Wayne in a while. Circumstances of life sort of took us in different directions, but every time I saw him it was as if no time had passed and no words need be spoken. There are so few people on earth that you connect with in that manner. You know the ones you can look at across a room and have a full conversation without ever uttering a sound. I wish I could see him just one more time to make sure I told him how much he means to me, but with Wayne, I think he knew. At least I hope he did.

I will, at some point, post a blog about him. For now, I just can't put it into words.

If there is someone in your life that you haven't seen in a while or, heck, someone you had lunch with today that you haven't expressed your gratitude, love or appreciation for - please don't wait another day.

Sacrificing Self

2007-10-01T18:44:00.000-06:00

For the past couple of weeks, I have been doing some examining of my life - who I am, what I am about, my passions, the things that drive me, and the things that always seem to trip me up. I have begun to realize with more clarity than ever how remarkably selfish I am. Like looking at one of those 3-D prints, I can finally see the picture. So many of the things that cause me to feel defeated in life are a direct result of selfishness. Of all these realizations, here's the one that hit me hardest: I am astounded to realize how rarely I tell myself "no." Selfishness has mushroomed into self-indulgent gluttony in many areas of my life.

As a society, we live in a world of instant gratification. We are under tremendous amounts of debt. We are overweight and suffering the physical health problems that follow. We are immune to the numerous four letter words that are littered throughout our television lives. Relationships are not sacred and have almost become disposable. All as a result of feeding our greedy flesh whatever it desires. No restraints.

As I read about Jesus in the book of John, His primary goal in life was to serve, honor and obey God. He was homeless. He ran with a pack of misfits and hung out with the seedy, undesirables from town. He hardly ever had an uninterrupted moment to Himself. Isn't it funny that even Jesus' life wasn't all about Him?! He was JESUS. The Son of God and Savior of the world - and even He was not focused on Himself. He lived to serve God. His one desire was that people came to know the Father.

Everyone I know has a hang-up of some sort. That is part of being human. While I truly believe that God uses these hang-up's as a tool to draw us closer to Him, I don't believe He intends for us to stay married to these problems and hang on to them like life support. There are so many other ways He can reveal Himself to us and teach us things. And if we weren't playing merri-go-round with our sins, we might have more time to focus on leading others to Him. It seems to come full circle back to selfishness. I wonder how many of our hang-up's, fears, sins and various other problems could be resolved with genuine sacrificial living and the crucifixion of selfishness.

Hot Pockets

2007-09-25T22:06:00.001-06:00

Well, it finally happened... Today at work one of my co-workers told me she was going to the breakroom to heat up her Hot Pocket for lunch. Much to her surprise, I burst out laughing and was unable to adequately explain why. So for all of you that choose to eat Hot Pockets in my presence, here's why I'm laughing... (thanks, Jon)

Forgive Jesus?

2007-09-17T22:10:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I sat spellbound as I listened to someone share an encounter they'd had with God. First, I am always intrigued anytime someone is willing to reveal details of an exchange with Him. Hearing from God is often such a misunderstood and mystical event that it continues to challenge and stretch me. But this particular encounter with the Most High stopped me in my tracks and puts things in slow motion when I stop to think about it.

My friend had been hurt by something, and as a result had become angry with God. In the course of her struggle with Him, Jesus asked her if she could forgive Him. Errrrrrrrk....beep...beep...beep - back it up. What? Jesus asked you what? She went on to explain that He wasn't asking for forgiveness - He had done nothing wrong. He was asking if she could forgive Him - could she get passed it and let go of her anger.

That painted such a beautiful picture of Jesus to me. A picture of a Savior that truly approaches us with compassion. What a picture of gentle strength and quiet power. He seeks us where we are and reaches into our hearts to massage away the pain, the hurt, the guilt and the sin. He is the friend who holds our hair as we puke in the toilet of life (bet you never heard that in a study on the names of God...but honestly - is there a truer friend than that?).

Sometimes I hold back with Jesus. I even avoid Him from time to time. I do this because I believe the lies Satan tells me about my need to be perfect. And since I am never perfect, I often find myself running from God in some futile and irrational effort to hide my imperfection. I am baffled as to why I will allow my earthly friends to see my flaws, yet try to hide them from the One who sees everything. Maybe I feel some small amount of control over how well others know me, yet with God there is no control. The thought that Someone could know me so deeply and intimately is scary to me. Therefore, I strap on my fig leaves and run and hide.

We had Friend Day at church yesterday, and Buddy preached about Jesus being our friend. His lesson was my all time favorite "Best of Buddy Bell" sermon on Peter and Jesus. In the past 10 - 15 years or so, I have heard variations of this lesson from Buddy 3 times in various settings. And I sit on the edge of my seat every time. I would have to say it is my all time favorite sermon. He spoke about Peter and Jesus. When Peter walked on water and began to sink, Jesus immediately reached down and grabbed him. Even after Peter denied Jesus, He pursued Peter. He met Peter where he was mentally, emotionally and spiritually. He knew Peter wasn't perfect, and He loved Him anyway.

The more I learn about Jesus, the more I see that my drive for perfection is not of Him. He meets me where I am and works with what's on my heart that day. He doesn't overwhelm me with a laundry list of growth steps and future spiritual "achievements" He expects of me. He takes what's on my plate today, and we go from there.

Rain Dancer

2007-08-30T21:53:00.000-06:00

Twice this week I have driven home from work in the rain. I don't mean a drizzle kind of rain, I mean a real meat and potatoes, fat man kind of rain. I joined my fellow Americans in fleeing like cockroaches from sunlight, just trying to get home and get out of the wet.

As I drove through my neighborhood on one of those days, I saw a young girl standing out on the sidewalk in front of her house. She stood there watching traffic go by with a look of complete amusement and mischief. I'm sure she relished all the strange looks she got by grumpy adults that sped by. I too was taken aback when I noticed her, and I'm sure my surprise registered on my face.

When I passed her house, I watched her in my rear view mirror. She raised her arms toward heaven and began to twirl and dance. The rain washing over her and splashing on her face. I was transported back to my own childhood when I used to play in the rain. What a time of carefree joy.

I think we all need to spend more time out in the rain twirling and dancing. We take life way to seriously some times.

Blood Suckers

2007-07-31T21:57:00.000-06:00

I just killed a mosquito. There he sat, loosening the little buckle on his tiny little pants, getting ready to kick back and take a nap after filling his belly. Just picture his little feet crossed and his eyelids getting heavy as he lets out a little sigh of satisfaction.

**SQUISH!!**

Don't feel sorry for him. That little leech just invaded my privacy. He violated me and stole my very life force without even so much as a warning. At least the Red Cross has the decency to call you every 3 minutes to beg and plead before they drain your veins.

To make matters worse, when I squished him - he had the audacity to squirt my own blood all over my desk. That little glutton took advantage of me, then left a mess for me to clean up. Not to mention that I will be scratching my elbow all night where he dug his little fangs in for a nice big gulp.

People can be sort of like mosquitoes sometimes. I think everyone I know has had a "mosquito" in their life at some point or another. Well - for all of you mosquito victims out there, I will plant a tiny flag of victory tonight (metaphorically speaking, of course).

Call me Franky

2007-07-31T21:43:00.000-06:00

Well, a lot has transpired since my last post. Let's see...I put my house on the market on July 11. It sold on July 12, and I have to be out by August 3rd. I put my house hunting into high gear and also found a house that I love. So I will sell my house at 9:30 and buy one at 10:30 this Friday.

Last week I was leaving my parents house and just as I got to the car, I stepped off the curb wrong and sprained my ankle. As I lay in the street on my back like a dead bug, my mom was running back and forth from the car to the house. I asked her to gather all of my belongings (that also when scattering into the street the same time I did) and take them back inside. I had already loaded the pup in the car, so she had to get him back in the house. By then I was able to stop writhing in pain long enough to hop back inside.

I went to the doctor yesterday since my foot still looks like an inflated latex glove. He mashed and poked on it as all good doctors do (I wonder if they have Mashing 101 and Poking & Prodding 201 in med school). I was fine with the mashing until he took to twisting. Twice I almost stood on my eyelashes when he janked it too far to one side. Ultimately that landed me three weeks in physical therapy - oh, and I am now wearing a gigantic frankenstein boot. The boot is actually pretty awesome. It's super comfy and the sole of it is curved like a rocking chair. So it's pretty cool to walk and stand in. If only I had a matching pair...

I start PT tomorrow. I'm sure they will want me to scratch the back of my neck with my third toe or try to lift a boulder with one foot. If luck holds true to form, my therapist will be a close relative of Agatha Trunchbull (the principal from Matilda).

One of the girls at work has started calling me Criptonite. I can't imagine why. Well, at least I haven't set myself on fire lately...

Procrastination

2007-07-10T00:01:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure why I am writing this post. I should be either sleeping or cleaning or painting or packing or something. Why is it that some of us completely shut down when faced with a gargantuan task? I've noticed other people around me that rise to the challenge of a huge task. They work hard, pace themselves, and seem to exist on a never ending stream of enthusiasm. Then there's me. I stand back, look at the task at hand, analyze it from all sides, measure it up good, plan various ways to approach it, then go off and watch TV, write, draw, read, surf the net, paint my toenails or play with my dog. When the task at hand isn't something that particularly excites me, it feels as though cement is coursing through my veins. It's all I can do to step beyond procrastination and actually get to work.

I am getting ready to sell my house. My parents and one of my best friends have been helping me paint and do various other fix-up's around my place. I knew that I would never get the thing listed if I didn't put myself on a deadline. So I set a time goal and made an appointment with my realtor. That motivated my mom - she works like the Energizer Bunny. All I can think is, "Geez, mom. We've been doing this for 30 minutes now. Can't we stop and take a break. Let's chew our food really slow at lunch so we can sit here longer." Yet she keeps right on working. Since I can't have my own mother working like a dog in my own house, I feel compelled to get in there right beside her.

I think that's why God put us together. "Us" as Christians, I mean. I guess He knew the scattered and lazy lot of us would be laying in a ditch somewhere were it not for the consistently motivated among us. So, my energetic brethren (and sistren), I raise my glass to you. Thank you for inspiring the ADD, frantic, tardy and often unorganized. I know it may seem that we are oblivious to your dedication, yet I assure you - we are not. While we may be flying in on a dime everywhere we go, we secretly long for that peaceful pace at which you seem to live. That ever illusive "togetherness" that is always just beyond our grasp. Thank you for your patience as we blow in like a tornado with 10 teacups spinning in sticks. God knew we needed you.

Can I Get a Witness?

2007-06-28T21:15:00.000-06:00

Approximately nine years ago, I applied for a different job with my company. The job would have been a slight promotion with a little higher salary. At the time, all I saw were dollar signs. I completed the application process and interviewed for the job. Much to my dismay, they hired someone else. How dare! I was hurt. Well, mostly my pride was hurt. I couldn't understand why I didn't get this job. God simply said "no" with no further explanation.

Now nine years later, that entire department has been dissolved. The girl who was hired instead of me lost her job. As far as I know, she still has not found another job. Insurance jobs are pretty hard to come by in Montgomery. Looking back, I see now that God was looking out for me. At the time, I couldn't understand why. More money seemed like a good thing. The manager of that department actually became a good friend of mine. I would have done a good job for him. And yet God said "no."

Over the years I worked my way up in my department. I actually now have a job that is a higher pay grade than that one would have ever been. And I still have a job. I am reminded that sometimes God says 'no' even when it hurts our feelings in the moment. But we do not serve a random or petty God. Our God is purposeful. He is training us like ivy. Ivy must be tied to a pole and trained to grow a certain way. Over time, after enough growth has occurred, you can untie the ivy and it will continue to grow in the right direction. His "no's" always have a purpose. We may not see it for years to come, if ever. But rest assured, His restraint is for our benefit.

On being refined

2007-06-26T18:55:00.000-06:00

I am getting ready to paint my hallway. At some point in the past the prior owners of my lovely home did a real wiggyjack job on patching a place in the sheet rock. So I've gone in and applied sheet rock mud in an attempt to smooth it out. After the sheet rock mud dries, it has to be sanded. The sanding process creates a lot of fine white dust.

Tonight as I sanded, I started thinking about the process. As the refiner, I am having to do a lot of work to get this stuff smooth. I put a spotlight in the hallway to make sure I could see really well. I am covered in dust and have probably breathed in who knows how much of it. The wall just sat there.

When God is refining me, I often think He is just sitting there doing nothing. I accuse Him of leaving me out in the cold or ignoring me. In fact, the opposite is true. God is the one working on me. He is putting in the elbow grease to smooth out the edges. He is covered with the dust of my refinement (often in the form of my complaints).

I can only imagine how difficult and frustrating it would have been for me if that wall was squirming around, complaining and trying to run away as I sanded. The process would have taken so much longer. Hmmm. Something to think about...

Hangin' with Jesus at the well

2007-06-17T22:16:00.000-06:00

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have been studying the book of John lately. The weird thing about this study is that it seems as if I am meeting Jesus for the first time. It's like being back in school where you see this guy in the hallway every day, know where his locker is, know the crowd he runs with - but you only know of that world rather than living in that world. Or maybe it's a movie star, you know the Tiger Beat mini posters you hang all over your room.....and Kirk's favorite color is blue, he likes to swim and his favorite movie is Teen Wolf. Oh my gosh! Mine too. Then one day this intimate stranger steps in your path and asks to carry your books.

It's not that I've never read the book of John before. It's not that I'm not a Christian. It's not that I don't pray or don't have a relationship with God. It's just that lately, for whatever reason, Jesus has come alive in some Princess Bride kind of way. It's gone beyond my Grandpa reading the story to me, and I have stepped into the story as Princess Buttercup.

In studying the book of John, my friends and I have been seeking a lot of information on Biblical culture and traditions of the times. It really will change the entire Biblical experience for you. Words have new meaning. The scriptures dance on the page. I can hear the laughter and dancing, and even smell the grapes as Jesus turned water into wine in Cana. I can hear the flutter of doves wings and coins clinking on the ground as Jesus turns over the tables in temple. But what really gets me is the Samaritan woman at the well.

This woman is me; she is all of us. No, we may not be living in the shadow of 5 ex-husbands and shacking up with a new man. Her sin is irrelevant - her sin symbolizes all of our sin. If we look past the sin, as Jesus did, we see this incredible interaction between her and Jesus. Imagine how hot it must have been, noon and the sun is beating down. You've just hauled this mammoth water jar down to the well. Suddenly, going against all things proper and decent - this man strikes up a convo with you. Can't you just see the compassion in his eyes? I see him walking slowly around the well as we talk. He sips water from a ladle and pours some onto the dusty ground. His friends show up, yet he does not break eye contact with me. He sacrifices all cultural norms along with his very reputation to make a point. Not only that, he camps out there for two days - defiling himself by Jewish standards so that many Samaritans will come to know him.

I am so moved by this story. Again, I am this woman. I am unworthy to be acknowledged by Jesus, yet he throws justice and tradition aside to make me feel loved. He gently teaches me and guides me toward the path of life. Jesus is all about us. The very One that gives us life puts himself on the back burner and focuses on us. His yoke is easy and his burden is light (know what that statement really means?). Loving Jesus and being loved by Him is such a breath of fresh air. Is it really possible that we serve a God who puts us first? Pinch me. This feels like a dream.

My first date with Jesus

2007-06-14T21:44:00.000-06:00

This week I have been listening to a lesson series on relationships. The speaker is fantastic, and he fills his lessons with stories and analogies (which are life to me when listening to a sermon). He flips back and forth between discussion of a woman's responsibility vs a man's responsibility. At one point, he spoke of a woman who wasn't under authority. Growing up, she wasn't under her father's authority. She disrespected her husband because she wasn't under his authority. Ultimately, she wasn't under God's authority.

I've never been married, so I can't presume to say what it is like. However, for years I have heard a multitude of Christian women complain about having to be submissive. I've never really known what to think about that. Listening to these ladies, it sounds a little scary to me. But as this pastor explained what it was to live under authority, some of the clouds began to dissipate. Living under authority was directly tied to her husband's treatment of her. As he expounded on the Song of Solomon, this picture of a beautiful man began to emerge - a man who was gentle, loving, complimentary, protecting, sensitive, adoring, and strong (I think I am getting a little bit of a crush on ol' Solomon). I still don't know about this submission debate, but I think I'd like to give it a try if it were with a man like this.

The more I listen to these lessons, the more I begin to realize how I want to be treated and what kind of marriage and husband I want. Then the more I listen, the more hesitant of marriage I become - I've never dated a man like this. I've never been loved this way before. Is it really possible? Do husbands and marriages like this really exist? While I desire to be a wife someday, dare I think that I could have this? It seems so unreal that I am almost afraid to dream of it.

It's funny that I am listening to this lesson series this week. I am also doing a study on the book of John right now. I feel like I am getting to know Jesus in a new way. He is becoming real to me. John lends several insights into the humanity of Jesus. He paints a picture of a real, tangible man with skin on that gets tired and needs to stop for lunch. He is filled with passion and fire. He's strong and athletic, yet compassionate and soft spoken. He values family and friendship. He cares for strangers and speaks his mind. He puts the needs of others ahead of his own needs and reputation. He is nurturing and patient. He's kind and loving. His character, his nature - that IS the husband described in these lessons. That is the man in Song of Solomon. He is the kind of man I would feel safe being in submission to.

I think I have spent a lot of time living on the fence. Calling myself a follower of Jesus, but watching Him out of the corner of my eye. Taking His words under advisement, yet seeking my own map. This picture that has been painted of this dreamy, Biblical husband has helped me understand Jesus. It has helped me see the love He has for me. I don't know if I will ever find this "Song of Solomon love" here on earth, but realizing that I already have it in Jesus completely changes the way I feel about myself as a woman and as a single person. To know that He loves me this way melts away rigidity, fear and apprehension and makes me feel loved, cherished and protected. It gives me the freedom to open myself to Him and what He truly offers as my Savior.

I think I have been living as if Jesus has been my boss. The view I have had of our relationship has been more about what I am doing wrong, how I am falling short - almost as if He is in heaven with one eyebrow raised, arms folded, looking down on me and shaking His head. As I learn more about "Jesus the person" - the human side of Jesus, I realize I have only been seeing the God side of Jesus (which can be quite intimidating). But the human side of Jesus is helping me better understand the God side of Jesus. And looking at Him in light of a healthy relationship - one that is about love, selflessness, sacrifice, nurturing, kindness, authenticity, protection and friendship - it makes me feel like I just got home from my first date...

Breaker 1-9. Anyone out there got your ears on?

2007-06-04T23:27:00.000-06:00

I am writing this blog because I told someone I would (I am actually a week late...sorry, dude). I really do hope to once again become a regular blogger again some day. It seems I've been a little irregular as of late, and we all know how that can back up on you.

My life has been somewhat of a whirlwind lately. Some days I feel as if I am standing in the eye of a tornado watching everything swirl and spin around me. Oddly enough, I don't really feel overwhelmed anymore. I truly feel the calmness of the eye of the storm. I'd like to pen some flowery blog about how that's the peace of God, but honestly I think it is either shock or numbness.

I have this weird way of reacting to extreme stress. I become eerily calm and quiet. It's as if I slip into a trance. I don't know if that's good or bad. But ask those who know me well, it is kind of creepy. That's how others can tell I have exceeded my limit and must be experiencing sensory overload. Personally, I kind of enjoy it. The swirling, screaming, craziness seems to drift off into the background somewhere and I feel a little like, "Ooh, look at the pretty colors."

I actually perform fairly well under a certain amount of stress. I kind of thrive on a little chaos. But every psychotic has their limit, right? Anyway - lately I have been teetering between working chaos and that euphoric state of oblivion (no - I'm not on drugs). Last night I crawled into bed and slept amidst a pile of laundry that needed folding. So again, I guess my state of catatonia can be good and bad.

I suppose this is the part where I am supposed to lay down some profound insight I have received from all of this, but honestly, I am having trouble connecting the dots lately. And random things will pop into my mind at the strangest of times. I have a friend at work that specializes in making me laugh. I don't know why he strikes me as so hilarious - but right now, talking to him is one of the very few things at work that keeps me sane. Unfortunately, I find him popping into my head the most inopportune times. The other day I was in the middle of traffic and just burst out laughing hysterically. The more I laughed, the more looks I got, which in turn sparked more laughter. I'm sure people wondered what hospital I escaped from.

I am "leading" a Bible study on the book of John right now. Our study is a format unlike any other I've ever done before. We are simply digging in the Word, no workbooks or outside studies to guide us. Everyone brings their dictionaries, commentaries, various Bible translations, handbooks, Greek, anything we can find. So far I've learned that I know nothing about the Bible and that John's gospel is all out of order when compared to the other 3. One theme I have been able to pick up on, however, it that it all points to Jesus. No credit for self - Jesus must become more, I must become less. He came before me and will come after me. He is higher than me. He is greater than me. Everything I do should point to Him.

So, I guess in the midst of my craziness, the question I need to be asking myself is - does all my busyness, my "to do" list, my stress, my reactions, my priorities, even the amount of sleep I get - does it show Jesus to those around me? Is it about me or about Him? Because in reality - even Jesus existed to point others to God. Even He wasn't all about himself.

Return from the coast

2007-05-11T20:29:00.000-06:00

Yes, I'm still alive. I just returned from a 7 day adventure of my own making. I took a road trip with my cousin, Daniel. We went on a photography excursion. Part of our trip landed us on 6 different beaches along the Gulf. We also visited some of Forest Gump's old stomping grounds in Bayou La Batre. We wandered around the ship yards taking pictures of shrimp boats and other things.

In case you are wondering, there is only one hotel on Dauphin Island, and they have no ice, soap or shampoo. There is, however, one place on the entire island that stays open past 8pm, and that is the Circle K c-store. Drop by and give Mary a visit. She will hook you up with whatever you need. Everyone else will be down at the pier doing some night fishing.

I met a guy on the ferry between Dauphin Island and Gulf Shores. No thanks to him, I now have camera envy and the itch to expand my photog equipment collection... When he handed me his camera to take a few shots, the thought did cross my mind to jump overboard and try to swim ashore without getting it wet. But alas, I had to give it back. You can check out his work at www.pbase.com/smms. He is a great photographer.

OK, Atchison - this one is for you. Here is the pinnacle highlight of my trip. Those of you who've never heard of my "stories" please turn away. I don't want you to see me like this. Here goes. We were driving along some nice little highway, right along the coast. I decided we needed to head over to Perdido Beach and proceeded to give directions to Daniel. I was using a real bonafide map... After several long moments had passed and we had seen our 27th pale pink high-rise condo, Daniel began to protest that we were not going to Perdido, but instead had entered Florida. I confidently objected that the road we were on would be turning soon and we would indeed find ourselves in Perdido. After all, my map showed the road as plain as day snaking its way around, right into Perdido. After several intense moments of bantering about our location, I finally had to concede that we were, in fact, in Florida. I was baffled. How could we have so clearly missed this major road that was so prominently displayed on my map? Uhh - I am amazed that I am about to admit this...my "road" was actually the state line dividing Alabama and Florida. Yes, sad but true. I am officially retarded. Thanks to my wiggyjack map reading skills, I am no longer allowed to be in charge of trip navigation.

To make matters worse, I enjoyed the sun so much that I refused to ride with my window rolled up. Therefore, I spent the entire trip with half of my body hanging out the window - soaking up the sun and breeze. Consequently, I am now two-toned and striped. Call me the anti-redneck. Due to the camera being hung around my neck, I also have a white stripe back there. One arm is bright red. Oh, who cares. I enjoyed every minute of it and can't wait to go back.

I actually have some more serious posts coming, but need more time to gather my thoughts. I'll update in a few days. Meanwhile, aloha. Gee, I wish I were on "island time" again...

God and the opossum

2007-04-04T21:42:00.000-06:00

The other night my dog got into a fight with something under the deck in my backyard. I think it was a opossum, but I'm not totally sure. The whole event was a huge dramatic fiasco. I was frantic, trying to hold back tears and hysteria. I couldn't get Cooper (my dog) to come out from under the deck. I was worried that the evil beast that lurked below would actually kill him. I called my dad and my friend, Lisa. They both, of course, came to my aid. All in all, we had a happy ending. After spraying the hose on the battling duo, we finally managed to coax Cooper back from the jaws of death. He was covered in mud. I was covered in mud. Everything was covered in mud. My tub was covered in mud. It was a groady, nasty mess, but we are all alive and well.

As I replay those moments in my mind, I recall that sick feeling I had in my gut. That frantic state of panic mingled with helplessness that overwhelmed my senses. It reminded me of the very same sick feeling I've had when I have witnessed friends make a choice to live in sin. On a couple of occasions I have had people very close to me make decisions to purposefully engage in ravenous sinful behavior. The exhausting conversations pleading with them to reconsider will be burned onto my heart forever.

It is so painful to sit back and watch someone you love walk into the darkness of sin. Knowing there is nothing you can do, yet dying inside to stop them. And I remember that sick feeling I always get when those situations arise. I wonder how many times God feels that way about His children. How many times have we danced around the flames of sin, squealing with glee as the fire tickles our ankles.

Sometimes it's hard for me to imagine God having real emotion toward me. Despite the numerous examples in scripture that so vividly display the emotions of God spilling out over the earth like a flooded coffee mug, I sometimes fail to make that connection personally. Yet I look at the cross and know that His gut wrenches and His heart aches for each of us. He sees me and you, and He smiles on us and agonizes over us. His heart beats for us like ours do when our loved ones make us proud and when they break our hearts.

One thing I love about God is the way He speaks. I am amazed and often amused when I see His face peeking into my day and using some of the most off the wall stuff to teach me. This time He used a opossum to remind me how connected He is to each of us - how real, involved, attentive and emotional He is in each of our lives. What an awesome, amazing, fun, adventurous, patient, creative, passionate, generous, powerful and loving God we serve!

Instruction Manual

2007-03-28T18:04:00.000-06:00

Lately I have been working on building my photography web-site, which is laughable. I don't have a clue about html, java or any of that. I am doing the trial and error, hit or miss method. I seem to navigate much of life this way. From childhood, I have always hated to read the instructions. I want to jump right in and get started. In school, I never studied. Most tests were passed simply using what I had heard in class. I realized last night that I allow this impatience to spill over into my spiritual life.

I don't want to spend time studying, and often don't want to wait for direction from God. I want to jump in with both feet and start getting my hands dirty right away. While I am able to satisfy my craving for instant gratification, often I walk away with only half of the experience.

In building this web-site, I am consistently dissatisfied with it. There are 2 photographers, one here in Montgomery and one in Knoxville that I am super crazy about. Their work is amazing, and their web-sites ROCK. So I keep looking at their stuff, wanting to emulate them. Longing to be as good as they are.

Often in our spiritual walk, we will see people in the church that we think live these "mountaintop" lives (I can think of a few right off hand). We long to be like them. Yet so often, I fail to consider the time, effort, trials and experiences that have lead them to where they are. I just want to be there now. I want to skip all the work. Same with photography. How many under/overexposed pictures have these 2 photographers I admire had to trash over the years. How many books have they read? How many hours have they spent developing their craft? And my spiritual mentors...how many valleys have they been in? How many hours have they spent on their faces crying out to God? How deeply have they invested themselves in Bible study and time with God? Yet, I lust for the finished product.

I believe it is good to have mentors and people to look up to. We can learn from their experiences and mistakes. I discovered last night that I can save some web-sites into Front Page, then dissect them to see how they were built. So I can learn from those who have gone before me. I can continually look at other artists' work in order to improve my own. But ultimately, I must spend my time in the trenches. I must go through my "grasshopper" time painting fences and waxing cars. Otherwise, I will only have an imitation shell of a product (or spiritual life) that is nowhere close to it's potential.

Chocolate shortage

2007-03-21T20:18:00.000-06:00

Today my world almost teetered off its axis, spinning out of control into a state of oblivion unparallelled in the life of anyone this side of the moon to date. I heard rumors of a potential chocolate shortage!! Egad! I think the national threat level should be raised to level Brown immediately! Take my water. Take my oxygen. But please, for the love of all things decent and holy....don't take my chocolate.

Apparently a drought in Africa and unrest in the region has caused a slow down in the production of cocoa. Prices could sky rocket. Surely we are on the brink of an economic depression. I am picturing Charlie Bucket from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory taking his one birthday dollar and buying a block of the prized delicacy. How he cherished it. My brother, he must be.

Can I bear the thought of my specially crafted, ornately designed, gold embossed, velvet lined chocolate box sitting empty? Oh, the horror! We must all ban together and be brave in the face of this impending disaster. Please consider that you may need to begin a stockpile. Support groups may become necessary.

Dead Battery

2007-03-20T19:58:00.000-06:00

This morning started like any other morning. I got ready for work as usual. As I got into my car to leave, however, the battery was dead. My car groaned (as I often do first thing in the morning) and refused to crank. I called my super hero friend Lisa to beg a boost. As usual she was more than willing to accommodate me. We hooked up the jumper cables, you know, black to red, red to black. Sparks were flying, but we assumed it was supposed to do that. When Lisa started her car there was a flash of light and a loud bang followed by a plume of smoke. Just kidding. We jumped the car off with no problem...

Lisa coming to my rescue has really made me think a lot about relationships. God uses my friends and family to pick me up quite often. I get a "charge" by being around them. Sometimes my batteries are low because I have been running too long without any rest and I just need a boost. Sometimes I am feeling spiritually dead and need the full shock treatment. I am so thankful that God designed us to need other people. It is so neat to me that He knits us together in such a perfect way. Despite different interests, talents, goals, fears, and experineces, He uses all of that to shape us. And best of all, He gives us those extra shoulders to help carry our burdens! Isn't God the best?

Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? Eccl 4:9-11 (Cool, God likes to snuggle!)

You are my friends, if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. John 15:15 (Jesus, the best friend of all!)

I was a murder suspect...

2007-03-19T19:13:00.000-06:00

This weekend I attended a murder mystery dinner party. Several of us were "actors" and the evening was all about revealing clues and solving the crime. I arrived as a recently widowed Italian woman whose husband had been murdered 4 days earlier. As the evening progressed, I discovered that I had conceived a child out of wedlock, left my man at the alter, married his brother, and was secretly saving money to move back to Italy and leave my husband. Oh my! The party was a BLAST!! Everyone tried to speak with Italian accents, which was hilarious. By the end of the night, somehow our Italian had morphed into a Russian-English-Southern twang kind of thing. Lisa was my daughter, who turned out to be the leader of some sort of crime ring (fitting, don't you think?). Jeni was a maid turned gold digger turned tramp. But who am I to talk (did you read my story line?). Don't we all look completely grief-striken? Turns out I wasn't the murderer. Bummer. Oh well, there's always next time... Want to come over for dinner?

Balance

2007-03-09T22:27:00.000-06:00

Life, in general, is such a balancing act. Finding that perfect place between giving and selfishness can be difficult. I've begun to notice things that bother me about others are often things I find myself doing. When someone hurts my feelings or ticks me off, all I can see is this glaring wrong that was committed against me. Much to my embarassment, I often find myself perpetrating the same act on some other undeserving soul. So I try to work at digging this huge log out of my own eye rather than trying to excavate the splinter from another's.

As I work on trying to repair my own flaws, I become consumed with my own "walk" and often forget those walking with me. I can't tell you how many times I have walked away from a conversation with a friend and realized I had gone on and on about my own issues or opinions without stopping to really savor their presence or invest in what was going on with them. I shudder when I think, "Not once did I ask how their week was going or even if they had plans for the weekend." And so I find myself in an uncomfortable place of self-absorption.

In order to "get outside of myself" I begin to search for ways to serve others. I try to remain conscious all day of my facial expressions, tone of voice and reaction to others. I want others to know that I am investing in them, that I care. Before long, all this caring leaves me tired. I find that this is the time I will pour all of my energy into caring for co-workers or strangers or other people that only know me superficially and then have nothing left for my family and friends, the people who really love and support me.

Recently I heard someone say that Jesus ministered to the crowds, then he had the 12, but even beyond that he had the 3 that he poured his life into. That statement really struck me because all I could think was, "how did he have the energy left to pour anything into these 3?" After dealing with demanding crowds all day, and then having to explain everything to the disciples, I don't know how he had anything left to give. But I think I have been looking at things upside down. I think he spent time with God first and was energized by that. Then he had special intimacy with the 3, and we all know how energizing it is to be with people that "get" you, believe in you and support you. Then he had the 12. Again, it is reviving to be a part of a group. A place where you belong and share common experiences. All of this energized him to minister on a larger scale. For me, I think I have been starting in the ocean first, trying to paint the big picture all on my own. Instead, I should start at home with a cool, refreshing drink from God and my "inner circle." Then I'll have the energy to tackle the world.

Some friends and I recently joined a discipleship group thing at our church. The very first night we were talking and I told them that my job just takes everything I have. By the end of the day I am so tired that I have to force myself to do things in the evening. I have been leading a Bible study on Thursday nights, and I know there have been times when I completely slacked in preparing for it. I have not been the leader I should be. There have been nights when I have met with my accountability group and have just gone through the motions, not really there mentally. I often allow eternally insignificant things to drain all of my energy, and I have nothing left for the people God has placed in my inner circle. A place that is supposed to be mutually nurturing, supportive and challenging. Girls, I apologize that I have been living upside down with slanted priorities that has often left me emotionally, mentally and physically bankrupt for you. I love you all dearly, and I could not make it without you. I never want to look back on any encounter with you and realize that I slighted you simply because we are frump-wear, back door kind of friends. I never want you to leave my presence and wonder if you are special to me.

You know the verse....As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17) My girls definitely sharpen me, and oh how I love them for it!!

Lord, please help me to cherish and nourish the relationships you have given me as a source of strength. Help me to remember that these are tools You use to equip me to do the work of Your Kingdom. Help me to keep my tools sharp and never let them get dull or rusty. Help me to see them for the jewels they are and not toss them in the shed knowing they will be there when I need them. Help me to be a nourishing light to them in return. Most of all, Lord, help me to live in that place of balance where I am able to bestow compassion on the flaws of others while recognizing my own faults, live in submission to You while helping others in their journey of faith, and invest more in my sisters than I expect in return.

Shameless Plug

2007-03-04T18:28:00.000-06:00

For those of you that don't know, I have started a little photography work. I hope to do this on a more professional level some day, but for now I am enjoying the learning and practice! If you haven't visited my web-site yet, I invite you to do so. In fact, here is a link to pictures from my latest client session. He is the cutest little thing!

Forgiveness

2007-02-28T13:37:00.001-06:00

Today at lunch I was listening to Christian radio and they were talking about forgiveness. I didn't really think I had too much of an issue with that, but I decided to see what God had for me to hear. By the end of the broadcast I was sitting in my car in tears. I guess I had not realized that there were a couple of people in my life that I have yet to forgive. As the 3 speakers bantered back and forth about the topic, they brought up issues that immediately brought certain people to mind. I quickly realized I still had forgiveness issues with them.

I figured I had the forgiveness thing licked because I have managed (with God's grace and help) to truly forgive the person who hurt me most in my life. That was such a huge deal with such a long healing and forgiveness process that it made all the other "little" hurts in life seem rather pale. But today I realized that there were several "little" hurts that had been swept under the rug and allowed to fester. My weepy response to God's message tells me that these hurts are no longer "little" as far as my heart is concerned.

My mind began racing with defensive thoughts like, "What if they don't even realize they hurt me? Shouldn't they somehow be made to feel like a skank before I forgive them? If I forgive them without any consequences on their part, what if they think they have license to hurt me again? Shouldn't I at least set some sort of defined boundaries before I forgive in order to prevent this from happening again? If I keep forgiving over and over with no consequences to offender, won't I just become a doormat?" The excuses went on and on. And each one was raised by the speakers on this show. Each was raised, and each was shot down.

Basically, they reminded me that forgiveness reveals brokenness. Brokenness does two things. One, it points others to the cross. Christ was broken for us. God sacrificed His Son for us - and hey, we aren't so swell either. Two, it reminds us of our brokenness. As we become broken by forgiving others, we are pointed to the cross, reminded of our sinful condition and the price that was paid for us.

"But what about repeat offenders?" I protest. Well, aren't we repeat offenders? I don't know how many times I have had to go to God asking for forgiveness, strength and help with the same thing over and over. As for those repeat offenders oblivious to our plight at their hands? Again, how selfish am I that should have to go to God over and over with the same sin. And let's not forget our brother David who asked God in Psalms 139 to examine his heart and reveal his offensive ways. Human selfishness and repeat offending has been a part of mankind since the beginning of time.

And my never-ending struggle between boundaries and forgiveness? That protest was met with one response. Did Christ set boundaries after forgiving us? Does He love us less or treat us differently? Does He only answer a percentage of prayers in direct correlation to how many times we've put ourselves in a pinch? Does He hold a grudge and hold us hostage to our sin to make sure we feel adequately punished before hearing or answering our prayers? Does He walk around Heaven with a snarled, snide attitude telling God and the angels all about what we did? Is His love conditional on our performance?

Bottom line: Forgiveness is an act of faith and obedience. We are commanded to do it. We never feel equipped to do it, hence the faith. Forgiveness is often a journey, something we have to do over and over. The speaker today talked about how often the "offender's" name will keep coming up for you over and over, at random times, they will just pop into your mind. When that happens, and you have that gnawing feeling in your gut - something is still wrong, and you need to stop right then and re-declare your forgiveness, praying for strength. It may take a while, but it will eventually be healed. Yet so often, this process is something that must be acted out long before our emotions rise to match our decision to forgive.

V-Day

2007-02-14T18:17:00.000-06:00

Here we are, the day were the world is robotically forced to celebrate love. Please don't misunderstand. I'm not anti-Valentine's day. I've just been thinking outside my skin lately, trying to resurrect my old bohemian-beatnik carcass of an artist. The one that sees everything with a slant and no one understands. While being understood has its merits, being real is much more important.

A few years ago I decided to boycott the commercial gift-giving side of Christmas. I don't want a pile of future yard sale junk given to me by people who only bought it out of guilt or obligation. And I don't particularly enjoy going into debt and getting elbowed in the forehead at the mall trying to do the same for them. I guess that mentality has spilled over into Valentine's Day. I don't want someone to declare their love for me because Hallmark told them to. I'd rather get a card on June 17th for no reason at all other than "just because I was thinking of you." Despite my protestitory attitude, the holidays keep on coming - which is fine. I just hope no one is offended when they don't receive a Stepford valentine from me.

Again, please don't misunderstand. I'm not opposed to V-Day at all. In fact, as a connoisseur of chocolate, I am quite fond of any holiday that would prompt Publix to build a 8-foot shrine to my favorite food right inside their front door. I can even lose myself in the rushing waters of society sometimes. I didn't want to be the only one not getting any action on Valentine's Day, so I made an appointment with my gynecologist. Hey, it's better than some alternatives, right? At least he's clean, rich and wears gloves.

Anyway - as the smell of roses wafted through the office today and a wave of giggles, ooh's, and aah's washed over the department when someone was called to the receptionist's desk for a "delivery," I got to thinking about all this love and roses and chocolate. I am amused at people who were fighting or complaining yesterday, yet are as sweet as syrup today. Men who paid little attention to their wives 361 days a year, but suddenly their competitive man juices get to flowing when they hear Bob in the next cube ordering roses for his sweetie. And so begins the flow of shiny, red, heart-shaped boxes of candy and flowers of all sorts. I am amazed that for one day a year our society softens and it's deemed acceptable to be mushy gushy and googly eyed. When God commanded us to love each other, why does it take collaboration from Hallmark for us to live that out?

I amaze myself with how selfish I can be. I like to think of myself as compassionate and giving, always looking for ways I can help people. But mostly I think I want to help myself. I guess we all do. And when society gives us permission to be giving, we are. We are because everyone else is, and we don't want to stand out or be labeled a weirdo or scrooge. I am bothered by this because these holidays, the one's I have decided to "boycott" are the only times I bring this mentality to the forefront of my thinking. On June 17th, will it occur to me to send some a card "just because"? Probably not. Am I as eager to show others how important they are to me at random times when no one is looking? Often I am too busy stewing in my own life soup to notice anyone who isn't in my kettle. And let's face it, we all have a kettle. We are each issued one when we are born. The older we get, the bigger, heavier and fuller it gets. Stirring my own soup often takes precedence over anything else. It's not that I intend to ignore people, I just get so caught up in my own stuff that I forget to pull my head out of the sand.

So, I say...Thank you Hallmark and Russell Stover for reminding me that God commanded me to love others. And Lord, please help me to get over myself enough to remember to love others after all the candy hearts are gone.

An empty hand

2007-02-07T23:32:00.000-06:00

What is this thing you love?
This blessed curse that hangs so ornately around your neck
Your own personal albatross
This hollowness that penetrates and absorbs your entire atmosphere

"Love," you say?
Surely this blistering thing is nothing of the sort
A cold and bitter empty hand
This is my lot - to live out my days...unfulfilled
I have been robbed even before I have received

Your emptiness has left you filled to the brim
What was once a thing of beauty, hope and wonder has since become an all-consuming darkness that you feed and nurture like a starving baby bird
Blindness has befriended your rage leaving only a hollow shell of ingratitude

I am crippled by my Creator
Left here alone with only this hole
If only ingratitude were the leader of my emotions
I am plagued by silence and engulfed in the flames of this - my unanswered prayer

In all your days, have you uttered but one prayer?
Have not others been answered?
Has this present silence become so deafening that you can no longer hear the echoes of answers from prayers past?

Do prayers and good deeds expire?
Is what was once heard still heard today?
How long must one go without a single drop of water before one withers?
Is it not God who speaks of keeping his children from exasperation?
Shall I make God out to be a liar?

Oh, how my heart shatters into one thousand pieces!
I cannot bear to see what you cannot see
Selfishness has stolen your ability to witness blessings surrounding you each day
I fear you have the curse of Pharaoh
I pray it does not take many plagues to turn stone to sand

I am not a robber and a thief
I did not wipe out a man's life with no reason at all
I am not silent, but I am met with it day after agonizing day
Yet I am on trial for my current condition?

One cannot be both defendant and judge
You cry persecution, yet wear a black robe and carry a gavel
Be reminded of your position
One of lowly, wretched, detestable sinfulness
Remember the rescue you received despite unworthiness
Consider the bounty that lies at your feet in addition to the priceless gift already afforded you
Yet this outstretched hand has become your axis - the center of your world?

Oh, shame my woeful spirit!
My soul lies in ashes
Smoldering with the sting of conviction
Dare I ask for one thing more?
Forgive and cleanse these claws of greed that scratch upon the throne room door
A blind man I have been
To be seated in the treasure chest, yet live as one without even a crust of bread
How humiliated is my asking breath
So deceived by this veil of desire
Will my eyes ever look heavenward again?
Is forgiveness within my grasp?

Pardon was granted long before it was requested
Freedom lies just beyond the fingertips of your empty palm
Embrace your dreams and be not afraid to envision them boldly
Balance is serving beyond the silence
The unanswered prayer may be intended to keep you asking

God's Shutter Speed

2007-01-08T22:21:00.000-06:00

Tonight I went to my photography club meeting and we talked about nighttime photography. Cameras have a shutter that opens every time you take a picture. When the shutter opens, light is allowed in and that is what puts the image on the film. The more light, the brighter (or lighter) the image. That's why some pictures turn out too dark - not enough light on the film. There are several ways to adjust camera settings to allow more light to hit the film. One way is with your shutter speed. The longer you leave the shutter open, the more light that comes in, thus lightening your image.

In nighttime photography, you have to leave the shutter open for a long time to allow a ton of light to come in. When you do this, the camera can see things you cannot see with the naked eye. Sometimes you may be standing in the dark and have to do a test shot just to see what's out there.

The whole concept made me think of God. The more we let His light into our lives, the more bright we will be, the more exposed we will be. Sometimes we need to sit and marinate in His light a long time. Other times, we make a connection with Him in a snap. But the thing that interested me the most is the concept of seeing in the dark. Even when we feel completely in the dark, maybe lonely or disconnected from God or when we are living in darkness by choice - God has a special way of seeing beyond the darkness. He sees things we cannot see with the human eye. There is light in all of us. Even when we feel almost burned out, His light and His vision have a way of seeking out even the faintest light and making it shine with brilliance. And in the right Artist's hands, a masterpiece can be created out of what the human eye often overlooks.

...my God turns darkness into light. Psalm 18:28b

It's not about me

2007-01-02T19:36:00.000-06:00

Ah, New Year. It's kind of like Spring for the soul. Everyone's eating carrots and breaking a sweat in their new gym clothes. I wonder how much drain there is on the nation's water supply with everyone's resolution to get in their eight glasses a day. While some new beginnings are scary, some are refreshing. A chance to lay down the junk from the past year and look ahead with bright hope. An entire untainted year stretches out before you gleaming with endless possibilities.

As this year blooms with promise, I feel like God is calling His people to take it slow and shift our focus. Just today, I have encountered God four times, each reminding me that the theme of 2007 needs to be "IT'S NOT ABOUT ME; IT'S ALL ABOUT GOD." This morning, I read the story of Lot in Genesis 13. Lot and Abraham decide the land cannot support both of their households, so they will part company. Abraham allows Lot have his pick of the land. In verse 10 Lot chooses what he deems to be the most lush, well-watered plain in the region. After moving there, Lot and his family are kidnapped, and eventually his city is completely destroyed by burning sulfur raining down from heaven. His wife dies. And his daughters basically molest him.

Sometimes what looks like the green grass on the other side of the fence isn't always so. Despite Lot's surroundings in Sodom, it seems he retained some qualities of righteousness and decency as evidenced by his attempt to rescue the two angels from the men of the city in Genesis 19. Lot had even risen to a place of prominence as a judge in the city. I wonder, however, what the ending of Lot's story would have looked like if he had not chosen that area to settle. Genesis 13:11 says Lot "chose that land for himself." Many a righteous man in scripture have been lead astray by their flesh. Did Lot pray for direction when making this decision? We don't know. Did he view it as a "mission opportunity?" We don't know. Did God specifically call him to go to Sodom? Scripture doesn't seem to indicate that. Him moving to Sodom is not really the point. We all know God can work anywhere, with anyone, to do anything if willing hearts exist. The key is to remember, it's not about me. It's about God. What appears to be lush and green from a distance could, in reality, be the gateway to destruction for us. So we need to slow down and seek God's counsel, remembering that salvation entered the world in a stable - not a palace. Sparkly, shiny perfection is not necessarily God's calling card.

Pondering Lot's choices this morning, I opened an email devotional that I get everyday, and whadaya know, the topic revolved around choices. The article centered on Proverbs 21:2 which says, "All a man's ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart." The author stressed the importance of seeking God's guidance and direction, especially when committing to new tasks. Her spin was from another angle, discussing our tendency to get overextended and involved in too many "good" things. While certain projects and ministries at church might be good, it doesn't mean we are necessarily the people God intends to use. So often we jump in with both feet without consulting God to see if this is where He wants us to spend our energy. Before long we find ourselves burned out, ill-equipped and too tired to serve effectively. Again, it's not about us. It's all about Him. Maybe this task was designed for someone else. Maybe we are called to be still for a season. Maybe our gifts are needed elsewhere. How will we know until we ask?

I have a cherished co-worker that I often talk to about God, scripture and how God is working. This afternoon she and I entered into a discussion about letting go of dreams and selfish desires. We both feel lead to spend more time this year focusing on others. Over the holidays, she and I both had experiences that set us up to change our perspectives and motivate us to reach out to people. We each had decided on some ways we could serve others, and were able to share those with each other. I can feel God moving in His people creating this outward and upward focus, and my encounter with Sonya today was confirmation that our spirits are in harmony on this issue.

When I got home from work, I sat down to read the Bible and came upon Genesis 22 where God called Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac. Our devotion to God and our faith in Him is more important than any dream we hold dear. Are we willing to sacrifice our dreams in faith? God may call us to the brink of sacrifice to test our willingness, but we must be ready to make the sacrifice with our whole hearts. I'm not saying it's wrong to dream, quite the contrary. However, elevating our dreams to a place of importance that surpasses God is where we often meet our downfall. I've come to realize that I have been holding too tightly to some of my dreams - focusing more on them rather than on God. Unanswered prayers or unfulfilled dreams have almost become like an eclipse, blocking my full view of His light. So in this year, I want to lay my dreams at His feet. If He has a purpose for them, He will give them back.

Decisions and dreams should live under the umbrella of prayer. We need to slow down and take time to listen. And sometimes God may call us to sacrifice things with no explanation at all. Most importantly, we need to remember... It's all about Him. It's not about me.

Holiday Traffic....gotta love it!

2006-12-19T22:53:00.000-06:00

The Christmas season is upon us. You can feel the love and joy in the air as you drive down the street. The sense of harmony is so strong that we all decide to huddle together in traffic like ants on a mission. And you know the true spirit of the season has arrived when you see the universal sign for peace, love and good tidings - the finger. Yes, this heartfelt show of emotion is almost always accompanied by some melodious phrases that truly belong in a Christmas carol sung by angelic four year olds at a Christmas pageant. Ah, Christmas.

Today as I joined my fellow man in a jolly round of traffic caroling, I was quite distressed to realize that some were apparently unaware of the proper merging etiquette. If you know that you are going to have to enter the freeway in a mile or two, go ahead and get in the proper lane. It never hurts to be prepared. As I sat waiting patiently in the proper lane, I noticed other vehicles speeding past and merging into the line many cars ahead. How rude. Here we all are, waiting in line like proper Southern folk, and these others just rush ahead, bust in line and speed off.

As I sat in my car today, becoming increasingly frustrated about the rudeness of my fellow drivers, God gently brought the parable of the vineyard workers from Matthew chapter 20 to mind. I once heard that the focus of this parable is not our sense of injustice, but of God's sense of compassion.

Friend, I am not being unfair to you. Didn't you agree to work for a denarius? Take your pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. Don't I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am so generous? So the last will be first, and the first will be last."

-Matthew 20:13-16 NIV

It's not really about traffic. It's not about pay raises or project assignments. It's not about who sings too loud in church. It's about my attitude of entitlement. God has been placing me in situations lately that really reveal my inflated sense of worth. Oh, how selfish I am! If I spent half as much time focusing on pleasing God as I did in looking at the flaws in others, I would be a world away from where I sit today.

God has been ministering to my heart about my selfishness lately. So often I view life from my limited human perspective. When I witness what I perceive to be injustice, I balk and wonder why God hasn't stepped in and set someone straight. You know, truly, God rarely makes sense to me. He is one anomaly after another. As I grow in my walk with Him, He is so sweet to teach me to see things from His perspective. And the things I don't understand are in His control anyway, so why should I worry? Sometimes I think George Costanza was on to something. Whatever your instinct tells you to do, do the opposite. So often my flesh-infested knee-jerk reaction to a situation is the direct opposite of what God would have me do. My innate judgmental nature and pompous sense of selfishness tell me that I would be a doormat if I let everyone cut in line. But I think God would see it as a ministry opportunity.

I am so glad that God's idea of justice is NOT the same as mine. I would never survive if I had to stand up under the expectations I place on others. I thank God that He cares enough about me to reveal these gaping rifts in my character. Refinement is never a fun process. But just knowing that God hasn't given up on me yet makes the growing pains all worthwhile!

2006-12-04T22:02:00.000-06:00

I didn't make my bed today. Well, let's be honest - there are a lot of days that I don't make my bed. Frankly, I'm lucky to get out of the house with all my clothes on, much less make the bed. I can't imagine how in the world I am going to manage getting kids ready some day - but that's another blog for another day.

As I said, I didn't make my bed today. When I got home from work, much to my dismay, I discovered my bed to be covered in leaves. I have a dog that uses a doggie door. Right now my back yard is covered in leaves. Therefore, when Cooper comes in, so do the leaves. My initial reaction to the leaves was one of frustration. But my frustration quickly turned to warm fuzzies as I began to think about little Cooper all snuggled up in my bed today while I was at work.

When I am at home, he likes to be in the same room as me. It doesn't matter what I am doing, or if he's sleeping or not - he just wants to be close. I guess being in my bed makes him feel close to me when I am away. It kind of reminds me of being a child - the one place kids always seem to feel the safest is in their parents' bed. I don't know why. I'm sure there is some psychological explanation for it, but it's beyond me. What I do know is that I feel the same way with God.

While I often wrestle with God in prayer over many things, I still find so much comfort in Him. Even though I don't always understand Him, I am humbled that He would allow someone as human as me to enter into His Presence. There is such peace there. Even in the midst of storms, there's just something about being in His Presence that lets you know it will all work out somehow.

I'll never forget my first plane ride. I was beyond mortified. With each tremor of turbulence, I was praying as hard as I could. The words were flowing through my mind faster than I could think them. And each new tremor would bring a new wave of beseeching. That was the only thing that kept me sane. I'm a LITTLE calmer in the air now, but not much. Each time I fly, I experience a whole new level of spirituality!

I am trying to make time every day to sit in God's presence, to experience that feeling of peace, comfort, joy and love. If you can relish it in the good times, it makes it easier to cherish in the bad times. Building a relationship and getting comfortable on His lap now will make that safe haven feel more like home when the storms come.

The name of the Lord is a strong fortress; the godly run to Him and are safe.
-Proverbs 18:10

2006-11-30T20:35:00.000-06:00

I've been having this weird feeling in my chest lately. I'm not going around doing the Fred Sanford or anything, but it does feel odd nonetheless. I just wanted to let someone know - if I don't show up at work tomorrow, can someone come check on me before the decomp smell embeds itself in the sheetrock and my family has difficulty re-selling the house? Thanks.

Now, on to bigger and better things. God led me to start reading the book of James this week. I am taking a different approach to reading than ever before. This time I am only reading a few verses a day, reading them multiple times, sometimes pulling out a couple of different commentaries, letting the verses sink in, and praying about them. I have been amazed at how each day the verses seem to coincide with something going on in my life.

Yesterday God convicted me about some things in my life that weren't honoring Him. I hadn't really given much thought to it before, but I knew I needed to confront them. Then I got to the verses about being tempted by your desires and that leading to death. THEN I got an email devotional from a guy who simply shares whatever God speaks to him each morning. Yesterday he said that God spoke to him about repentance and requiring pinpoint obedience. And that if people refused to repent they were going to enter into a long season of drought.

I was burdened all day until I dealt with it. After I did, I began to feel better. Then I came home tonight and lo and behold, "If you keep looking steadily into God's perfect law - the law that sets you free - and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it." (James 1:25)

I am amazed when God speaks to me. I am amazed that He would even want to. That amazement also fosters doubt that what I "hear" is even God. Knowing how human I am and how much I mess up every day, I think I sometimes have a hard time believing that even I could be privileged enough to have Him direct anything toward me. But looking back over the past 2 days - there is not doubt in my mind that He clearly communicates with us, puts things on our hearts, speaks to us through avenues other than the Bible, and uses everything in our spirits and in the world around us to lead us closer to Him.

I still have some other thorn bushes in my spirit that need dealing with, but I am confident that one victorious step toward obedience will lead to another and another and another. And I am reminded that He really does speak to me, and many of those times I have wondered about the "voice" really were Him. I don't know why we get so hung up in doubt sometimes. I guess Satan takes our feelings of unworthiness and uses them to make us believe we really are unworthy. But because of Jesus, I am worthy! Praise Him!

2006-11-29T01:24:00.000-06:00

Rich and poor alike, we are all the same to God. He expects us to serve and honor Him, no matter what position we find ourselves in life.

Let the believer who is lowly boast in being raised up, and the rich in being brought low, because the rich will disappear like a flower in the field. For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the field; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes. It is the same way with the rich; in the midst of a busy life, they will wither away.
James 1:9-11 NRSV

At the time this was written, wealthy landowners in Palestine, as well as much of the Roman Empire, exploited the poor. Economic and social tensions raged even to the point of war and bloodshed. James was trying to teach Christians that their worth came not in the form of money, but rather from God's grace. The poor were to rejoice because God's grace exalted them. The rich were to rejoice because God's grace humbled them and brought them to a place beyond their wealth. God's grace levels the playing field.

In the United States, most of us would not consider ourselves rich. However, compared to the rest of the world, we are extremely wealthy. Whatever position you find yourself in today, approach it behind the veil of grace. If you are burdened with debt, barely able to make ends meet, remember that God's grace is above all that. If you are doing fairly well by the world's standards, remember that money is temporary and has no eternal value. Don't fall into the trap of elevating riches above grace. And if you find yourself somewhere in the middle, remember that life will fade and wither like a flower. Don't get lulled into such a sense of busyness that you wake up one day to see that life has passed you by. Make the most of wherever you are, always rejoicing that God's grace brings us all to the same place.

2006-11-28T18:23:00.000-06:00

Well, my euphoric day of rest came to a screeching halt today. You guessed it. I returned to work. The only way I can adequately describe my job to someone who doesn't do it is this. Picture the Wall St trading floor just after the market has opened. That's pretty much the level of activity that goes on inside my office all day everyday. Were you to walk through, you might not see it displayed as prominently as Wall St, but it's there. Ours takes place in the form of emails, phone calls and the fabulous paperless environment in which we work. But, all in all, I gamble all day - just like the stock brokers. I make decisions that could cost us millions of dollars. I haggle over price, and even have to play the roles of teacher, defendant, collection agent, bully and investigator. It's a mad house, but it's like that every day, so I've gotten pretty used to it. And secretly, I even enjoy it sometimes.

But today, one of my agents called me and told me that he was disappointed in our company, which was a kind way of saying he was disappointed in me. To his credit, I had dropped the ball because I am so overloaded right now. I missed a chance to book two good accounts and lost a good chunk of money. That I can live with, but having one of my best agents tell me I had disappointed him just killed me. He could have ripped my heart out with a dull knife and it wouldn't have hurt any less.

I've been thinking about this whole situation a lot today. As I mentioned in my last post, our sermon from Sunday was about slowing down, not biting off more than we can chew, and getting over our need to be perfect. Col 3:23 was discussed, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men..." Some people are burdened by this verse, citing it as the source for their drive to perfectionism.

On the other hand, read further into verse 24, "since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." This is what holds the key for me. My perfectionism is driven by a need to please others and be rewarded by others. Of course I want to please God too, but so often my humanity takes over, my pride and competitive spirit rage forth and I find myself caught up in the rat race. I believe that striving for excellence is something we should do as a means to honor and glorify God. But when that push to excel becomes about us rather than Him, we've missed the mark. When the reward we are striving for is no longer an inheritance from Him, it's time we take a step back and refocus.

So today, I will take a deep breath and slow down. A little mental yoga never hurts. Yes, I dropped the ball. No, I'm not perfect. But is my focus going to be on doing the very best, honest job I can do for God while being a good example to my co-workers, or will I focus on this flickering light in my bright shining star of pride?

Deep breath. Awmmm. Awmmm. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Awmmm. Awmmm.

2006-11-27T18:59:00.000-06:00

Well, I've been a little scattered to the wind lately. We left last Wednesday to spend Thanksgiving holidays with the family in Florence. When we go to Florence, we always stay with my grandparents. Somehow I always end up sleeping in the strangest of places. With all of the beds occupied, I either find myself on the couch (which is too short), in a recliner or on the floor. My grandfather is the Gadget King of the Southeast, and he has an inflatable mattress that I have also tried. Only problem is, the mattress has a slow leak, so by morning the mattress has deflated itself.

This year I went to Linens -N- Things and bought my own blow-up mattress, twin size, with a little pump and everything. It was interesting. This one had no leak, so it stayed inflated all night. I think I may have inflated it a little too much. It was so tight that you could bounce a quarter across the room on that thing. It was a little like sleeping on a beach ball. If I moved my feet, my head would bounce. By the third night, I had started to adjust, but alas, it was time to come home.

The Friday after Thanksgiving I took my dad shopping. This was his first time to experience Black Friday. I tried to tell him that we needed to be out and about by 5am, but he was foursquare against it. So we arrived at Kohl's at 7:15. It took each of us approximately 15 minutes to find what we came for, and we got in line to check out. At 9:00 we finally reached the cashier. He was appalled. I tried to tell him. People go crazy on Black Friday. It's like a full moon or something. You risk life and limb to save a dime. Actually, we calculated that we saved $1 per minute that we waited in line. Either way, it's a mad, mad world.

Yesterday my parents came over and helped me drag the Christmas decorations down out of the attic. We put up trees and strung lights. We even put some lights in the bushes out front. It was a good time. In the process, I also got to meet my new neighbors for the first time. I am ashamed to say that they have lived next door to me for a few months now, and this is the first time we have met. They seem sweet. A newlywed couple. It's sad to me that we have become so seclusive as a society. Even among families, gatherings seem to be smaller and less often.

I watched a few minutes of Diary of Mad Black Woman yesterday, and was touched by the scene where Madea is on house arrest and the family is having a BBQ in her front yard. Kids running everywhere, people dancing. I long for a community spirit like that, whether it's in the form of a biological family or simply a gathering of close friends and neighbors. I can remember growing up, we spent so much time with family. We were always at each other's houses. Every Mother's Day, we all descended on my great-grandmother's house. There would probably be 40 people spilling out into the yard. Kids everywhere. It was great. We've moved so far from that place in our society.

Speaking of seclusion, today I had what I call a "me" day. I spent the entire day hanging out with myself, celebrating me and relaxing. Today is my birthday. I slept late, got a facial, pedicure and mini massage. I blasted praise music in the car, browsed at the camera shop, bought myself a present, and took a nap. All in all, it was a fantastic birthday. I feel refreshed and renewed.

Yesterday's sermon at church was about taking a Sabbath for ourselves, slowing down, saying no, etc. I have been so frazzled lately, going to Atlanta and back several times this month, being backlogged at work, eating unhealthy crap, letting the housework slide. Today has been so nice. No fast pace, no one asking me a million questions, no demands. I have even decided that I am going to attempt to fast from TV from now until Christmas. I believe TV only adds to my stress because it allows me to waste so much time. I want today to be like my own personal "new year's day." I guess for me is, it truly is! This year I am going to try to take better care of myself. I'll make no grand proclamations, because I always seem to fall short of those. But I discovered today that I actually enjoy me. I enjoy hanging out with me. I'm fun to be around! I deserve to be taken care of and treated well. And I owe it to others to give more of myself.

Maybe this year will be about the quest for balance. Seclusion does have its place, but service does as well. This year I hope to learn new ways of focusing on myself, while fine-tuning my ability to focus on others in a healthy, unselfish way.

2006-10-31T20:00:00.000-06:00

Well, here we are. The night our country celebrates Satan by dressing their children like demon-possessed cartoon characters. The one night of the year society deems it acceptable to allow our children to roam the streets going from house to house begging for food. The night where those that choose not to participate must stow away in their homes, sitting in the dark watching TV with the subtitles turned on so as not to tip off the children that they're actually in there - eating all the good candy themselves.

Speaking of death, destruction and all things dark - I saw the movie Saw 3 the other day. Despite the fact that the very first thing you hear is the "F" word repeated 3 or 4 times, I actually walked away from this movie with a spiritual object lesson. The movie is an elaborate lesson in forgiveness. I won't ruin it for you - but I was amazed at what this movie made me stop and ponder regarding forgiveness, grudges, vengeance and anger. While they say holding a grudge/refusing to forgive hurts you more than the other person - I still think that is true, but this movie is almost like a jagged sermon on forgiveness. And if you've seen any of the Saw movies, you know that they always make you stop and consider whether or not you are living life to the full. I would recommend you check them out - but do so with caution. They aren't exactly Focus on the Family films...

I know that cavemen still roamed the earth the last time I posted (sorry, Geico). To be perfectly blunt, I've been too self-absorbed and had too much tunnel vision to write much of anything lately. Life seems to go in cycles for me. It's like one tornadic whirlwind after another with periods of calmness in between. Lately it's been more like a consistently irritating strong breeze rather than a tornado - but enough activity to blow papers onto the floor. I feel like my mantra is "if I can just make it to (insert day, week or month of choice here)." I guess that's the whole of life. We run in circles all frantic over stuff that won't even matter a year from now. We put off dinner with friends or family. We skip church or prayer/Bible study time. We eat sludge in styrofoam containers because we are too tired to eat healthy. I guess I get a little contemplative when the end of each year rolls around and wonder what purpose I have served. Have I merely been yet another drain on the planet's oxygen supply or has someone benefited from my existence?

My friend Benny used to call me and ask, "What have you done for the planet lately? How has the earth and your world benefited by your existence?" I can't count how many of our conversations began that way. Sometimes he would just be messing with me, and sometimes he would make me answer. Even though he was (and still is) crazy, and was kidding around most of the time, that has always stuck with me. I often find myself asking people at work if they've done anything productive today, etc. I love having people in my life who stretch my thinking and challenge me - no matter how silly they may be. I haven't seen ol' Benny in a while. He's off being a youth minister these days, probably warping the minds of many a teenager. I can say with certainty, they will never be the same, and they will be better off for having known him. He certainly pushed the artist in me. I sure do miss that.

I guess the question is, will I consider the past year and make a hollow vow to live more vibrantly in the next or will I put my money where my daydreams and reflections are and actually get my metaphorical paint brushes wet?

Blessings

2006-09-11T17:33:00.000-06:00

Today was so full of blessings that I just had to share...

1. I woke up this morning - alive, able to walk/see/hear, in a cozy bed under a non-leaking roof
2. I had hot water in the shower
3. I had electricity to iron the clothes I was lucky enough to have
4. I passed a big insurance test this morning
5. I had a job to go to today
6. When I got to work, I had 106 emails waiting for me and tons of work backed up from me being on vacation last week - job security
7. I was able to eat lunch with 2 friends
8. I got to talk to a friend from Florida that I rarely get to see
9. I laughed more than once today
10. I was able to drive home from work with my windows down because it was cool enough outside
11. I cranked up the radio and blasted some good hip hop and heavy metal tunes on the way home, with my windows down and hair flying all over the place
12. I saw sunbeams in the sky, which is a special thing between me and God that means He was just thinking of me and wanted to send me a little love note
13. I had a home to come home to at the end of the day
14. My dog was excited to see me when I got here
15. I enjoyed a nice little chat with my neighbor. We both pondered why my grass is dying. I have grass to die
16. My house is nice and cool because I have air conditioning
17. I am going to have chocolate cake for dinner
18. I just got to talk to my ex-roomie on the phone
19. My dog is standing with his 2 front paws on the arm of my chair, wagging his tail and wanting me to play with him
20. I am going to get to spend some awesome time with God tonight - just me & Him
21. You are reading this and will stop to think about all the things that blessed you today

The end and the beginning

2006-09-06T21:26:00.000-06:00

Well, several of you have asked me for updates on the big move... We survived with minimal bloodshed. Okay, so there was no bloodshed. Things actually went pretty well - except for the U-Haul truck rental. I almost made the news at that place. We got there promptly at 8:00 AM (the time they were supposed to open). By the time 8:30 rolls around I was beyond livid. The yahoo that runs the place comes strolling up 30 minutes late as if he's living in a Disney movie with animated blue birds dancing and singing around his head. Little did he know he was stepping into more of a Friday the 13th kind of environment.

By the time he shows, there are 3 angry women waiting for him. Yet he remains "clueless," which is an entirely different debatable topic all together (I've discovered that men take classes when they are 14 to fine tune the art of the passive fight. They are somehow able to look you right in the face at the most heated climax of an argument, shrug, and act completely unaffected and disinterested. Aaaahhhhhh.) Anyway, this guy was valedictorian of that class. He bops around like the Easter bunny, turning on his computer, getting settled. Then came the pinnacle. In the middle of the rental process, he turns on the TV.

In completely American Psycho style, I morph into fantasy mode and imagine myself leaping across the desk, taking Yahoo by the throat and banging his head into the putrid paneled wall behind him. Alas, I was not able to remain in fantasyland for long. I decided it would be better for me not to speak. I was so angry that I feared turning into Julia Sugarbaker if I allowed even one word to escape. BTW, did I mention that he reserved the wrong truck for us? Yes, we reserved a 14 footer, but got a 10' instead. Don't get me started.

Whew. Sorry for the rant.

So the move went well. I have been busy re-arranging, painting, cleaning and throwing stuff away. Now I can run and leap through the house like a true Broadway star - singing at the top of my lungs if I like. What fun! And the room, my goodness the room! Ahhh. I am in the process of setting up my studio. I am hoping to get backdrops and lights this week. YEAAAH!

I am on vacation this week and am having a blast, but I know I must crack down and inject some discipline very soon. I do believe that this new leg of my journey is a specific time of preparation that God intends to use to teach me some new things I will need for my future. While I am enjoying the new freedom, I must be careful not to waste it - which would be so easy to do with no one to hold me accountable. Unfortunately discipline has never been my strong suit - so I am going to have to make it a daily focus. I know that a lot of spiritual hard work lies ahead, but the growth and benefits of it will be astronomical. I can't wait to see what this new chapter brings!

How to use the left lane...

2006-09-01T16:03:00.000-06:00

OK people, obviously we need a refresher course. For all the fruit loops out there who find it necessary to jump into the left lane on the freeway (or ANY 4+ lane road for that matter) and kick on the cruise control doing 20 mph less than the speed limit, this is for you (I have hi-lited the sections that may have some of you confused)...

(Click on the text to enlarge)

If you need further assistance, this was taken directly from the Alabama Driver Manual. PLEASE click on the link and print a copy. While you are whippin' down the interstate at a whopping 38 mph, maybe you can squeeze in a read...

For manuals from states other than Alabama, go here.

The Office

2006-08-28T21:14:00.000-06:00

In case you haven't heard, the Office won a well deserved Emmy last night for Outstanding Comedy Series. And in case you didn't know, the guy standing next to Steve Carell is B.J. Novak (who plays Ryan the intern) and he is one of the writers for the show...

Unfortunately Steve Carell lost the award for best actor in a comedy series, but he is still hilarious!! We still love you, Steve!

My all time fave episode is where he steps on the George Foreman grill and burns his foot. Too funny!!

And the sweetest love story EVER continues on September 21st! Click here to watch the preview. Oh, it melts my heart!! When Jim & Pam kissed last season, I jumped off the couch like a football fan watching a touchdown in the last 5 seconds of the game!! (Okay, so I need to get out more.)

The Big Move

2006-08-28T20:48:00.000-06:00

Approximately 2 1/2 years ago, my dear friend Stacye (aka 'the Sister') moved in with me and my other roommate. Stacye and I can both be very obstinate (I'm sure my parents will offer a hearty 'Amen' to that one...). In the course of the last move, there were a few moments when the Sister and I wondered if either of us would make it out alive.

If you've ever moved, you know it is a stressful, emotional and potentially volatile time. At one point during the last move, there was a moment when all the stress and tension came boiling to the surface and the Sister and I stood inches apart like referee and coach, engaged in a heated discussion about what to place on the truck next. My mother had to step in and break us apart. We stomped off to the U-Haul, got in together, huffed and screeched off for our destination.

While unloading boxes at the second destination, I accidentally hit the Sister in the butt with a box while she was bent over doing who knows what. That force propelled her head first into the room of boxes. She came up fighting like a wildcat. By this time, I was so tired that everything was hilarious...so I started laughing. That only made matters worse.

We did have to go through an adjustment phase, but it all worked out. We've lived together for about 2 1/2 years, and now she is moving out. The big move is Saturday, and we can already feel the tension beginning to mount. We were laughing about it tonight as we sat amongst the tornado that is our home. Boxes and 'stuff' is piled everywhere. I think the anticipation of the mountain that lies ahead has us on edge. Who knows, there could be a body bag in someone's future.

Please pray for us this weekend. More importantly - pray for the poor unsuspecting souls that are coming to help us move. Then again, maybe a live WWF match right on the front lawn will provide high entertainment for everyone.

Photos

2006-08-24T19:24:00.000-06:00

As most of you know, I am playing around with photography. Mostly just for fun. But I recently entered some photos in a little contest at the local photography club here in town, and one of them actually won "Honorable Mention." I feel pretty puffed up for this to be my first contest and all! I am getting ready to set up a studio at home in a couple of weeks, so if you're ever at the house, maybe you can see my little ribbon!

I just joined the photography club a couple of weeks ago, and I just set up my gallery on-line under the club's web-site. Most of the pictures are also on my other blog, but there are a few new ones here. Feel free to check it out if you like. I'm pretty excited about my new club and my new gallery! And I would LOVE your feedback, even if you think my work sucks! Practice makes perfect, and some good critiques can help push me in the right direction - so I welcome your comments.

My latest X File

2006-08-21T18:31:00.000-06:00

Alas, I am home from yet another trip to the big city. I went to Atlanta last week for a class (total snorzville). I did, however, get to stay in the Westin. My yes, I felt quite hoity toity to be able to slumber under the watchful eye of the King and Queen... actually, it was more like "hillbilly circus come to town". Or maybe that movie Big Business with Lily Tomlin and Bette Midler. Yeah, that was us.

We pulled into the hotel in our sweet ride (Olds 88 with cracked windshield and paint chipped off the bumper - no offense, Jamie! My windshield is cracked too...). Being the high falutin' kind, we barreled right up to the front door. We jumped out in total Beverly Hillbilly style and started unloadin' our lives right onto the curb. The valet and bellmen stood aghast as we laid out pillows, bags of crackers and hair curlers - lookin' like we were prepared to withstand any sort of nuclear, seismic or weather-related disaster. The bellman brought over a luggage cart, and I started to load that thing like a girl straight off the farm. When we were done, Jamie went to "self-park" the car. No valet for us. We're from Alabama. We don't trust no big city slickers with our goods, no sir. Plus they wanted $12 a night to valet. I mean, were they planning to sleep in the car - give me a break.

As Jamie is off parking the car somewhere, I proceed into the hotel. As I turn to go, I grab the luggage cart and start heaving and huffing trying to get the thing rollin'. With a look of total astonishment and disbelief, James (the bellman), tells me that he will bring it up to the room for us. I stand there a moment, somewhat startled. Again, you want me to leave a box full of my panties and haircurlers out here on the curb and trust that you will bring them to me? Reluctantly, I turned and went inside. It's only then that I realize there are other people gathered outside the hotel.

While we were performing our hillbilly circus act, there were several people draped in black, wearing pointy-toed Prada's, and holding their Paris Hilton knock-off dogs under one arm. I'm sure they all stormed the desk immediately after our departure to demand a refund, not having been told there was a hick convention in town. Dahling.

As for the class, it was a total bore. I sat each day in a sea of golf shirts and sleepy eyes. We listened as hard as we could to the speaker lecture about various insurance topics. What can I say - unless you actually demonstrate a loss by setting something on fire, there ain't a whole lot you can do to make insurance interesting for eight hours a day. Luckily, I only did the sleepy head jerk thing a couple of times. And this year, no one fell out of their chair - so I'd call it a success!

Each night after class, we went out on the town. One night we met a friend of mine and went to some Fish Bowl or Goldfish restaurant. Here we are in this nice, upscale restaurant, complete with white linen napkins and they have some guy singing "Baby Got Back" lounge lizard style accompanied by the house piano. It seemed fitting that this should be the evening I try sushi for the first time. They tried to get me to use the chopsticks, but I told them that unless they expected me to spear the sushi, I had to go with the old stand-by fork. Anyway, I dipped it in the soy sauce and shoved the whole thing in as instructed. Something about the chemical make-up of the sushi mixed with my saliva caused the fish to grow and grow. The more I chewed, the more it grew. The more it grew, the more sensitive my gag reflex became. Not to worry - my Momma taught me well. If I can politely choke down tapioca at a church member's house, I can get down some sushi in a public place if I have to. But man, was it hard. Mind over matter, I was finally able to swallow it. No thanks, Fear Factor - been there, done that.

We also found a chocolate factory while we were there. Hallelujah! The minute you opened the door, it smelled like heaven. They made all kinds of things there, chocolate in almost any shape you can imagine. They even made champagne glasses, high-heeled shoes and baby carriages, not to mention little boxes with lids and chocolate dipped oreos. Can I get an Amen? I am contacting them to see about having a chocolate casket made for me when I pass.

All in all, it was a fairly uneventful trip. Truth be told, it was probably much more colorful in my own mind than in reality. Then again, life typically seems to follow that pattern for me.

A four letter word called Pride

2006-08-08T21:50:00.000-06:00

The past few days God has been revealing to me the tremendous amount of pride I have living in me. For years, even since childhood, I have always been somewhat of a leader. My mind spins in a million directions at once. I am constantly churning out one idea after another. Speeches and phrases constantly float around inside my head and often roll off my tongue. From my youth, I have been one to throw out ideas, get the gang fired up, and get the ball rolling. Either my ideas are so stellar, my delivery is so inspiring or my personality is so charismatic that people are immediately entranced or they are all scared to death to offer any opposing ideas. Either way, I get my way - so who cares, right?

On the surface, all of this creativity and leadership business may seem like a gifting of some sort. These talents may reside within, but it is the condition of the heart - the home of the almighty motive - that is the problem. Recently, I ran into this brick wall at work. I was working on a project that was rather illogical, ridiculous and archaic - in my opinion. I threw in my two cents to no avail. I could hold my breath until my face turned blue, but it won't matter. This time I don't get my way. I was amazed at how much that bothered me.

This incident launched an indepth examination of the heart for me. While that exam is still in progress, I have already learned some very valuable things about myself. One is my difficulty with pride and submission. I like to be in control and I want to come out shiny and smellin' good on the other side. And if people want to admire me and rave about how wonderful I am, so be it. The problem is I am supposed to be living my life for God's glory - not mine. Oh yeah, that.

The deeper I delve into this subject, the more God reveals to me. He has shown me how rebellious, self-centered, and stubborn I am. Delayed gratification is a four letter word to me (my checkbook and weight are only a few of the physical manifestations of that one). I admit it. I like to be admired. I love complements. I want my very own pedestal. Man, is that hard to swallow. I look at my dreams and desires for the future, and I question every single one. Do I hope to someday become a writer or have a speaking ministry for God's glory or for mine? How do I expect to be submissive to my husband when I cannot submit to God? What makes me think I can be faithful to a husband when I cannot be faithful to God with my thoughts? The questions go on and on.

As I read Proverbs 31 and sit in awe of this woman, I am intrigued by the end of the chapter. After 17 verses describing what a Superwoman this chick is, verse 28 says her children and husband bless her and praise her. Verse 31 says, "Let her deeds publicly declare her praise." And I wonder how she reconciles her abilities and accomplishments with her heart - is pride not an issue for her? Then I read the end of verse 30, "...a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." Ahh.

I wonder what I have feared more - God or the opinions and acceptance of others? I so long to use the talents and gifts God has given me to enrich the lives of others and to do it all for God's glory. Yet I so often find my own glory getting in the way. I pray that God will give me a spirit of humility and a holy reverent fear of Him. I have been afraid to pray for God to break my pride because I don't particularly relish the idea of what that may involve, but I know it is absolutely necessary. So I ask you to join me in that prayer. Pray it for me. If you struggle with this as well, speak up and we'll pray for you too!

BTW if you see me standing naked on the interstate or witness me somehow being called out in the middle of Sunday morning worship or something worse, please bear with me as you will know God is performing an embalming of sorts on my prideful spirit!

Buck Naked Faith

2006-07-31T21:48:00.000-06:00

OK. I have to tell you about a new book I am reading. The name of it is "Buck Naked Faith." (Sorry for all you pervs who happened upon this post as a result of a misguided word search...) I am only 17 pages in, and already I'm hooked. The book opens with this statement, "Sex with a stranger wasn't supposed to end this way." You think that's intriguing? The story that follows is AMAZING. I was breathless after I read it. Won't tell you why - read it yourself.

Yes, this is a Christian book that takes a deep look into all the crap that stunts our spiritual growth. The first chapter that I mentioned previously is so thought provoking - it alone is worth the price of the book.

Here are some tiny nibbles from another passage:

"One of my deepest temptations is to practice a lifestyle that appears to be a faithful friendship with Christ but really isn't. To be a Cheese Puff Christian - lots of volume but little substance. Cheese Puffs take up space in the bowl, but crush them and you're lucky to get a tablespoon of substance out of them..."

"Have I measured the genuineness of my faith by how well I'm performing, or by how well Jesus and I are doing? Am I willing to admit that in a world of marshmallow spirituality my faith and relationship with Jesus the Master may be lacking? Something in my spirit keeps crying out, 'There must be more!'"

"Sometimes moments of tension are actually God's grace leading us to a crisis of decision."

The book starts off talking about walking the walk. Are we really who we say we are? I won't ruin the book for you, but so far I'm sold!! He is hitting my target square on. I so desperately want something more, something deeper. To be the real thing. Umm Umm Good Stuff!!

I am also reading Blue Like Jazz. I'm only about 19 pages into this one, but it rocks! I'll give you more details on that one next time. I suddenly have a stack of books to read. I admit, I have a problem. I am a book junkie. If you recommend a good book to me, in my quest to purchase it - I will probably also buy 4 others. That's what happened to me a week or so ago. But, hey. It's like Christmas in July for me. I order my books from Amazon.com and then get little packages in the mail. What fun!!

Happy Birthday Momma!!

2006-07-31T19:52:00.000-06:00

Today is my mom's birthday. I hate to have to tell you this, but I have the best mom in the world. I know most people grow up thinking their's is the best, but sorry - I actually got the true blue, genuine, A-1, first-rate best mom on the planet. None can top her.

This is mom in 1970 in Japan. What a hottie!

Happy birthday Momma!!!! I love you (even though you gave me your middle name!).

Boys and their toys

2006-07-29T22:16:00.000-06:00

I have to say, men crack me up. I love how silly they can be. It always brings a smile to my face to see how grown men act just like little kids when they have something electronic, shiny, loud or fast in their possession. And if you can add fire or an explosion - all the better. I love the look that creeps across their face as their eyes widen and the grin slowly begins to form, right before they start nodding their heads and say, "Cool!" I love how crude they can be (truthfully, they are only saying what all the girls are really thinking but are too 'ladylike' to say). I love their sense of adventure, and the fact that they don't care (or even notice) if someone else is dressed like them. Most of all, I love the fact that their adventurous spirit knows nothing of age. I have seen a grandpa's eyes sparkle with fascination when presented with a new "toy."

Recently a good friend of mine emailed me to make sure I knew the new XBox SEC College Football game had come out. I don't even have an XBox. He was so excited that he left work at lunch to go pick his copy up from the store (a copy that he pre-ordered months ago, I'm sure). He then told me about how his best friend (grown man, married with 3 kids) had come to town one weekend and they spent half the weekend playing with his new "toys." He just purchased some ginormous TV. He also has a killer surround sound system that makes the walls shake. I can just picture these 2 grown men sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of this huge TV like 2 little boys. And it brings a smile to my face.

Ladies, I know we may not get as excited about fast cars, 60 inch TVs, massive stereo systems or explosives like the guys do - but we could stand to learn a thing or two from them. Sometimes, we just need to throw our hair in ponytails, forget the make-up and perfume and just go sniff out some adventure (all too often, our adventure consists of plotting to find the perfect man...). Throw caution to the wind every once in a while. Run through your neighbors sprinklers. Play a video game. Blow something up (in a completely controlled environment, of course). Sometimes we just need to let go and surrender to our inner child.

If you are sitting at home wondering why your man hasn't called, it's probably because he's out lighting something on fire with his buddies and time has escaped him. Oh, one more thing...I would also suggest you learn a thing or two about a small brown spherical object that is slightly pointed on each end and flies through the air. For some reason, this mystical creature emerges in the Fall and is worshipped by millions. Small charismatic house churches are formed all over the country in celebration of its existence. There are dance moves, chants, sometimes even spiritual bursts of exuberance, and a whole new language that must be learned in order to join this sect - but there must be something to it. It can evoke more emotion from a man than 20 Lifetime movies put together.

Ah, yes. Men. They are a magical lot. Simple observance of them is adventure in and of itself. Thank you, guys, for making us laugh and keeping life interesting. We love you just the way you are (and remember, we are always here if you ever want to talk about your feelings...)!

(This is me and my friend Ronnie. We were making mud-pies. I don't know if I was trying to domesticate him or if he was trying to ungirlify me...)

Where was I?

2006-07-15T16:31:00.000-06:00

I had no idea how easily distracted I am until a few minutes ago when I had to leave the computer to go look for a serial killer.

Let me explain. I am sitting at my computer, and I hear the "beep beep beep" sound that my alarm system makes when an exterior door in my house is opened. My roommate is out shopping, so no one should be coming in. Mildly concerned, I get up from my desk, assume the "let's go check for serial killers" stance, and proceed to walk through the house.

Luckily, I found no serial killers - however, here's what I did find. A pile of videos in the middle of the hallway. 5 or 6 shopping bags in the middle of the living room floor. My DVD player sitting there with the tray open, no DVD.

Backtrack with me a moment. I went shopping this morning with a friend. I came home from shopping, and dropped a bunch of bags on the living room floor. My plan was to sit down and wrap some gifts. I decided to pop in a movie to watch while wrapping. I got up, ejected a movie from the DVD player and went into the hallway looking for a new selection. As I looked, somehow I decided I needed to weed out my movie collection and toss some in the yard sale pile. After doing this, my DVD shelf had more room and some of the shelves needed to be re-arranged. I got up to come into my office to look for the extra little brackety things you use to adjust the height level of the shelves. I didn't find them, so I decided to sit down and check my email. Somehow I ended up blog surfing and here I am. The trail of unfinished projects I left behind is still winding through the house (and I still haven't found the little brackety things).

I'm always joking with my friends who have children and telling them that I probably shouldn't be allowed to have kids. I can barely get myself out the door with all my clothes on (and on time, no less) - much less with someone else to worry about. I hate to think what today's scene might look like if I did have kids. I can just see one of them all soaped up in the tub - turning all wrinkly because I left to get a towel and ended up re-arranging the living room furniture.

So Melannie, when was it that you needed me to watch Emily for you?

True Worship

2006-07-10T20:56:00.000-06:00

I have to tell you about a worship experience I had the other night. I went to a contemporary praise & worship service at a local church with a few friends. They had a band, big screens with the words to songs on them, smoke machines, the works. While it was all good, it faded into the background when I noticed the most beautiful angels sitting on the row in front of us.

We sat maybe four rows from the front. The row in front of us was inhabited by one family - what appeared to be a single dad and three daughters, all spread out. The lights were dim, music was loud, everyone was singing, a few were even dancing. Several shouted "Hallelujahs" from the rows in the back. As we stood to sing, I looked down and the youngest child had fallen asleep with her head in her father's lap. She had the most beautiful, sweet expression of complete peace on her face. How she could sleep in the midst of all the noise is beyond me. But there she was, completely out of place with the environment around her. Her father gently stroked her hair as he sang. And I worshipped in that moment. Pure love exhibited so clearly right before my eyes.

As the evening rolled on, the music never got quieter - only slower. Before long, I noticed another of the daughters. She was sitting close to the end of the row, a little separated from her older sister. She couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 years old. A white bow in her hair that could have been angels wings. One of her hands was malformed, it looked as if it had not developed properly. At one point during some song that I can't recall, she clasped her tiny little hands together - one healthy and normal, the other withered and misshapen. She clasped those perfect little hands together and bowed her head. No one had prompted her to do this. Everyone else was still singing. And there she was. And I worshipped in that moment. Pure unadulterated worship displayed right before my very eyes.

Oh, God definitely showed up that night. But it wasn't in the worship leader or the praise team. Not in the smoke machines or the fancy screens. I couldn't even tell you what the pastor spoke about. But those 2 little angels right there in our midst - that's where I saw Him. It was so vivid, so alive. His presence was so powerful, that the guitars, drums and keyboards all faded into the background. And all I could hear was the brush of angels wings mingled with the sounds of children's laughter. You know - the sound smiles make that can only be heard by the heart.

Salad Shooter days

2006-07-08T12:53:00.000-06:00

Sometimes life is a Salad Shooter and you are the veggie. My recent grand proclamation of rest was followed by one of the worst weeks I've had in a while. All hell broke loose at work. I almost lost $2.4 million. We had a Home Office audit (aka a week long root canal and/or rectal exam). My dog had a barfing spell. And the brakes on my car went on the fritz.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That week just made me tired. Luckily I had a 4 day weekend over the 4th. The rest I had planned for the week prior did finally come. Funnily enough, now I am so well rested that I can't sleep at night.

Taking a step back and looking at life on this earth from a broad brush perspective, we all have Salad Shooter days, weeks, months or even years. I know that one won't be my last. But it's all part of life. And somewhere along the way, God uses it all to make a tasty salad or slaw that will bring glory to Him.

When Joseph's brothers threw him in the pit in Genesis 37, I'm sure he wasn't thinking, "Oh boy! I am about to be sold into slavery. Woo Hoo!" And so he was pressed through the blades of life. While he did come out on the other side a kaleidoscopic version of his former self, he was the better for it in the end. He recognizes this in Genesis 50:20 when he tells his brothers, " You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done..."

Rather than working through difficult times, seeking to learn what we can or looking with hope to see how God might use our trials, so often we get stuck between the blades focusing on our plight - never going anywhere. Maybe the sounds of our groanings echoing off the walls of the blender become some twisted form of comfort like the wooshy wub wub sounds of the womb. Who knows. But if we set up housekeeping in the blades of the Salad Shooter, wallowing in our troubles, never learning or growing from them - we will begin to stank like rotten cabbage.

Maybe we will continue to go through the grinder until we are ground as fine as sand. If that is the consistency we need to be in order to fit God's recipe for us, then probably so. Avoiding the process altogether won't do us any good either. An uncut head of lettuce sitting in the middle of the salad bowl doesn't do anyone any good (and it makes the host look a little crazy). Truthfully, I'm not sure we could avoid those blender times even if we wanted to. Much of what makes those times so cutting is the lack of control we feel, or the injustice we suffered that placed us there in the first place.

Whether you're dodging the blades at the bottom of the blender, being slung out of the Shooter and into the bowl, or getting a little slimy from hiding under a blade, it doesn't always feel like these circumstances will be used for God's glory. But I would like to leave you with these verses from the Message Bible:
"Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner." -1 Peter 4:12-13

Have hope. Be of good cheer. God has a plan, and He is not asleep!

Noisy Clutter

2006-06-26T21:12:00.000-06:00

I recently attended a wedding for my cousin in Memphis, TN. At the reception, they had an awesome band playing. People were dancing, laughing, talking, mingling. The lights were low, and the ambiance was perfect. While the setting was amazing, it got me to thinking about the low lighting and noise in my life.

Anytime you wanted to talk to someone at this reception, you almost had to shout to be heard, many times having to repeat yourself. This can become frustrating after a while, almost to the point of discouraging communication. My daily life so often parallels this situation.

I have reached a point where I feel like I need to wipe the slate clean and start over. Spring cleaning, yard sale season, whatever. I have too many things going on. Too many outside forces pulling me in different directions. Too many loose ends on the worldly side of things. After this wedding, I began thinking about all the noise in my life. It seems I have so many distractions that I cannot hear the One True Voice that matters most - God.

I have decided to curtail TV, spending, unhealthy eating, worldly relationships, and inefficient rest for one week. Lately it seems life has become so self-indulgent, so rushed, so competitive that I am running in circles and going nowhere. I told someone today that I was crispy around the edges and singed from the burn-out I was suffering. I need to take a step back, rid myself of all the noise and have a "cleansing" if you will. I wouldn't call it a big "fast" per se, just a break. A time to refocus and clear my head.

When I am truly connected to God and can hear the whisper of His voice, it is the sweetest sound ever to grace my ears. He has awakened me in the middle of the night before to tell me to read something from His word. He has splashed sunbeams across the sky just for me because that's something special we share. He sings to me on the radio and ministers to me through the birds of the air. This world is alive with the sound of His voice, the rustle of the leaves as He passes by, the gentle breeze that carries his laughter. Oh how I miss Him.

When I allow my life to become cluttered with too much junk, it is like a teenager listening to heavy metal music in their bedroom. It rattles the walls of the entire house, damages their hearing, and no one can communicate with them. I wonder how tired God must be of trying to talk to me above the noise. How many glimpses of beauty and grace have I missed because I was off head-banging in my room?

Not saying there's anything wrong with a little heavy metal from time to time. It's a part of life. But too much leaves one dusty and dry. I miss the plush refreshment of peace that washes over you when you are in close communion with Him. I have simply let myself get too caught up in the mundane and unimportant. Now I am out here trying to drink the sand in the desert. It's no good. So I am embarking on a journey of refreshment. I am going to try to steer clear of the computer for a week or so....so I'll let you know how it goes!

Asleep on the Battlefield

2006-06-19T21:18:00.000-06:00

Today I was in Atlanta driving on I285. If you know anything about Atlanta, you know that 285 is the "Bypass" also known as the "Perimeter." On a map, it is the big circle around Atlanta. All of the 18-wheelers are supposed to take this route rather than driving 85 straight through the city. While I'm not wild about zipping my little car in and out of traffic between those giant trucks, I do it anyway. Today as I was making that drive, I could barely stay awake. I have been on the go so much lately that I am near exhaustion. Sleep has not been plentiful in several weeks now, and the monotony of driving sometimes puts me right out.

As I was driving today, I kept having to sing, shake my head, turn up the AC, and anything else I could think of to stay awake. It occurred to me that this scenario is a parallel to my spiritual life many days. As I am whizzing through traffic, I am constantly surrounded by danger and near-death experiences. Yet I am on the verge of sleep.

How many times have I become complacent in my walk with God, that temptation will creep up on me and surround me? How sleepy have I become that I am caught up in the things of this world and swept away before I realize it? How many dangerous and potentially fatal things have I allowed the Enemy to position right beside me?

Today, I was in that condition for several reasons. One, I was physically exhausted. I've been going and doing too much. I haven't given my body a chance to recharge. It's no wonder that I am falling asleep at the wheel. Two, I had been traveling the same path with nothing fresh and new for some time. Three, I was traveling alone. No one to talk to. The same is true for our walk with God.

We become so busy with other things, even church things that we do not take time to revive ourselves physically or spiritually. This sets us up for falling prey to temptation and weakens our resistance. Second, we often get stuck in a spiritual rut - never experiencing God in new ways. Worshipping Him in a different setting or stepping out of our comfort zone to serve someone can wake us up and give us a fresh perspective and energy. Finally, we were not meant to walk alone. It is so easy to stray from the path when we have no one beside us to keep us motivated, encouraged and accountable.

A few weeks ago, there was a fatal accident on 285 in Atlanta. A UPS truck (18 wheeler) and a van had pulled over to the shoulder - broken down. A UPS mechanic was under the truck working on it. Another 18 wheeler came along and plowed right into the truck, killing the mechanic. The driver had fallen asleep and had not even slowed down. On the news, you could not even recognize the truck that had been hit because it was completely destroyed.

When we fall asleep at the spiritual wheel, we not only run the risk of wrecking our own lives, we also put others in danger. We are called to be a light to the world. We are called to encourage one another. As ministers of God, we cannot afford to become lazy and complacent. We may be the only Jesus some people will ever see. If we are careening down a path of destruction, we run the risk of taking others with us by example or simply running them over with our blindness.

We all need to get some rest and revive physically and spiritually. I was once told that sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is take a nap. I couldn't agree more. Not only do we need to slow down as a society, we also need to hush up. Rest and relaxation can go hand in hand with quiet meditation.

We all need a change of scenery. Shake things up a bit. God is not one sided and intends for us to see Him from many angles. Put your "3D glasses" on and look for Him in a new way.

And like the "after school specials" commercials - it's always safer and more fun to travel with friends. We weren't meant to navigate this journey alone. So load up the station wagon before you head out tomorrow...

So be on your guard, not asleep like the others. Stay alert and be sober.
-1 Thess 5:6

Encourage each other and build each other up...
-1 Thess 5:11a

To Believe or Not Believe...

2006-06-16T21:54:00.000-06:00

I can't tell you how many times I have either heard or made the statement, "I wish God would just tell me ______." Or "Why can't God me more clear on _______." Then there's "I think God is telling me _______, but I don't know if that's Him or something I just cooked up in my own mind. I sure wish He would send me some sort of confirmation." Often we seem to seek the road map rather than the Father.

In Genesis 15, God told Abraham that he would have a son. This is clearly something Abraham had longed for, something that he desired. It wasn't a bad desire. Yet it went unfulfilled, unanswered for quite some time. In verse 4, God simply tells Abraham it would come to pass. No time table, no map, no itinerary - just a simple statement of fact. Abraham's reaction here is key. "Abraham believed the Lord" (verse 6).

Belief was Abraham's immediate response. Later he does ask God for some sort of script. Verse 9, "O Sovereign Lord, how can I be sure that you will give it to me?" Our human nature desires structure and planning. We fear the unknown, and we covet control (or at least inclusion). God is big enough, loving enough and patient enough to handle these types of questions. But remember, Abraham's question followed belief. His belief did not hinge on the road map. All too often, I postpone belief waiting for my copy of the flight plans. I want to believe, but I like to do a little market analysis and some numbers crunching before I can commit. So my belief often follows the questions. That clearly is not what faith is about.

Abraham's response of belief earned him God's seal of approval. Abraham believed, and "God declared him righteous because of his faith" (verse 6). Even after God restates his promise to Abraham, He still does not lay out the time frame or the how's and where's. He simply tells him again with a little more detail that he will have an heir. Sometimes God just lays it out there and leaves it. No further explanation. He expects us to trust Him. We have to make a conscious decision to simply believe Him.

As for the argument of "How do I know if this is God telling me this or if it's something I cooked up," all I can say is to step back and really look at this "promise." Will it benefit the Kingdom? You can be sure that Satan will not point you in the direction of anything that will strengthen you spiritually. He will not encourage you down a path that is going to further the Kingdom. That being said, we can get into very fuzzy lines here. While Satan is not going to try selling you on something Godly, he can use seemingly Godly things to distract you. All in all, we simply don't know with 100% certainty. That is where faith comes in.

When we sense God is laying something on our hearts, and it is aligned with His word - we must make a choice to either believe or question. Abraham chose belief, and it was credited to him as righteousness. Asking for direction is okay, but belief must be our first step.

Creation

2006-06-15T20:15:00.000-06:00

I don't know about you, but I am a creation junky. When I get into the creative zone, I lose all track of time and find it hard to stop. I love that feeling of being awake at 2:00 A.M., eyes all red, body tired - yet so exhilarated by the project at hand you can't figure how it got to be so late. I've been there many times, often covered in paint or knee deep in something.

My former roommate used to make fun of me because I say everything takes 20 minutes. Maybe I think that because it only feels like 20 minutes when I am in that zone. In the same way a thousand years is as a day and a day a thousand years to God, so it is with me and creative time. I have been known to go to my bedroom with the intention of going to bed only to end up re-arranging furniture for several hours. When I get that itch, I can't sit still (or sleep) until I've done something about it. And with me, there typically are no simple projects. I seem to have a flair for the elaborate (what can I say, one idea sparks another and another and another...).

As I was on my way home from photography class tonight, I passed a small store with the windows mostly covered in paper. The lights were on inside, and through one uncovered window I could see a couple of people inside unpacking, organizing, etc. I wondered if they were simply moving an existing business or if they were starting something new. It was late, and I wondered if they had that tired feeling in their bones. I twinge of envy passed through my body. There is nothing quite like the sense of accomplishment you experience after you've poured your heart and soul into creating something. And, oh the sweet sleep that follows when you fall into bed almost to the point of sheer exhaustion.

While I know God does not grow tired, I can only imagine Him during the Creation. Forming, shaping, painting things with brilliant colors, then standing back to take a look. Adding a little more, make a change here, tweek there. Ah, now - that's it! Then at the end of the process, He kicks back to chill and enjoy that feeling of completion. That "it is finished" feeling.

I can't help but think of another "it is finished" moment. You know the one. The moment that suspended Creation between Heaven and Earth. The moment that made it possible for us to anticipate the final "it is finished" moment with joy. Can you imagine the collective sigh of completion we will all experience when we are all in Heaven? For God, He can kick back now that His kids are home. For us, we can finally relax and kick off our shoes. Kind of like that feeling you get when returning home from a long trip. We'll all be there together, with that fullness in our bones, that sense of completion and wholeness. It is finished. Woohoo! I can't wait! But I do wonder how long it will take before I start wanting to re-arrange the furniture in my mansion! ;)

Not Alone

2006-06-14T21:16:00.000-06:00

Eureka!! I have finally met someone with as many crazy stories as me! We have a new girl at work who seems to be trapped in a comic strip life like me. Now the pressure's off! Finally, I'm not alone. She was telling me stories today about setting her hair on fire. At least when I set myself on fire, it was only my pajamas. She also told me about a time when she drove a lawn mower up to the gas station so she could buy a coke. I never did that. My driving stories only involve stealing a car at age 14, getting pulled over by the military police, peeling my tires through an intersection in front of a cop, getting "lost" on the army base and ending up behind the targets on the firing range, 3 accidents, 1 ticket that involved court, blowing the engine out of a car, driving a car with a poltergeist, drag racing in a minivan, and a couple of others I won't mention.

Okay, so it appears I might be a little out ahead in the wild stories department. But hey, she is a few years younger than me, so she has plenty of time to catch up. Maybe I can be her mentor.

A Rose is a Rose

2006-06-13T20:18:00.000-06:00

I heard this song years ago, but had almost forgotten about it until God brought it before me today. I really needed this word from Him, and I sense there are others who need it to. These are the words to a song entitled "A Rose is a Rose" written by Wayne Kirkpatrick and recorded by Susan Ashton:

You're at a stand still
You're at an impass
Your mountain of dreams
Seems harder to climb

By those who have made you
Feel like an outcast
Cause you dare to be different
So they're drawing a line

They say you're a fool
They feed you resistance
They tell you you'll never go very far
But they'll be the same ones
That stand in the distance
Alone in the shadow
Of your shining star

Chorus:
Just keep on the same road
And keep on your toes
And just keep your heart steady as she goes
And let them call you what they will
It don't matter
A rose by any name is still a rose

The kindness of strangers
It seems like a fable
But they've yet to see
What I see in you

But you can make it
If you are able
To believe in yourself
The way I do

(chorus)

Cause a deal is a deal
In the heart of a dream
And a spade is a spade
If you know what I mean
And a rose is a rose is a rose

To deal with the scoffers
Well, it's part of the bargain
They heckle from back rows
And they bark at the moon

Their flowers are fading
In time's bitter garden
But yours is only
Beginning to bloom

So keep on the same road
And keep on your toes
And just keep your heart steady as she goes
And let them call you what they will
Just remember
A rose by any name is still a rose

Being in the corporate world is so hard. Some days I feel so out of place that I want to come home and crawl under the covers. Some days I just don't think I can go back. My job, in and of itself, is great. I enjoy it. Even my co-workers are nice, and we all get along. But we are not of the same ilk. We do not value and pursue the same things. Since there are more of them than there are of me, I often feel like a kid on the playground who's not invited to play with the others. Funny how I never really experienced that as a child, but as an adult that feeling is more real that I'd like to admit. While I do not want to be a part of their world, it is still tiring to feel so out of place all the time. And sometimes it can wear pretty thin.

Many times I have wished I could quit my job and move to a monastery type place and just sit in the presence of God for a good long while. No more phone calls. No more business deals. No more malls or shoe shopping. Just me and God. Then slowly a few family/friends at a time could come in. We'd pray and just bask in the glory of God. Reflect on His word and share what He has spoken to us.

Last night He told me to read Luke 12. I wasn't sure what Luke 12 was about specifically, so I turned there. Here are a few things He wanted me to realize from that chapter:
1. Jesus also experienced a sense of overwhelming by the crowds (v 1)
2. Be more concerned with what effect God will have on you than what effect man will have on you (v 4-5)
3. Don't be afraid or discouraged. God is right there. He sees you, and you are not alone or out of His reach. (v 6-7)
4. Although it may be scary and may make you feel like an outcast, God expects us to acknowledge Him in our lives, no matter what (v 8-9)
5. Do not waste time focusing on money, power or anything else of this world - it is worthless (v 21)
6. Don't worry about anything, big or small. Again, anything and everything of this world is temporary. Make God your priority! (v 22-31)
7. Not only should you not worry about things of this world, take what you do have and give it away or use it to help someone else (v 33-34)
8. Live every minute as if Jesus is in the clouds, on His way back for the 2nd coming. (v 35-47)
9. Be careful what you wish/ask for. The more you have, the more expected of you (v48)
10. Don't expect to "fit in" with the world. Jesus came not to bring peace, but to bring division. If you are living for Him, expect to suffer from severed and strained relationships with those who do not believe (v 49-53)

Life is hard. It's not fair. And a lot of times it flat out sucks. Satan uses our alienation from the world to amplify feelings of loneliness or insecurity. He takes what may be a crack in the sidewalk and makes it appear to be an impassable chasm. We live in a realm of distortion. Life here on earth is not comfortable. It's not supposed to be. Remember, people of the world are living it up now because this is as close as they will ever get to heaven. On the flip side, it is as close to hell as we'll ever get. We live with discomfort now because it points us to our Eternal Relief. Our partying days have not yet begun.

Hang in there. God is but a whisper away. He sees all, knows all and loves all. We are not alone, and this life is not for naught. We are here for a reason. So while we might want to quit our jobs and sit in a monastery somewhere, God has a different purpose for us. Times will come when we become weary, and that's okay. Even Jesus needed to step away, revive and regroup before facing the crowds again.

Crawl into your Father's lap and get a good night's sleep. It'll make all the difference in the world.

Delayed Promises

2006-06-09T20:20:00.000-06:00

I have been going to a Bible study on Thursday nights that is based on Beth Moore's study on the Patriarchs. This week, God spoke so many things to my impatient heart. I am so glad we serve a God that looks on us lovingly as we dance around with ants in our pants waiting for prayers to be answered. My heart is warmed when I realize that He has reached into my heart to calm me and gently remind me that waiting on Him will always bring rewards.

In Genesis 12, God promises Abram blessings, fame, and land. Abram goes to the land and shortly thereafter, famine comes. Gee, thanks - right? Abram books it down to Egypt to wait out the famine. We don't know if God told him to go there, or if he went of his own volition. I speculate as to whether he went there under God's direction because he was so afraid that he lied about Sarai being his wife.

Let's assume he did go of his own accord. Is running ahead of God or stepping outside His plan what caused Abram to lose trust in God to protect him? A shifting focus from God to self-preservation can cause one to lose perspective and fall prey to temptation. Was it a mere lack of trust that caused Abram to lie? Could selfishness have been a factor? Could one breathe life into the other? In the end, Abram's lie is exposed and he is sent packing. This part of the story has always baffled me a little. It appears that Abram is basically rewarded for lying. He amassed great wealth while in Egypt, many gifts from the pharaoh. Then with a stern word, he is given his wife, all his belongings and sent on his way. That's it? No lightning bolt or anything? Hmmm.

Remember the famine? I am operating under the assumption Abram high-tailed it to Egypt under no direction from God, got himself into a mess, and now in chapter 13 is heading back toward Bethel where they had camped before. Verse 4 says, "This was the place where Abram had built the altar, and there he again worshiped the Lord." He seems to be getting back on track. Now he is so wealthy that the land cannot support both him and Lot and all their possessions. So he graciously offers Lot first choice of the land. Lot looks around and picks the best, most fertile land for himself. Yet again, this wonderful blessing Abram is supposed to receive seems to be like the short end of the wishbone. But look at what follows in verse 14 of chapter 13.

"After Lot was gone, the Lord said to Abram, 'Look as far as you can see in every direction. I am going to give all this land to you and your offspring as a permanent possession."

He finally takes a step back, puts someone else first and it seems he is getting the shaft again - then God steps in and gives him everything. Abraham seems to be the man of the delayed promise. It appears that he is always going to end up with the bootleg version of a blessing or that somehow his blessing will be temporary or taken away completely. Later he is promised a son, then met with another delay. Again, he takes matters into his own hands and tries to create the blessing for himself. Finally, after the promised son is given, God tells Abraham to sacrifice him.

God used this cycle of promise-delay-sacrifice in Abraham's life to strengthen his faith. If Abraham was tempted to take matters into his own hands and "help God along" maybe that's why he had to endure the same lesson more than once. Maybe he tended to take "ownership" of things more than he should. Maybe God had to train him to a point where he truly viewed everything as belonging to God.

I frequently find myself caught up in this same cycle. I will receive a promise, then comes the delay. Sometimes it appears that someone else is getting to cash in on the promise instead of me. And sometimes God calls me to sacrifice it altogether. I am so stubborn, greedy and hard-headed. If only I would learn from Abraham's progress and return to the altar of the Lord. Lay my "possessions" at his feet and be truly willing to sacrifice it all to Him.

I know I go through times of famine and delay because I have tried to pack my own tent so full of junk that it is bulging at the seams. I cling to that tent with all my might. But how can I embrace God when my hands are holding so tightly onto other things?

I must make my way back toward Bethel where I once worshipped the Lord. And I must again worship him. I need to allow others in my life the freedom to grow, and I need to put them first and let them go. I need to stand empty-handed before my Lord and let Him fill me up in His own time. Only then will I be ready to receive and humble enough to be used.

Internet Predators

2006-06-09T16:10:00.000-06:00

In case you haven't heard, Dateline NBC has a new program out called "To Catch a Predator" which is about catching adults who attempt to solicit underage children on-line for sex. I don't know why I watch it because it makes me so upset, but if I happen to turn on the TV and it's on, I always end up watching it. Their latest episode was on one night this week, and I was appalled at the new twist that seemed to arise. Every episode usually has at least one incident that will cause your jaw to drop, but this one caused my heart to break.

Each episode they broadcast from a different city. They've been in New York, California, Florida, and this week they were in Ohio. They wanted to see if men who lived in rural areas, quiet towns, miles from any big cities would be as predatory as in the larger cities of previous episodes. Unfortunately, perversion and hormones run just as strong whether you are in the city or out in the sticks. Some of these guys would drive hours to get to the undercover house. But the new twist that was introduced here was religion. Over and over again, these men would come in and talk about God, church, religion. Some wore crosses around their necks. One was from a Christian school. Keep in mind these men were there with the notion they would be having sex with a 14 year old girl. They had copies of their on-line chats that were so graphic they couldn't read them on TV. But when they were busted, they tried playing the "religion" card.

At first I was speechless. I still can't decide what to think. I know that Christian men struggle with lust and all the things of the flesh. I know they are human. That doesn't make it right for them to seek out sex with children, but I am saying that I know they aren't immune to temptation. What breaks my heart is the damage these men did to the Kingdom of God by going on national TV and trying to use God as a 'get out of jail free' card. For a moment, I thought, "Well - maybe it will help the world to see that Christians aren't perfect and they also struggle." But that feeling was soon overridden by dismay.

These days it is often difficult, if not impossible to see the difference between Christians and non-Christians. Yes, Christians struggle. But many times it seems we aren't even fighting temptation any more. We find ourselves in the pig slop, wallowing around right along side the world. No wonder so many people are turned off to Christianity. Why would they want to dedicate themselves to a life that so often is fraught with hypocrisy? We are supposed to look different from everyone else. We are supposed to live differently than the world. Yet so often, we show up one after the other - seeking the very things that eat our souls alive, the things God hates.

I guess this is such a pet peeve for me because I see it so much in my own life. Don't worry, I don't surf the net looking for children to have sex with - but I often see myself blending in with my co-workers. Is my speech different from theirs? Do I laugh at the same jokes they do? When they get in my car to go to lunch, what will they hear playing in my CD player? Does my life look like one that belongs to God? Do they see me serving them and others as I should? Do I join in on the gossip circuit? Does my anger boil over into tyrannical ranting? Do I seek to get ahead regardless of who I may be stepping on? Are all my business deals above board and fair? Do I play by the rules? Can they trust me? Do I think more highly of myself than I ought? The list could go on and on.

I don't want to have to get busted on national TV or in the boardroom before I decide to play the "God" card. I want everyone to look at me like I am crazy and make fun of me at cocktail parties because I am the only one not drinking and cussing. I want them to excuse themselves when they tell off color jokes or use filthy language around me. I want them to know they can come to me with the darkest secret of their lives, and KNOW it will be safe with me. I want them to feel appreciated, loved, encouraged, protected and respected by me. I want them to look at my business portfolio and know that every account in it is one that was developed with honesty and integrity. I want them to see me treat my most vile clients with the utmost respect. I want them to see that I am joyfully different and filled with inexplicable peace no matter the circumstance. God has called us to live this life.

We all struggle. I know I sure do. While my sin may not be quite as public as Dateline NBC, I am reminded by that show that my actions do speak volumes to those around me. What kind of influence am I having for the Kingdom? Are my struggles overwhelming me to the point I look no different than the world? If so, I say we must take radical steps to move back toward God. We are SUPPOSED to look different than the world.

"Loving God means keeping his commandments, and really, that isn't difficult. For every child of God defeats this evil world by trusting Christ to give the victory. And the ones who win this battle against the world are the ones who believe that Jesus is the Son of God.

We know that those who have become part of God's family do not make a practice of sinning, for God's Son holds them securely, and the evil one cannot get his hands on them. We know that we are children of God and that the world around us is under the power and control of the evil one. And we know that the Son of God has come, and he has given us understanding so that we can know the true God. And now we are in God because we are in his Son, Jesus Christ. He is the only true God, and he is eternal life. Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God's place in your hearts."

I John 5:3-5;18-21

Sometimes I look at myself and the world around me and wonder if I will ever live up. Will I ever be the dynamic person God has called me to be? Will the desire in my heart ever become stronger than the fear in my mind? Funny how I often long for perfection, yet God always works so powerfully through weakness. Oh, that my weaknesses would be perfection in His hands.

Home again, at last!

2006-06-08T21:20:00.000-06:00

Well, I am back from another jaunt to Atlanta. Only one more this month and I will be done with Atlanta for June. I feel like I have been living out of a suitcase lately! Sadly enough, in a couple of weeks I'll go back to Atl, come home for a day or two, then I'm off to Memphis. Not that I'm complaining! I feel very fortunate to be able to travel the way I do. In fact, I'm afraid it has begun to spoil me a little...nice hotels, great food (all on someone else's dime!).

Anyway, I must relay to you my latest from the ATL. I only boast of my progress because I was so timid about Atlanta merely months ago. I used to enter the fair city with white knuckles and trembling knees. While I am still cautious, I am falling into step slowly but surely. This week, I was able to navigate my way around to several places without directions, maps or anything. And I'm a-learnin' the lingo. I took my boss with me this time, and when I started telling him we needed to find the "king and queen" and that this particular place was ITP, he looked at me like I had two heads. I had to laugh.

Anyway, while I am slowly being wooed by the city of Atlanta, I did have a couple of hilarious near-death experiences this week. They are hilarious to me because I have such a warped sense of humor. I can see humor in almost anything if I look hard enough. And, like my mother, when I see something off the wall that makes me laugh - well, the more I laugh, the funnier it becomes. Then the mere fact that I am the only one laughing makes me laugh even harder. Sorry, getting side-tracked.

Back to the brushes with death. I was almost bitten on the head by a gigantic Rottweiller in the parking lot of a Home Depot. Luckily, the car window he tried to jump through wasn't open another inch or so. He could only get his head and upper torso out the window. As I was wedged between our cars, he lunged for me with his lips curled revealing razor-sharp teeth that glistened in the sun. Each rabid snarling bark produced foamy saliva that dripped from his chin. I, of course, was unaware of his presence until I heard this deafening bark and felt the hot breath on my neck.

Second, the hotel I normally stay at was completely booked. So I had no option but to seek shelter elsewhere. I found a nice little hotel on-line, a brand I was familiar with. The room was even $40 cheaper per night. That should have been my first clue (never again will I book a room that rents for less than $100 a night). As we pulled into the parking lot, I began to laugh hysterically. What the internet portrayed as a modern, updated, nice hotel was in reality owned and operated by the Bates family. My boss' groans from the driver's seat only made the moment that much funnier. I told him it couldn't be all bad. After all, there was a Farrari in the parking lot. Turns out that belonged to a "mobile pharmacist" if you catch my meaning. When we got up to our rooms, my boss had to use his shoulder to force his door open. The sheets were pepto pink. And there was a lovely blend of sirens in the background.

Best of all was the traffic. We were almost squished by an 18-wheeler that changed lanes on top of us. And we janked up the transmission somehow, and ended up driving all the way home with the engine light on. I, of course, was laughing so hard that I had tears streaming down my face. I think exhaustion had begun to set in.

So all in all, it was an interesting trip to say the least. I loved every minute of it. And best of all, I got to have lunch at the Rexall Drug Store in Duluth. That place is almost worth the drive just by itself! If you've never been, you've got to put it on your list of things to do. Let me know, and I'll take you if you want. It is like stepping into Mayberry. It's the weirdest thing. Everyone in there knows each other. And they must have a fleet of granny's back there in the kitchen because that food is slap yo' mama good! It's something everyone must experience for himself.

Enough of my travels for now. Must get sleep...

Photos

2006-05-30T20:27:00.000-06:00

The photo shoot of the 3 year old twins went well on Saturday - right up until the end. Luckily we were almost done when Alex decided to dive head first into the fountain in front of Shakespeare. It was priceless. And, yes I got a picture of it! (Go to my other blog to check it out)

I just love kids. They have such a wonderful spirit of adventure. The twins I took pictures of on Saturday are 3 years old as I said. One is a boy and one is a girl. It's so funny to watch the differences in siblings. When Alyssa was told to stand and pose, she would remain as still as her 3 year old little body could stand. Eventually she would begin to dance in place and twirl her dress around. But Alex, on the other hand... We would try to get him to pose for a shot, and we'd look up and he would be off in a flower bed or behind some bushes or running up a hill or diving into the fountain. It was a blast! Not only are siblings different, but boys and girls are so different as well.

I think the parents get more uptight on these photo shoots than I do. I guess they think I am secretly fuming and thinking their kids are the worst on the planet. Actually it's quite the opposite. Kids are kids. They run, play and explore. If they didn't my pictures would be boring! So I love every minute of it. Besides I have a super long zoom lens, so let 'em run - I can still photograph them from a long ways off!

Anyway - today was my first day back at work after being in Atlanta last week. Things were CRAZY as usual. I was reminded of those sweet little twins. I know I need to get some work done eventually, but I also need to take time to dance in place, twirl my dress, hide behind a cubicle and jump in the proverbial fountain from time to time. We adults are far too serious most of the time!!

Falling for ATL

2006-05-27T00:03:00.000-06:00

Well, I successfully made it back from Atlanta this week. Had to go there on business. After several trips now, I feel like I am starting to get used to the traffic. I must be getting comfy because I actually started to dose off on I-285. And I engaged an 18-wheeler in lane wars at one point. Hey, I can't help it he couldn't read the signs that excluded him from entering the 2 left lanes. But I made sure he knew about it! (And, yes, I made it out alive).

I have to say, I love a city where driving 25 miles over the speed limit is the norm. Only problem is when I get back to MGM, I have to "detox" and slow it down a bit. I have gotten very proficient in bobbing and weaving in and out of traffic though. In fact, some of my co-workers are a little afraid to ride with me now! Just wait until I take them to the ATL! I can change lanes with only inches to spare. I'm so proud.

I found out this week that I will now be going to ATL at least once a month, possibly twice. What's more - a friend of mine just told me I could use his condo when I am in town. Well- he's moving to MGM and it is for sale - so I can use it until it sells. Even so, it's ITP and only a mile from the mall. What more could a girl ask for!!

I gotta tell ya - ATL used to wig me out because it's so big. But it is growing on me. I mean, hey - if I can sleep in 8 lane traffic doing 80 mph - I must be morphing into a native! All I need now is a Bluetooth, a Blackberry, a laptop, and some Prada and I should be set!

In other news tonight, I was in downtown MGM earlier this evening at Jubilee City Fest. I was commissioned to take some nighttime photos for a magazine cover. Anyway - I have to say that our fair city is not the most attractive of places when littered with road blocks, orange traffic cones, and drunks. Needless to say, I only got 1 or 2 decent shots. I guess I am going to have to go back down there some time this weekend and try again. I have a photo shoot with 3 year old twins tomorrow afternoon. Maybe I can venture out again after that.

By the way, for those of you who know about my sod-laying incident - it seems to be doing alright. However - my dad informed me today that I needed to move some of it. I am in complete and total despair! Luckily I still don't have my voice completely back yet, so I couldn't scream when he told me.

Oh well, sorry for the randomness of this one. I've been out of pocket for a week or so. And it is 1:03 AM after all. I really can't be held responsible for my actions...

Adullam House

2006-05-21T17:36:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I went with a group of people to help out at a children's home named the Adullam House. The children there all have mothers in prison. Their fathers are MIA as well. The entire experience was fraught with mixed emotion for me. As we drove up, there were children running and playing on the front lawn. At first glance, it seemed like any other normal home.

We went there to play with the children or do whatever else was needed in order to give the staff a short break for a few hours. Upon our arrival, we learned that there are many volunteers. Some groups come from other cities and may stay for a couple of weeks at a time. They also help with the children as well as doing construction work around the property. They are in the process of building additional housing and a chapel.

The day we went, the place was a flurry of activity. Children and adults were everywhere. Inside. Outside. Cooking, cleaning, playing, working. It was almost too much for me. I am still trying to take it all in. They have children ranging in age from 4 weeks to 15 years. In speaking with the director, I learned that she had just received a phone call from the prison telling her that another mother had gone into labor. So they were expecting another new born.

The scene we saw when first arriving, one of children running and laughing soon became one of sadness for me. I took up with a 3 month old little boy named Jacoby. In fact, I carried him around almost the entire time I was there. I got to rock him, feed him, be thrown up on by him, change him and put him down for a nap. As I sat gazing at this beautiful baby, I couldn't help but think of his mother. I wondered what she was doing at that moment as I rocked her little boy. Was she sitting in her cell thinking of him? I wondered if he looked like her. I wondered if she wanted him. How long would it be before they could be reunited? I wondered what it must feel like to be a mother and know that someone else was holding your child. I think it must be one of the most torturous things to endure.

At one point I took Jacoby onto the front porch. As I sat there in a rocking chair, we watched the older children run and play. Another little boy came and crawled into my lap. Another volunteer sat opposite me in another rocking chair with another small baby. I began to watch the children and the volunteers. As I watched, one thing I noticed were the grandfathers. We had 4 that went with us that day. My heart melted as I observed these men serving these children. Bud and Melvin manned the grill, cooking lunch for all these people. Mark ran around tossing the football with several of the boys. Dick sat under a tree talking to a teenager. Another guy that went with us was sitting in the grass with probably 10 children around him as he talked to and played with them. Others were blowing bubbles and throwing frisbees.

There is something about seeing a man play with a child that really gets me. I guess I'm not that moved when I see women interact with children because it is in our nature. I see women caring for children all the time. But to see these men, especially these grandfathers taking time to come and help these children - for some reason, there just are no words. There is something different, something special about a man's influence over children. Look at all the statistics regarding a father's presence in the home. I am so grateful for the example of those grandfathers. I hope to someday marry a man that has that kind of servant's heart. I hope God will continue to supply men such as these to those young children. I know their lives will be forever changed by it.

As we drove home that day, barely two words were spoken in the van. I don't know if everyone was tired or what. As for me, my mind was simply overwhelmed. I had many emotions swirling around inside. Partially I felt extremely guilty because I was relieved to be free of the madness of activity. I LOVE to be around people, but I can only take chaos in small doses. I can't imagine living in that environment full time. I am so glad that God has gifted people to be able to do that. While we were able to leave, those children weren't. I felt very torn in that moment, and still do to a degree. Part of me doesn't want to go back. I don't want to face that again. It hurt me too much. On the other hand, I feel like I could never do enough. I know we are each gifted and called to minister in different ways. While I know that living in a children's home may not be my gift or calling - my heart breaks for those children. Knowing there is so much to be done, so much love needed - I feel guilty that I am unable to do more. Letting go and perfectionism are some of the things I need to work on (but that's another blog altogether!). It ripped me up inside to experience this, but it also helped me to get outside of my own world and expanded by boundaries a little.

I saw God working in so many ways today. It's so true that we are all parts of the body of Christ - each serving in his own way. Whether it was serving quietly behind the scenes, running like mad in the middle of a pack of kids, being barfed on, blowing bubbles or speaking a kind word, each hand was a blessing. I know this work will be life-changing for these children, but it will be life-changing for us as well.

Please keep these children, the full-time workers, the volunteers and the finances in your prayers. This place is run entirely on donations and faith. Many times building projects have to be held up until enough money comes in to start work again. I am amazed and humbled by this ministry. I praise God for the Adullam House, and that these children are safe, fed, dry, warm and loved tonight.

"So David left Gath and escaped to the cave of Adullam. Soon his brothers and other relatives joined him there. Then others began coming - men who were in trouble or in debt or who were just discontented..."
-I Sam 22:1-2a

Time, Time, there is no Time...

2006-05-18T16:40:00.000-06:00

It is with blurred vision and with exhausted fingers I type this blog. I am so tired that I almost have no energy left to breathe. Why do we allow ourselves to get to this point? Often when Satan can't distract us with the things of the world, he will distract us with the things of the church. Lately I have become so overextended in my "spiritual" commitments that none of them seem spiritual any more.

I sat down the other night and ran through the weekly list of things I do. Then I added in the other ministries I am involved with that don't necessarily require a weekly commitment. Then I stopped to think about time at work and time needed to spend running my household. I'd love to have a few hours of relaxation every week (I mean, God did it - why can't I?). All in all, by the end of the day I am exhausted. While I pray to God throughout the day, there seems to be little time left to just sit at His feet.

I feel a very specific call on my life developing. In that, I am convicted that I need to make time to be home alone - on my knees, in the Word - seeking God's face. I just long to be with Him. I long to know Him more deeply. Serving Him is good. But I also need communion with Him. Therefore, I have decided to weed out some of the commitments I have made. I am scaling down, cutting back, stepping away - so to speak. It's odd how church folks associate your visible activity with the state of your relationship with God. If they don't see you doing a million things, you must be "falling away." Right now I am finding myself fighting the guilt brought on by that mentality.

I, myself, have felt that activity was a "spiritual" indicator. So cutting back feels weird to me. While I believe our actions and ministries are an overflow of our relationship with God, I also believe we can become so caught up in activity that we miss how empty our relationship may really be. Sitting quietly before God can be scary sometimes. If we are quiet long enough, He might actually speak to us. What if He tells us to so something we don't want to? Or what if He convicts us of some sin we love? Heaven forbid.

Sometimes we enter into "Esther" times in our lives where preparation is crucial to the next phase of life (Esther 2:12-14). If we don't slow down to be molded, cleansed and transformed - we could miss out on a tremendous blessing. And our failure to accept preparation could prevent us from being in the right place at the right time in order to help someone else down the road.

So - all of you who are weary, I hereby grant you permission to say "No" and to sit down, take a deep breath, and NOT FEEL GUILTY!!

"Hear God"

2006-05-13T20:19:00.000-06:00

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

-Psalm 139:23-24

David's prayer in Psalm 139 has always marveled me just a little. I feel like I have so many faults and flaws to work on that I don't want to know about any more. I am also admittedly afraid to ask God to test me. Asking to be tested or praying for patience only invites trials and tribulations in my opinion. Even so, I find myself praying this prayer from time to time. Each time I do, God is faithful to answer. Each time He answers, I grow a little more.

Recently I prayed this prayer. Lo and behold, a few days later, here it came. One morning I was talking to God as I got ready for work. The more we talked, the more He began to reveal. He showed me a couple of things, then came the subject of control. Apparently I like it too much (I specifically avoid praying for patience because I do not want to suffer the uncontrollable lessons that will follow...). As we explored this subject of control, a few examples flashed through my mind. Apparently those weren't vivid enough, so God decided to act in "real time."

That morning, God broke the subject of control down to even the most basic of things. I dropped almost everything I picked up. I had one of the worst hair days ever. I was late leaving for work. I got behind every slow person on the road (don't get me started). It seemed endless. All the while I'm thinking, "I did NOT pray for patience. Why is this happening?" So I am in my car, mad as a hornet, looking like Yahoo Serious, and then it happened.

I pulled up behind a car with the license plate that read, "HEARGOD." I had to laugh. God was trying to get through to me. I was so distracted by the "lesson," I couldn't hear the message.

While I make it a practice NOT to pray for patience, patience and control go hand in hand. I like for things to be neat and orderly - according to my definition of order. That leaves very little room for mistakes by others or myself. It also squelches everyone's opportunity to hear God's voice and grow. Most importantly, it limits God in my mind, heart and life.

The Bible tells us to be patient with everyone, and to bear with each other (1 Th 5:14, Eph 4:2, I Cor 13:4, Rom 12:12). Beyond that, the Bible is filled with examples of people waiting on God - sometimes refusing to act until they received word from Him. I believe God keeps us in a holding pattern sometimes because He is trying to refine our skill of patient waiting. He cannot use us effectively if we are constantly trying to strain ahead of Him.

God gave me a valuable lesson that fateful morning. Rather than avoiding patience, I should pursue it. At first glance, we often think of patience as a horizontal virtue, one we need to develop in order to more effectively deal with people and situations we encounter everyday. But horizontal patience is just the beginning. Developing our horizontal patience will only serve to reinforce our vertical patience - when waiting on God may seem like an impossible task.

Don't be impatient for the Lord to act! Travel steadily along his path. He will honor you, giving you the land. You will see the wicked destroyed.

Psalm 37:34

Patience ?!#@

2006-05-05T20:20:00.000-06:00

Many of us think of patience as a four letter word. Just the other night, I was meeting with my prayer/accountability group and telling them about a frustrating situation at work. In the midst of my venting, I specifically told them NOT to pray for me to have patience because I didn't want things to get any worse. I can't tell you how many times I have heard other Christians make similar remarks.

Patience is a characteristic we are commanded to embody as Christians. Paul tells us in Colossians 3:12 (NLT), "You MUST clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Many times Christians "clothe" themselves in a t-shirt of patience that is about 5 sizes to small. So it cuts off our circulation and causes us to squirm about in sheer discomfort.

Admittedly, I am one of the last people you will hear praying for patience. But I believe that binding t-shirt we now wear will become larger and more comfortable the more we experience and grow our patience. Each encounter we have only adds stitches to that t-shirt, thus enabling us to breathe a little deeper and move about with a little more freedom. Before long, patience will fit us. We will no longer feel bound and suffocated by it.

Paul goes on to say in verse 13 that we must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. He also reminds us that God forgave us, so we must forgive others. Other people are so often the root of my impatience, although not always. Whether I am in traffic, in the grocery store or even trying to get down the aisle at church - people always seem to be in my way. Sometimes I feel like that guy on the heartburn commercial that talks about how he likes everything so fast. I watch that commercial with a scoffing huff and think, "Humph, that is so ridiculous." How many people have I seen right through in my efforts to simply get around them? How many times have I switched lines at the grocery store, then kept watch on my previous spot in an adjacent line to make sure I made the right move? How ridiculous!!

Tonight as I was logging on to my computer, I even noticed how impatient I am. I was typing in user names, passwords and links before the screens were fully loaded. Of course, by the time the page loaded, only half of what I had typed was retained. So I had to go back and start over. How many times have I gotten ahead of God, tried to rush things only to look back and see that only half of my efforts stuck and had to go back and start over anyway?

How many opportunities to learn, grow and serve do we miss each day because we are consumed with the speed of life. Impatience shouts in our ears so loudly that we cannot hear the important things. If you read Colossians 3 starting in verse 12 through the end of the chapter, it almost sounds like a Stepford existence. Like everyone skips everywhere they go, wears daisies in their hair and speaks in a trance-like voice. We all know that's not true. It's not the idea or point of the passage. But we have moved so far from a peaceful, calm, encouraging, servanthood society that it almost seems fictitious to us, hard to imagine.

Slowing down is certainly something I need to work on. It is something as equally hard for me to do. I am convicted that I cannot live a life of gentleness, peace, love, kindness, mercy and harmony until I first slow down, embrace the clothing of patience, and take the time to actually see the people around me as spiritual beings created by God to be loved, accepted and served.

Mercy Me

2006-04-29T21:56:00.000-06:00

I love music. There is something about it that reaches inside and touches my soul. Many times I get lost in the sounds, and often the words as well. I've told my friends that should I ever land in the hospital in a coma, I want them to drag a CD player into my room and play music for me. I am convinced that if anything could pull me back into consciousness, music could.

I love to experience music in just about any format. Almost any genre. In the car. Shaking the pictures off the walls at home. Headphones. In concert. Symphonies. Bands. Solo. A single instrument. A cappella. Slow. Fast. Doesn't matter to me. I love it all. Granted there are some kinds I like more than others, but music is magical to me.

While I love it in any format, there is something special about experiencing it live - in concert. I have been known to cry at the symphony. The beauty of the music is so powerful that it literally moves me to tears. When listening to a singer in concert, I often get lost in the power of their voice. One note will come along and sweep me away. I become mesmerized, it's as if there is no one in the room but me. I'm sure that I appear to be bored to death on the outside - but I am so caught up in the sounds that everything seems to slow down, and I slip into a trance.

That happened to me last night. I went to a Mercy Me concert with a friend. Phil Wickham also performed. They have such powerful voices and sing such powerful messages that I became lost in the evening. Entranced by it all. God also has a way of showing up at those things and speaking directly to me.

A couple of days ago, I wrote a post called Surrender. In it, I talked about being ready to accept whatever pain God needed to allow into my life in order to bring me to a place of complete submission. Last night, Mercy Me gave testimonies about being in that same place, and even shared some ongoing struggles they had with letting things go and understanding why bad things happened to them. They sang a song that ministered to me and confirmed that I am on the right track with where I need to be in my brokenness with God. Their words will explain it much better than mine:

Bring the Rain by Mercy Me (from their new album Coming Up To Breathe)
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray..

(chorus)
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings you glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise you
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray...

(repeat chorus)

God never ceases to amaze me in the many ways He speaks to us. Last night, He just happened to use this band at this concert to let me know that I am not alone, He is in control, and I am right where I need to be. Praise Him!!

Fear Factor

2006-04-29T21:02:00.000-06:00

Okay - this is completely gross and probably totally inappropriate to share - BUT I HAVE TO!!

Have you ever seen the Stephen King movie Dreamcatcher? Remember the scene in the bathroom? Well, I felt I lived through a replay the other day...

I did the deed, stood, turned to flush and what did I see? Much to my dismay, a big, nasty, totally ALIVE roach. He was crawling around inside the toilet bowl. There is no humanly way I can even begin to express to you via this blog the INTENSE phobia I have of bugs. I have literally turned over a sofa in search of a bug before. Once I see one, I cannot rest until it's dead. I could never, never, never go on Fear Factor and put my head in a box full of bugs. NO WAY. I'd almost pay them $1,000,000 to get them off of me.

So the mere thought of little Charlie the cockroach being that close to my exposed booty sends chills through my body. I feel that I now have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) as I am no longer able to make unfettered use of the facilities. Yikes, it freaks me out just thinking about it.

Anyway- there is no relevance to anything in that story. It just wigged me out so bad that I had to share!! For those of you that know me and only think I am animated when telling a story - I might turn right into a bona fide cartoon character with this one...

My Space

2006-04-29T20:41:00.000-06:00

I just had a friend invite me to join myspace.com. I have to admit, I am a little 'on the fence' about it. While I think it would be a neat way to meet people, I am shocked and horrified by the amount of information people reveal about themselves. I realize that anyone determined enough could probably dig up all that stuff anyway, but why make it any easier? I guess I don't want to end up as the lead character in a Lifetime movie.

I am paranoid because I had a mild experience with identity theft a couple of years ago. Although I say it was a mild experience, it was a NIGHTMARE. I am still afraid to try to write a check in Bruno's because I am terrified that their computer will reject it (even though I have NEVER bounced a check there - someone did in my name...). I think that is the only place left that I am still afraid to write checks. Even though I presented them with a copy of police reports and signed affidavits from the bank - I was still humiliated the last time I tried to write a check and the manager came out and told me I couldn't. I can't remember how long I carried copies of the police report and the letter from the bank around with me - fearful that I might need proof in case they tried to arrest me for something someone else did.

Another thing about myspace is all the distractions. My blog is all about writing. I feel called by God to write. I've been doing the "Jonah" for quite a while now - and I am finally trying to get myself in line with God's call. I am a creative junky. When I get on the computer, I lose all sense of time - especially when I am doing something creative. I'm afraid that I will become so distracted by all the links, pictures, questions, backgrounds, songs, etc that I will lose focus on the whole reason I am on-line anyway. I stay so busy with other things that even finding time to blog is difficult.

I'm not saying that I will never create a myspace page - but for now I must graciously decline.

Photography

2006-04-29T20:38:00.000-06:00

Hey! If you are interested - check out my link to Lee Lee's Photography. I added a different blog to display some of the photos I have taken. I hope to add more later. I've put the camera down for a while, and I am hoping that having this photo blog will inspire me to get going again!

Surrender

2006-04-27T22:50:00.000-06:00

Today was a wonderful day. I went to Birmingham with my mom. We had a girls' day out. Massive shopping spree. A little cheesecake. Some really great talks along the way. All in all, it was ideal. However, there was one moment injected right in the middle of the day that brought a temporary dark cloud over our bliss.

I got a phone call from my roommate, and she told me that my dog had been very sick all morning. As she described his symptoms, the blood drained from my face. You see, I had another dog to die about three years ago - and today's events were sounding all too familiar. My doggies are like my children. When Kirby died in 2003, I was a WRECK. I don't remember the last time I was that upset. So when the call came today, I simply wasn't prepared to go through that again.

After talking to my roommate and my mom, we decided not to cut our trip short. My roommate had been watching Cooper closely, and felt he was going to be okay. So we decided to stay. Honestly though, for the rest of the day, all I could do was wonder if I was going to come home to find him dead. Then God and I had a moment in the dressing room that changed it all.

As I stood there, contemplating the loss of another pet, I was flooded with a sense of surrender. I didn't want my little doggie to die, but if God needed to strip me of another love in order to bring me under His leading - then I was willing to accept that. I realized that God will continue to take things out of my life until He is my only choice. For the first time, today I was truly ready to yield to Him. This is huge! Compared to where I was a year ago, this reaction couldn't be more different. I felt my selfishness and pride cave in. I gave up.

For the past year or so, I have been at odds with God. Last year, I became almost irate with Him and basically decided to give Him the cold shoulder. Long story short, He has been very silent in my life regarding some issues that are very important to me. It had gotten to the point where it felt like He wasn't even there. The more I longed for fullness in my life, the more He took away. I have lost several relationships over the past couple of years, and it has been very hard for me. Last year, I had finally had enough. I felt like God wasn't doing anything for me, and on top of that He was taking away people that I cared about. I guess I have been feeling a little like Job, wondering who will show up next to report yet another loss in my life.

Somewhere in the midst of all this, God has managed to find His way back into my heart. Recently, I made peace with Him, and we are on the road to restoration. He still has me in limbo regarding relationships, forcing me to spend more time alone that I would like. But He is also making clear to me the reason I need solitude right now.

Psalm 139:23-24 says "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Whatever God has to take to make me truly dependent on Him, I am at peace with that. I know I am stubborn, strong-willed and defiant. I know I need to be broken. I don't enjoy it, but I know I need it. Honestly, I hope I am finally to that point of realization that God can now do something with me - and He won't need to bring any more loss into my life. But if I need to be broken even more to be pliable for Him, then bring it on.

Incidentally, I got home tonight and Cooper was fine. He was kicking up his heels like a little donkey. I am still keeping watch over him tonight, and the groomer will keep a close eye tomorrow - but he seems to be back to his old self. Thank God!

Halloween

2006-04-26T23:25:00.000-06:00

Click here before reading any further (you need the sound effects to go with this post!)

Today was a day like any other day. I was sitting at my desk at work, eyes glued to a computer screen. Things were relatively quiet around the office. Not much chatter going on. Then, out of no where, the theme song to the movie "Halloween" starts to play. The music was fairly loud. Almost as if we were really in the movie. Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to look at each other. Of course, I yell out, "Michael, is that you? Are we about to be murdered?"

It was the new guy's cell phone. That theme song was his ring tone and he had the volume turned all the way up. Just so happens that he was standing right on the other side of everyone's cubicle walls - just out of sight - when his phone rang. We all thought it was hilarious. He, of course, was embarrassed. I loved it. People always joke about their jobs being Hell, etc. At least they don't work with a serial killer who brings his own theme music. I think I'll call the new guy Michael from now on...

Hungry For Righteousness?

2006-04-25T21:02:00.000-06:00

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."

Matt 5:6

Recently I attended an interdenominational Bible study, and the topic at hand was the Sermon on the Mount, more specifically - the beatitudes. We only covered the first four, but one stood out to me. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness...

A common theme runs throughout the beatitudes, and that is humility. I began to ponder the spirit of humility in conjunction with this verse. Physically speaking, how many starving homeless people do you see puffed up with pride? They will do whatever it takes to get food: steal, dig through garbage, beg. I'd say you have to be pretty humble to eat food from the trash. When you have such a basic need going unfulfilled - that need consumes you. Left unfed for too long, it becomes the only thing you live for.

We are all hungry and thirsty for something. Those that don't know Christ are like the homeless (in fact, they are homeless, eternally speaking). They will go almost anywhere looking for the "food" their soul needs. Money. Career. Sex. Material wealth. Drugs. Food. Relationships. In essence, they are digging through the trash heaps of this world looking for nourishment.

Have I ever found myself in the alley, digging through a dumpster right along side the homeless? Of course. I'm sure we all have from time to time. Yet we have a feast waiting for us. I'm awe-struck that we would ever leave a banquet table full of piping hot, delicious food and either go on a hunger strike or dig through garbage thinking we will find something better.

We are all born with a hunger for God. It's natural. Some don't recognize the hunger as a hunger for God. They just know they're hungry, so they seek to feed themselves. Some realize what they hunger for, yet allow themselves to sit and starve. But there are some who have tasted the juices of God's goodness and have bellied up to the table, napkin tucked firmly in their collars. There may be times when we wander back and forth between the alley and the dinner table. I hope when we are enjoying those times of feasting, we don't become so engrossed in stuffing our faces that we forget about those still digging through the trash.

We all hunger. It's a matter of what we hunger for - and what we chose to fill ourselves with.

Blessed are those that hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

The Sign That Never Came

2006-04-24T19:22:00.000-06:00

Many times we feel led by God in a certain direction. Rarely does God lead us right into the heart of our comfort zone to do something comfortable and familiar. More often, He leads us into uncharted waters to do something scary and uncomfortable, or at the very least something inconvenient. How many times do we hide behind a sign?

Asking God for direction is perfectly okay and understandable. I don't think God wants a bunch of renegade Christians out there jumping the gun day after day, all in the name of feeling "led." Conversely, I don't think He wants us sitting Buddha-style in our living rooms waiting for a lightning bolt. There are plenty of examples in Scripture where God provided signs to the people (Gen 9:13; Ex 4:5-8; Ex 8:23; Jdg 6:11-24; 1Ki 13:3; Is 38:7 just to name a few). There are also examples of Jesus' not indulging requests for a sign (Mt16:4; Mk 8:12).

How many times have our conversations with God gone something like this:
"What does God want us to do?"
Jesus told them, "This is what God wants you to do: Believe in the one he has sent."
They replied, "You must show us a miraculous sign if you want us to believe in you. What will you do for us?" John 6:28-30

We all want direction, guidance and purpose in our lives. I'm sure most of us have prayed for that at one time or another. Then we receive a prompting or word from God. Many times that isn't enough. We want a sign. A map, a diagram, a playbook. Sometimes God doesn't want to give us a sign. Sometimes He just wants us to believe and step out in faith.

We like to snatch Romans 12:2b right off the page and wear it around on our foreheads: "Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will." Many times we aren't willing to march one step without that good ol' lightning bolt of "confirmation." But I say, rather than us testing God, maybe He is testing our faith (1Pet 1:7).

There is no pattern or play book. If you feel led by God in a certain direction, of course you should pray about it and seek counsel when appropriate (but do not become bogged down in counsel-seeking either; that can become another crutch we use to hold us back from getting on with the task at hand. And sometimes our brothers can serve to unknowingly tear us down and squelch a dream rather than point us in the right direction - just look at Job). If God continues to remain silent on the confirmation/sign front, yet you cannot shake the tug of the Spirit - I say you've got to step out in faith and begin what you believe God calls you to do.

Many times God won't offer confirmation until after we take the first step. Sometimes not until several steps down the road. Most importantly, continue to listen to His voice above all else. Look for road blocks. Make note of other Believers and scriptures that are in agreement with your path. Don't let fear and doubt wash away your spark. Follow Him blindly, and eventually things will become clear.

I think most of us have that little nagging "thing" in our minds that scares us to death. We wonder if it is from God or if "it's something we cooked up in our minds." We ask for confirmation or a specific sign, like seeing a clown riding a unicycle down the freeway. The "sign" never comes (probably because the clown is smushed to the grill of an 18-wheeler - poor clown), yet we cannot shake the feeling. So we pray for signs, talk to anyone who will listen, and never take one step. At some point, we have to exercise our faith and go for it.

Isn't it time you took that first step? You know the one I mean...

Five People We Meet In Heaven

2006-04-22T20:10:00.000-06:00

I am continually amazed at the many ways God communicates with us. No matter what circumstance, good or bad, God finds endless ways to reach into my life and touch me. I am brought to tears when the reality of His love overwhelms my heart. To think that the Creator of all mankind would know me personally and care for me enough to minister to me one on one...

The issue of Heaven has been on my mind and heart lately. A book, a class at church, a teacher with a beautiful heart and hunger for God, and an outspoken student with an opposing opinion - all have been instrumental in bringing me to this place.

The mystery of Heaven still swirls about, dancing in the wind like billowing smoke from a freshly extinguished candle. But the mystery is now sweet, no longer thorns on a rose. I know that I am incapable of full understanding, and I am at peace with that. I trust God enough to believe that whatever He has in store will leave me speechless.

Life holds much fullness. Richness in spirit beyond compare. The future is brighter than the past. Hope is the eternal spring that waters all living things and helps them bloom with vibrant colors, sweeter than any perfume. Can't you hear the melodious call of adventures not yet taken? Laughter not yet spun? Lives not yet woven?

I must share with you a movie called "Five People We Meet In Heaven" starring Jon Voight. The movie is based on the book by Mitch Albom. I implore you, get up from your computer right now, find this movie and watch it today. It is a beautiful picture of the mixture of lives that are woven together like lace. In the end, we all effect one another. In the end, we all have the same story.

No matter how ineffective you may feel, your influence reaches beyond your comprehension. No matter how wasteful, unfulfilling and purposeless you think your life might be, you will be amazed to see whose lives have been changed because of you.

I bought this movie weeks ago. I kept seeing it at the store. It kept drawing my attention every time I entered the movie section. I would pick it up, look at it, and always put it back down. One day I decided to buy it. I brought it home and stuck in on my DVD shelf, where it sat for weeks. Tonight, in the quiet of the evening with no one home but me, it was time for me to watch it (this is the goosebumpy part of how God works). I know now why God prompted me to buy it, then waited until now to move me to watch it.

In my struggle to understand eternity, judgment, Heaven, etc, I had become so bogged down with differing opinions and ideas that Heaven had begun to lose its appeal. Sure, it was definitely a better alternative than Hell. But beyond that, I wasn't all too excited about it. I didn't want to slip back into the mode of just ignoring the idea of death and eternity because I didn't understand it. And God knew I needed a break. It is just like God to lay all this groundwork, till the soil of your heart, get every detail primed and ready before delivering a message. Then He drops a lightning bolt from Heaven right into your heart, in that exact spot He has soften and prepared to be able to hear and understand.

I've always said "God is a gentleman. He will never force Himself on anyone." I love how He loves on us in ways we are able to accept at the moment. Be it a direct word, sunbeams, a "random" email, a song, an act of love from a friend, a butterfly, the laughter of a child, a movie, your dog or a spider on the sidewalk - He always finds just the right way into your heart! To think that the Creator of the universe loves us so much that He would go to all that trouble. Then again, when you are crazy in love with someone, I guess it's really no trouble at all...

This movie really spoke to me, and I do beg you to watch it. I won't give you many details because you need to experience it for yourself. This movie may not be the vehicle God uses to speak to you. Your message may be coming in a different form. But it is coming. God longs to romance us. To find those sweet ways to remind us of His love. To reassure us that we are forgiven and safe under the umbrella of His grace.

I don't always walk on a cloud. I don't walk around under a giant beam of light. But sometimes, often when I least expect it - God will smile on me in such a way that causes my heart to burst. Makes me feel like I live in a musical. I want to dance in the streets, swing around a lamp post - all while singing at the top of my lungs. This movie just happened to do that for me, and I thought you should know!

Thank God for Toilet Paper!

2006-04-21T23:02:00.000-06:00

If you ever pray with me, you may hear me thank God for light bulbs, carpet, air conditioning, socks or any number of seemingly random things. He is the Creator of man, who in turn created modern conveniences such as the paper clip, bookmark, pillow and shoelace. Therefore, I thank the Creator for small, often overlooked blessings such as highliters, windshield wipers, shampoo, and dental floss. Moreover, I try to see God in everything. I have been known to look for the spiritual analogy in a stop sign, a school bus or even a soda can floating in the rain gutter. And sometimes there is no analogy to be found. Sometimes I am just plain ol' grateful to God for giving me something as "trivial" as toilet paper.

Did you know that people in the pre-toilet paper era used things like coconut shells and corn cobs to wipe their tushies? COCONUT SHELLS!! Have you ever seen a coconut shell? More importantly, have you ever FELT a coconut shell? Ouch! Boy, the Charmin quilters would have a field day with that one. Anyway. In case you are looking for something you've been taking for granted - something that seems trivial, but has actually become a necessity in your life - to be thankful for....I'd say toilet paper is your winner, hands down.

Check out this article on the origin of our friend, T.P. It's a quick and interesting read. Then get off the pot and start looking for other mundane and ordinary things that make your life one of ease and luxury. Thank God for the billions of blessings that surround you every day. Maybe He will even help you see Him in something as simple as a toothpick.

Heaven Revisited

2006-04-21T21:41:00.000-06:00

I was talking to my mom today about a book she is reading by John Ortberg. The book is entitled "God Is Closer Than You Think." I haven't read the book yet, but I am intrigued. Apparently he explores the idea that in the same way people have different personalities, people also have different means of connecting with God. Some connect with Him by experiencing nature, some in worship, some in meditation and some in relationships. I definitely connect to God through my relationships with others. Talking, sharing, praying, exploring - all done with other Christians, excites and energizes me.

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

-Proverbs 27:17

My friend, Lisa, definitely sharpens me. A comment she posted on my blog a few days ago helped redirect my thought process and attitude toward this whole eternity issue. While I don't fully comprehend what judgment and eternity will be like, I can still rejoice in the fact that it will happen. I can also share that joy with those that do not know Christ. I don't have to have a perfect and complete understanding of every aspect of eternity in order to "sell" someone else on it.

I have never been married. My married friends can tell me all day long what marriage is like, but until I experience it for myself, I cannot fully understand where they are coming from. I still hope to marry some day.

I've never given birth to a child. I can watch the Discovery Health Channel all day long, even go to lamaze classes - but until I experience it firsthand, I will never comprehend the physical pain and emotional elation of that process. I still hope to become a mother some day.

I've never been to Italy. I can read stories, look at pictures, learn to speak Italian and eat Chicken Scaloppine at every meal - but I can only imagine what sunset in Tuscany will really look like in person. I still plan to experience it some day.

I am guilty of being impatient, trying to skip ahead to the end. I have always been one to catch on to things fairly quickly. I didn't study much in school, but made good grades - honor roll and Beta Club even. I can't tell you how many people have rolled their eyes at me and told me how lucky I was to be one of those people that can just sit in class and pick up everything without having to study. I couldn't disagree more. Because I didn't have to study, I developed a sense of learned laziness. So when I run into something like eternity that I cannot comprehend and cannot figure out, I am consumed with frustration - which often results in me giving up. I never developed the discipline of persistence because I didn't have to.

So I am thankful for friends like Lisa who help bring me down off the ceiling when I am having a "why can't I conquer the world" moment. Sometimes I just need a reality check. Logically I know that I will not fully understand Heaven until I get there. Meanwhile I can continue to study God's word, embrace what I do understand and learn to love the mystery of the rest.

After all, if God wants to throw us a surprise party - who are we to steal His joy! He's given us everything we need to know to successfully navigate life's journey toward eternity. If He has purposefully left out a few party details, we can't get stuck obsessing over those missing pieces and neglect the treasure chest He has given us.